So this article sent me into a suffocating pile of guilt and shame after this article sent me into a state of hope and excitement. It made me realize just how instinctive guilt and shame are to me, especially when it comes to romance and/or sexuality.
Like I can respect George Takei's opinion and I get where he's coming from, but the reason I got so excited was because of all the potential this reveal has for the fandom especially the younger parts of it. Maybe there could have been a different character or whatnot, but what caught my attention was just how 100 to 0 in picoseconds I went. It made me think about how while I will accept what anyone tells me about their sexual or romantic identities, I still think of myself as abnormal and unworthy of feeling excited for anything like this.
I mean this shame, this guilt over being excited about a major Star Trek character being gay and being gay in a positive, normal way is why I was excited that Sulu's going to be gay in the first place. When I was growing up in the 80's, TOS and TNG helped me through so many things. Spock helped me feel better about being intellectually curious and intelligent. Uhura helped me see that while things could be scary, you can work through your fear. The relationship that Kirk and Spock seemed to have was kind of inspirational. Picard's love of history and the philosophy he speaks of clearly influenced me strongly. Troi showed me how tough women can be without losing their compassion in the process, same with Dr. Crusher. So to know that some kid will watch Star Trek Beyond (2016) and subsequent movies that might show other characters of varying sexuality and see that it's normal and they're normal just got me really excited.
And I think it's just kind of a function how Star Trek, especially TOS and TNG, are to me what Harry Potter is to most of Tumblr that the second article felt like a rug pull, like I shouldn't feel happy. And the thing is, intellectually I know I should be cautious but not necessarily unhappy despite Takei's misgivings about the reveal. However, this reaction within me is so much deeper than intellectualism. It's ingrained self-hatred. It's this internal assertion that I deserve nothing and that I am abnormal. It's the constant nagging question in the back of my mind that how can I possibly be sure of my sexuality or romantic identity because I've not even had a proper crush on anyone since 2006 and I haven't been asked out since 2004. How can I know anything about myself in these areas? How can I be so sure that this isn't some kind of folie à des millions or something?
The thing is I know this isn't some folie à des millions or something because I know myself enough to know who I've been genuinely attracted to and how being overly sheltered affected my perceptions of my budding romantic and sexual identity as a child. This is the exact reason I got excited about Sulu in the first place. I thought about all the kids Sulu is going to help. But at the same time I'm just trained to think of myself as a mess and someone who deserves nothing so here I am with a big bad of mixed emotions I'm spewing onto Tumblr because I've nowhere else to put them and thinking about this crushing guilt over being happy was interfering with what I was doing to try and distract myself from it.
In the end, I can see where Takei is coming from and I understand the concern, but at the same time I want to be selfish. I want a character I thought might not be straight when I was growing up to turn out to be not straight. I know I deserve nothing and how I feel about this is moot, but I just wish I didn't feel so guilty about it, you know? I wish I could have more pride in my own identity. I wish I could have the pride everyone claims I have in myself.
