Kaz's journey to grieving his brother properly will start with Matthias.
Do you ever realize that Matthias is the second loss Kaz has ever experienced? He had witnessed many deaths among the Dregs, but he never allowed himself to get attached to any of them, so he didn't really viewed them as losses. In almost ten years, crows are the first people that Kaz has accepted as his family, and while Kaz and Matthias are hard to call best friends, they are friends. They are on more of the "high school rivals" side of the spectrum, but it doesn't mean they don't care about what happens to the other.
And the news of Matthias's death hits the crew right after Kaz has finally avenged his brother.
So, don't imagine how lost Kaz will be when he realizes that the pain he felt after the swim from the reaper's barge came back, but now it was there on behalf of the big Fjerdan.
Don't imagine how he will freeze when he finds the map of the ice court with Matthias's crooked handwriting or pardon that he never got to use and realizes that it is all that's left of Helvar.
Don't imagine how his thoughts slowly switch from one thing to another, and he slowly realizes there's nothing left from his brother.
Don't imagine how he feels something on his cheek, and when he tries to wipe it off and feels water, he realizes that he's crying.
Don't imagine how, while walking through the Government District, and passing Fjerdan Ambassy, he sees an ash tree, and in his head, he hears Matthias mumbling something. It's some Fjerdan prayer, designed to give peace to the dead, that he was saying on the black veil.
Don't imagine how Kaz approaches the tree and quietly repeats that prayer.
And please, don't imagine how after that the pain in his chest finally disappears. He knows it will be back, but it won't be as bad.
And from afar, Jordie is smiling. His brother had finally forgiven himself for staying alive. He can finally be at peace.
but like imagine this, if there were deaths in a third soc book:
wylan would die first (from an explosion, oit of irony) because we can all agree he's like a son to kaz, and it would be devastating. so then kaz has all this pent-up emotion. and jesper's unhinged gambling addiction gets worse, which gets kaz even more worried. because he's like a brother to kaz. and he does something reckless on this job, which therefore gets him severely injured, and he dies in inej's arms. and that leads to inej trying to help jesper cope while also suffering internally herself.
when news reaches nina in ravka, she thinks that kaz forged inej's signature at the end of the letter as a cruel joke. she went along with it anyway since she missed when the crows were all together. nina brought a few traditional ravkan treats that she knew kaz liked no matter how much he denied it. when she arrived at the slat, it was empty. nina went to the crow club and found inej with a far away look. she gave up on trying to help jesper with his addiction. im too lazy to be in writing mode, so im gonna half-ass the rest. anyway, nina had to snap inej out of her daze and ask her where kaz was. that's when inej finally broke down, and any word she muttered was incoherent. after what felt like ages, jesper went over to the two girls and told nina what happened. "the ol' dirtyhands finally kicked the bucket. thought he was immortal for a while. wylan went just before him."
there was nothing else but sobs that day and screaming out to the sky why everything that happened happened. bit over a week later, there was a joint service. inej engraved two slabs for the two out of wood with the first knife kaz gifted to her. she renamed it. sankt rietveld. and that's how she got assigned a new job. revenge. with a gloved hand holding her knife. (shitty ending, not enough detail, but here you go)
before, there were six of crows. then five. now only three.
i originally shared this with a server im in and, therefore, was banished to hellgate by my friends for making them all cry. oops. anyway, fuck you guys [affectionately but not really].
hi! I was wondering if you could do Kaz with a tour her sister or something where he doesn’t want her to get hurt but she thinks that he thinks that she’s weak? (That sounded so confusing sorry) if you can’t it’s fine though. Don’t forget to drink water! And maybe take a little walk?
-🍁
Worrier and Warrior : Platonic/Sibling Kaz Brekker x Sister!Reader
Part 1
Desc: Kaz’s little sister is the latest victim of Kaz’s lack of communication and transparency. This results in actions that cause even more tension between them. Will Kaz ever get over his toxic habits and be truthful with his sister or will it be too late?
Warnings: SoC type content and applicable warnings, including mentions of trauma, violence, sickness, injuries, death, etc.
Part Two Can Be Found Here
Both parts can be found here
Y/n groaned to herself as she sat in the chair across from Kaz’s desk. She’d had enough of his behavior lately. He’d been excluding her from heists and even refused to let her work nights at the Crow’s Club. Y/n knew her brother well enough to know there had to be a reason for his behavior. Kaz never did anything without thinking it through.
Kaz limped into the room exuding his annoyance, having had to follow his sister into his office. He did not want to talk. Much less talk about this matter. He had his reasons behind his behaviors and he didn’t feel he needed to explain them to her.
Yet, she’d snapped at her brother moments ago. She hasn’t intended on doing so, but she couldn’t help it. She felt excluded and unwanted thanks to Kaz’s actions. So, when he gave out shift assignments and once again left her off of it, she snapped and called him out on it. Kaz ordered her to head to his office, hence why they were both sitting in the dusty room in the attic.
Y/n stared silently at her brother as he sat down across from her. Kaz copied her and silently shook his head as his eyes glowered at her. Neither sibling spoke for awhile. It was only when y/n huffed and stood up to leave that Kaz elected to speak.
“You have nothing to say?” Kaz remarked, raising his right eyebrow at her.
Turning back to him, she glared, “you’re the one who ordered me to your office”.
“Because you raised your voice at me before my crew” Kaz argued, shifting his jaw.
Y/n laughed sarcastically, “I raised my voice before your crew?”
Kaz steepled his hands as he stared at her silently.
“First, you’re not my parent Kaz! You’re my older brother, but you’re not in charge of me” y/n huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
Kaz flinched faintly at the mention of their family. Y/n noticed and thought about apologizing. But, she knew that would only make him more mad. Besides, his immediate return to his dismissive body language removed any guilt she felt.
“Second, I am part of your crew! Yet, you treat me like I’m different” y/n pointed out, stepping closer to him.
Kaz tilted his head slightly to the left, “you are different”.
“Why? Because I’m your sister?” She groaned, throwing her head back.
“Younger sister” he corrected stoically.
She squinted at him as she returned to her seat before him, “so?”
“So you need to trust me. I am better equipped to handle these matters” he said confidently, an egotistical glimmer in his eyes. It made y/n want to reach across the table and punch it out.
“Just because you’re older? I can handle myself Kaz. Just last week I handled Guiblan and his crew by myself” y/n pointedly reminded him.
Kaz scoffed, leaning back in his seat dismissively. “Last week as in when you were stabbed during what should’ve been a simple task?” He remarked.
Y/n sank in her seat. She was suddenly weighed down with self-doubt and embarrassment. These weren’t often feelings that her brother made her feel. However, for that exact reason it felt extra heavy.
“Is that what this is about? That’s why I’m no longer assigned tasks or shifts?” She questioned quietly.
Her mind raced as she waited for his reply. It wasn’t like she tried to get hurt last week. Saints, she fought off numerous large men by herself even though no one else was supposed to even be there. She even still successfully completed her task. Yet, that wasn’t enough for him?
Kaz stayed silent. Instead of responding, he looked away from her. His eyes were now staring sharply at one of the cracks in his wall.
Y/n stood up to leave. “For the record, I was out numbered. Besides, there weren’t supposed to be any guards in the first place”.
“Not everything goes according to plan all the time” Kaz acknowledged with a small dismissive shrug.
Y/n bit her lip as her head lowered slightly at his comment. “I’m aware of that, but-“
“But, you weren’t able to handle it without getting injured” Kaz said, his eyes snapping back towards her. He quickly realized he almost revealed the real reason behind keeping y/n from being involved in any Crow or Dreg business. As such, he puffed his chest and added, “and then Nina had to waste her energy taking care of it and couldn’t work her next shift.”
Y/n balked, her already pale skin losing color. “Wasted her energy? Fuck you Kaz. I never asked for her to take care of my injury-“ y/n defended.
“You didn’t have to,” he snapped, slamming his gloved hands on table as he rose from his seat. “I take care of my Crows. This whole business doesn’t work without my investments operating at full capacity” Kaz reminded her.
She stated at Kaz silently for a second. Did he really just call his own sister an investment to his business? He was mad because she was utilizing too many resources? Resources she never asked for?
Y/n wasn’t sure what to say. But it didn’t matter. Because just as she opened her mouth to speak, Kaz interrupted.
“You were decommissioned for days and took Nina down with you. I cannot have that” he said, much more calmly this time. However, there was still a burning anger to his eyes.
“The others get hurt too Kaz, why am I the one needing to apologize for it?” Y/n questioned. She was hoping there was something she was missing. After all, if she were only an investment like the others, why was she being targeted by him?
Kaz once again broke eye contact. His gaze drifted to his cluttered desk this time. “I needed more from you” He said simply.
Y/n squinted, “tell me what you want and I’ll do it”. She didn’t understand what was happening. If her brother needed something from her, he would always just tell her. Why did that change?
“You cannot do it” Kaz stated emotionlessly.
Was that what it was? He was mad not just because she was utilizing too many resources. But because she was utilizing too many resources while not contributing enough in exchange?
Even more than that, he didn’t think she could? Kaz wasn’t an idiot. So was she truly that weak and incompetent? Y/n hadn’t thought so, but maybe she was wrong. “Ka-“ She began, hoping to clear the air.
“Y/n, listen to me. I know what I can and cannot assign you” He said dismissively, shaking his head in frustration.
She stared at the side of his face as he actively ignored her. There was suddenly this defeated heaviness settling into her chest. She took a deep breath before reluctantly asking one of the pressing questions in her mind. “So I’m done with it all?” Y/n questioned.
“If there are tasks I think you can handle, then I will inform you of such. Until then, drop this attitude” Kaz ordered.
She shook her head. The action mostly for herself over her disbelief; after all, he still wasn’t looking at her. “What do you expect me to do in meantime?” Y/n sighed.
Kaz groaned as he ran a leather glove covered hand through his tousled hair. “I don’t care. Read. Have a music session with Wylan. Saints, maybe have Inej or Jesper train you to handle fights.” He remarked, eyes flickering up to her frame.
Kaz watched as she visibly sank. Y/n shrunk in both posture and confidence right before his eyes. And then she was gone. It was all his fault; he knew that.
He even felt a morsel of guilt and regret over it. But that diminished when he recalled seeing his younger sister bleeding from a stab wound. Y/n had gotten the injury because of him. But that wouldn’t happen again. It couldn’t.
Kaz couldn’t let it happen again. He wasn’t sure if he could survive that. Sure, y/n had healed fine. But, it very easily could’ve ended in her death instead. That was something Kaz would do whatever necessary to prevent.
He’d lost his older brother Jordie. He couldn’t lose his younger sister as well. He loved and cherished her too much. Kaz and y/n had always been close.
They were both little when Jordie passed. All three siblings had gotten sick; but only two survived. His brother’s death tore apart almost every aspect of Kaz’s life. All the way down to his morals and life’s motivation. Yet, he didn’t let it tear his relationship with his little sister away.
Kaz had fought to keep himself and y/n alive ever since that day. Y/n had always looked up to Kaz. And while his behaviors changed drastically after Jordie’s death, hers didn’t. She continued to look up to Kaz and tried to be like him. That infuriated Kaz at first, until he realized it was the one thing that would truly keep her safe.
Yet, when she was stabbed last week, that notion evaporated. Kaz knew who was responsible. And he knew why they did it. He’d pissed off the wrong person.
Well, to Kaz there was no such thing. But when it came to getting his sister involved, that was different. She wasn’t supposed to be connected to or impacted by his actions. Yet, that night he’d sent her off on an errand only for her to come back bleeding because of him.
Kaz knew his words tonight made y/n think he saw her as weak. He also knew she took everything he said to her or thought of her to heart. He hated being the reason she now believed she wasn’t strong enough.
But, he told himself it was best this way. She’d likely not push as hard when he refused to let her attend heists or deny her shifts at the club. Both of which he needed to do to keep her safe. To keep her alive. To keep the last piece of himself afloat and alive.
“Kaz, that makes no sense” y/n argued.
It had only taken a few hours for y/n to decide she was going to prove Kaz wrong. Last night she’d elected to show him she wasn’t weak. That she was capable of contributing and keeping up with the others.
Therefore, when she overheard the plans for the crows to meet with Evrin Golding, a wealthy merchant, she tried to convince Kaz to let her join them. Much to Kaz’s dismay. However, he abruptly shut that down with a vague excuse as to why she couldn’t go.
“I don’t need to explain myself to you” Kaz sighed, grabbing his hat from the coat rack by his door.
Y/n huffed and glares at him. He was being so difficult. How could she prove herself if he wouldn’t let her go? “Yes, you do. Because I deserve to go. Plus you could use an extra set of eyes” she smirked.
Kaz rolled his eyes, “you’re not going.”
“That’s irrational and you know it” y/n argued weakly.
Her brother merely surged as he put his hat on, “clearly it runs in the family”.
She groaned and walked until she was blocking the door with her body, “Kaz,-“.
“You’re not going. I don’t want or need you there. End of discussion” Kaz spat.
Y/n frowned and stepped aside. She hadn’t expected herself to cave so quickly. Especially when she had the upper hand by blocking the door. Yet, Kaz’s words stung more than she’d expected.
It had only been a few moments of sulking in her self loathing before she ventured outside. Y/n knew where the meeting was to take place. So while Kaz may not have allowed her to go with, he couldn’t stop her from following after them. Sure it was somewhat childish, but it was the option she was left with if she didn’t want to just accept Kaz’s analysis of her.
Y/n quietly lowered herself to the ground beside Inej. They laid on their bellies atop an old abandoned building just outside of the Barrel. Inej of course had heard y/n coming, but the others hadn’t. As such, y/n allowed herself to get comfortable on the rooftop before watching the scene below.
“I tried to get him to let you come” Inej whispered as the wind whipped past them. It was just loud enough for y/n to hear before the wind carried the sound behind them; away from the others below.
Y/n smiled to herself as she whispered a grateful thank you to her friend. She was pleased to know at least Inej didn’t find her too weak to take part in tonight’s activities. However, it seemed even Inej couldn’t convince y/n’s older brother of her strength.
Y/n and Inej made hushed small talk as they watched from a distance. It was mostly about their latest events in their lives outside of the tasks they did for Kaz. Y/n knew Inej was trying to keep her mind off the fact y/n’s brother thought she was too weak to be here. It helped some; it always helped to talk with Inej.
However, a small disagreement between her brother and their contact easily caught her attention. Y/n and Inej immediately silenced in order to listen closer. They shared a knowing look as Kaz’s attitude only worsened the situation.
Y/n smirked to herself when she realized she could help Kaz. She knew she’d be able to not only help him get out unharmed, but also still complete the task at hand. Kaz was great at reading people. So he had to know how his behavior was worsening the situation.
But Y/n knew when it came to Pekka, Kaz’s vision blurred. This man Kaz was trying to get intel from was part of Pekka’s crew and could be yanking his chain.
Of course y/n hated Pekka with her entirety as well. But, she was able to separate his crew from him. They hadn’t been there. It didn’t mean she liked them, but rather could tolerate them just long enough to handle the task without her emotions taking over. Part of it had to do with her dissociating from her emotions and traumas; but it worked. At least for matters like this. Matters in which her remaining older brother’s fury blinded him and endangered his life. She wouldn’t lose another brother, and certainly not at the hands of Pekka again. So she’d mastered over the years how to not let Pekka or his crew impact her the way it did Kaz. It wasn’t healthy for her as she had to dismiss her traumatic experiences. But, it kept Kaz from taking it too far and getting killed in his search for revenge.
“Excuse me, I have to go make a scene." Y/n whispered to Inej. She slowly rose from the ground and walked to the far end of the building. It would be best if she acted like she stumbled upon the two of them. Kaz wouldn’t believe it for a second, but the Dime Lion easily would if she did it right.
“Y/n, I wouldn’t cross Kaz. His sister or not, no one crosses him” Inej warned, looking over her shoulder at y/n. She sighed when she saw the determined look in y/n’s eyes. It was the same look Kaz got when he was set firmly on a decision he’d made.
