The Beginning ~ Sanders Sides fic
Wc: 3942
Characters: Roman Sanders/ Dragon Witch/ Mentioned Logan Sanders/ Mentioned Remus Sanders /Mentioned Virgil Sanders/ Mentioned C!Thomas Sanders/ Unknown to the Narrator voices.
Warnings: Slight mentions of violence and injuries (though they aren't really real) mentioning blood, stabbing, but without a knife.
Summary: Roman, as Thomas' creative side, has always been familiar with nightmares. Not in the way of him having them himself but… quite the opposite. He fought against the nightmares his friends had.
Or better said…with what was left from them.
He was absent when it came to being part of Thomas' nightmares, never being able to understand and see by himself what was happening in them, all because of his brother, Remus, the other half of creativity, being in charge.
He got frustrated by that, always, struggling to help and guide Thomas to his dreams, to what felt right.
But... this time, after so long... It was different.
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The Beginning
Roman, as Thomas' Creative side, has always been familiar with nightmares. Not in the way of him having them himself but… quite the opposite.
He fought against the nightmares his friends had.
Or better said…with what was left from them.
Most nightmares were vivid, prompted by his brother, Remus, the embodiment of dark Creativity and Roman's opposite, while Virgil ended them, the latter waking Thomas up in an anxious mess, while Logan tried to reassure them with facts to remind them it was only a dream, helping them to go back to reality and calm down.
Once they were mildly recovered, if needed, Roman would do his best to distract Thomas the best he could. Roman was the one that was always up to save Thomas from them, sometimes helping him with particularly bad dreams, if it wasn't by Thomas calling for him in the middle of the night to make up lighter scenarios to go back to sleep, it was trying to help him to see the nightmare more positively, getting inspired from whatever his brother decided to annoy Thomas with, instead of ignoring them, since Logan Insisted was the best way to avoid intrusive thoughts.
But again, Roman was absent. He struggled to understand the nightmares, sometimes even refused to, just for the pride of not being like Remus, which he had to fight for, just for his love and loyalty towards Thomas, but it still made the mission of finding out how exactly to help Thomas the best he could be harder than he would like it to be.
Sometimes, he even wished he could actually …be there. It was frustrating to see his friends hurting from nightmares, it was frustrating that he couldn't stop Remus from doing it in the first place, to not understand later and have him being explained over and over, having to ask the logic side to remind him of details he sometimes messed up with, repeating, reminding them of the bad time, because it was frustrating that he was affected by something he couldn't understand and above all, it was frustrating to not be able to help, especially when Virgil refused to talk about it and leave it alone to not trigger Thomas.
He was the prince, the Hero of the story supposed to be there when he was needed; the one others could rely on; the one others could trust. How could he help if they didn't let him know?!
He got frustrated, over and over. He was not good at hiding it when something made him upset, but… he cared about his friends, even if he didn't want to admit it, and did his best to not add even more to the pile. He had to be strong when things went bad, that is what heroes did.
He tried, his best, to just accept that things were like they were, but the hope of doing something more was still there. He was the embodiment of hopes and dreams after all, he couldn't lose that.
He tried not to think too much about it. This was something he didn't have any power on, he couldn't take his brother's place, no matter how frustrating that was. He tried not to focus, to ignore.
But… this time, after so long… it was different.
When Roman opened his eyes, darkness embraced him. It was dull, hollow, and confusing in a way that he didn't even know when his eyes were open. He tried looking around, walking around, running forward, walking forward, slashing with his sword around, trying to summon a candle that didn't appear… he was met with nothing, no matter what he imagined, which told him this was somewhere different from the Imagination or the Mind Scape.
Realization struck him. The last memory he recalled was him calling it a day as he read some Disney book he found. Probably Inside Out, he thought at first, being reminded of the darkness where each emotion met in the movie.
But then he felt something different. Dreams, the dreams that he created, weren't dark, weren't hollow, in the slightest. His dreams were bright, imaginative, out of this world, full of adventures and mysteries to solve that would leave both him and Thomas with an open ending haunting them forever.
This one, even though it was a mystery, was just … different.
This one was not made by him.
The darkness was uneasy but that probably was because Roman wasn't one to be in the darkness, he didn't like it much. That was more of the Emo Nightmare Virgil thing where he would either enjoy the time there or be overwhelmed by something Remus did, to scare Thomas.
Remus…this was more of his thing…
And if it was a dream, that Roman didn't make…
This was a nightmare.
Roman found himself with his last feeling of sleepiness off, traded by pure adrenaline burning in his chest with that thought. He gasped at the realization and perked up, following his first thought when he kept running forward.
