#selfposts

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

I wish talking to people wasn’t so fucking terrifying lmfao

[cosmic--wyrm]

Hell yeah I'm back

I'm back on the tumblererer, friends

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

*starts having a paranoid breakdown* okay time for bed (:

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

you ever drive yourself insane thinking about all the ways people have hurt you  or wronged you or dismissed you? haha yeah me neither

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

You know what!! I do feel love!!

I know what people think - that people with NPD (or ASPD) don’t feel love. And you might have been right - if there was only one way of ever feeling love. But you know what? I do love people! I get happy and excited when I see my friends recovering, even if they’re still in pain, I get angry and protective when they’re sad, and I feel possessive and altruistic towards them when I can!!

NPD doesn’t always just “get rid of” your ability to love!! It just makes it so fucking hard to admit that you can love!! Because every time I trusted those I loved I ended up hurt! “Love is a weakness!” My brain screams! So I repressed it!! For so!! fucking!! long!! But I love my friends!! I would die for my friends!! I can feel love!!

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

Having a cluster b personality disorder is constantly being caught between aiming for the best life you can achieve and wanting to throw everything back in life’s face and spit it it’s eyes

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

Hi! Can I ask how you experience a co-morbid diagnosis of NPD and autism? What are your symptoms, etc? Thank you and have a good day

Helloooo

NPD affects how I think other people view me and how I view myself. This won’t be an exhaustive list, because I cannot pretend to be completely self aware, but here’s some more obvious ones.

I have an expectation (which I personally believe is normal) that other people will be kind and respectful towards me at all times. They should also do their absolute utmost to ensure I have everything I want and need. However, I do not subconsciously believe I should have to do the same.

Someone says something I think is rude and it sets me right the fuck off; I get so enraged it gives me physical headaches and causes me to dissociate heavily.

Someone criticises me, even if it’s constructive, and I simmer in rage for days. I can never forgive them for it, even if they beg. I have to force myself to forget via distractions and restart the relationship I have with that person from scratch.

It gives me moments of extremely, delusionally high self worth, and overall/daily makes me feel like I’m “set apart” from others by virtue of “just being better” with no real underlying truth (though I think I’m smarter or better looking or even more morally correct).

I also have had issues with being passive aggressive, sarcastic, demeaning, mocking, and bullying; not that I don’t know what I’m doing, but rather I don’t care, or I’m trying to push to see how far I can push this person. It’s an impulsive desire that I’m working on curbing.

I don’t feel “love” easily. This might be more related to my other personality disorder (paranoid) but I don’t relax enough to let anybody emotionally near me. Even friends I have had for years, I struggle to think of as “equals” who are really on par with me and worthy/deserving of my love.

My autism affects how I communicate with the world in general, including people, but also objects, time, and place. Symptoms I have include;

not liking eye contact, not finding it necessary to hold eye contact,

auditory/tactile/visual sensory processing issues,

finding it very very difficult to adjust to fit social groups (even though I desperately want to, because “fitting in” gives me a great deal of respect and therefore pleasure from an npd perspective),

not understanding sarcasm or unspoken communication, or any sort of vague/unclear communication,

extreme difficulty making friends as early as anybody can remember, as I was a “quiet, watchful, a-social child” who was often bullied for being weird or not fitting in,

speaking often in a very formal or stilted way with very stiff or nonexistent body language and facial expression,

having special interests (though I admit this had become difficult post major trauma, as hypervigilance prevents me from fixating and focusing on things very well).

I also struggle with, as a separate issue from the previous paragraph, saying things that are mean unintentionally (as well as the separate intentional/impulsive words) because I don’t understand where the boundaries lie for other people.

I also want to note, something which I find very important for comorbid dx, is that I have always displayed autistic symptoms, right back to preschool. I didn’t start displaying prominent, continuous narcissistic symptoms until I was at least about 14 or 15, though I had had my moments in childhood, they were scarce. I had always been a nervous and sheltered child, and I had suffered anxiety most of my life, but I didn’t display enough paranoid personality disorder symptoms for a diagnosis until I was 17 or 18.

I hope this could offer an insight!

[optimistic-personality-disorder]

The absolute hardest thing to learn is that hardly anything is personal. Everything I took as a personal blow was impersonal. None of it was ever meant to hurt me.

It's probably the most important thing I've ever been told to keep in mind. It's gotten me through so much trauma.