“Well, what can I say? I'm a badass." She winked as she jumped down from the back of the building. Y/n quickly made her way around the building to join the scene she’d witnessed from above. She noticed the way the Dime Lion grinned at her as his eyes scanned her body.
She also noticed how livid her brother was. Of course she did, he was practically steaming. Anyone could see how Kaz’s eyes bore into her as he watched her approach. But, she ignored his unspoken order to leave.
“Hi, I’m y/n” y/n greeted, smiling innocently as she stood before their contact.
Kaz remained by her side, his hand tight on the crows head of his cane. If he hadn’t wanted to kill the Dime Lion earlier, he certainly did now. He despised y/n ignoring him and following him out here. But he could have killed the man before him for falling for y/N’s faux innocent play. Especially when the man kept checking her out.
“Well hello there beautiful, I’m Dan-“ the contact began, extending his hand towards y/n.
Kaz cut him off by swinging his cane down between them and shook his head. “Your name does not matter. Nor do her looks. We are here for one thing-“ Kaz barked.
“What my brother means to say,” y/n forced a giggle, “is that I could really use some help from you”.
This was one of the ways y/n and her brother Kaz differed greatly. Kaz refused to show weakness, even if it was fake. Y/n however, didn’t mind pretending. She knew better than to show her true weakness(es). But she was willing to utilize faux ones.
After all, y/n knew she men -especially those in Ketterdam- saw women as far weaker. While y/n knew she could easily take most of these men by herself, she saw their ignorance as a tool. It made it a lot easier to get someone off guard if they let their own guard down due to thinking she was merely a weak girl.
However, she was now wondering if that’s why Kaz saw her the same way. Did he fall for her pretend innocence and ignorance? How could he have? Did he still see her as the little girl she was before they lost Jordie?
She had to push these thoughts aside and refocus on the current moment. Y/n forced on a tender smile as she waited for the man to respond.
He seemed to be intelligent enough to not fall for it immediately. However, as he looked back over at y/n’s ‘shy’ body language, he caved. “Of course darling, I was just telling your brother that I’d love to help. Especially for a damsel like yourself” the man smiled, pretending he hadn’t been arguing with Kaz moments ago.
Kaz’s grip on his cane tightened dangerously. He wouldn’t have been surprised if he snapped off the crows head at the top of the cane. It was all Kaz could do to get himself to silently go along with y/n’s fake storyline. It was all he could do to control his brotherly protectiveness. It was all Kaz could do to not kill the man where he stood.
To say Kaz was pissed would be a grave understatement. Yet, no one could truly find the right word to describe his current state. He stood rigid, his sharp eyes burning holes in y/n’s. The tension in the air palpable.
Kaz had ignored her the entire return to the slat. He refused to go off on her in the streets where others could see or hear. He didn’t need anyone knowing how much she mattered to him. How much her actions and safety swayed him.
As such, he kicked everyone out of the slat as they returned. Well, everyone but his crows. He’d ordered them out but didn’t have enough focus or concern to force them to leave. They already knew how Kaz was with his sister anyways.
This meant the crows all stood silently as they watched in anxious anticipation. While Inej had been the only one to have seen what happened, it wasn’t hard to piece it together. The crows knew stubbornness ran in the Brekker family. So they knew it was only a matter of time before y/n pissed Kaz off by disobeying his latest orders for her.
Kaz tried to control his anger towards his sister. He could feel the raging fury alive and consuming inside of him. But he didn’t want to be mad at her much less act out against her (especially if it was only due to said emotions). Yet, as the scene replayed in his mind, he felt panic merge with his anger.
“What the hell were you thinking?!” Kaz spat, stalking closer to where she sat.
Jesper’s eyes widened as he watched his friends nervously. “Kaz, man, maybe-“ he awkwardly interjected. His goal was to calm Kaz down before he said something he’d regret. But his interruption only resulted in him getting chewed out as well.
The crows froze in their places as they listened to the loud bickering between y/n and Kaz. They weren’t sure what to have expected. The siblings disagreed from time to time, but this was something very different. To make matters worse, both of them were stubborn and angry. That wasn’t a good mix in anyone, but much less in a Brekker.
“I told you I cannot rely on you” Kaz stated, adding another insult to the mix he’d already thrown her way tonight. He refused to look at her as he said it. But, he kept his head high and voice loud and authoritative nonetheless.
Y/n shook her head at him as she took a deep breath. It wasn’t that this comment was worse than the others. But she’d had enough. Y/n may have acted out of an attempt to prove herself, but she also did it to protect him. Yet, he still shouted insults at her.
She once again found herself feeling ashamed and weak. Y/n might have no problem pretending to be these things to get people to do what she wanted. But that didn’t mean she wanted people to actually believe them. Much less her fellow crows. Much less her brother. And much less herself.
Y/n quietly stood and turned to head to bed before her emotions could show. She heard Kaz ordering her to stay where she was. But, what was one more disappointment from her?
Y/n had barely made it to her room before she broke down. She locked her door and slid down the thin wood until her butt hit the floor. Maybe Kaz was right. Maybe she was too weak to handle this. After all, here she was, practically sobbing over an argument with her brother.
Kaz entered her room later that night. By then, she’d composed herself and removed any signs of her heartbreak. Which was good because he’d only come to lecture her further.
Y/n spaced off early on into his latest speech about how she had let him down. She didn’t care to hear it anymore. It hurt and she was furious that Kaz was the one hurting her.
As Kaz went to continue venting his annoyance, he noticed she seemed distant. Furrowing his brows, he asked "Are you even listening to me?"
Y/n let her eyes return to focus, and shook her head. “No, but you don’t want me to be” she admitted, clicking her tongue.
Kaz growled quietly, “Hmm and why is that?”
"I will break your nose if you keep talking about how weak I am. I’ve heard it enough” she explained, looking away from his intense stare.
Kaz saw the pain flickering in her eyes despite her response. He sighed and took a long deep breath before speaking. His tone was much less harsh as he told her, “I did not say you are weak”.
Y/N’s eyes snapped back to him, annoyance overtaking her pain. “Not directly, but you still did” she argued.
“What do you want from me? To coddle you and your feelings?” Kaz retorted. Guilt hit him instantly but he held his ground. He would ignore his guilt if it meant keping y/n safe.
“Why are you treating me like I’m your enemy and not a friend?” Y/n whispered, her voice soft again.
“You’re not my friend y/n” Kaz groaned. He hated the way her face fell even more at his words. But, this was what needed to be done.
“You’re right, I’m your sister. That’s worse” she acknowledged, her voice cracking.
Kaz wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t want to make her feel worse. But, he also couldn’t apologize. So, he leaned against her desk silently.
“Get out” y/n ordered meekly.
While Kaz debated ignoring her, he decided against it. He could see how defeated his sister was. So, while he wouldn’t act on his guilt and apologize, he could at least offer her some space. Kaz glanced back at her one more time before leaving her room.
“Aren’t you in a cheery mood” Jesper teased sarcastically as y/n rolled her eyes yet again when Kaz was speaking.
“I have a right to be angry." Y/n retorted, shaking her head.
“Could you be any more annoying?” Kaz asked as he stopped reading off his list of today’s assignments.
Y/n glared across the room at him, “Excuse me?”
Kaz rolled his eyes back at her. “You heard me y/n” he stated calmly. “You’re making us go in circles. We’ve been over this. You’re not taking part in any of the Crows’ or Dregs’ tasks unless I say so” Kaz reminded her. “So stop interrupting the meeting with your infuriatingly annoying emotions” he ordered.
“Kaz,” Inej sighed, shaking her head at him as she gave him a knowing look.
Jesper bravely jumped in again as Kaz glared at Inej. “Y/n has been training with Inej and I, daily. She’s great” Jesper informed him. He watched as y/n nodded in acknowledgment of the training sessions they’d had the last few weeks.
Y/n noticed how Kaz froze and seemed to be pondering Jesper’s remark. “Told you, I’m not weak” she huffed, sending him a glare.
“Y/n, I-“ Kaz sighed, shaking his head.
“Just let me come, I can keep up” y/n pleaded, sitting up straight thanks to Jesper’s compliment.
Kaz took a deep breath. “No” he responded defiantly.
“But Kaz,-“ y/n argued, leaning forward in her seat.
“No” was all he responded with again as he shook his head.
“Come on, you know I am not too weak for this life. Admit I’m right” y/n said. Part of her was teasing in hopes he’d loosen up some. But the other part of her wanted him to say she wasn’t weak. She was still struggling with her own belief on the topic and needed him to clarify it for her.
“I will do not such thing” Kaz said.
Y/n chose to ignore the clenching of her chest and lungs at his refusal. Instead, she reminded herself that he never liked to give others compliments. But there was one thing he hated more. As such, she pressed her luck by responding, “Fine, then admit you’re wrong”.
“No” he groaned, dismissing her with that one word sentiment again.
Y/n threw her hands in the air dramatically. “Quit acting like this you stupid wet sock” she sighed. Y/n could hear the quiet laughter of the crows over the unusual insult. But she knew Kaz would pick up on it.
Y/n hated wet socks and Kaz knew that. She’d hated them ever since she was old enough to say so. It was her final straw when the orphaned siblings had found themselves out on the streets of Ketterdam. She couldn’t handle the feeling on her feet and the cold nights only made it worse. In fact, she had verbally blamed the wet socks for the three of them having caught the illness that took Jordie from them.
So, while it seemed like a humorously random insult to the Crows, Kaz was actually impacted by it. He knew it hadn’t been her intention to bring his mind back to that night. Much less to insult him by calling him the one thing she blamed for what happened. Kaz knew she’d never do that, even if she were furious with him.
But, that didn’t mean he was able to keep it from impacting him or his response. He glared across his desk at her before walking to the door. “You’re staying here! It's better for everyone!” Kaz shouted as he angrily walked out.
Y/n once again elected to ignore Kaz. She was determined to prove him wrong. Y/n was also determined to prove to herself she could handle it. As a result, she was once again on a sketchy rooftop with Inej.
The girls silently watched the scene below. In which Kaz was pretending to bargain with the merchant. The plan was for Nina to pickpocket the merchant while Kaz and Jesper had him distracted.
It all seemed to be going according to plan at first. However, that quickly changed when one of the merchant’s men noticed and let out a calling sound. Suddenly, twelve armed men appeared, surrounding Kaz and Jesper.
The sharpshooter had drawn his pistols but was waiting on a sign from Kaz to pull the trigger. However, Kaz calmly shifted his gaze up to the rooftop instead. Y/n flattened herself out even further, hiding behind the ledge of the roof. Inej gave her a soft giggle as she rose to join Kaz.
Once Kaz saw Inej caught his signal, he finally gave Jesper his. Within seconds the trade meeting erupted into a battle. Y/n wanted to go down and help, but she still feared that Kaz might be right. If he was and she went down there, she’d only make it worse.
So she remained steady on the rooftop. Her eyes danced over the chaos, checking everyone’s safety. That was when she saw her brother had been knocked down. Kaz was struggling to return to his feet when a gun was placed against the back of his head.
Y/n didn’t hesitate any longer. She flung her quiver over her shoulder, grabbing a single arrow before setting the quiver beside her. As she loaded the arrow into her bow, she took a deep breath and stared intently at her target.
Kaz looked up from the ground and over to where the arrow had come from. His eyes narrowed as he saw his sister on the roof. Despite his orders to stay at the Slat. Kaz shook his head as his relief quickly changed into anger.
“Nice shot” Jesper grinned, slinging his arm over y/n’s shoulder after she’d made her way down to them.
“Y/n,” Nina smiled, “glad you could join us!”
Y/n smiled back and shrugged, “Well, it’s more like I crashed the party, since I wasn’t invited, but-“.
”You weren't invited because no one wanted you to come." Kaz spat, staring her down.
“I just saved your life Kaz-“ y/n argued, waving her arm around to the now-dead bodies on the street.
Kaz shook his head and gritted his teeth. “You just risked my life and everyone else’s” he replied.
“Excuse me? He’s dead, he was going to kill you. I handled it” y/n pointed out in disbelief. She’d literally taken someone’s life to keep him safe and he was still mad?
Kaz remained angry. “You weren’t to be here. You risked everyone’s safety by throwing the plan off” he rebutted. He knew it wasn’t entirely true and that it might sound like a stretch even to his Crows. But he hoped y/n would focus on his need to be in charge of the plans at all times.
“Having a gun pointed to your head while knocked on the ground was part of the plan?!” Y/n snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Y/n” Kaz warned, his voice clipped.
She shook her head, “No, if you don’t want me throwing off the plan then just include me to start with”.
“How many times must I tell you no?” Kaz groaned, running a hand through his sweaty hair.
“Until it makes sense!” She retorted, smirking at him confidently.
Kaz moved his hand back down and laid it over his other on top of his cane. “It does make sense! You were not included because I did not want you here. You are more of a risk than you are helpful.” He told her, eyes staring at her abdomen as he spoke.
“So you killed the man, good for you, who cares? “ Kaz asked rhetorically. He regretted that remark as he knew killing someone wasn’t something y/n took lightly. But, Kaz nonetheless continued to berate her for risking herself. “If you were here from the start, it would’ve been worse. You’re a weakness and liability. When will you comprehend that?” Kaz huffed.
“Is that truly how little you think of me?" Y/n asked, her voice weak and shallow.
Kaz felt himself wanting to give in and confess the reality behind his anger. To express that he didn’t see her as weak, but still worried about her being taken from him. But, he wouldn’t let himself. He merely nodded even though it weren’t one hundred percent true.
“Fine. I comprehend that” y/n stated emotionlessly as she turned around and left.
Kaz sighed in relief that the conversation was over. He had the feeling this time he finally got through to her. Her dejected response and giving up on the argument suggested such.
Kaz had assumed y/n went back to The Crow’s Club or the Slat when she left the scene earlier that night. As such, when he arrived, he sent Inej to check on her state. He knew his Crows were all judging him for having said the things he did to her. But, he only asked Inej to check on her because he wanted to know she had made it back safely, not because he was going to apologize.
Kaz was sitting in his office, resting his head in his hands. He was nursing a headache and his leg was brutally assaulting him with pain. Yet, his mind couldn’t stop thinking about how to keep y/n from trying to dismiss his orders again. He couldn’t face losing her. But what levels would he go to if it meant hurting her along the way?
Before he’d had time to analyze that question, Inej entered his room. He glanced up from his hands and squinted at her. She seemed concerned which set him on high alert. “Well?” Kaz asked impatiently.
“She’s not here” Inej whispered, wincing as he watched fear flash through his eyes.
“What do you mean she’s not here?” Kaz asked sharply.
“She’s not here Kaz, it’s straightforward” Inej remarked, “she must have headed elsewhere”.
Kaz stiffly breathed in and out through his flared nostrils. “Go” he ordered. “Find her” Kaz clarified, closing his eyes.
Inej falteted. She wasn’t sure bothering y/n was the best solution. Inej also doubted Kaz would respond well to y/n when she got back from wherever she’d gone off to. “Kaz-“ she drawled.
“Find her and bring her ho-“ Kaz coughed. “-back here” he corrected, eyes still squeezed shut.
Inej silently nodded and left to track down her friend.
“Jesper? Jesper, where are you?” He flicked on a light looking for any sign of trouble.
Jesper's coat was missing from where it usually sat, on the chair near the window, and his guns were absent as well.
Which meant Jesper was gone.
Wylan could feel the panic in him growing, heartbeat speeding up and making its way to his fingertips. It pulsed through his body, and his head began to spin, spin, spin, until he was somehow on the floor, curled up against the wall with his palms pressed to his ears.
A thousand different things raced through his head, each one worse and more painful than the last. He knew he was probably overreacting, but the panic in his head didn’t listen to reason. It just saw what was there and spun it on its head, sending him drifting down a path of doubt and despair that grew and shook at his body with each broken sob.
Had Jesper gone out for an early mission, forgetting to tell Wylan about it? Or had he meant to leave without a word? Had he finally realized that Wylan wasn’t worth sticking around for?
Maybe he was in danger. Maybe he didn’t want anything to do with Wylan anymore. Maybe, maybe, maybe rang through the shaken boy's head as his eyes brimmed with tears.
