Text dump. Trying to make sense of it all
This is literally how my brain sounds 24/7
I feel stagnant, but also completely forgettable , I feel horrible because I want attention. I don't know why i do. Maybe I'm a sociopath. I just want someone to pay attention to me because I feel so missable , I feel like I will live my entire life and nobody will even notice me. I will come and go with barely a whisper said about me. Nobody will remember me and why should they? I haven't done anything worth remembering, I just feel so stagnant. So unmoving and I feel like I'm getting older and not going anywhere or doing anything. I'm scared. I'm scared that I've missed my chance to do what I want to do with my life. I want to act? I want to be famous? Maybe then I'd be remembered. But then I'd be embarrassed. Why do I get embarrassed. Maybe dumping these thoughts in my phone will help. Poison thought make a poison minds. Why can't I remain one emotion? I can't say I'm happy because something will remind me about being sad , but then I'll remember something else and be happy. I just want to feel normal. I don't even know what is actually me and what is a desperate cry for attention. To be different. Not to fade away. I'm terrified to fade away. My own personal therapy , watch my progress. See if I ever make sense of it. I don't even know what it is all I know is that it's 2:25 in the morning and I'm depressed and have a headache and I just want to not be me for a while. Can I be someone else? Being someone else seems easier than the mountain of my own creation I must now climb. Wow I sound like a tortured poet. no edits. There will be no edits in this because I don't want to seem like I'm tailoring my thoughts for a specific outcome. I just want attention and I know that makes me sound like a spoiled brat and I probably am one I just don't even know why I do I just want attention. I want someone to tell me what to do with my life so I don't have to figure it out for myself. Because I don't think I can. Part of me just wants to run away and change my name , move to America and try and become and actor and have nobody know my name , but then again nobody does. Part of me wants to run and the other part is just clinging to my old life, with my parents taking care of me because that makes life easier , I don't have to think if my parents make all the decisions and I don't have to do anything but I have realised now why I can't do that anymore, I can't speak my mind around them , I can't express myself and I can't be myself , I get left along with my thoughts and this happens. This brain dump of help me and like me and save me from myself happens. Tortured poet. I want to be out of my own head. Just let myself create without second thoughts and embarrassment. I used to love reading and writing . Creating worlds in my head but now I feel stunted. Too much pressure to get it right. Embarrassed if I get it wrong. To much pressure that I'm putting on myself because I need to get it right. I'm 21. I've got time but every day feels like failing to make something of myself. I was scared. I need to not be scared anymore. Ride or die or whatever. All or nothing
