I’m great. I’m not just telling myself that. I really feel improved. There isn’t a voice inside telling me that I’m worthless. There are no voices that tell me to do anything. I am finally alone with my own thoughts—as much as they are my[ME1] own. Because your thoughts aren’t determined independently of your environment after all. That’s evidence that there’s some determinism at play with the human condition.
How many people create? Independently of work, in a self-directed way, how many people make creations? I think it’s a small proportion of the population. Out of those people who do create, how many do it because it feels like a calling? How many do it because not doing it feels like wasting away? Personally, I write because I need to. It’s a skill that I need to continue to practice in order to perform well in a job that I hope I will get. A job that is research intensive or at least writing oriented.
Can you say the same? Do you have a reason for writing or drawing or painting? I wish I could paint or draw. Because just consuming media is zombie-like. I want to have something to say. I want to have a contribution to the scores of works that are viewable. I wouldn’t say this is creative writing. This is just journaling.
I feel like I need to have a goal to function. If I don’t have anything I’m working towards, I fall back to a feeling of meaninglessness. Do you understand? Are you the same as me? Most people I think are goal oriented too but they don’t also have that existential pitfall. Or maybe they do. Maybe it’s not as uncommon as I think.
Again, I’m okay now. I know I won’t always be okay. That’s okay too. But right now, as I am writing this, I feel relatively well. I feel that writing like this has been helping me more than my medication, but I have no way of proving that. I’m twenty-three and turning a year older at the tail end of this year. It’s a little distressing honestly. I feel that I haven’t accomplished anything yet. And I really haven’t. I have a desire to create a work, but I don’t know what about yet. I don’t know if I have the tenacity or enough creativity to create something worthwhile. But we’ll see.