He was so wrapped up in the hypothetical that he didn’t hear the bedroom door creak open.
writing prompt "Are you calling me a liar?" "Well, I ain't calling you a truther, bud." for character of choice
Lying Bastard : Kaz Brekker x Reader Part 1
Part 2 here, Mini-Series Navigation here
Description: roughly 10k wc, Pt1 (both up already) Kaz ends his relationship with the reader and sends her away after she makes a mistake during a heist. But fortunately for Kaz, Jesper senses he’s lying and tries to get to the bottom of it.
Mini Series Themes/tropes/etc.: hurt-comfort, angst-fluff, handwritten letters, kaz x Reader, crow!reader, soc themes, etc.
Warnings: angst, some curse words, standard soc type material, slight SaB (BOOK) spoiler (referenced but not stated)
Notes: this is part 1 of an optional mini-series. You can end at whichever part without problems / to get a different aesthetic or ending. There are two parts.
Dedicated in honor of @ell0ra-br3kk3r ‘s birthday! 💜
Thank you @rpmemes-galore for the prompt suggestion/request!
“You know why” Kaz argued harshly, glaring at y/n.
She furrowed her brows, “are you serious right now?”
He rolled his eyes, “when am I not?”
She halted her actions, staring at him in shock.
Kaz discretely bit his inner lip but held his ground; not letting the pained look in her eyes deter him.
“Kaz, it was one mistake” she argued, her eyes stinging with tears as she saw the determination in his facial features.
He didn’t respond, only shifting his weight off his bad leg as he stared at the suitcase he placed on her bed.
“You’re seriously b-… you’re breaking up with me and kicking me out of the slat over one mistake?” She choked, shaking her head at him.
“You’re leaving for safety reasons” He stated simply before signaling to the suitcase.
“Get out” she stated weakly.
Kaz clenched his jaw and tightened the grip on his cane.
“I said, get out!” She snapped, opening the door for him aggressively.
“You do not give the orders around here y/n, and-“ he remarked, staring at her with his normal scowl, one he never used on her before.
“I’m well aware of that, believe me” she scoffed, “and don’t worry, I’m leaving”.
Kaz nodded, “good”.
She watched as Kaz limped out of her room, slamming the door behind him.
Y/n sniffed as she tried not to cry.
She couldn’t cry over him, she wouldn’t let herself.
Sure she made a mistake, but so had every other Crow at some point.
She could understand Kaz feeling he had to be more strict with her to maintain the way the others saw him and their relationship.
But, this was far past that line he always cautiously walked.
During the heist, y/n had forgotten to lock a door behind her as they fled a heist.
Kaz reprimanded her, stating that someone would then notice the item was missing.
It hasn’t happened yet, but Kaz told her it was only a matter of time.
She was already disappointed in herself, so she’d been understanding initially over his frustration.
The longer between the theft and its detection would form a greater chance for their group to have been undetected and another team being misperceived as the culprits.
In other words, her mistake meant she risked earlier detection and therefore their group being connected to it and the necklace being stolen back since the mark would know who it was that’d taken it.
However, it wasn’t a life or death mistake, unlike ones the other crows had made before without this severe of a consequence.
Yet, after giving y/n the silent treatment for a few days, today Kaz went to her room and snapped at her.
He simply told her it was over between them and that she’d need to leave.
At first, when Kaz told her that he was disgusted by this mistake but wouldn’t be cruel and instead had arranged a new residence for her, she assumed he was joking.
Kicking her out and breaking it off was drastic, something only Dirtyhands might consider.
But, if Dirtyhands had been the force behind it, he wouldn’t have gotten her a new residence.
It didn’t make any sense.
She nearly fell over with laughter as Kaz told her she’d be staying at the little palace with the Ravkan king, Nikolai Lantsov.
How he even knew the king, let alone struck a deal with him, was intriguing; even if he was Kaz Brekker.
Yet she couldn’t get herself to ask those questions once she saw the truth in his eyes.
He was serious, he was ending it and sending her to Ravka.
As she replayed the events again in her mind, her tears burst through the walls she tried to put up and poured down her cheeks.
To make matters worse, tomorrow would have marked her 5th anniversary with Kaz.
She knew he still struggled with relationships and emotions, but it hurt that he didn’t seem phased by these orders he gave her nor the timing of it.
She wiped her face on the back of her hand before she began literally throwing things into the case on her bed.
Kaz sat at his desk, his head in his hands as he tried to steady his breath.
He didn’t want to do this but he had to.
If he let her stay, if he stayed with her, he feared it could be fatal.
He glared at the messy notes on his desk, crumpling a few and tossing them across his room.
Never in the last seven years since being with her would he have seen himself sending y/n away.
Only once in the last five years since they began dating would he have expected to be the one ending their relationship.
And that went away when they’d talked about how she’d be able to stay safe despite them being together.
Yet, here he was, sitting alone at his desk, eyes nearly watering, as he recalled doing just that.
He doubted he’d ever forgive himself for causing the expression that fell on her face when realizing he was serious.
But he also would never forgive himself if he didn’t do this and something happened to her.
“Are you ready?” Kaz asked firmly, watching as y/n sat at her desk writing a note.
Y/n glared over at him, but the faint remainder of tears in her eyes nearly broke him.
She held up one finger to signal him to wait.
Kaz sighed and leaned on her doorframe as he glanced down the hall to ensure no one was coming.
He watched as she slid her chair back after she finished securing the note and placed it to the side of her desk, atop a pile of similar ones.
“Ready” y/n said, voice wavering slightly but she fought to key her composure as she harshly pulled the case off her bed.
“Leave the bag” Kaz ordered.
“Excuse me?” She paused, “maybe you can kick me out, but these things are mine”.
Kaz nodded once, “it will get to you”.
She stared at him in shocked understanding, “You don’t want the others knowing, do you?”
Kaz groaned, “I don’t believe that is your business any longer”.
Y/n scoffed, “they’ll know soon enough, you have no reason to stop that”.
He gritted his teeth as he bit back explaining to her why that could not happen.
Kaz smirked, “I don’t need a reason”.
“They’ll figure it out” She muttered, putting her notebook and pens into her inner coat pocket.
Kaz shook his head, “they will not. I’ve sent them out for the evening. I’ll be letting them know to not communicate with you. And you will not communicate with them either”.
Y/n laughed coldly, “how are you going to manage that Brekker?”
He pushed the exit open, pointing her in the direction of her ride, “the same way I managed you residing elsewhere “.
“You’re going to have the King stop me from writing to them?!” She shouted.
Kaz forced himself to roll his eyes, “if that’s what it takes. And you can be as loud as you wish, they’re too far to hear you resist the consequences of your actions”.
Y/n pressed her lips into a firm line as she looked around, debating if she should give up a guaranteed residence in order to flee.
Kaz gripped his cane tighter, effortlessly reading this decision in her eyes and despising himself for promoting it.
But, it was what he expected; what he accounted for.
“You cannot run, the king’s brought guards to ensure you get on his ship” Kaz told her.
“What does he get in return?” Y/n questioned fearfully.
Kaz glared, “you don’t actually believe I’d do what you’re suggesting!?”
She crossed her arms, facing him with a furious stare, “I don’t know what, or who, to believe anymore”.
He internally flinched at her harsh tone but simply shook his head, “it isn’t that. He owes me”.
Y/n rolled her eyes, “Why waste the favor on me? You could just kick me out fully or kill me, you know”.
“I would not kill you” Kaz stated with a glare, “and the ‘why’ doesn’t matter”
“And if I refuse to go with him?” She pressed.
“Where else would you go?” Kaz scoffed.
“Does it matter? I am capable of providing for myself Brekker” she defended.
Kaz sighed firmly, “no I suppose it does not matter. Nonetheless, the deal is the deal and you will be staying in Ravka”.
“Ms. Y/l/n, let’s go” Someone said before she could argue with Kaz again.
She turns to see Sturmhond, a privateer they’d worked with on a previous heist.
“You?” She asks, looking between Sturmhond and Kaz.
Kaz ignored her and nodded at Sturmhond.
“Whatever” She groaned, knowing if she wanted her stuff back she’d need to comply for now at least.
She noticed Kaz seemed almost pleased at her cooperation.
Of course he was, now he didn’t have to deal with her and her failures.
“Y/n,” She barely heard Kaz’s whisper over the wind as she stepped closer to the ship.
But, she refused to acknowledge him; instead lifting her head higher and speeding up to increase the distance.
Kaz sighed to himself as he watched Sturmhond guide her into his ship before nodding at Kaz.
“Get out” Kaz barked, not turning to even face Inej as he entered his room.
“No, you cannot just not tell me where y/n is” Inej growled, having impatiently waited in his room for his return.
Kaz tossed his hat towards the corner of the room, his coat following.
“Brekker! Where is she?” Inej questioned, glancing at the mess he was making, “did you two break up?”.
Kaz bit hard on his cheek as he shut his eyes, “she’s gone, Wraith”.
Inej faltered at the poorly hidden crack in his voice and the possible meaning behind his words, “w-what?”
Kaz, of course, caught on to her misinterpretation, already having been planning on it.
So he utilized it as planned, “You heard me. She’s gone and…”
He swallowed, the underlying truth behind the words stinging, “She’s not coming back. She cannot come back”.
It was silent for a moment as Kaz stared at the bed, already missing the way y/n would sit with her legs crisscrossed on the end as she needlessly helped Kaz with the plans for the crows’ next heist.
Inej eventually left without another word, fleeing to isolate herself in her room.
“Kaz, seriously, Jesper is going stir crazy” Wylan pointed out while his boyfriend sat at one of his favorite gambling dens, yet again.
“That’s my problem because?” Kaz remarked, shifting a book over the piece of the paper he’d been writing on.
Wylan noticed and suppressed a smile at the fact that despite his reading disability, Kaz still treated him as if he could encipher the material if he saw it.
“He’s burning through his credits you installed. We need a heist, surely you’ve got something” Wylan argued.
Kaz glowered up at him, “excuse me?”
“It’s been months without a heist! And you’ve been cooped up in your office for nearly three weeks without sending us on anything, we’re not even pick pocketing, so it must be a big heist you’re planning. I assume that’s what is under the book” Wylan pointed out.
Kaz gritted his teeth, to him it felt like far longer than a mere three weeks in isolation and centuries instead months since that night.
His eyes burned as he tried to keep his gaze away from the letter under the book on his desk.
“What is under the book is of no business to you” Kaz spat, “but, send him in”.
Wylan gave Kaz a questioning look but nodded, pleased things were going to get back to normal.
Sure he missed and grieved for y/n too, but his boyfriend Jesper had been acting weird ever since Kaz broke the news to Inej.
Wylan was certain he was in denial still, but Jesper wouldn’t speak about it.
“Why are you burning through your credit faster than normal?” Kaz asked, not looking up from his messy desk.
Jesper plopped into the chair across from Kaz with an eye roll, “I’m bored “.
“There’s more than that Jesper, be honest” Kaz rebutted.
Jesper scoffed, “that’s hypocritical”.
Kaz glanced up from his table to look at him, “if you have something to say, do so”.
Sitting up straight, Jesper leaned forward towards Kaz, “you’re hiding something”.
Kaz forced a smirk, “of course I am”.
Rolling his eyes for what felt like the millionth time, Jesper groaned, “about y/n”.
Kaz’s eyes widened briefly before flashing a sorrowful glow, his lips twitching slightly.
It all lasted for less than two seconds, but Jesper caught note of it.
“See, that! I know something happened to her” Jesper declared.
Kaz stiffened, his eyes burning into Jesper’s skin, “I already told Inej… she-“
Jesper cut him off with a dramatic head shake, “She’s not dead” Jesper stated confidently.
“Are you calling me a liar?” Kaz questioned, grinding his teeth.
“Well, I ain't calling you a truther, bud." Jesper retorted.
Kaz stood up abruptly, “I’m done with this nonsense. Get out”.
“No” Jesper whispered defiantly, Kaz turning to shoot him an icy look.
“Not until you tell me where she is and what happened. I know she’s not dead” Jesper argues.
Kaz just stares at him in silence, his mind once again failing to process normally.
It had been like this since she’d departed, he couldn’t think clearly, much less do his normal scheming.
“Where’s y/n?” Jesper pushes, crossing his arms over his chest.
Jesper notices the distant look in Kaz’s eyes, but knows it’s not distant enough for Jesper to believe she’s actually dead.
“You may be the worst person with emotions, literally ever. But I’ve known you far too long Kaz. I know you’d be reacting much differently if she were actually dead” Jesper explains, his voice firm but low in volume.
Kaz purses his lips, his hand on his cane tightening.
“You want to know why I’ve been gambling more? Because of this” Jesper stated, his voice cracking, “it’s driving me crazy Kaz. Where in saints sake is she?!”
Looking around the room until his gaze pauses for a split second on the stack of letters on his desk, Kaz swallows thickly.
Jesper follows his stare and hurriedly launches himself towards the desk before Kaz has time to hobble over and stop him.
“You’re writing to her?!” Jesper gasped as he read y/N’s name on the address line of the first letter he grabbed.
Kaz growled, reaching his gloved hand out, “let go of them”.
“Not until you explain what is going on!” Jesper argued, unfolding the letter.
Reaching out and gently tugging on the corner of the letter in Jesper’s hand as to not rip it, Kaz starts a silent staring contest with his sharpshooter.
“I’m not giving in this time Kaz. Y/n mattered to me. To all of us. The others might believe she’s dead, but I know better. I know you better. Now explain or I’ll read each damn letter to find out for myself” Jesper threatened.
Kaz’s eyes flickering to his swooping handwritten emotions on the letter in Jesper’s hand.
Sighing in annoyance Kaz gave him one firm nod.
Jesper lets go of the note, smugly sitting back down in the chair before Kaz‘s desk.
“You have to be kidding me” Jesper exclaims exasperatedly.
Kaz gives him a knowing look, “I don’t kid”.
“Right… right… no I know that” Jes responds as he tries to comprehend the situation.
“It’s just… I always thought of you as this insanely smart mastermind type guy” Jesper chuckles mockingly, “but you’re really just an idiot”.
Glaring harshly, his jaw tight, Kaz shakes his head at Jesper, “you don’t know what you’re talking about “.
“Yes I do” Jesper responded as he calmed himself down.
Before Kaz could speak, Jesper continued, “you’re in love with her. That’s why you sent her away”.
Kaz shifted his jaw, rubbing his upper teeth over his bottom teeth as he debated about lying.
“It makes sense now. I knew there was something there. But saints you’re dumb Kaz. She can protect herself!” Jesper scoffed.
“She shouldn’t have to!” Kaz shouted, his hand hitting the table before them.
He didn’t need to hear this; not from Jesper.
He’d already debated on whether or not he made the wrong choice.
But in the end, each time, he concluded her safety was worth it.
Worth everything.
Even if it meant Kaz not being in her life anymore.
“It’s the barrel Kaz! She has to on a normal basis regardless” Jesper argued.
“Not anymore” Kaz spoke simply.
“That’s what you meant by ‘she’s in a better place’. How no one picked up in that given your lack of belief in a higher power is beyond me” Jesper rambled.
Rolling his eyes, Kaz waved his hand in the air dismissively, “you got your answer. Now leave”.
“You don’t miss her?” Jesper asked softly, missing her himself.
Kaz closed his eyes, his hand tugging on his choppy hair.
“Of course you do” Jesper smirked, “I mean, saints, the Kaz Brekker is writing love letters!”.
Kaz snapped his eyes open and glared harshly across the table, “they are not love letters”.
“If you say so” Jesper teased, “regardless, we can fix this”.
Kaz’s gruff exterior faltered as hope hit him but as he looked at the returned letters on his desk, he shook his head.
They’d all been marked ‘return to sender’ without ever having been opened.
The only times Kaz would get a response to a letter he wrote was when he would write to his Ravkan confidant asking how y/n was and if she was safe and healthy.
But nothing from her, she didn’t even bother opening the letters from him.
His confidant claimed he’d attempted to provide her with the letters but that she refused and ordered them to be sent back.
The small glimmer of hope in Kaz wanted to deny that idea, and instead blame it on the notion that maybe there was something between his confidant and y/n by now.