That could get him somewhere right? That's how a dream worked, he had to move, continue the plot, a made up plot that he didn't have any power on, that the person dreaming didn't have power on, but if it was vivid enough, like this one, could choose its path by themselves… Roman knew how dreams worked and this one was vivid, he could finally choose by himself, in a nightmare,finally by himself.
Finally a change to help.
To be the hero.
After so long, after so long hoping- was it possible?
No need to question it, he thought. He wasn't Logan, dreams didn't follow logic. Hope was born in his chest again, gently warming his chest up.
In the middle of his undeniable excitement, Roman tried to remind himself of how nightmares worked. Dreams were a thing, but Nightmares had a factor that explained why they affected a side like the embodiment of Anxiety himself the most.
They were supposed to know someone to their deepest, the strongest fears, their weaknesses…
…
And Roman was a hero. He was brave, he fought his weaknesses, he beat them, and that made him invulnerable. Who else was more appropriate to face a situation like this, if it wasn't him?
A nightmare was just another, darker, dream right? Just like fighting yet another monster, another adventure, another mission.
Easy.
Roman kept running, a grin on his face as his hope kept trying to tell him where he had to go.
First, he had to find out whose nightmare it was, or… which side was the one contributing the most. As far as he knew, no one of the sides feared the darkness, including him, so what must be the problem here was: what was in the darkness, right?
And what he needed to see that was light.
He ran and ran, and could swear he started seeing light far away when he hurried himself. Feeling pride by his confirmed thought.
It was simple.
This was finally…the time.
His time.
"DO NOT WORRY!" Roman shouted confidence in his tone as a warning. His voice echoed around the darkness, surprising him and reminded him of when he was exploring caves. Hearing his own echoed words, he doubted them a bit, continuing with the same tone "OR ABSOLUTELY DO, ACTUALLY, IF YOU ARE A VILLAIN." He put his sword up.
"RETREAT, OR…" he laughed at his own thought "WE WILL MAKE THIS EVEN MORE EXCITING!"
Roman, indeed, was getting excited as he felt a fire of pride coming on his chest.
He strengthened his run. The light seemed to be getting closer with every step and the feeling on his chest did the same.
He ran with widened eyes, his eyes shining, his smile brightening, he put his hand towards it in an attempt to reach the light and jumped, feeling like he was flying as he slowly floated forward to it.
He took his time to look at it. Allowed himself to breathe, to curiously investigate it. Waiting.
Yeah, he thought it would be easy, that it was just another goal to achieve…but he wouldn't expect it to be boring. Too easy.
Suddenly, the growl that he was expecting came. He expectantly looked up, and smiled.
'There you are' Roman thought. His smile brightened even more.
From the above, a huge dragon with a black cloth and hat appeared as it threateningly flew in circles towards the light. It reminded Roman of how Logan described vultures used to fly around before eating their prey. A last mock from a creature of nature to another in its last minutes of life.
Roman chuckled.
He should be the one doing that.
"I'M READY!" Roman shouted to the Dragon Witch, his nemesis, his long sworn enemy and opponent. He wasn't surprised by her appearance in the first nightmare he remembered being part of. This creature, even if Roman always had to fight it and represented the villain of his stories, was who reminded Roman of his ego, of his purpose.
To protect. To guide people to their dreams.
Roman looked down to the light again, steady and lonely from where Roman first found it. It didn't seem that it had moved itself, not even a little, like it was shocked in place, small as it was. The small…star? Was weakly glowing in place, like a little kid so overwhelmed by a crowd, this little star not realizing it was the reason why there was light in the darkness, light that it couldn't feel itself.
Roman urged to where it was, allowed the weird atmosphere where he was to allow him to float to where the light was, which moved for the first time, backing off, but Roman didn't push it, saving a bit of distance between them, and then struggling to control his movements like he was floating in air. To his experience, it felt like swimming in the water, imagining himself as what would it be if the prince from the little Mermaid would do if he was transformed into a mermaid instead of Ariel into a human.
But Roman had to shake his head and come back to the situation at hand. This was a cool scenario and he was sure that it was also worth it for a Disney production scene if he tried.
With pride, he put himself between the light and the dragon who was coming with a speed that he didn't remember ever seeing her being able to reach, but didn't have time to think about that, she was coming for him.
Roman put himself on guard and charged with a war shout to the dragon too.
Once both were just in front of each, Roman tried slashing while the dragon blocked with her claws. The struggle between them lasted a bit like that until the dragon managed to take Roman by surprise and scratched him on his neck, pushing him back.
Roman groaned with shut down eyes, putting his hand on his neck from the pain. Surprisingly, there was no blood, no physical symptoms aside from the pain, and he had to notice fast when he saw the dragon charging towards the star again.
