Jul 6, 2022
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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Diego x Reader with 23. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you.” 54. "But this is the only thing that's made the last three years bearable." 61. "Are you kidding me? We're not 'fine'!" If you wanna :)
Tired of pretending
Fandom: The Umbrella Academy
Characters: diego x bi!female reader
Words: 1605 words
Theme song: take me back by alex band
Author’s note: I wrote the reader to be bi so if that’s not comfy for you, you could always skip it or read something else. It’s just how I wanted it to go.
Warnings: blood, anguish, mental breakdown, self-hatred, implied hookup, uncensored swearing
Prompts: 23. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that they’re you.” 54. “But this is the only thing that’s made the last three years bearable.” 61. “Are you kidding me? We’re not fine!”
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Y/N and Diego met at the gym where he works. They’d lock eyes from opposite sides of the ring just to look away. Stolen seconds before they’d let go. She didn’t stay behind anymore to talk to him when they’d close up and she hated why. Her fear told her it was nothing but trouble and trouble wasn’t worth it. No matter how she disagreed with it, it was in control. Oh, how she dreamed of tearing down the walls with her bare hands to embrace him on the other side, but they were just dreams. Make believe. Could they even be together after these years?
An overwhelming hate built in her chest whenever she’d push those doors open. Their eyes would meet, one pair filled with something. All her limbs lost feeling. Her face, the only surviving piece of her until she pulled away and disappeared from his sight. Her fists collided with the punching bag. Colliding. Crushing. Bleeding. Screaming. The words of caution from her confidant fell on deaf ears until a gasp escaped from her mouth and crimson from her knuckles.
She ripped off her gloves and wraps, disappearing into the bathroom. Her reflection laughed at her. Most accurately, gasping from laughter. Why do you find my pain hilarious? The chaos in my temples and ears. Why won’t you leave me be? I just want to be happy.
The water rinsed off her blood and she hissed at it. It was more helpful than her own mind. Life was a cruel bitch, but not as cruel as herself. For she couldn’t even let herself be happy. Was it really her fault? Gods. At this point, who was to blame? Her? She didn’t know, but, oh, how she wanted to.
Her clean fist collided with the taunting reflective surface in front of her. Bugger off, she thought. This is my life. Leave me be. Why would I do that? Why am I so afraid? He could break your entire spirit. Like you’re doing right now? I… No.
The door of the restroom opened. Shouting didn’t break her thoughts. The arms of her trainer enveloped her and her frustration escaped in a cry for help.
Her arms tightened, “I’m here, y/n. Oh god, what happened to you?”
She didn’t respond. Her body trembled and her eyes shut like a locked door.
“I’m fine.” Her voice cracked similarly to the shards across the tiles.
She took her to hospital. Her lies kept her from being stuck there. It wasn’t clear to her why they’d let her leave when it was obvious, but she was out and she went to a bar to be alone. How ironic. Shut up. Drinks upon drinks, she felt a hand tap her and a woman spoke.
“Did you come alone, beautiful?”
“Yeah. Plan to change that?” How is that supposed to work?
“How about I buy you another drink?”
“How about we get out of here?”
“Sure thing, gorgeous.”
“Can I kiss you?”
The two locked lips at the bar but not the door at her place. The rest of the night was a blur and she was content with that. Anything to forget what had happened the last few days. The next day, she awoke to her hookup asleep.
She left her there with no care if she stole anything. Her possessions meant nothing right now. Nothing did. Her numbness wasn’t in her limbs anymore. Her chest felt cold and her eyes blurred. Every swallow kept her vision good enough to go to the gym. Her body was in auto-pilot and she was gone.
Her hands pushed open the doors. It was almost closing time and everyone had left by now. It would just be Diego… She wasn’t sure if the owner would be there, but at this point, she didn’t care. The man turned around. At first, he looked confused and on guard with someone bursting in there like that at this hour. But that quickly shifted to concern when he saw her. She looked different than the woman he’d grown to be friends with.
She’d been avoiding him and he didn’t know why. But her eyes - they gave him chills and he felt like she was going through something. Something that she needed space for. How he was right yet wrong. His texts and calls were left on read and/or no response for days, until, eventually, he stopped altogether. His thought was that she was getting help or using the gym as an outlet. She was.
She needs space, he thought. She’s getting help, he thought. I hope, it was the opening to those sentences, one that he’d block out when he met her gaze. He was scared too for her. And when he saw her there, he knew that he was so very wrong.