After all, he could provide her with a far better, and safer, life; hence why she was there now.
But, his confidant’s explicit wording that she’d ordered him to return them was a clear message to Kaz it wasn’t that.
Only y/n would order the King of Ravka to do anything, much less something this menial.
And only if she were truly pissed.
“Stop writing to her” Jesper’s voice cut through the tangled thoughts in Kaz’s brain.
“What?” He asked, not having taken the moment to make his voice as firm as normal.
“She’s not reading them. The threat is over, let’s go there in person to bring her back” Jesper suggested.
“She does not want to come back Jesper. You need to accept it, I have” Kaz stated harshly.
“You have not” Jesper scoffed, “and you cannot know what she wants without talking to her”.
“I’ve tried!” Kaz defended loudly.
Jesper sighed, “I know. But it’s time you try a new tactic. The Kaz Brekker I know wouldn’t let the failure of one plan be the end of the mission”.
“What mission Jesper?” Kaz groaned.
“Fixing your relationship” Jesper smirked, “and bringing our girl back here”.
Shaking his head, Kaz sighed, “I forced her to do something she didn’t want once; for her own protection, but still. I won’t do it again, she deserves better than that”.
Jesper nodded, “then don’t force her. But show up. Show her how you feel, I can practically guarantee she’ll be coming back with us after that”.
Kaz sighed; his mind and heart at war.
He wanted to do as Jesper said, not ready to give her up.
Yet, he knew it was weak of him to want such things, and that it could end in his further despair.
“I’ll skip gambling for a week when we get back if you go” Jesper offered, knowing kaz well enough to know he’d need a logical justification to go.
“Fine, go pack” Kaz agreed gruffly.
Smiling widely, Jesper stood, “no need, got my babies right here”.
Kaz rolled his eyes but nodded, shoving the letters into the locked drawer on his desk as he stood.
“Now, let’s go bring your girl home” Jesper cheered, walking to the door of Kaz’s office with new found enthusiasm.
Y/n snuck behind one of King Nikolai’s guards that was standing in the hallway, silently slipping into the ballroom behind them.
Her end goal was the library, hoping to get her hands on some new reading material.
Nikolai tried to keep her entertained but since she was here out of an obligation to Kaz and not an actual member of his court, there was only so much he could include her in.
So, reading had become her escape.
She’d read countless novels from within the castle’s archives by now.
She even went as far as reading books on the history of Ravka and surrounding territories; despite the material being utterly uninteresting to her.
The one thing she vowed never to read though were the letters Nikolai claimed were from Kaz.
Y/n had learned the King’s tells by now so she knew he wasn’t lying when he told her who they were from.
Yet she struggled with the notion that Kaz Brekker, the notorious bastard of the barrel, had written letters to her.
Not that it mattered.
As much as the notion intrigued her, she refused to let herself cave into reading even a single line from one.
She’d never even broken the seal on the letters before returning them to Nikolai.
At first the King seemed shocked, but by now they’d played this routine for months.
It no longer shocked Nikolai when she told him to return the letters without even glancing down at the envelopes.
What did shock Nikolai was why Kaz continued to write to her.
He understood Kaz’s concern and reasoning for using his owed favor on y/n.
He even understood why Kaz wrote to the king himself to check on her well-being.
Yet, he couldn’t fathom why the boy kept writing letters that would never be read, only to watch them return to him unopened.
He couldn’t imagine the hurt that most accompany such deliveries, let alone why he’d continue to subject himself to it.
Nevertheless, Nikolai would read the encoded letter Kaz sent him and pull the attached private letter to y/n from within that envelope.
Hiding the personal letter to y/n within a professional one to the Ravkan King was overkill, both men knew it; but Nikolai never commented and Kaz never faltered in his excessive protective measures.
Much like Kaz’s overkill with the letters, y/n was overdoing her actions in the palace; but for very different reasons.
She didn’t truly need to sneak around the palace.
Nikolai was far more than welcoming and let her do as she wished, so long as she didn’t exit the castle without one of his guards with her.
She assumed it was a measure to ensure she didn’t try to flee from the walls of his property, ensuring the King didn’t break his deal with kaz.
However, it was actually a requirement within Kaz’s detailed instructions to the King to ensure her safety.
Yet, after needlessly sneaking past the guards in the hallway, she got into position to repeat the action behind those in the ballroom as well.
It was the only real thing that made her feel more connected to her past.
To the barrel and her life there.
To Ketterdamn and the constant fight to survive.
To Inej, Nina, Jesper, Wylan, and Matthias; the friends she dearly missed.
And, as much as she despised the feeling and the pull of her still being connected to him, to Kaz.
It was still second nature for her to evade guards and stadwatch, so despite not having been home in months, her feet didn’t hesitate or misstep as she glided soundlessly past the guards.
Smiling to herself as she stood in front of the large library doors which were closed behind her, y/N’s eager eyes scanned the vast shelves and colorful book edges.
Deciding on what subject she’d try to read about today, the girl rushed towards the necessary part of the library to begin her search.
Meanwhile, King Nikolai was in his Royal office when one of his personal guards announced he had unexpected visitors.
Upon learning the identity of said guests, he permitted his guards to let them enter before asking for privacy.
Kaz stood before him, as rigid as always, but his in person presence signaled to Nikolai that something was off.
His sharpshooter -Jesper, Nikolai recalled- was roaming the room, his eyes shining as his hands touched anything within reach.
Noticing the cause for Nikolai’s distracted state, Kaz smacked his cane loudly on the floor.
Jesper’s hands immediately fell to his sides as he tucked his lips in and joined Kaz’s side.
“To what do I owe for your presence?” Nikolai asked, leaning bank in his chair slightly.
“Y/n” Kaz stated without hesitation, but his voice didn’t contain as much strength as it normally did.
“She’s safe, I just responded in kind to your most recent letter on the topic” the King assured him.
“Can we see her?” Jesper interrupted since unlike Kaz, he was not bothering to hide his desperation.
Nikolai raised an eyebrow, turning his head to Kaz, “I was under the impression your presence would bring her harm “
Kaz’s already dark eyes narrowed as he glowered at his Ravkan confidant, “if that were still the case, I would not be anywhere near here”.
His words were simple but the tone and finality behind it were sharp.
Nikolai steepled his hands with a nod, “The threat has been taken care of then?”.
Jesper could sense Kaz’s anger grow and one look at his boss told him Kaz didn’t appreciate the continued insinuation that he’d risk y/n’s safety.
“You seem to have forgotten that I am the one who sent her here for her protection. I do not need your opinion on the matter. Of course it’s been taken care of” Kaz started harshly, his judging eyes analyzing the King.
Nikolai smirked, “I admit, I did not forget such details and that all may well be true. What I’m confused on rather is why now “.
Kaz felt the leather of his glove stretch as he squeezed the top of his cane.
“The threat is over” Jesper said, but his confusion made it sound more like a question.
The Ravkan nodded, “ahh yes, but the threat has been over for several weeks now. So I ask again, what’s changed?”
Kaz took an aggressive step forward, eyes firmly focused on the king’s, “Where is she?”
“These were your rules Brekker “ The King smirked, pleased to finally be able to irritate Kaz with his unnecessary persistence, the way Kaz had to Nikolai these past months.
A stinging sigh left Kaz’s tight lips, “I’m here to bring her home”.
Jesper grinned proudly at his friend, completely ignoring the rest of the situation.
Seeing how the slightly troubled look in Kaz’s eyes juxtaposed with his otherwise determined demeanor, Nikolai relented.
“Since the threat has been resolved, should she wish to leave, the terms have been met and we’re even” the king stated.
“What do you mean should she want to leave?” Jesper questioned.
“Part of the terms your boss composed were that upon the conclusion of the threat, that no one, not even himself, would be allowed to force her to leave or go anywhere as doing so no longer would be required for her safety” Nikolai explained.
Jesper snapped his head to kaz who nodded stiffly.
“I will not force her to do anything” kaz stated.
“But she needs to come home. You want her to -“ Jesper sighed.
“I will not force her to do anything” kaz repeated sharply, “what I want does not matter”.
“So if she doesn’t want to go, then what?” Jesper asked Nikolai.
“Then she’s permitted to continue her stay should that be her desire” the king said.
“Saints your highness, what could Kaz ever have done to make you in his debt so much so that you’d take on this responsibility and even let her stay after the deal was done?” Jesper gasped.
Kaz shifted his jaw, “Nothing. That was not part of the deal”.
The King only nodded silently.
“You’ve grown fond of her” Kaz rasped, his chest sinking .
Nikolai rolled his eyes, “I’m not certain I know what you’re referring to. But I certainly know I’d not have sent her away “.
Jesper stepped between the two men, his hands on his revolvers, not waiting to see Kaz’s reaction.
“Have you told her?” Kaz questioned, surprising both Jesper and Nikolai.
“That I wouldn’t have been willing to let her go? Yes. Per the terms of the agreement , I didn’t tell her the reason you did” He answered.
“Where is she?” Kaz asked, trying to ignore the doubt that returned at Nikolai words.
Kaz had long thought about the unintended outcomes of his decision, but he still rather she be alive and with Nikolai than be harmed or dead for choosing him.
“At this time of day, usually the library. Second floor to the right” Nikolai answered easily.
Kaz felt nauseated that someone knew her routine so well.
Sure it was necessary to keep her safe, as he’d ordered the King to do.
But it still felt wrong that someone other than himself knew her whereabouts and routine so intimately.
Ungracefully turning around due to his bad leg, kaz stepped out into the hall, Jesper right behind him.
“Let them wander as they please” nikolai ordered his guards before closing his office door behind them.
“Really regretting your decision now huh?” Jesper murmured.
Kaz shot him a look before recounting the directions to the library.
Upon seeing her for the first time in months, Kaz found his legs failing to move closer.
Instead, he began staring at her, his hungry eyes absorbing every detail of her he could.
It was as if his mind had already determined she’d choose to stay; choose Nikolai.
Not that he could fault her for such.
Yet it didn’t stop the pain in his chest when the thought would float in.
Still, he let his eyes trace her skin, searching for every detail he knew by heart.
The small scar above her left eyelid just below her eyebrow that she’d gotten as a small child.
The triangle shaped mark on the skin of her right elbow from a slip during a heist.
The freckle on the back of her hand that was barely visible with her current posture.
He wasn’t even sure he was close enough to see any of these details, having stopped a safe distance away.
Yet, he knew they were there and he could see them in his mind.
Whether these details were an image in his mind from a time before this when he’d been close enough to truly see them or him somehow being able to see them from so far away now, it didn’t matter.
She was here, he was in the same room as her, for the first time in months.
He’d worked on his touch version with her over the last 7 years and now he wanted nothing more than to run to her and pull her in for a short but firm hug.
But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t let himself do that.
Him even being here, especially after ignoring his letters, was already a big vulnerable step for him.
So instead, he merely gazed at her, resisting his urge to slip the hair tie from her head off until her long hair cascaded down her neck and onto her back.
He has always found her presence mesmerizing, but her hair for some reason brought him comfort.
It was as if seeing the light from the sun or moon hitting her gorgeous and loosely hung hair reminded him she was safe and relaxed.
Early on, Kaz caught on to her ceaselessly tying her hair up during heists or around the streets of the barrel; the habit making her both look more fierce and less approachable to the disgusting men crowding the already narrow streets and alleys.
Kaz knew it also allowed her to move easier, not needing to brush hair from her face when running or turning sharply.
He’d grown to become appreciative of her hair being up; not that it was hard since he admired everything about her.
He knew the act kept her at least slightly safer regardless of where she was or who was near.
However, it was perhaps for that same reason why he cherished when she’d let her hair down.
It wasn’t often she would do it and a small part of him felt prideful when she’d do it in his presence.
It only grew when Nina joked with Kaz about it, telling him how it signaled she was comfortable around him.
While he’d pushed the idea off initially as mocking from Nina, he soon found the truth in it.
He’d noticed that her other tells of her being tense or otherwise dealing with some emotional distress would line up with her either putting her hair back up or keeping it up.
Whereas when she’d feel reassured or calm, she’d lower it.
The key point though being she had to feel safe to be willing to untie it.
It felt like a confession to Kaz when she began letting her hair down around him more.
He saw both styles as helpful indicators he could use to detect her emotions.
He’d worked tirelessly on improving his emotional intelligence and understanding but there were times he’d still struggle or worry he’d misread her state of being.
This simple display of her hair being up of down provided him with reassurance in what he right she was feeling and helped him feel more connected.
Nonetheless, while he appreciated the overall concept and the safety implications that came with it being up; he couldn’t help but always want it down.
He always wanted her to feel (and be) safe, especially if he was around.
But he knew it was also more simple than that.
The Bastard of the Barrel simply loved her hair being down and the way it shaped her face, only heightening her natural beauty.
Jesper let Kaz simmer for a moment before his excitement took over.
He ran to where she was seated at a dusty table in the middle of the room.
As she hastily looked up from her book, a previously hidden small dagger suddenly appeared at his throat.
Kaz found himself smirking at the action.
“J-Jes?” Y/n choked, eyes wide.
“Hi doll, or should I say princess?” Jesper teased, “mind lowering the blade?”.
Laughing nervously, she dropped her hand to her lap before letting go of the dagger and hugging him.
“I missed you” she whispered, but the echoing emptiness of the library made it louder.
Kaz forcefully bit down on the inner side of his lower lip as he noticed the pain in her voice; the pain he was responsible for.
Jesper quickly pulled her in for a tight hug, only opening his eyes briefly to stare pointedly at Kaz and mouth “Come on”.
Kaz stretched his neck as he tried to figure out how to start a conversation with her.
He was never great at communication, but he’d never found it this difficult.
Normally if he couldn’t think of a reason to justify talking to her, he’d be able to come up with some small request for her to help prepare for the next heist.
But he hadn’t planned a heist in awhile, nor did the way he handled the situation leave that as a viable option anymore.
Jesper pulled back, hands still holding the outside of y/n’s biceps as he smiled at her, “we’ve missed you too doll”
“We?” Y/n asked.
Jesper refrained from looking at Kaz so he wouldn’t give away his presence until the man was ready to face her.
“Yes, me and Kaz” Jesper smiled, squeezing her left arm.
Y/n froze before letting out a scoff and humorless laugh, “mmm right. Well it’s good to see you, Jes.”
Jesper sighed, quickly glancing secretly to Kaz as she rolled her eyes, “It’s good to see you too, it’s boring at the slat without you”.
Kaz saw his chance and began to walk closer, starting at a slow enough pace and pressing his cane down soft enough to not make much sound.
Whatever noise he might’ve been making was covered by Jesper’s conversation.
“The slat? Please, I’m fairly certain I’ve read nearly every book in here” y/n laughed sadly.
Eyes wide, Jesper gasped dramatically, “There’s far too many you liar!”
Y/n laughed with a small smile, “I’m a fast reader and I’ve had months Jes. Besides, what else am I supposed to do?”
“Was it really that boring or did you just miss me that much?” Jesper winked, sitting next to her.
Y/n shoved him softly before laying her head down on his shoulder when his body returned to its original position.
“I did miss you Jes. And the others” She admits, “but let’s just say, the most thrilling thing I’ve done in months has been sneaking behind Nikolai’s guards”
Jesper laughed loudly as Kaz froze in shock and frustration.
She was not supposed to be being restricted but the guards were also supposed to be alert enough if someone tried to attack.
It wasn’t surprising to Kaz that someone as skilled as y/n was could slip by even the kings guards, but he still hoped for her own safety it would not be possible.
He took a few steadying breaths as he stared at her, reminding himself that even if the guards hadn’t been up to his standards, she was alive and safe, the threat now over.
“Only you would do that! Where were you going?” Jesper asked, intrigued.
Shrugging she blushed slightly at how boring her target would sound, “here, sometimes the kitchen, a few times to the gardens until Nikolai looked out his window and caught me. Doesn’t matter where, just had to do something “.
Jesper nods in understanding, “what happened when the King caught you?”
Y/n hummed calmly, “He just joined me, usually issuing some comment about how guards needed more training”.
