Just My Thoughts

Online Diary

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 28th 2026, 12:16am

My thoughts are racing through me…I feel like a void that sucks the happiness from people and I gonna stop. I muted the group chats I’m in and most of my DMs due to me coming off as “too much”.

I hate myself, I hate how I am around my friends, my family, hell even my work place! I’m so fucking dumb that I can’t even figure out a god damn computer! My friends are going to forget about me sooner or later but it’s best if I leave now. Ignore them so they can have a happier life without me. I can’t even be happy with the fact one person who I held such deep care for hasn’t spoken to me in a god damn year yet talks to my other friends like their buddy buddy.

I can’t believe I’m sitting here on my bed and knowing that I’m too much, or just clingy! I want to see my friends thrive and I learned they thrive without me, I’m sorry to whoever sees this but I love you guys and please understand that I can’t be a part of your lives. You all deserve so much better than someone who is a constant reminder of a clingy and pathetic person.

I know I shouldn’t trust my judgement at midnight but I’m sorry but it’s the truth. I’m nothing but a sinking anchor on my friendships. Please no one try and reach out…I don’t deserve to be liked, loved, cared for, or respected.

I’ll be in my little void on my own, curled into a ball and try and pick up whatever pieces I gave you so I can shatter them more.

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 25th 2026, 3:34pm

Im a bother. Im such a pain and so clingy that maybe being around people isn’t such a good idea. I try hard to be here for everyone but i push them away. I feel terrible for everything that’s happened to everyone who’s had a bad day/time lately.

I’m too clingy to the fact I was so excited to be with my friend and I just feel like I was too much for them, I am too much. I can’t help my friends with their home life and I feel like if I talk about mine it’ll be shut out. I know I have people who care but why in the back of my mind I feel like they aren’t.

I have nothing to look forward too anymore, I don’t wanna work, I don’t wanna do anything but lay around in my loser boyfriends home while he whines and complains about his back all day..it’s honestly all i deserve in life.

Maybe not being around anyone is a good idea though, I’ll just stay at home, isolate, work, then lay back into bed ignoring my life..I ruin everything and everyone’s lives,

To my friends; I love you all and I’m sorry I’m gonna be a bit distant and avoid everyone for a while,

To my family; I don’t fit into this world anymore. Yall are better off without me. I’m sorry

To my lovers; don’t hate me for being alone. Understand I love you with all my heart but..maybe it’s best if I leave.

Just..I’m sorry but I need to separate from people and..that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m sorry if I can’t be the Tharapist for everyone. I try to but I can’t everyday.

[rikivicious-but-uncensored]

I wish I could sleep forever

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 17 2026, 9:06pm

I wrote them a message. I think they’re mad at me and I can understand that. Even though I tried to get them to sleep I feel like everything is my fault. I’ve wreaked the most important thing in my life. I really saw a future with them and I wanted to be there for them in every way possible.

Maybe I’m not meant to have people in my life, I can’t delete my social media due to the memories I have but I can always mute or block them. I just want to relapse and never see or hear anyone again.

I failed as a friend, I failed as a lover, god I fucked up so much I just wish I could start that day over and ignore the spam messages and tell them I can’t deal with someone intoxicated.

But I feel like that I sent them that message they probably hate me. They’ve been fighting their depression and I just made it so much worse! I forgive them for everything that happened but I can’t forgive myself for being there.

…god I’m such a bad friend…

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 17th 2026, 6:04pm

I think I lost another friend. I don’t know but I feel terrible. Yesterday/ last night they kept spamming me and saying they love me and miss me and I kept telling them to go to bed. They were drunk and I had no idea at first but early this morning they said they felt bad for all the spam but now they haven’t spoken to me. I think I lost them.

The thing is I don’t want to lose them, I love them way too much for them to leave. I even develop DEEP feelings for them and they for me. But I ruined it..I have no idea how but I did.

That’s two people now. Two people who I love deeply are probably gonna be gone and out of my life. Maybe I deserve it. I give too much and now I’m here. Alone,

I think maybe shutting up for a while is a good idea. It’s not worth it to be active in social media, especially when I’m me.

