Hindu marriages, swayamvar and choice?
Have you ever thought about why do we have the Jaimala or Varmala in most Hindu weddings? Or where does it come from?
- Varmala, the act of exchanging garlands during weddings signifies acceptance of each other as life partners and embracing the changes that both will bring to each other’s lives. It also harkens back to the days when hindu women got to choose their own husbands. We weren’t always doing arranged marriage in the subcontinent. Hindu women often chose their grooms by themselves in the ceremony called as “Swayamvar” which literally translates to “self choice” where the bride would garland the man of her choosing and they would then be married off. The hindi word for groom “Var” also comes from the Sanskrit root word “Vr” which means “choice” or to chose something, it is the same root in the word “Varna”.
There is also the concept of Gandharv-vivah, an ancient Hindu form of marriage where a couple unites based on mutual consent and love, without formal rituals or parental involvement.
According to Apastamba Grhyasutra, an ancient Hindu literature, the woman chooses her own husband in Gandharva marriage. They meet each other of their own accord, consent to live together, and their relationship is consummated in copulation born of passion. This form of marriage did not require consent of parents or anyone else. According to Vedic texts, this is one of earliest and common forms of marriage in Rig Vedic times.
In Rig vedic opinions and classical literature, the commonly described marriage type was Gandharva, where the woman and the man had met each other in their ordinary village life, or in various other places such as regional festivals and fairs, begun to enjoy each other's company, and decided to be together. This free choice and mutual attraction were generally approved by their kinsmen. A passage in the Atharvaveda suggests that parents usually let the daughter freely select her lover and directly encouraged her in being forward in affairs of the heart. The mother of the girl thought of the time when the daughter's developed youth (Pativedanam, post-puberty), that she would win a husband for herself, it was a smooth and happy sort of affair with nothing scandalous and unnatural about it.
The translated version of the Atharvaveda (Strikaratâni, ii.36) passage is:
May (Oh Agni!) a suitor after our own heart come to us; may he come to this maiden with fortune; May she be agreeable to suitors, charming at festivals, promptly obtain happiness through a husband.
As this comfortable cave (Oh Indra!) furnishing a safe abode hath become pleasing to all life, thus may this woman be a favourite of fortune, well beloved, not at odds with her husband!
Do thou ascend the full, inexhaustible ship of fortune to bring hither to this woman the suitor who shall be agreeable to thee.
Bring hither by thy shouts (Oh lord of wealth!) the suitor – bend his mind towards her. Turn thou the attention of every agreeable suitor to her.
Even historical and divine couples like Krishna-Rukmini as well as Shiva-Sati have married each other this way.
Krishna and Rukmini’s marriage- Rukmini, a princess from Vidarbha, had a deep devotion and love for Krishna from a young age, even before meeting him. She knew about his virtues and greatness and desired to marry him. However Rukmini's brother was against this match and arranged her marriage with Shishupala, a king known for his cruelty and evil deeds.
In a desperate attempt to escape her arranged marriage and be with Krishna, Rukmini secretly sent a letter to him describing her plight and her love for him. Krishna, upon receiving the letter, immediately set out to Vidarbha. He confronted her brother and his armies and defeated them, effectively freeing Rukmini from her arranged marriage. Krishna then eloped with Rukmini, taking her to safety and later marrying her in a grand ceremony.
Shiva and Sati’s marriage- Daksha, Sati's father, initially disapproved of Shiva due to his ascetic lifestyle and unconventional appearance, which he considered unsuitable for a prominent family member. Despite her father's objections, Sati was deeply devoted to Shiva and chose to marry him, even leaving her home to live a life of penance to win his favor. Shiva eventually agreed to marry Sati, and they were united despite Daksha's continued opposition.
Dispute about Gandharv Vivah - Gandharva marriage over time became controversial, disputed and debated. Majority of ancient scholars discouraged it on religious and moral grounds. One argument found in the classical literature is that Gandharva marriage ignores the sacred rituals and vows the groom and bride must make to each other. Such a marriage, argued those ancient Vedic scholars, may or may not be lasting since it did not involve Agni. Over time, Gandharva marriages were either opposed or done with the use of Agni to ensure the longevity of the marriage through vows.
In some smriti texts like the manusmriti, Manu goes on to state that Gandharva marriage is only suited for males who are priests, warriors, serving in the military, administrators, nobility and rulers. Baudhayana claims that it is lawful for Vaishya and Shudra. However, he evidently thinks that maidens who make so free are not of much value after all. Narada, yet another ancient scholar who wrote Nāradasmṛti sometime between 100 BC and 400 AD, suggests Gandharva marriage belongs to everyone. Calling it sadharana; Narada claims the only methods of marriage that are wrong are those that are based on abduction, forced, violence, fraud or purchase.
Decline of Gandharv Vivah - There is no consensus theory to explain why Gandharva marriages have declined over the ages. One theory claims that as prosperity and wealth increased, parents sought greater control of the activities and social life of their children. Pandey claims Hindu ideology shifted from diversity of marriage types to where the social pressures compelled the girl's family to seek arranged early marriages. Yet another theory is that the priestly caste of India, who officiated Brahma marriages and religious ceremonies, over time crafted rules that declared Gandharva marriage for most Hindus as inappropriate and disapproved (aprasasta).
How Gandharv Vivah is re-emerging in India- In modern India, particularly in urban regions, Gandharva marriage is re-emerging. One term for couples choosing their own partners is 'love marriage' in India which usually means a couple choosing each other of their own accord but in most cases following it up with Hindu wedding rituals. While arranged marriages still remains one of the most common forms of marriages in the country, urban Hindus are choosing more and more to marry for love rather than caste, religion, culture or wealth!