“Making improvements and keeping things interesting wherever you go I see” Jesper winked, rubbing her arm.
“Mmm, clearly” She grumbled under her breath, but with the emptiness in the room, both guys heard it.
“Hey, cheer up! I’m here to take you back!” Jesper assured her.
Lifting her head off his folder to look at him, she sighed, “Jes, no”.
Kaz who was merely a few feet from her now, froze upon hearing her comment and it felt as if she was thousands of miles away again; out of reach, too far gone.
Pouting, Jesper turned to her more, “Why not?”
Y/n gave him a sympathetic sigh, “I’m not going back. I’m not wanted nor needed”.
Kaz swore he could physically feel the distance between them growing.
“That’s not true! Why would you think that? We’re here after all!” Jesper whined.
“I know you’re here Jes, and I appreciate that. But you’re waisting your time” she sighed.
“But-“ Jesper argued as Kaz mentally tried to push past the metaphorical barriers he’d put between them.
Y/n sniffled once, “you know, you’re the first one to come see me?”.
Jesper frowned, “well, to be fair… they think you’re… dead”.
Y/n’s body halted for a half a second before she laughed sarcastically, “Saints, I should’ve known. I figured that…K-… that it was that or some lie tarnishing my name”
Jesper but his lip, suddenly at a loss for words.
“I suppose that makes me feel better about no one trying to contact me” she said as a thank you to Jesper for his attempt at comforting her.
“But nonetheless, Jesper, I’m staying” y/n added.
“Why? I mean, saints I know it’s a castle, and you’re basically a princess now, b-“ Jesper rambled as Kaz shut his eyes.
“I’m not a princess!” She argued with a glare, “I’m still me, Jesper”.
“Then why won’t you come back?” He asked, frowning.
“I can’t. I’m not here because I chose to be, Jes” she pointed out, Kaz opening his eyes in time to see the shame wash over her features.
“I’m supposedly here because I messed up” she sighed, “but in reality, I’m here because I am no longer wanted as I no longer serve a purpose or need”
Kaz closed the distance between them loudly as his cane aggressively hit the floor as he walked, “that is not true”.
Y/n stiffened momentarily before balling her fists up at her sides and narrowing her eyes at him as she turned to see him, “what the hell are you doing here?”.
Kaz swallowed the resistance building in him, walking around to stand before her ,“I’ve got some things to say to you.”
She chuckled mockingly, “that’s wonderful for you. As far as I am concerned you said enough, months ago”.
“I didn’t say half the things I wanted to.” He admitted, the words barely slipping out of his lips.
She shook her head, “you don’t get to say that. Not when you sent me away. You discarded me, when I no longer mattered to you”.
Kaz returned the head shake, “that is the most ignorant thing you’ve ever said”.
Jesper gasped softly and opened his mouth to try to stop the fight but they didn’t notice.
Rolling her eyes, y/n huffed, “Hello Mr. Casually Cruel. So you came here to drag me down lower than you did that night? Good luck with that Brekker.”
Running a gloved hand through his messy hair, Kaz groaned, “that is not why I am here”.
“Right, you’re here because you didn’t say everything that night. Well, I think you’ve said plenty just now. So feel free to leave now ” she laughed breathlessly.
Kaz sighed, his hand rubbing against his face as he lowered it slowly.
“I understand your mad, but you need to listen-“ Kaz began.
Standing up, and stepping back from the table, she groaned, “you don’t get to tell me what to do. Not anymore. You gave that up when you broke up with me over one mistake and kicked me out”.
Kaz sighed, a throbbing pain radiating from his temple.
“Wait, what?” Jesper blurted.
Kaz ignored him, eyes still holding onto y/n’s presence, “I never ordered you around as… your…”
Y/n watched him with an eyebrow raised, curious if he’d call himself her (now ex) boyfriend out loud or not.
It was common knowledge, but Kaz was never one to use formal terms for things when it came to relationships or even friendships.
Clearing his throat, he spoke with more certainty this time, “I may have issued orders for heists, but I never ordered you around as your boyfriend. I-“
Y/n nodded twice with a faint hum, “That’s true. You only did so as my ex boyfriend. My mistake “.
Kaz visibly tensed as she called him her ex, but no one mentioned it.
“Y/n, I-“ Kaz tried, his voice harsh as he tried to hide his fear.
“Why are you here?” She asked exasperatedly, leaning her palms on the table between them, “I expect a real answer Kaz. No indirect or vague answers, no lies, no misdirections, nothing of that nature or I’m walking out of this room”.
“I was not lying about my reason for being here. I need you to-…” He took a deep breath, his voice softening faintly until it was at a slightly less harsh tone “I need to talk to you”.
Y/n pondered his comment, Kaz waiting in silence as she analyzed him as if she were his personal lie detector.
And if he was honest, Kaz swore she basically was.
The only night she’d missed his tells was the night he sent her away.
He knew the intensity of the situation, his indirect explanations/excuses, and his refusal to answer questions he knew he’d have to blatantly lie about, all prevented her from seeing clearly that night.
He felt bad about it, knowing she already had trust issues with most people; hence why even when it was got her safety he couldn’t get himself to outright lie.
So he’d pinned it on something else that he was mad about, although minorly in constant to the real reason, and avoided any questions that would make him lie.
Her waving her hand slightly dismissively between them in a silent signal to continue brought Kaz out of his flashback.
“You did not stop serving a purpose nor did you stop being wanted” he told her.
She could tell he was trying but after what he’d put her through, she couldn’t let herself be too easy on him.
“Jesper already mentioned that” y/n stated, “But I was talking ab-“.
“About me “ Kaz interrupted , “about us. Or.. well… past us… no, that’s not… I suppose us still describes it”.
Y/N’s defensiveness decreased slightly out of shock over his uncharacteristic rambling.
He sighed, his hand in his hair again, “I .. I mean, I don’t know what I am to you… anymore…, …. Or well, even what you think of me. But… I do. I.. know what I think of you”.
Crossing her arms loosely over her chest, eyes staring into his frightened ones, she pressed for more clarity “What are you trying to say Brekker?”
Kaz took a hesitant step closer, “I didn’t send you away because of the reasons you think. You never stopped serving a purpose, obviously not to the crows or dregs. But not to me either”.
Sighing, his gaze shamefully fell to his scuffed boots, “I know I’m shit at this. But I’m trying to say… that, you… that you are wanted. By me.”
Despite the fluttering in her chest, y/n squinted hesitantly at him, “You’re the person who told me the reasons you sent me away, Kaz. You told me you ended it and discarded me because I failed your orders. Now I’m wanted? For what? Some heist you somehow believe I won’t be able to mess up?”
Shaking his head vehemently, Kaz took a sure step forward, “I told you my actions were due to safety concerns. I didn’t say-“
“You didn’t say it was because of the heist, you just let me believe that was the case “ She concluded, replaying the exact conversation from that night.
Kaz nodded in approval of her conclusion, “I don’t want you for a heist, I… I want you …For you. I never stopped …wanting you. But, the dime lions-“
Catching on, she cuts him off with a sharp tone, “they’re coming for you. Aren’t they?”
Kaz nods once, “they were, yes. They would have used you to hurt me”.
“That’s why you pushed me away, why you had me taken from my home and forced to live here” She snapped.
Kaz’s defensive nature took over at her remark, “You could sound a bit more grateful, you live in a castle with a King , many people dream of that kind of life”
Scoffing, she rolls her eyes, “against my wishes. And ghenzen! You know I don’t want that kind of life “
Kaz sighs “it is better than what I can offer”
“I didn’t ask anything from you!” She argued.
When he spoke, his voice was so soft and quiet the tone alone shocked everyone in the room., “I didn’t know if I could protect you any longer. “
“I didn’t need you to! I can protect myself, Kaz! I’m not in need of someone else to do that” she defended.
“Even if I believed they were real, your saints would not have been enough “ he declared firmly.
“My saints keep me sane. I don’t rely on them to keep me safe on a daily basis. I’m capable of that on my own, you should know that! You..- you helped make that happen” she pointed out.
Kaz felt the left side of his lips curl a tiny amount out of pride but he still held his ground, “If you stayed, you’d never be safe, not while there was a reward for your capture! I couldn’t have something happen to you. The castle is safer-”
“Shut up Kaz! Saints, we’re going in circles here. You threw away our history like it meant nothing. Why?!”
Staring at his feet he was honest and direct this time, “when you love something, you protect it. No matter how much it hurts”
She faltered as tears formed in her eyes, but the pain of the last few months hadn’t left, “You lied to me and you’ve got it worked out in your head that you did me a favor”
He nodded, jaw tight “you’re still mad. Be mad, Ghezen, be mad for the rest of our lives! But, I’d like you to be mad by my side. I did what I had to do. I won’t apologize for keeping you sa-”
“You can’t just explain it all away with, ‘I did what I had to do.’ Fuck you Brekker. You have no idea what these past few months have been like” she said to shield herself from more pain and heartache.
“No idea?” Kaz scoffed with a glare, “if you’d have opened the letters I-“
“Why!? Why would I put myself through that?” She shouted.
“You did this Kaz. You sent me away and you don’t understand why I wouldn’t want to read what you wrote after that?!” She groans.
The tears in y/N’s eyes made Kaz’s guilt drive him into complete silence as a means to hide his intense emotions.
“You know what the whirlwind of questions in my mind kept going back to?! The same question that was always there in the end?! If I opened your damn letters, I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from asking …How’s your heart after breaking mine?” She whimpered.
“And ghezen knows I wouldn’t want to hear that answer; that you were perfectly fine” she stated hoarsely.
She shook her head and turned to leave the room.
“You must really think that I’m stupid.’ He said roughly.
“What?” She questioned, pausing.
“I’d have to be the most idiotic person to be so ignorant as to not know what your absence meant. That I was the reason. You think I was stupid enough to risk …everything for something that was clearly not needed” he argued, following after her.
“That’s what you think, right?” He pressed when she didn’t respond.
“That I am an idiot for doing this, that it is stupid to believe you would have been safer here” he added.
Turning back to him with tears, “you’re not stupid, Kaz. That’s why it hurts. You knew what you were doing. You’re smart enough to know I am able to defend myself, yet you knowingly ignored that and did as you pleased”.
Kaz’s voice trembled only slightly but the waves of emotion in his eyes spoke volumes as he moved closer to her, "everyone I've… Everyone I’ve loved has gotten hurt in Ketterdam. I was not going to let that happen to you”.
Jesper stood silently, wide eyed as he stared at the two, his mind spinning.
Guilt causes her to step closer, eyes flickering downwards and then they rise softer as she looks at him, “why couldn’t you just say that? You owed me that. Months ago, Kaz”
“I warned you communication is not my strong suit y/n” Kaz deflected.
She shook her head as she stared at the ground in disappointment.
“And… Goodbyes are much harder” he added quietly.
Y/n huffed, the pain in her chest burning again “Goodbye would’ve been harder?! On who? Because, you let me believe that…”
She pushes a soft breathy scoff “that I didn’t matter anymore. That you… Saints sake, Kaz. I know you never officially told me you loved me, but ghezen knows I believed you did”.
Kaz parts his lips, taking a shaky step closer with a sorrowful stare, “y/n, I-“
Shakes her head, “if you’re going to try and say it now, or say it indirectly again right now, don’t. Please, just don’t”.
Kaz clenched jaw and nodded stiffly.
Seeing the hurt and confusion simmering in his eyes, she sighed, “y-…y-you watched me go. You don’t get to just come back here and take that all back and act like nothing happened”.
Kaz hung his head slightly, “just tell me one thing, I have to know”.
She nodded slowly and waited for his question.
“While… while you were here, were you safe? Because it matters to me that you’re not hurt.” He states.
She sighed in frustration but Kaz curtly interrupted, “I don’t ask as a way to assert my point behind my actions. Only because Nikolai and I may have different perspectives on such”.
Between the sincerity in his voice and the way his eyes analyzed every inch of her, she knew he wasn’t lying; he was still worried that despite her presence before him, she was somehow threatened or harmed by the rival gang.
Frowning with a soft sigh, she mumbles, “no, I’m fine”.
Kaz grinds his teeth and tightens his grip on his cane, “you’re lying to me”.
“Kaz-“ Jesper whispers in warning.
Pursing her lips and shaking her head as she lifts her gaze to stare back at Kaz, she rebuts, “you really don’t see the irony and hypocrisy here”.
“Yes, I’m lying. Because you’re right about you and Nikolai having different opinions on what that question entails. You and I also have different opinions on it. All you care about is whether or not anyone physically harmed me” she states harshly.
“Which is a no. So congrats, Kaz, you and Nikolai did a fantastic job of that!” She sarcastically compliments.
“But as far as if I’m hurt? Or was hurt?” She laughs breathily, “yes. Not physically, but by you. While you may not let yourself feel anything, other people do Kaz. The pain you caused, not even King Nikolai could have prevented”.
Kaz swallowed thickly, “I did not want you to be hurt y/n, you must know that”.
“You didn’t want me to be hurt? Really? See this is my point!” She huffed, “if you actually did not expect this to hurt, then you didn’t care about me… about us… at all”.
His eyes closed and voice strained, he shook his head slowly, “that is not the case”.
Sniffling before composing herself, she straightens her back as she looked him over, “I’m just supposed to trust that?”
He shook his head again, eyes slowly opening to see her, “that’s why I wrote… “
It was now y/N’s turn to close her eyes to keep from crying, “I… I told you why I couldn’t open them”.
“I know” he admits, “I don’t blame you. But regardless of if you choose to come back, I have to know…When you were gone, did you ever think of me?”
Biting hard on her bottom lip she nods firmly, “you know I did. I couldn’t stop. That’s the problem “
Nodding he purses his lips, “now you understand my situation “.
She sighs loudly, looking between him and Jesper with her pain displayed clearly on her facial features.
“You two can figure this out” Jesper encouraged, “this is far more talking than I expected already”.
When neither one laughs at his attempt to break the tension he sighs.
“Y/n, will you come back?” Jesper asks hesitantly.
Kaz flinches as he watches her bottom lip tremble and chest dip inwards towards herself, shoulders curling forward as her eyes stare blankly into the void between them.
He knows he should be the one to ask her to return, to beg her, plead with her, and promise to make up for his mistakes.
But he can’t.
Part of it is his ego; he knows that.
But if he’s being unusually honest with himself, he knows he’s terrified of her answer.
And for her to say no to Jesper is one thing, to Kaz himself, he’s not certain he’d handle it well.
Y/n takes a shaky breath and stares over at Kaz, her eyes scanning his for some sign of the right choice.
Kaz reluctantly meets her gaze, his uncertainty clear in his eyes.
“I… I need some time, need some space, to think about all of this” she stated with forced elegance.
Ignoring the fact that her tone was likely a lesson from Nikolai, Kaz nodded, “I understand. The offer does not expire”.
“What offer, Kaz?” She asked as he neared the exit, needing to hear him say it.
Turning around to face her, he gave her a small curl of his lips, understanding why she pushed it despite Jesper having just asked her to return.
“I am offering for you to return to the sl- return home” he began, steeling himself confidently once he saw the surprised but pleased stare she responded with.
“With no strings attached. You may once again do as you please… with whom, you please. Wherever you please… the offer is that should you chose to return with us, now, or when you’re ready, you will find a place to stay” he told her.
She listened carefully to each word, her eyes frozen on his face.
“A place you were always wanted” Kaz mumbled softly, uncomfortable with the declaration albeit true.
She gives him a weak smile “thank you”.
He nods slowly, his eyes catching the troubled look in hers, “you mustn’t decide now. Take your time to think this over”.
“Saints know Kaz did” Jesper joked, causing Kaz to glare over at him as y/n choked bac a laugh.
Still, the faint laugh made Kaz’s glare disappear as he turned back to her and gave her a small nod.
“Kaz?” She asked as he opened the library door.
He turned to her patiently awaiting her question.
“May I ask one more question?” She whispered shyly.
Kaz frowned at her even asking permission but nodded, “you know you can”.
Biting her lip, she looked into his dark but patient eyes, “why didn’t you force Nikolai to have me read the letters?”.
