#source: jschlatt

[blunderbusstanut]

Natalie tries to relax before a concert and gets a Facetime from Richie.

Richie: Beautiful tits and rack, love it. Cya. *Hangs up.*

[offended-dot-png]

Jo: Dude is not an alpha, he’s wearing a seatbelt. Do you see this shit? Do you see that line right there, team? He’s a fucking seatbelter. #4, things you never say to an alpha, “put on your seatbelt”. I think differently, ok? If I get into an accident going 80 miles per hour on the highway and plunge through the windshield and go out into the road, that’s perfect; I’ll land on my feet. Why would I wanna be in that car anyway? It crashed

[funeepapyrus]

delinquent mari au i guess

[the-skull-breaker]

*the guard is stuck on a deserted island*

Koori : you guys wanna know a cool fact ?

Nevra : yeah ?

Koori : *points at the horizon* Japan is right that way. if we swim all night we'll be able to get to Japan.

Mathieu : I love anime ! *goes straight to the water*

Lance : MATHIEU NO !

[almost-correct-quotes]

Poseidon: You know those mugs that say "world's okayest dad"?

Poseidon: That’s me.

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

//source

D: you know how restaurants will like, ban unruly clients from ever coming again

John: sure, but then they’ll- then they’ll be trending on twitter the next day, but sure.

D: i banned obama

John: oh- oho no.

D: for- for ruining- for ruining the united states of america, i banned him

John: what did obama ever do to you?

D: he ruined it. he ruined the country

John: wh- what did- what did he ever do that affected you?

D: think about how bad this country used to be, and think about how awesome it is now

John: i dunno about that, i’m calling shenanigans. i’ve yet to hear- i’ve yet to hear-

D: look at this guy hes sideways now

D: hes sideways whaddya say about that

D: sideways obama? you want that man to be-

John: um, obamas upside-

D: upside down obama?

D: forty-fourth president of the united states-?

John: nah, nah, he’s right side up,

D: yeah, exactly

John: cause he’s brobama.

D: no hes not “bro"bama

John: he is.

Dave: (obama is my world)

Dave: (obama is my king)

D: what, do you like obama?

John: what’s wrong with obama? you gotta tell me what’s wrong with obama, why do you dislike obama?

D: because he ruined the united states

John: i would like to know how he ruined the united states.

D: think about how bad the country was, and now think about how good it is

John: i think the country was pretty great- you know, i would actually say that america was already great.

D: *deep breath*

D: 

D: what are you, a liberal?

D: 

John: 

John: d- eehehehhe-

D: ahahah

D: look, all im saying john, is that obama is banned from the kfc dome

Dave: (haha- the crushing blow)

John: okay, you know what i’m gonna say? so long as obama is banned from the kfc dome, you enjoy dick and balls. that’s all i’m gonna say-

D: WHAAT?!

John: it’s almost like-

D: NOOO

John: there’s a correlation between the two! 

D: oh my god,

D: im sorry obama. im sorry, youre not banned any-

D: i unbanned him john, come back

John: i’m outta here.

D: i unbanned ob- oh my god

John: i hereby rest my case.

D: you cant do this to me on pride month!

D: you cant do this to me on pride month, john, come on man!

John: it’s been done. it’s done. 

D: oh

D: my

D: goodness gracious mamma mia i hate obama

Davesprite: who put a peepee on the sign!!!

D: i- wh- theres a peepee on the sign, where?!

Davesprite: the big one in the sky!

D: aaAAH ITS A DICK AND BALLS DAVESPRITE WHAT THE FUCK

Davesprite: noooooo

D: AAAAAAAAAAAA

D: im gonna be honest, i put that dick and balls there

Davesprite, at absolutely ear-piercing volume: WHAT

D: ahahahahahaheheh-!

[incorrect-mcytblr]

@coralfans: The only person I’m not platonic with is my hot chess s/o

@wormweeb: I thought I was your hot chess s/o :(

Pecky: You don’t play chess.

Lex: I’ve played chess before! @gaseth, have I or have I not played chess with you in the past?

Rowan: You...have not played me in chess

Lex: Okay...yeah...

Rowan: Why would you bring that up? That’s, like, never happened.

Lex: I just thought you’d vouch for me :(

Rowan: No.

[totallycorrectscpquotes]

Bright, narrating over an animal: Be very quiet...

[animal steps on a stick, breaking it]

Bright: NO YOU IDIOT-