“Diego Hargreeves…”
Her words failed in her throat. The only freedom her numbness allowed her. And she was buggering it up. She choked it down and started again. This time, swallowing down her doubts, her fears bubbling up.
“I’m here to let you know that i’m fine. Everything is fine. So, stop staring at me like a lost puppy.” That’s not what I meant to say! “Okay!?” Shut up. She turned around and made her way back to the entrance.
“Are you kidding?”
“Excuse me?”
“We’re not fine! You’ve been isolating yourself from anyone who tries to care about you, even your own family and trainer. Who can get close to you without being pushed away? You need help. All you need to do is admit you need it.”
Her voice snapped, “How can I? I won’t let me!”
“You’re the only thing stopping yourself! People are trying to help you and you just ignore them. I bet their pleas are the same as the ones between your ears. Just let go of this. Scrap it. Start over.”
“How!?”
Shut up. No.
He shook his head, “I don’t have all the answers, but a professional can help you find out how. Please just talk to someone. Me, you, a shrink. Someone you trust. I can swear to you that it’ll get better. Bottling it doesn’t help anybody.”
Water built up in her vision until she fell to her knees. Her face enveloped in her fingers.
“I can’t talk to them.”
“Then talk to me.”
He kneeled down beside her. He gave her space, but stayed semi-close. Just to let her know he was there for her, but only if she wanted him to be. Slowly, her hands moved from her face. The sobbing became quiet by this point and she looked up to him. His expression was supportive like a best friend would be. Once she looked at him, her eyes couldn’t keep from crying again. But this time, she let herself collapse into Diego who wasn’t expecting it. He fell on his bum, but kept her from hitting the hard floor.
Neither moved for what felt like eternity. Her tears soaked through his work shirt, but it meant nothing in comparison. Her nails dug into his skin and in return, his hand rested on hers. They loosened eventually. He gently rubbed a hand over her back. Over time, her sobs calmed down from a hurricane to a gentle rain.
“Diego, I,” she wiped her nose with a sleeve. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that… they’re you, but this is the only thing that’s made the last three years bearable.”
“Is that why this is happening?”
He had to ask. The thought of selfishness came to mind from what he wanted to say, ‘Am I the cause of your pain?’
She didn’t reply for sometime. All she did was sniffle and fiddle with her fingers for a good long while before she gave an answer.
“Partly, yes and no. I’m utter rubbish who… doesn’t deserve to be happy because I'm the most worthless thing on this entire bloody planet!”
Her voice raised higher, faster, and angrier with every word until she was practically screaming. Her hands clashed repeatedly with the sides of her head vigorously until Diego clasped his around them.
“Stop. Stop!”
She buried her face in his shoulder, wrapping her arms around him.
“Gods… Why can’t I be happy?”
It sounded more like she was asking herself. Diego didn’t know how to answer. He didn’t know either, but he wanted to try at least.
“Because you hate yourself. And… I don’t see why. You’re a good person.”
He gently placed both of his hands on the sides of her head and guided it to meet his eyes.
“You’re a good person.”
She tried to blink away her tears. She couldn’t disagree with him. She was too afraid to let herself be happy, but here? This moment was an example of her potential rapture. Everything could be like this or better. Even if she was still afraid. Even if she was being screamed at from within. She could push forward until these fears are nothing but a memory.
“Thank you.” She hiccuped. He brushed her wet hair out of her face. “You’re welcome, y/n.”
She gave him a weak smile and met his gaze.
“Could I-”
She pressed her lips together and looked away. Now isn’t the time, she thought. And he’ll agree with me. There’s time in the future for this. He knows how I feel. How could he not? I practically screamed it in his face.
A gentle pressure touched her forehead. Her hands went to his face and finally, she smiled.
“Promise me you’ll try and get an appointment.”
“I promise, Diego.”
starter for @thenightmareofyourdrems (Five)
———————— ❝ Just stay alive, that would be enough ❞
@endseen / " cause when i’d fight, you used to tell me i was brave "
❛ S’CAUSE YOU ARE. you & ben were always so brave . . . ❜ he shakes his head a bit , not used to being vulnerable around five. but complimenting him didn’t mean he was WEAK ; just meant he was nicer than he let on. ❛ i mean , you just appear in front of a gun , not fearing you’d get shot. that’s some badass shit , five. ❜
I am in love with his new photoshoot so you can have a soft moodboard ❤️❤️❤️
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works