Resting his hand loosely on the doorknob, he sighed, “It was not my right to do so. I already violated your free will by forcing you to go with him, I was not going to be cruel enough to do it again”.
“Yet, you still wrote?” She whispered.
He nodded once, “I needed you to know that I… well…”
Y/n nodded, “I understand”.
Kaz gave her a thankful small smile for not making him scramble for a way to describe his feelings especially in front of Jesper.
“Thank you… for…, not requiring Nik to make me read them when I wasn’t ready” she smiled faintly.
Jesper smirked silently as he watched his best friends.
Kaz furrowed his eyebrows slightly and nodded, “you do not need to thank me for that. Besides, even if I was selfish enough to insist, I have a feeling that… Nik… would have refused”.
Raising her eyebrows y/n stared at him in honest confusion.
Kaz chuckled once softly at her expression, “he’s interested in you y/n”.
Squinting, she pokes her tongue against her cheek, “I thought you said he got nothing in return for complying with you sending me here, that you w-“
Kaz shook his head rapidly, “stop. Nothing like that. I didn’t, I wouldn’t, ever do that. He accepted out of necessity to fulfill a favor he owed me, I’m certain you’ve put together by now how I obtained the ability to ask such a favor?”
Y/n nodded, having learned of the Nikolai and Sturmhond connection by now.
Kaz smirked, “mmm, figured you would”
Staring intently into her eyes, he added “He merely accepted to repay the debt. I, in no way, implied any further benefit to him accepting. I did not require anything more from him than your protection.”
Despite it being clear y/n trusted him, Kaz continued, “I assure you that if I feared, for even a second, his intentions weren’t appropriate or he’d cause you any discomfort; I would not have sent you on the ship that night”.
She nodded slowly as she took in his words.
“Nonetheless, it seems… his emotions maybe have… changed in this whole ordeal” he clarified.
Y/N’s lips parted as she silently processed this information.
“I will not ask you to choose. As I stated earlier, should you decide to return, you of course may do so in whatever manner you chose, with or without whoever you’d like” Kaz stated.
She was clearly deep in thought; both over Kaz’s numerous declarations and arguments, as well as the Nikolai revelation.
Once she gave him a polite smile as a small nod, Kaz made a gesture to Jesper.
Jesper caught on, squeezing y/n’s arm sympathetically as he exited the room.
Taking a painfully deep breath, Kaz gave her one final look before stepping into the hall.
He was not sure how long it would take her to process their conversation, let alone decide how to proceed with both aspects.
Nor did he know what that would entail.
But, he’d stick to his word.
Bastard of the Barrel, Kaz Brekker, would cave to whatever she chose; even if it wasn’t Ketterdam, and/or wasn’t him.
He’d find a way to do his part and accept her decision.
Kaz now owed it to y/n to make sure she wasn’t just safe, but happy; even if it meant he wasn’t.
Part 2 Here
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writing prompt: “I mean, what did you expect?” “Nothing. And I was still disappointed.” for character of choice
Disappointed : Prompt Preference
Description: (individual word counts by character/fic below) “I mean, what did you expect?” “Nothing. And I was still disappointed.” Prompt, angst.
Warnings: angst, heartbreak, break ups, fights/arguments, disappointment, no fluffy endings
Order:
Kaz Brekker x Reader: 479 wc
Peter Parker x Reader: 913 wc
Jesper Fahey x Reader 1,149 wc
Disappointed: Kaz Brekker
“Kaz, seriously?” Y/n groaned, staring across the table at him.
His eyes infinitesimally glanced up at her with no emotion showing in them.
She shook her head and huffed loudly as he quickly looked back at the papers on his desk.
“Brekker” she scolded, glaring at the top of his head.
“I’m busy y/n” he responded firmly, grip tight on his writing device.
She rolled her eyes as she rhetorically asked “when aren’t you?”.
Kaz’s jaw twitched as he briefly closed his eyes, “is there something you want to say?”
“Of course there is that’s the whole point we’re fighting” y/n snapped.
“We’re fighting, are we?” He retorted with a nonchalant tone.
“You’re unbelievable” y/n scoffed, digging her fingernails into her palm.
“I don’t have time for this” Kaz stated in annoyance.
“You never do Kaz” she said softly, before she raised her voice and firmly added “clearly”.
Kaz ignored the voice in his head telling him to stop pushing away the one person who cared for him and put up with him.
That voice wasn’t Kaz Brekker, it was Kaz Rietveld.
And Kaz Rietveld was dead.
Kaz Brekker couldn’t let that naive boy come back and take over.
Not when he was so close to taking down his next target.
Besides, there was one thing Kaz Rietveld and Kaz Brekker could agree on.
And that was that y/n deserved better than what Kaz Brekker could offer her.
Maybe it was better this way.
It would be her choice to leave.
“You’re such an ass. It’s not like I was expecting much from you, and yet..!” She groaned when he stayed silent, “ugh. Saints!”.
Kaz let out a judgmental sigh, “I mean, what did you expect?”
She glared at him, “nothing. And I was still disappointed”.
Kaz rolled his eyes before staring back down at his scattered papers.
Y/n nodded to herself as she forced herself to choose to walk away.
To choose herself this time.
Kaz’s eyes lifted to her form as she turned to leave.
He slowly stood up, being sure to make as little noise as possible.
Not that it likely even mattered, he sensed he had pushed too hard this time.
While he knows he’d told himself he’d be fine with her leaving…
The rush of panic and pain in his heart proved otherwise.
She hadn’t even confirmed if the thing between them was truly over or if she just needed space.
And yet, he felt he couldn’t breathe.
Kaz limped to the door, pausing in the doorway as he watched y/n shake her head to herself as she continued walking away.
He took a deep breath hoping to destroy the sensation he felt before he turned back around to enter his office.
Perhaps she was hoping he’d follow her.
Perhaps Kaz Rietveld would.
Perhaps he, Kaz Brekker, should.
But, what was one more disappointment?
Disappointed: Peter Parker
Y/n pushed herself off the damp grass, stretching her limbs.
She futilely made herself look around the park one last time before she’d begin her journey home.
As her eyes scanned the area and unsurprisingly came up empty, she sighed.
She unlocked her phone and confirmed there were no texts from her boyfriend, who had stood her up yet again.
Y/n angrily locked the device and shoved it and her cold hands into the pockets of her sweater.
Normally she’d be wearing Peter’s hoodie, especially on a night like this as it was far more comfortable and warm.
It smelling like him was just an added bonus.
However, lately she stopped stealing his hoodie.
She no longer wanted to wear something of his as a means of comfort when he was the reason she needed comforting in the first place.
Y/n had lost track of how many times it had been lately that he’d refused to actually show up on their scheduled date night.
She was past being frustrated and was more disappointed and hurt than anything else.
The constant sounds of people, emergency services, taxis, and all the other New York notices flooded her ears as she walked through the night.
The irony of her situation is that Peter used to be concerned about her walking alone at night, so much so he’d scold her for it.
Yet, when he hadn’t shown for their date tonight, she had no choice.
She surely wasn’t going to call him.
She’d already had discussed his no shows with him and it hadn’t improved.
So instead, she kept her eyes alert despite the heaviness of them and watched her surroundings closely.
As she crossed the crosswalk just down the street from her apartment, her peripheral vision caught movement on her left.
Y/n clenched her fist and turned around sharply to face the person/object.
It took a moment for the lamppost nearby to light the street enough to see who was standing several feet from her.
Even then her eyes needed a second to adjust.
That’s when she unraveled her fist and turned around just as sharply as before.
“Y/n!” Peter, or Spider-Man to be precise since he was still in his suit, called out behind her.
She ignored him and silently continued her quest to reach the comfort of her warm home.
“Hey,” he chuckled, running to catch up, “what’s wrong?”.
Y/n couldn’t even muster the strength to look at him, instead holding her head high and staring straight ahead as she kept walking.
“Whhhaaat?” Peter wined, moving erratically by her side to get her attention.
He huffed, “fine don’t tell me, but what did we discuss about you walking alone at night? I know you’re strong but still, you might find yourself in a situation wh-“
She froze, letting him take a step ahead and spin to stand before her.
“The only reason I would have found myself in such a situation is because of you” she declared.
“What?” He asked with a head tilt.
“You were supposed to meet me at the park!” Y/n shouted.
“Oh yeah, no I know, but-“ he began
“You didn’t forget?” She asked in a much lower register.
Peter shook his head “course not, I just got tied up”
“Every night? It’s been weeks of this” she argued with a shake of her own head.
He could see the the sadness in her and he frowned.
“I.. well I can’t control when I get done, bu-“ he began.
“Tell me this. After you finished with whatever case or guy you were dealing with that made you late already for the date, did you take on another call or head out after that?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
Peter looked guilty as he shuffled his feet quietly.
She huffed in annoyance as she rolled her eyes at him.
“I’m a superhero, y/n! I mean, what did you expect?” Peter yelled but instantly regretted it.
With a look of disgust on her face, she took a deep breath.
Y/n stared into his eyes as she responded, “nothing. And I was still disappointed. I didn’t ask for anything from you other than to be there just once. I even let you chose the day and time and place... I prepare everything for it, I handle the surprise aspects. I didn’t expect anything. Not even tonight.”
“What do you mean?” He asked cluelessly, “you didn’t expect me to show up?”
“I have learned not to expect anything from you anymore, Peter. I don’t know who you are, but you’re not the boy I fell in love with. Not anymore. No, I didn’t even actually expect you to show tonight. And yet, hearing you say you didn’t forget but chose not to come and your careless excuses.., I was still let down in the end” she complained.
“Y/n, look, I can fix this” Peter pleaded, his heart racing.
“No you can’t, you keep saying that and nothing changes. That’s just it .., I stopped even expecting that to change. So I’m done. I expected nothing and I was still disappointed” she cut him off.
She turned around and resumed her walk home.
Peter scoffed, “Where are you going?”
He knew he had really messed up when she refused to even turn to him before responding.
Her last words swallowed him whole as she walked away from him...
“I’m done being disappointed and the only way to do that is to leave”.
Disappointed: Jesper Fahey
“Inej said you needed to speak to me” Kaz stated, looking up from his desk as y/n stood before him upon being summoned.
“Oh.. umm.. I..”y/n mumbled, uncertain if she should be telling Kaz.
She doubted he’d even care, much less offer advice or help.
But Inej seemed to disagree.
To be fair, y/n and Kaz were fairly close.
Much less than Inej and Kaz of course, but she was still closer than most people were to the Bastard of the Barrel.
“Was she mistaken?” Kaz questioned with an exasperated raise of his eyebrow.
“I doubt there’s anything you can do about it so..” y/n shrugged.
Kaz scoffed, pushing his mess of papers away from him as he leaned closer, “try me”.
“It’s getting even more out of hand” y/n whispered, not looking at Kaz.
He hummed in understanding, “predictably”.
“I know, Kaz” she sighed, throwing herself into the chair on the opposite of his desk, “but it’s not my job to fix him or this for him. I’ve tried to be there while he does the work himself, but now it’s impacting my finances as well”.
“Jesper does not always think before he acts. You chose to accept his marriage proposal. Ketterdam sees that as an agreement to accept the financial burden of the other person, y/n. You know that” Kaz pointed out bluntly.
Y/n merely nodded her head, staring at her lap.
“I mean, what did you expect?” Kaz shook his head, his own frustrations with Jesper rising.
“Nothing. And I was still disappointed” y/n said, “it’s his struggle and while I’ll be there for him, it’s not my place to reprimand him. But I’m disappointed and irritated because I can’t even afford to buy anything anymore”.
“He’s using your kruge?” Kaz questioned with a sharp tone.
“No, of course not” she defended her fiancé, “but..”
She took a deep breath, “last week I went to grab Nina a waffle from that one vendor by the docks? And, he refused to serve me unless I first paid him what Jesper owed him”.
“Owed? As in past tense? You paid him” the last part of Kaz’s response wasn’t a question; he knew.
She nodded, “I don’t want him in danger because he owes money to these people. Besides, Nina was really sad and needed a pick me up”.
Kaz rolled his eyes, “she’d survive without a waffle, y/n. Nonetheless, it’s paid now then, yes?”
She nodded again, “that person is. But, then a few days ago, I tried to go to the bookstore to grab a used paperback, and it happened again”.
Kaz groaned, gloved hand running down his face in anger.
“You are engaged now, I know you said you expected nothing, but clearly that’s not true” Kaz stated, trying to be helpful.
Y/n shook her head slowly, “I guess I wasn’t expecting anything to change though”.
Kaz nodded, taping his gloved fingers on his desk, “that’s understandable”.
She huffed and stared at the cracked ceiling, “what do I do?”.
“I don’t know” Kaz confessed, having tried to figure out the solution to jespers gambling addiction for years.
Her eyes snapped back down to look at him in shock; Kaz rarely lacked an answer or solution, and he certainly never admitted it when it would happen.
“Fantastic” she sighed.
“You can call off the engagement” Kaz stated and although even Kaz knew it was harsh, they both knew he was trying to address his lack of an answer with the only clear option.
She shook her head, “I still love him”.
“I did not say you didn’t” Kaz pointed out.
“It’s only been a few weeks, how are you going to handle years of this?” Kaz asked when she didn’t respond.
She took a deep saddened breath as she tried to shake her constant doubts from her mind.
Kaz sensed someone’s presence outside of his door; Jesper by the sound of his footsteps.
Kaz held his hand up to signal to y/n not to talk due to the new lack of privacy.
But y/n wasn’t looking at him and her mind wasn’t truly present anymore.
So, she sighed loudly as she admitted the words that physically hurt her to voice out loud.
“I don’t know that I can, Kaz. I love Jesper! But, this is too much. I don’t know if I can do years of this. I expected nothing. Yet I was, and am still, disappointed nearly daily” y/n said guilt stabbing at her for admitting this.
Kaz mumbled something just as his door swung open loudly.
“Y/n?” Jesper’s shocked voice called out as he stepped into the room.
Y/n widened her eyes as she glanced between Kaz and Jesper.
“Do what?” Her fiancé asked, his voice cracking as his fearful eyes searched her sorrowful ones for an explanation to what he’d overheard.
Y/n shook her head as tears filled her eyes.
“Y/n” Jesper choked, shakingly nearing her.
“I want to Jes, but it’s a lot and I can’t help but feel… disappointed” she whimpered.
As Jesper looked to Kaz for help, the anger and exasperation in his friend’s face and the knowing look he gave him told Jesper everything he needed to know.
Jesper sucked in a sharp breath of air as he shut his eyes in guilt and hung his head.
“In me?” Jesper asked softly.
“What?” Y/n asked barely above a whisper.
“You said you’re disappointed. In me?” He wondered as his eyes fluttered up towards hers.
She didn’t respond, but her reluctance and apologetic facial expressions answered for her.
Yes.
I don’t want to be but, yes.
Jesper let out a shaky breath as he pulled himself together.
He nodded once and left the room.
Y/n looked to Kaz who just shrugged and went back to the papers on his desk.
After she took a few minutes to collect her thoughts, y/n stood and left Kaz’s office.
“Inej” y/n called upon seeing the Suli girl at the end of the stairwell.
“Ah y/n, did Kaz offer anything?” She asked.
Y/n bit her lip and looked down at a loss for words.
“Have you seen Jesper?” Yn asked as she composed herself.
“He’s at the… tables” Inej sighed.
“Right now?” Y/n asked, the all too familiar pang in her chest starting again.
“Yes” her friend answered with a sympathetic sigh.
As y/n walked closer to the ledge until she could see the scene, she felt her heart break even more.
Once again, there Jesper was at the table gambling money he didn’t even have.
Once again, y/n felt herself grow more dissatisfied with her situation; their situation.
But this time she had to make a change.
The words from her interaction with Kaz earlier echoed in her head as she buttoned up her jacket and exited the building.
"Are you kidding? This is the perfect time to gamble."
for character of choice
To Gamble or Not To Gamble: Jesper Fahey x Reader
Description: 6.6k wc, Jesper and reader find themselves in a situation where they must decide how to proceed and Jesper suggests he puts his gambling skills to the test.
Warning: mention of injuries and some descriptions of that and blood, angst but happy ending, guilt and remorse, curse words, typical six of crows warnings, mentions of gambling and addiction.
