#self-critical

[silent-notes]

My Childhood Traits

In my last post, I talked about the Loyal Soldier and how it needs to be brought home, welcomed, loved endlessly and molded to reflect and help us with our current reality than the battles it has fought before with us.

I believe our subconscious is built up of every learning, every survival strategy that we formulated till the conclusion of our childhood, sometimes even starting from our past…

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[cheshirepirouette]

Pedestals

Aset [-Serqet] was divined as my mother a few months ago. I never reached out to her, beyond intimidated once the RPD was finished.

I don’t think it’s necessarily her that I’m afraid of, but more of living up to her standards. At first I didn’t want to contact her because my room was messy, I was a mess, I didn’t have my shit together and could hardly devote any energy towards religion, period.

She’s the head bitch, which I say fondly. She has her shit together and isn’t afraid to show it. She’s awe-inspiring and intimidating and I don’t know how I’ll measure up. I feel weak, physically and emotionally. I struggle to even get out of bed at points and sometimes it seems like my body is against me. How am I to measure up to someone like her, who’s so strong and capable? She is my Mother and I see myself in her, but.

And so it all kind of fell on the wayside. I’m still afraid to go to her, to open up to my Parent and be rejected. Thoughts of my laziness keep cycling through, though I’m fairly certain that’s more because of my physical family than anything. I don’t want to disappoint her. I don’t want to disappoint myself, and raise my hopes and have them crushed like that.

And so I do what a perfectionist does. I never try.

I want to be the Queen that she may see me to be, the potential for. I want to try for this and not get caught up in myself, in my own perceived flaws. My Mother is so intimidating but I want her to be proud of me, and to be proud of myself, in the end.

[meilix]

Sometimes I just don't want to exist, I just want to consume the beauty of ppl, not seeing me random in my Photo folder and thinking " I am that ugly? 2 sec before I wasn't thinking that, is it okay to not want to exist?

photo from Pinterest

[comparativeoracle]

Self-Critical. Art by Cary Gray, from the Heart Forward Divination Deck.

[j-ellyfish]

I really want to finish a drawing but I keep getting new ideas to sketch and neglect previous projects 😭💔

[robotfishunflitered]

I feel like such a fatty...

[sarsaparillaswords]

Now would probably be a good time to post Solas art (or general Dragon Age art even). Too bad I’m not so much an artist as a depressed human trashfire who used to make art sometimes. 

And not much point “growing my brand” while Tumblr is self-immolating.

Wheeee!

[myquotesmixedbag]

"A lifetime of believing that your value—or lack thereof—is determined by your body or your face or your whatever means that you’ve got a lifetime of negative talk in your head playing on repeat. You need to replace that voice with something positive. You need to replace that voice with the opposite truth—the thing you most need to believe."

– Rachel Hollis