[linkcharacter]

centi anya moment number i lost count

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 13th 2026 7:49pm

I can’t. I can’t do it anymore. All I’m doing is just being in my head, I hate being in my body, I hate being alive. God I wish I just died in that fucking crash! I hate myself i hate myself! Why the fuck do I have to be around people! Why do I have to have a constant feel of having someone around me when I just want to kill myself!

That crash should’ve killed me. I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and I don’t want to anymore. I might as well stop in front of a car and just get hit. Or just take all those damn “emergency” Tylenols in my bag, or fucking cut myself till I’m gushing blood and no one can save me!

ANY WAY OF DYING WOULD BE AMAZING! I’m done being a shitty daughter, I’m done being an ugly sister, I’m done being a horrible and fat girlfriend! I’m done being such a terrible friend to where no one talks to me unless they HAVE to! WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL ALIVE!!

SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE IM BEGGING ANYONE TOO AT THIS POINT IM NOT WORTH THIS FUCKING LIFE!!!

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 12th 2026 12:37am

…the thing I wanted more than anything happened and yet I’m still alive. I got into a car accident but because I guess somewhere out there wanted me still alive kept me alive. Why? I’m not worth anything! People don’t want to talk to me, don’t like me, don’t want anything to do with me. So why am I still alive?!?!

I WANTED TO DIE IN THAT ACCIDENT SO MUCH BUT IM NOT! WHY AM I STILL HERE!! I have nothing to show for my life anymore.

I mean..not like people care and the one person I’ve been wanting to talk to is ignoring me STILL and posting everywhere that they need people to talk to yet I’m right here. But it’s fine. I should’ve died. I. Should’ve. Died.

Maybe I’ll die in my sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything anymore. No one can catch up on me, no one can act like they loved me when they don’t. I’ll never be one people care about. I’ve been bottling up my crying till now so no one can hear me. I’m sorry to everyone that “loved” or “liked” me. I’m worthless and I hate this!

I. Should’ve. Died!

[becherdireinen]

they should invent a brain that doesn't whisper bad things to you.

[feral-ballad]

Victoria Chang, from With My Back to the World: Poems; “The Islands, 1961”

[Text ID: “I want to be loved but I don’t want to open my mouth. / I want to be saved but I don’t want to kneel down.”]

[maskenwelt]

[petaltexturedskies]

Anaïs Nin in a diary entry dated 14 July 1920, from The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin: 1920-1923

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

July 9th 2026, 1:00am

I want to message you. I want to talk to you like we used to, have fun, laugh at silly moments, catch up on our lives, hear about your work, and you hear about mine. I want to tell you that we’re all still friends and we miss you terribly. It chews me up inside of the fear of talking to you and full on ignore me yet you message and reply to our other friends.

Was a bad friend to you? Did I do something that made you not want to talk to me again? I miss you. I miss you so much. I remember when you broke up with them and I kept seeing your status on Facebook and here and I reached out but…you never replied. I asked our friend if you want to talk to me and all you said was I’ll talk to them when I’m ready. I understand that but i miss us. I miss hearing your voice, your laugh, your info dumping, your ideas, I can’t even read your outstanding writing anymore due to the pain of losing you.

I’ve been contemplating on messaging you over and over again, but I can’t seem to do it. I see you heart my stories on instagram, I see you liking my pictures, but I want to see you. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, I want to look in your eyes and make you so happy and feel so much better. I wish I can make you see me, or like me again.

All I want is for us to be friends again..can we?

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

June 23rd 2026, 12:20am

Sorry for always being on here but my thoughts are too much for me. I’ve noticed that since I’ve been alive, things have not been going well, and I’m about to make it stop. I’ve been in so many lives I highly doubt I have made any impact on any. I know a lot of people have impacted mine but..I’m no one’s favourite, I’m no one’s best friend, I’m just alone with a family who has a whole life without me present, a boyfriend who never takes any shred of interest in me, friends who either never want to talk to me or far away to the point where I can’t see them.

Speaking of friends, I feel like I’m out of a loop of so many things, I’m not in a lot of fandoms anymore, I’m not at all conventionally attractive, I have not a lot of people reach out, I just..feel like the group can live on without me and no one will bat an eye if I leave.i try so hard to be there for everyone and I feel like sometimes I’m just too much for them so I think if I leave everything and just never talk to them again they’ll move on and have more memories without me.