“How are we supposed to sneak it off the table?” Y/n groaned, the side of her head resting against the brick wall in annoyance.
Kaz had sent her and Jesper to retrieve some antique chest that had saints-knows-what inside of it.
According to the intel Kaz had, it was supposed to be here, this dingy and cramped gambling den that is buried deep in the abandoned outskirts of the barrel.
The gambling den also operated as an auction house whenever their crew’s leader came into possession of something worthwhile; such as this allegedly valuable chest.
Kaz’s intel was right about the chest being present.
However, the chest was not up for sale during some auction.
Instead, it was being used by some gambler as payment for his night.
Y/n had frequented enough of these shabby gambling sites around Ketterdamn to know that it was rare for a gambling house to let someone pay in anything other than Kruge.
But anyone who looked at the chest, its shine nearly blinding despite its evident old age, knew it was likely worth a hefty price.
Not to mention, the house likely knew what was allegedly inside of it.
It would help if Jesper and y/n had been told of it’s contents, but Kaz once again elected not to share this crucial detail.
So, here they were leaning against the entrance to the smoky gambling hall trying to decide how to proceed.
A simple theft was one thing, but now that the gambling den’s customer had used the chest as payment for however many hands the house had agreed to, it was being closely monitored by countless guards and in full view of the remaining patrons.
“Relax love,” Jesper grinned, kissing her cheek, “I have an idea”.
“Care to share there, Jes?” Y/n teased, pulling her slumped frame off the bricks.
“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” he winked.
Y/n laughed and rolled her eyes, “Jesper, they aren’t going to let that chest leave here”.
“They won’t have a choice if we win it” Jesper said, with a shimmer in his pupils.
“How are we going to do that?” Y/n asked, scanning the room.
“Do you see how the chest is resting on the table to the right, along with that box of Nastoki?” Jesper asked, placing his arm over her shoulder.
As her eyes made contact with the overpriced alcoholic import in question, she nodded.
“That means it’s not just being used in exchange to fund a few hands for whatever mercher brought it here. Instead, it’s up for grabs, assuming one wins at least the total amount the house exchanged for it, plus usually twenty five percent profit.” He explained confidently.
“Okay, so, I somehow calculate the worth of the chest.. maybe by asking around without striking suspicion? Even if so, how do we get it? Claim we played a few hands and then offer the money from Kaz as our alleged earnings in exchange for whatever it’s worth?” She questioningly planned aloud.
“No darling, it’s much simpler than that; I play for it” Jesper winked, smirking over at his girlfriend before looking at the den ahead of them.
“Jesper, honey, Kaz doesn’t want you -“ y/n began, feeling iffy about the idea.
“I know, I know, but come on it’ll be fun!” Jesper pleaded, practically bouncing with excitement.
“Jesper, we cannot afford to gamble like this” she told him.
“Are you kidding? This is the perfect time to gamble” he joked, flashing the kruge from Kaz.
“Unless we lose, then we’ll be far worse off than if we just tell Kaz we couldn’t get it today” y/n pointed out.
She didn’t really fear Kaz herself, but she knew that regardless of the outcome, Kaz wouldn’t react well to Jesper’s idea and that Jesper would in turn, pout the rest of the day until Kaz moved on.
“We won’t lose” Jesper said confidently.
“How do you know that Jesper?” Y/n sighed.
She didn’t want to make him feel bad about this, but she also needed to keep him level headed.
“‘Cause I’ve got you. You’re good luck” Jesper grinned, kissing her cheek flirtatiously.
Rolling her eyes she whispered “come on, let’s just go Jesp”.
“Doll, I’m serious, we can easily get that chest, we just gotta play a few rounds and it’ll be ours” Jesper swore, playing with the hair that hung on the sides of her face just next to her temples.
“Kaz will kill us, that is unless they kill us first” y/n resisted.
“Nah” Jesper said, wrapping his arm back over her shoulder, “we’ll be fine”.
She rolled her eyes, “no Jesper, now come on, we need to get out of here”.
“Kaz wanted us to grab the chest” Jesper argued, getting a bit irritated now.
He found a solution!
Why wasn’t she letting him fix this predicament?
“Yes, but not in this way” y/n reminded him.
He shrugged carefree, “then he should’ve specificed”.
“Jesper again, Kaz’s money or not, we cannot afford to gamble like this” y/n said, her eyes making note of each weapon she could spot the patrons hiding on their bodies.
“Love! Are you kidding?! I’m serious about this being the perfect time to gamble” Jesper defended.
“For you, I’m not sure there is such thing” she scoffed, giving him a soft but knowing look.
She wasn’t going to get on him about his issues, but she was also not going to encourage him to partake.
“Rude” Jesper feigned offense, “let me show you what I can do.“
While he knew she meant no harm and didn’t judge him, he wanted to show her this wasn’t a big deal.
He wanted her to see that he didn’t always lose the way Kaz liked to tell her he did.
Jesper cupped her face with his palm, “let’s go”.
As he guided her across the hall, his right hand never left her waist.
His left hand was resting on his hip, signaling to everyone he was carrying a gun should they try anything.
He was well aware that this wasn’t the most reputable gambling house in Ketterdam.
As such, he wasn’t sure how these patrons would behave around someone as radiating as Jesper found y/n to be.
He slid into an empty seat at one of the scuffed up dark mahogany tables.
Jesper tapped her hip bone softly as he guided her to sit down.
As she sat cautiously on his leg, he whispered into her ear, “relax love”.
“It’s not a good idea, Jes” she stubbornly stated, head buried in his neck making it seem flirtatious instead of appearing as a random couple suspiciously whispering inside the den.
As Jesper signaled that he’d be joining the game, he rubbed her back, “want to bet?”
Y/n leaned back to look into his fieldstone colored eyes, “ isn’t that already what you’re doing?”.
He smirked and kissed her cheek before turning his attention to the table.
Jesper was feeling lucky tonight.
He wasn’t lying when he said she was his lucky charm.
Perhaps it was merely that he paid more attention to the bets in an attempt to impress her.
Tonight only fueled that desire.
He knew Kaz had told her of his frustration with Jesper’s gambling.
He knew Kaz saw it as problematic and to be fair Jesper knew it could cause problems from time to time.
But he was hoping that maybe tonight he could show her it isn’t a big deal not was it always a bad thing.
Plus he didn’t want her to think he was horrid at the game, even if she didn’t really care if he was skilled in this area or not.
“Doll, play along please” Jesper pleaded in a low voice, leaning his chin over her shoulder as he placed his latest bet.
Y/n gave him a look when no one was looking their way, before her eyes once again analyzed the room for threats.
“Y/n/n, they’re going to know I’m up to something if we don’t “ Jesper whispered with a sigh as he examined his hand.
“I thought you didn’t recognize anyone Jesper” y/n asked with clear irritation in her tone despite the way she leaned into him to speak without anyone hearing.
“I didn’t, until now” Jesper said tapping her left arm softly before stroking it to remove any suspicions from the other patrons over his movements.
After a few moments of bickering between some of the other gamblers playing at their table, y/n looked slyly over to her left, flipping her hair flirtatiously as a mask for her real intentions.
As she snuggled into his body, her lips against his ear, hair covering her lips from view, she asked, “tall, white guy in stripes?”
Jesper bent his head in a sly nod as he smirked when a patron began watching him and y/n closely.
“Should we leave?” She asked, hand on his chest as she lifted her head and looked around the room as if bored.
“No doll, let’s just enjoy our date, hmm?” He asked, his tone as he said ‘date’ emphasizing his point.
Jesper knew this person in stripes to be Mr. Callaghan.
Mr. Callaghan knew Jesper and of his gambling troubles and it wasn’t good news if he was here.
However, Jesper figured if she could keep up their cover and make it seem like they were on a date, he wouldn’t find it questionable.
After all, the couple did have some nights she’d join him for a round or two, so it wouldn’t be too unusual.
The worker at their current table shoved the round’s winnings towards the undercover crows as soon as it was deemed Jesper won the round.
“Yes!” Jesper smirked, kissing her cheek, “what did I tell you doll?”.
Playing her part and loving the grin that formed on his face she smiled and cupped his face, “fine, you won”.
“Mmm” Jesper smirked smugly, “always do”.
“So not true” y/n teased, shaking her head softly.
“You do know who I came in here with, right?” He winked, “like I said, I always win”.
Y/n rolled her eyes as her cheeks heated up, shuffling closer to him.
They deliberately made their way to the lead table, trying to take enough time to not look suspicious.
But they also couldn’t take too long as y/n was certain Jesper’s luck would surely run out soon.
She hadn’t seen him this lucky in his wining streak before.
And while she was happy for him, especially as he seemed even more confident than normal, she knew it would take just one wrong overly wagered bet to make things go terribly wrong.
In order to earn a spot at the main table and be considered for the chest (and the similarly placed higher value winnings), the couple had to wage some large bets.
And while they’d been lucky so far, the luck was only making Jesper even more cocky and blind to the risk.
The wagers he was placing were now not only enough to keep them going to their goal, but were well above that for no reason other than Jesper needing that rush.
“Jes, honey” y/n softly spoke, rubbing his hand as he went to double his wager.
“Yes darling?” Jesper asked, kissing the bare skin between her collarbone and neck.
As y/n saw some eyes on her, she put on the facial expressions of an irritated girlfriend, giving Jesper a look with her eyes so he knew it wasn’t genuine.
“Can’t we just go Jesper?” Y/n wined, a dramatic pout on her face as she dragged her hand down his chest.
Jesper suppressed a smirk, not having any problem with her ruse if it meant her hands stayed on him.
Yet, he knew what she was doing, also having seen the other patron watching them closely.
Jesper felt a bit on edge, uncertain if they were scrutinizing their ruse or worse, checking y/n out.
As the man’s eyes glanced up and down y/n’s body as she sat on Jesper’s lap, Jesper restrained from laying his hands on his pistols and guiding his girl home.
Giving the man a warning glance before smirking and kissing y/n’s cheek, Jesper responded, “we will soon love, gotta win you that chest you wanted first, hmm?”
Y/n batted her eyes and nodded, “really? You can win it for me?”
Jesper grinned at her dramatic statement but also took it as a true challenge, “for you, of course“.
Jesper’s attention was drawn back to the other guy when he groaned and commented that Jesper needed to place his bet already.
Jesper smirked and slid some kruge across the table as he moved y/n to his other leg away from the guy.
“Jes, I can’t see the back office from this angle” y/n whispered, dipping her head into his neck.
Jesper hummed, squeezing her hip, “I know, but I don’t like you near him with the way he had his eyes on you”.
Y/n looked up from his shoulder to see what he was referring to; instantly making awkward eye contact with the man in question.
Swallowing thickly, she gave the man a look she hoped showed her lack of interest before turning back to Jesper.
“Where’s the chest?” Jesper asked, resting his hand on y/n’s small back as they stood at the table.
“When you’re ready to cash out, you’ll get it” the handler said, waving to his left; the direction where another worker had moved the chest.
“That’s not how this works” Jesper argued, starting to sense something was off.
“Look man you don’t want to have to carry it around all night “ the employee pushed.
Y/n rubbed Jesper’s arm as she stared at the man, “oh don’t worry! He can still play, I can carry it”.
Jesper fought back a grin and smirked, “as my lady stated, she can hold it until we leave”.
“That won’t be necessary. What, do you not trust us or something?” The man asked, staring at Jesper with a taunting gaze.
“I could give you just about a thousand reasons why that would be reasonable” Jesper remarked, moving his arm from behind y/n to her front.
The man looked Jesper up and down, “that is rich coming from you”.
Before Jesper could respond or y/n could react, the man continued, “the boss needs to record it for the books. You’ll get your winnings soon, why don’t you stay and play a few more rounds?”.
Jesper glanced over at y/n who sighed loudly, “it’s fine. We can wait a bit babe, as long as it doesn’t come back all scratched up”.
The man chuckled, “course not, no damage will be done to your pretty chest darling”
Y/N’s hand twitched against her leg, her fingers brushing Jesper’s thigh briefly as she restrained her disgust.
Jesper sent a harsh glare at the man and guided y/n away.
Jesper huffed as he walked back to the table.
“Play a few more rounds, I’ll find the chest” y/n whispered while no one was nearby.
Jesper raised an eyebrow at her, “says the one who didn’t want me to play tonight”.
Rolling her eyes, she sighed, “you got us into this, but now it’s hidden. Might be back to plan A of just stealing it. But we have to know where it is to do that. Three rounds max though”.
Jesper nodded, rubbing her back, “agreed. I am sorry doll”.
Y/n smiled at him, “it’s fine Jes, but be conservative on these rounds Hmm? Don’t need to go home short handed tonight”.
Jesper understood her message, not only should he do smaller bets, but he should also drag out the rounds by contemplating his betting decisions.
Partially because it meant less chances for him to lose his winnings, but also because he needed to make it seem like he had been trying to leave before he lost money rather than just because they’d earned the chest and were therefore done.
Y/n waited with Jesper for another few rounds, sipping on very watered down drinks.
Once the staff were back to ignoring her and Jesper, she stood.
“Where are you going hun?” Jesper covered.
“I need to pee” y/n said, pretending to as if she wanted to whisper but was too drunk to do so.
Jesper chuckled and nodded, squeezing her hand, “don’t be long”.
Y/n squeezed his hand back before moving through the crowd.
Y/n was just about to check if the next closed door in the long dingy hallway was locked when she heard voices.
She’d checked at least five rooms which were all useless, but no one had been present in them.
Y/n froze and leaned against the wall next to the door to keep steady so she wouldn’t accidentally make a sound but could still hear.
“He’s never this lucky” she heard someone remark.
“I don’t care. You weren’t to let anyone else play for it, Bracken!” The other voice barked.
Y/n felt a sinking feeling in her gut, it had to be about the chest.
This room was one of only three rooms left in her search of the club where she’d seen the chest be moved to.
Did they know what was in the chest?
Is that why they weren’t supposed to be waging the chest?
How did it get thrown in as part of the den’s possible winnings then anyways?
As she heard more arguing and feet shuffling closer, she glanced around before sliding back down the hall and through the bathroom door.
She took a moment to compose herself, feeling her hidden leg belt holding her small blade.
It was better than nothing, but far less ideal than what she normally liked to have on her.
But Kaz was insistent that this was to be an auction and even in Ketterdamn women were expected to wear dresses at such events.
Y/n was just glad she had brought a hair tie, having snuck it in by placing it inside her heel.
It was uncomfortable to walk in, but it meant her hair could be out of her way should things go sideways.
Taking it out, she tied up her hair and swiftly made her way back to her boyfriend.
Chest or no chest, the staff were getting suspicious and the couple would be wise to leave soon.
Meanwhile, Jesper had finished his third round and began panicking that she wasn’t back.
He did another round to distract himself and focus on trusting that she’d be able to handle herself.
“Saints, that girl really is your good luck huh? You suck without her” His opponent asked mockingly as Jesper lost yet another hand.
Normally, he’d be offended or at least give some sarcastically witty retort but his kind was on her absence.
She should’ve been back by now.
Jesper looked up and saw she was empty handed as she gave him a look that communicated she didn’t get the chest.
But he couldn’t have cared less, he was just glad she was okay.
He majorly regretted having suggested they stay instead of just telling Kaz the chest wasn’t up for auction.
Regardless that she hadn’t found anything and seemed okay, Jesper intended to keep her close to him now.
“What did I miss?” Y/n asked, adjusting her dress as she sat down.
“Nothing love” Jesper sighed, biting his lip.
The other guy scoffed and laughed, “you’ll see, he’s about to lose again”
Y/n glanced at Jesper who just shook his head, setting another kruge down to increase his bet.
“Something is up!” The man shouted, slamming his hands on the table when he lost.
“Woah” y/n giggled, playing her roll of ignorant girlfriend “you okay over there?”
The man’s nostrils flared as he growled, “hey! Security, it’s her!”
Jesper promptly stood, pulling y/n behind him.
She no longer had to pretend she was confused.
She felt like a lost and pathetically naive girl in that moment.
