#suicidality tw

[azuremist]

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get yourself to do things that are harmful for your mental health, but good for your future, when you have chronic suicidality. “Okay, you can work the last 20 hours of your job OR!!!! You can just kill yourself” Thanks Man

[amurder-ofcrows]

i forgot how fucking draining going to therapy is. i was there for an hour, all we did was make a safety plan - something i’ve done SO MANY TIMES BEFORE because ive been suicidal since i was 11 - and now im laying down while physically shaking because im so overwhelmed from the session. and we didn’t even touch my trauma today (which is a big reason im going to therapy again) because we knew we wouldn’t have time to put me back together AND do the safety plan, so guess what we’re doing next week… so glad my sessions are at 5pm because there’s no way i can do this kinda shit and then go back to class

[cascigarette]

x

[discyours]

Are you afraid of death? And if so is it a fear/worry that comes back to you often?

That's an interesting question and not one I ever expected would be difficult for me to answer. I had a very traumatic childhood and for most of my adolescence death was essentially the light at the end of the tunnel for me. Suicidality was my main coping mechanism and at the time, the only real promise that there was a way for all the bad shit to end. I was picky with my methods because I was terrified of having to live with the consequences of things going wrong, but death itself did not scare me at all. The idea of the people around me dying did, but even then I used the promise that I could die myself if need be as a way to comfort myself.

Over the last few years I've formed a lot more attachments to being alive and I have noticed myself getting somewhat scared of not getting the time to do all the things I want to do. When I feel my chest hurt from the long term results of a restrictive eating disorder + years of stress it no longer feels like a "free bonus", it feels scary and out of my control. I'd like to grow old with my partner and I regularly worry that I've done a lot more damage than I can wrap my head around. Several of my family members died a few decades before their time due to mental health issues (and poor ways of coping with them) and there's no real reason I'll be any different.

I have a lot of nightmares too and quite a few of them are about dying. But the fear is largely about the fact that it'd be out of my control. As someone who spent years seeing death as the only form of control I could have over my life, that's a very new thing to grapple with.

[symptoms-syndrome]

TBH I kinda wish I could be banging pots and pans yelling "IM GONNA KILL MYSELF IM GONNA DO IT" but like. That's not rly gonna actually do anything for me. The first time u attempt/say ur gonna attempt ppl try to get u to not. By the nth time ppl are just like. Ok. And I don't even want to so like treatment that's like "nooo don't kill urself lol" isn't gonna work on me LMAO. I wish I was fucked up in the cute tragic way instead of the crazy fucked up way. Give me a sideblog to reblog blurry photos of old birthday parties and bad poetry about lambs instead of just being like. Deeply fucked up.

[aromanticbastards]

i think i am going to fail at life.

sometimes rigid structure is the only reason i can do stuff

but rigid structure makes me want to kill myself.

i want to go to therapy

but finding therapy is just. so hard. so many steps. so many tries and most of them aren't even visible to others.

i want to care for myself and my needs

but knowing them is hard. who am i to judge myself? and again and again and again so many steps and they never end.

i feel like i am going to lose my friends through my own fault.

i feel like that already happened and i am looking at the shards of any friendship i have ever had.

i feel like that will happen tomorrow and last week and next year and never and always.

i hate my parents and they don't know about that.

i hate them for reasons that look too small to justify it but every day i find more of them.

i hate them for trying to be good parents and failing so hard.

i want to feel safe and i don't know how.

i want to trust people and i don't know how.

i want to forget everything but i also want to remember forever.

i am 20 and in this moment i think that i might have already failed.

[only-knives]

i guess one way to combat suicidality aside from talking about it is to immerse myself in listening to music. i swear right now i'm just listening to music that i enjoy listening to, not just vent music, and i'm like. okay. nice. this is relaxing. good.

i feel bad about sharing that im struggling with it here but honestly. it's the truth and i'm still doing my best to get through it. i wanna be able to show other people that you can have these dark thoughts and still put one foot in front of the other. the time will pass anyway. it's okay to give yourself a chance.

you don't have to tackle your whole life problem at once. if all you could do today was still be here, i'm proud of you. you're stronger than you know. and more loved than you believe.