I don’t plan to be here long anyway, I plan to try and make it till my next birthday but maybe I’ll stay till Christmas or earlier. I don’t ever see a single shed of light at this tunnel,

I’m sorry to everyone who has ever been in contact with me for the past years, or anyone and everyone..I’m sorry I’m here and in your lives, I don’t plan on returning.

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

June 22nd 2026, 6:09pm

I need to isolate myself from now on, I’m done, I have been fighting so many urges and I sadly gave into two last night..I should buy more smokes on Friday and just keep cutting. It’s been one of those times where if I just keep to myself then I’ll be alright. I’ve been working and I’ve been crying. Left my own thoughts is really scary yet calming.

I have a genuine question for anyone; if I am ever being too much please let me know?

I plan to isolate myself from mainly everyone I know minus work related stuff so that way I can just fade out of people’s lives, never even exist. So when I do eventually and hopefully die from either suicide or something happening..it’ll be easier for people to mourn. They’ll be like “who died? Oh! That girl! Yeah we haven’t talked in years but I am upset about it,”

People shouldn’t be near me or love me, I’m just a burden, a placeholder, a body. I don’t think it’s a good thing to be around anybody. I just want to be alone and have people just forget about me.

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

June 22nd 2026, 12:36am

I feel like I’m too much. I’m doing too much, I’m putting so much on myself. With two now three jobs just to distract myself from either cutting, crying, or just sitting down going numb. Nothing in my life will never go far nor will I ever achieve anything. Why am I such either a pushover or a very sensitive individual.

I feel like I can never do right. I’m either too vulgar, lewd, or just too myself. I don’t think it works out anywhere, friendships, relationships, or anything. What would happen if I just spoke less? Stop responding to people? Or just..be lonely.

I put so many people before me but that’s my nature. I never care for me I mean my room is a mess, my life is in shambles, I feel like I’m ruining my friendships with being myself. I’m sorry I’m like this everyone. I never mean to be like this. Just please to people who either know me or for some reason want to know me, please let me be distant for a while, I just want to cry and never crawl out of this hole I dug myself into.

I already lost a lot of my friends for being myself. I’m just in a way counting down the minutes till my other friends leave me for being me.

I’m sorry for being sensitive and sentimental.

[throwingintotheemptyvoid]

June 12th 2026, 4:19pm

I hate being upset. I’m tired of being upset, I wish I was happy. I’m getting tired of people being in my life. Everyone around me is so happy and filled with life yet here I am sitting alone with my thoughts. I’m at my breaking point to where if I ever call into either job I don’t care if I get yelled at.

My morning was shit to say the least, my taxi was late, one of my shitty coworker called me 6 fucking times asking where I am and my boss got mad at me and the fucking cook..oh the fucking cook! Calling me every name in the book because “I worried her” and “it’s your fault she’s pissy you fucking bitch!” But yet I see TONS of people do no call no shows and they get away with it. I can’t do it there anymore. I refuse to do it, plus one of my favourite coworkers is on vacation (which she deserves) and my other favourite coworker doesn’t work a few days a week. It’s at this rate where I might either call in 4 hours before my shift, or show up at 6AM and start to be petty and call the fucking bitch asking where she is six times. I have her block already so that won’t happen again.

I’ve been debating on relapsing but I can’t…I don’t want to hurt people but yet people hurt me? So what’s the harm? I’m already a fucking loser..I’m gonna stay a loser. I don’t think my boyfriend likes me, I know my family isn’t always there, I have my friends but..they just seem to worry about themselves at times when I need support. I don’t think I’ll be around much anyway..

Sometimes I’d like to think that I’ll be killed or so harmed that I don’t have to work anymore. Or deadly sick, it seems so much easier to be like that cause then I’d be in the hospital so much and I’d be so alone, I know that if I got any sickness my mother will tell me that “I have to do treatment” but I’m sorry it’s my body and I want to just die. I’m tired of being alive, I’m tired of being so happy and supportive to everyone but they never are for me. I’m just done..