A large crowd formed around their table as her boyfriend shielded her, one hand on her and the other on one of his pistols that he was no longer concealing; his fingers twitching to pull them from their holsters.
She was too busy measuring the threats around them to listen to the argument, letting Jesper focus on that part.
But she knew from his tone Jesper wasn’t pleased, “not going to happen”.
“Look, she’s pretending to be scared and confused! Such a sneaky little bi-“ the gambler argued angrily as he moved closer.
Jesper pulled his pistol out within a split second, it now being positioned at the man as the den’s security freed their weapons in response.
The man stopped mid curse and smirked “see how defensive? He’s protecting his secret stash”.
“You’re done talking about her” Jesper remarked, his empty hand still on y/n as he moved her to a slightly more guarded spot behind him.
“Stash?” Y/n questioned, shaking her head.
“The innocent doe eyes thing isn’t going to work sweetheart “ the man remarked.
Jesper’s grip on his pistol tightened but he let his eyes flicker to his girlfriend’s hand that she’d rested on his hip when the scene first started.
Jesper felt horrible.
He’d gotten them into this situation.
He was the reason why there were not only men crowding them but armed men.
Not to mention, it was his reputation of bad luck that had this man doubting Jesper’s sudden string of good luck tonight.
“Leave her out of this. If you think I’m cheating take it up with me, not her” Jesper stated sharply.
Y/n glanced at the back of his head before back to the others and stepping sideways as she came to understand what was happening.
Jesper’s eyes shot to her in panic and disappointment, a firm whisper, “y/n/n”.
Y/n waved an arm down her body, “you think I’m concealing cards on me?”
Only one single man was decent enough to look embarrassed as she pointed out the fact her dress didn’t cover much; and therefore there weren’t many hiding spots.
“I mean, there’s not many places I could,” she chuckled, “but feel free to look”.
Jesper stepped closer to her, uncertain what she was doing.
The guy who’d been eyeing her earlier, smugly moved forward far too eagerly.
“With your eyes, not your hands” she demanded holding a hand up to stop the man.
Jesper glared at the man, his second pistol out and now pointed at the men as he clenched his jaw.
One guard looked her over, “how do we know you’re not hiding cards were your skin is covered?”
“Where?” She asked, hands running down her dress everywhere but the area of her knife belt, “there’s not even any pockets or sleeves”.
“You know where” the guard smirked, explicitly eyeing her breasts.
Jesper clicked his revolvers as he stepped closer with a low growl deep in his throat.
“Enough, we’ll just get out of your hair then. Let’s just cash out and leave , Jesper. “ y/n said, knowing Jesper was at his end.
He kept staring at the men for a little longer but nodded his head once.
He lowered his pistols at the same time the security did, but didn’t place them back in their holsters until after the others had put theirs away.
Not that it would matter, y/n knew very well that Jesper would easily be able to pull his guns back out long before the others could even attempt to raise theirs.
An obese man tossed a bag of their winnings towards the couple and y/n caught it.
Jesper placed his hand on her back and gently lead them to the door.
“My chest” y/n reminded them, turning around and stopping their exit.
Jesper wanted to groan.
Yes, they needed the chest.
But, he’d have found someway to make it up somehow.
Just not now, not when the staff were already on edge and eyeing y/n.
“Wouldn’t you rather have the money?” The man asked , “maybe your man will get you something nice with it”.
“My girl wants the chest” Jesper argued, “so, where’s the chest?”
“The chest is not for sale” some random person spoke loudly.
“That’s fine because we’re not buying it” Jesper smirked.
Y/n caught a glimpse of the chest next to the man who’d recently spoken up.
She nodded her head his direction and Jesper raised an eyebrow.
Looking back at the house boss, Jesper gave him a questioning gesture.
The unknown man pushed the chest against the ground, the box scrapping against the bottom of the bar.
Y/n and Jesper shared a moment of eye contact before all hell broke loose.
Y/n unsheathed her blade as Jesper flipped his pistols around on their way up to his hands.
The guards weren’t too far behind and soon the couple were separated.
Jesper wasn’t even watching where he was pointing his guns, his eyes following his girl as she fluently leaped between tables as she fought off some of the guards while trying to get closer to the chest.
He was glad she wasn’t only skilled at avoiding gunshots, but also that the guards were poorly equipped.
Most had a few, dirty but sharp blades, but few had anything of larger concern.
And for those that did, Jesper guarded her from them.
As someone tried to grab his left pistol, Jesper faced him and snapped the barrel upwards against the guys’ hand, using the man’s stumbled response to send him to the floor. Jesper hit the man’s head with the butt of his gun on his way down; knocking him out.
Jesper’s eyes had just located y/n when she hissed loudly, his wide eyes seeing red pour down her exposed leg; the color visible even under the minimal glow of the club.
Even though she kept fighting her way to the chest, Jesper rang shots out faster as he rushed towards her.
As he shot the man who had stabbed her, y/n looked over at him and gave him a weak cocky smile.
Jesper could see the strain through it and his heart dropped.
She looked away and clumsily jumped off the bar counter and towards the man and his chest.
“Y/n!” Jesper called, pleading her to stop.
“I believe that’s ours” she said to the man, ignoring Jesper.
“Psycho little -“ a guard said just before y/n used her good leg to swipe his legs out from under him and knock him down.
Jesper kept one gun pointed at the guards before her who were holding her at gunpoint.
His other was turned sideways to hit the man charging at him from across the room.
Y/N’s sharp inhale rang through the air, making Jesper’s eyes freeze for a moment in fear.
But as he turned to her, he saw her nearly on the floor.
None of the guards he’d pointed his gun at had even moved.
What happened?!
Y/n pressed a shaky hand on the dingy floor to catch herself, groaning as her wrist screamed at her.
The man she’d knocked down had returned the favor by tugging her dress’s edge downwards, making her land on the floor in front of him.
She looked down and faintly made out the dull knife the guard had in his grip just as he dug it into the already broken skin.
Y/n cursed and broke the guy’s wrist as she moved her blade to his neck.
She heard the men above her moving in response and she could envision all their guns directed downwards at her.
But, she couldn’t do anything about that.
At this one she had pinned would pay for the scar he likely was causing.
She knew Jesper was there, and she hoped he’d seen what was going on.
But, she knew he had countless other threats surrounding him in the packed bar, so she wasn’t certain if he had.
She flinched and squeezed her eyes shut as she heard the familiar clicking of guns and braced for their shots.
As gunfire rang out through the now-stuffy air, y/n felt the man pull his knife out of her leg, going back for another strike.
She pressed her blade to his throat tightly, knowing she had enough pressure to subdue him as she heard him start to squirm.
Upon hearing bodies hit the floor next to her, y/n peeled her eyes open and saw Jesper had wounded each man.
Jesper was beside her, kicking the guns away from the men as he bent down to lift her up.
“Hang on love” Jesper huffed, one hand around her waist as he hoisted her back to a standing position.
He positioned his other hand so it was pointing his pistol toward anyone who dared to try and come forward.
He didn’t want to have to shoot anyone else but he would willingly shoot-to-kill every person in the bar if that’s what it took to get his girl out and he wanted them to know that.
Y/n mumbled something unintelligible as she pressed her palm to her wound while trying to brace herself on Jesper.
Jesper fought to keep his sorrowful and pained eyes off her leg as he helped her walk out of the bar.
“Wait” she gasped, making him freeze as his wide eyes snapped to her face.
“T-the.. Ches-“ she groaned, eyes squinting in pain.
Jesper huffed in irritation but leaned her on the counter as he rushed back to the chest, hurriedly grabbing it and then her hand, “now come on”.
Once they’d ventured down the narrow side-street alleys far enough to feel somewhat less at risk, she slowed her pace as she moved to rest against the wall.
Jesper fell to his knees before her as she pressed her back against the cold mossy bricks, sliding down until her butt hit the ground.
He finally let his troubled eyes examine her leg, his teeth grinding as they did.
“Shit” he sighed, looking around for water to clear the wound so he could see it better, “love, fuck”.
Y/n chuckled faintly, rolling her head side to side as the back of it rested against the bricks, “it hurts like the bitch they said I am, but I’ll be fine”
Jesper shook his head, tears flooding his vision as he faced her, using his hand to wipe the blood away since there were no liquids around.
“Fuck, Jesp-“ she moaned, pushing her fist to her mouth to keep quiet.
He glanced up at her with remorse as he wiped some sweat beads from her forehead with his other hand.
Jesper stared back down at her leg, trying to problem solve, “I know baby, I’m so sorry. Shit I- I don’t. Okay so-“.
Y/n reached out and tenderly stroked his face, making him let out a choked sob, “Jesper, honey,-“.
He shook his head firmly, pulling the bottom section of torn material from her dress and pressing it against her wound.
She grimaced but nodded as his eyes looked into hers, “let’s go”.
Jesper gave her a thankful smile at how strong she was being despite their situation.
By the time they made it back, y/n was dragging her leg so much that Jesper was nearly carrying her.
In fact, he wished he was, but her stubbornness and pride got in the way.
Ironic, right?
He used his free hand to throw open the doors, not caring that they slammed against the wall loudly.
He was glad it helped announce their entrance, his focus on finding Nina.
“I-it- just a scratch Jes” y/n tried to comfort, gripping the material of his shirt.
He knew the wound wasn’t life threatening but he hated that there was one at all.
She shouldn’t have been hurt.
He shouldn’t have gotten her hurt.
As Nina finished up the stitching on y/n’s leg, y/n continued drawing shapes on Jesper’s palm.
He hadn’t left her side from the moment it happened, not even when Kaz tried to pull him out so they could talk.
He’d face Kaz’s wrath later even if delaying it only made him angrier.
He wasn’t ready to leave her side.
Kaz had taken the chest to hide it wherever and hadn’t returned since.
Nina had already fixed the pain and bleeding and was just stitching up the skin to aid in her healing.
“Twice daily, rinse between applications” Nina stated, facing Jesper as she handed him a jar.
“What is that?” Y/n asked, reaching for his other hand.
“It’ll keep it clean and fix the infection” Nina said softly.
“Infection?” Jesper asked, the way his head was still hung and the pain and guilt in his voice made y/n frown.
“Whatever Saints-forsaken dagger was used wasn’t exactly clean, nor is Ketterdamn” Nina explained.
Jesper nodded, turning the jar over in his hand as he scrutinized the material.
Y/n gave Nina a pleading look to which her friend smiled in understanding.
“But, she’ll be fine, you got her out” Nina said, “she’s lucky you were there, it could’ve been worse”.
Jesper began to argue but y/n squeezed his hand to stop him.
Nina gave them both a kind smile before she stepped out.
They both called out a thank you to Nina before y/n tilted Jesper’s head up so she could his pewter-green eyes she adored.
He took a shaky breath, setting the jar beside her as he cupped her face with his hands, “I’m so sorry y/n, if-“.
“Please stop Jes, it’s not your fault “ she sighed.
“Doll, -“ Jesper argued softly as a tear rolled down his cheek.
“Jesper!” Kaz’s booming voice called out the sound forced into the room before the man himself did.
“Ka-“ y/n began defensively.
Jesper shook his head at her, willing to accept his punishment.
“I wasn’t speaking to you, was I?” Kaz snapped, sending her a harsh stare.
But y/n noticed the way a grimace formed as his eyes fell to her patched leg.
It lasted only a split second before his anger returned and he looked at Jesper.
“I know” Jesper admitted, not moving his eyes from his girlfriend’s leg.
“Then look at me when-“ Kaz demanded.
“Look at you?!” Jesper scoffed shaking his head, “y/n’s hurt because of me, I’m not taking my eyes off her until she’s healed”.
Y/n pouted as she sighed, unsure how to help him.
“You two were to get the chest. That’s it! Then you come back bloody” Kaz stated looking at y/n.
To Jesper, he said, “and you gambled with the kruge I gave you I said to only use to purchase the chest!”
Jesper nodded, looking intently into y/n’s eyes, “I should’ve listened. We should’ve left when y/n suggested”
“Aye! Brekker, we got the chest did we not?” Y/n smirked, stretching her leg on the bed.
“And came back inoperable for at least a week” Kaz griped.
“At least two” Jesper corrected firmly.
Kaz raised an eyebrow at him, having spoken to Nina himself moments ago.
“Jes,” y/n shushed, “not helping. And Nina said one week”.
Looking back her way, Jesper gave her a pleading look, “two”.
Kaz wanted to keep criticizing them Jesper but even as mad as he was at the behavior, after watching the way Jesper looked at y/n, Kaz could tell he wasn’t going to be making that mistake ever again.
Y/n played with Jesper’s rings as he held her torso to his side.
“It’s not your fault” she reiterated for the hundredth time.
Jesper let out a loud sigh, watching her fingers spin the rings he donned.
“You had said we should leave. I should’ve listened” he admitted.
The scene had been playing over in his mind on a loop.
“You had an idea Jesper, and it would’ve worked if things hadn’t changed twice on their end” y/n said encouragingly.
Jesper stayed silent as he wished he could take her place.
He deserved to be the one with a gash in their leg not her.
“Jes, my beautiful baby boy, Kaz’s intel was wrong. You tried to adjust so we could still accomplish the task. You had no way of knowing they’d change things again on us” she pointed out, lifting his knuckles to her soft lips.
It was true.
Inej had just left y/n’s room after informing them that the auction had been cancelled moments before they’d arrived.
Allegedly because the seller argued for a better price for which to sell it to the auctioneer.
Then, the seller made a deal to wager the chest instead, in a bet he wagered against the auctioneer.
Through all of that, Jesper’s plan would’ve worked.
However, unbeknownst to them, the auctioneer/gambling den’s leader had staged one of their own employees at the tables to win it.
But, the seller too had arranged a ploy, intending for the box to be won by his true buyer.
Evidently whatever was in this box was not something one could legally sell or even auction off.
Not that Ketterdamn much less the bare ever stuck to the laws or legalities.
But, Inej found out the intended buyer was a high ranking merchant and therefore had to make it seem they’d stumbled upon the chest on a routine night of high stakes gambling in some abandoned part of the barrel.
“Doesn’t matter” Jesper mumbled.
“Jesper Fahey, come on now” y/n pouted.
“I let my ego get in the way and you- you’re hurt becau-“ Jesper rambled.
“Don’t you dare finish that Jesper “ Y/n warned, holding his hand tightly as she kissed his knuckles again.
“Y/n, just…please, you don’t know the underlying motive I had” Jesper remorsefully whispered.
“Which was?” She asked, letting him explain in hopes he’d feel better after.
“I wanted to impress you- and Saint’s! I just.., like I said, my ego won and I wasn’t thinking as clearly as I should’ve been. I should’ve been more focused on our safety. Your safety. But instead I was thinking about showing off to try and impress you. I’m so sorry y/n, I-“ Jesper mumbled, voice strained.
She pushed her tailbone into the mattress beside him as she leaned to sit up without moving her leg.
Y/n turned to look at him as he copied her movements with a mixture of confusion, fear, and sadness swimming in his normally comforting eyes.
She shook her head vehemently, grabbing his hands in hers.
“Jesper Llewellyn Fahey” she hummed and shook her head with a smile on her lips, “you, my dear, do not need to try to impress me. You already impress me on a daily basis. Okay? You’ve got nothing you need to prove; certainly not to me. I need you to know that”.
Jesper let a few tears trail down his cheeks, hitting her thumbs until she tenderly wiped them off before kissing both of his cheeks.
“I really am so terribly sor-“ Jesper began again, his arms locking behind her to hold her to him.
“Fahey, if you don’t stop apologizing I swear I will hide your ever so precious pistols somewhere in Kaz’s office” y/n threatened.
Jesper chuckled into her hair, kissing her ear softly.
“I like that sound” she hummed, snuggling into him, “are you okay now? This is over, hmm?”
“Two weeks” he spoke, playing with her hair.
“Ugh” she complained, “fine but only if you’re keeping me company during those two boring ass weeks”.
Jesper tucked her head deeper into his shoulder, as he held her, listening to her breathing to soothe any remaining negative emotions.
“Darling, I’m never leaving your side again” Jesper threatened sweetly, closing his eyes.
