#strange loops

[mumblelard]

pilfered volcanoes

this morning, finn and i took a walk around the lake and talked about shadows and trains and cormac mccarthy's handmade bookshelves. we saw two great blue herons, a patch beaver sign, and seven different kinds of mushrooms. i found an acorn that looks like an eyeball, a new kind of ramen, two dice for my jar, and fixed the latch on the old cooler. it was a really nice morning

[cauchyfeelings]

you guys don't know how much i love recursion. how everything remains connected yet loops back into itself. how code is just mapping things back and forth. how math aims to find invariances across space and time.

house of leaves. godel escher bach. strange loops (attractors).

how identity emerges from memory. a continuous self-referential system.

memory is the story we keep telling ourselves.

is this psychosis? have i gone mad?

[tvt2]

Where are you even, dude?

[mumblelard]

on my morning ramble, i saw three very sad things, one very nice thing, and found the seeds of a preapocalyptic cornell box scattered along my path or happy tuesday imaginary constructs

[mumblelard]

maniacally laughing just saw a street preacher with a spanging sign of doctor bronneresque density consensually stripper grind someone who was wearing a vest made out of dead beanie babies or a babo shaped babo

last week the blue moon landed on my birthday for only the second time in my life. so much that happened between those two birthdays was an unwinding of everything that came before, and a lot of that hurt, it really hurt, but now i feel strangely untouchable. i may get one more blue moon birthday in nineteen years. i can't wait to see what this new era brings

in the last week, i saw the giant snapper that rules the bull sluice. i ate fried chicken and seven-up cake, homemade pulled pork nachos, and waffle house. i went to the parade with both of my kids for the first time in a decade. i talked to a good friend on the phone for hours. i laughed so much. i made a delicious pot of very angry beans. i slept with my windows open for the first time since spring, and i drank coffee on my cool breezy porch

it's been a very good week

(oh yeah, and i learned a thing about myself that folks have been telling me since i was sixteen, but i finally heard them, and i am still laughing about it)

[mumblelard]

solstice storms or snakes are reoccuring

my ex-father-in-law had two heart attacks over the weekend and a double bypass last night. none of his kids and none of his grandkids have spoken to him for years. i haven't talked to him in more than a dozen years myself. that last five minutes are burned into my memory forever

still, he was a big part of my life when i was a young man. i learned a lot from him. he accepted me for who i was in a way that made it easier for me to do the same. he got me out of bad trouble that was on its way to worse trouble more than once

anyway, i had such a good weekend with my kids, unaware that any of this was happening. over the years, finn and i have had conversations about how we would feel when he was gone. we had agreed that it was impossible to predict. it's not over yet, but i think we are starting to find out now, and it's worse than either of us expected

[mumblelard]

last night in the middle of the night, i woke up, and my mind raced headlong into a surprise, depths of darkness panic attack. i was able to stop the loop by walking myself through this month's memory board instead. when i made it to the end of the board, i let myself peek back at the frozen loop, to see what was behind it all, and there was nothing there but the panic. i think my brain had decided to have a panic attack about not having had a panic attack in a while

[mumblelard]

if i go through the door the plot continues. the story of me through the door