Roman yelped, and ignored his struggles trying to go as fast as he could towards the dragon-
'You are losing'
A voice echoed in his mind, taking Roman off guard. This voice didn't sound like anyone in particular,at least not someone he could recognise… he just waved it off.
Losing? No, he wasn't. The prince shook his head, and charged once more. He would prove it otherwise.
The dragon noticed Roman behind him, and looked back with a ball of fire charging in her mouth as a last warning for Roman to realize he had to dodge.
It was a struggle, once again, but this time the adrenaline took control and Roman dodged the next attacks rolling in the air with an experience that he knew he didn't have in reality, like he was flying and had been for the entirety of his life.
Welp, that's how dreams worked, he thought. He wasn't surprised that Remus' would work the same.
Speaking of witch-
Suddenly, probably because of his thoughts, the Dragon's laugh started sounding like Remus'. His brother's laugh followed by a high pitched screech coming from the dragon echoed in Roman's mind, and it was making it even more frustrating than it had to be, making his ears sore.
He shutted his eyes down against his will and tapped his ears as he groaned-
'You are a FAILURE.'
Roman flinched.
Among the noises, the voice that spoke to him before came back with more strength.
For a moment, Roman struggled, feeling how the words affected the warm feeling of pride that was still burning in his chest. It didn't hurt, but for a tiny bit he felt a pang of pain as the words settled in his mind.
He wasn't a failure.
Ignoring his clear uneasiness and how he felt like the darkness around him moved, Roman charged towards the dragon again. He had determination in his eyes, his internal fire pushing him to keep fighting and trying to muffle the laughs that kept getting stronger. He put his attention on the tiny star, and pushed harder.
He had someone to protect. Recognition and pride were things that he needed as Thomas' ego but this star needed a savior, and there was him.
'Are you sure about that?'
The voice asked, mockingly, and distracted Roman for a second, only a second.
When he looked down he regretted doing so.
In a way that couldn't be possible, the dragon was way too close to the star now. Roman widened his eyes and ignored everything as he charged again.
Or tried to.
'Not too fast.'
The darkness suddenly trapped him from behind and took him by surprise as he tried to fight it. The thick black darkness pushed him into it like tentacles that reminded him of his brother's obsession with octopuses. They were strong, and coming out from them didn't seem like an easy task, so he better got himself out there quick, or else-
Suddenly, one of the tentacles moved from his back.
'How could they trust you if you can't even do this right?'
Roman felt a sharp , luckily quick pain in his back to his stomach, like he had been stabbed, pain that didn't give him time to scream about it after he was left on the floor with a gasp.
He crouched down, breathing accelerated at the dull pain. He felt kinda grateful that it didn't hurt as much as it probably should, but when he checked down his torso, the wet he could swear he felt wasn't there. For a second he even expected a hole-
He weakly shook his head and closed his eyes.
A nightmare, Roman thought This is just a nightmare, and blood and all that is not your thing, you know this, you are doing this right, helping, finally, they– he kept trying to reassure himself when the voice pushed back again with force
'How could YOU expect them to trust you like this?'
Roman looked up.
From the darkness, one of the tentacles moved up and Roman could swear that it was a perfect black representation of Deceit's face. The prince looked confusedly at it for a second and then gasped, as the fire that once helped as determination, now started to burn him from the inside.
"Between you and Remus, I wouldn't know who the evil twin is"
Deceit
Roman groaned.
He wasn't evil. He knew that-
"I'm the most important Side here!"
Logan
WRONG! Roman thought, but couldn't find in himself to speak.
The fire kept growing in him, keeping him in place because of the pain. He felt tears coming down his cheeks as the darkness left him on the floor, action he barely noticed in the shaky, vulnerable way he was kneeling down on the floor. The fire just kept growing.
‘’Roman, you get super insecure for some reason and when you do, the work suffers’’
Virgil
Roman heard the voices but not quite acknowledged them, pushed them down. The fire kept growing and as the teary mess he was he didn't know how to make the feelings stop.
Insecure.
Virgil, the one that was always in fear, always the one that Roman thought held Thomas back, called him, actual ego,…insecure.
‘How could you expect them to feel secure around you if you are insecure?’
Roman looked down.
He knew better now. Knew better from Virgil, knew better than to take everything Virgil said seriously or in a negative way when he didn't mean it, like it was in this case, learnt to respect him. To see pass his role, to see what his intention was.
But..the feelings, even if they felt distant, they were real. Every time he tried to push them down, they didn't do anything but push back up.
He knew he could mess up sometimes, he did more than he would like to admit, like-
'Did you really do the right thing?'
Ah, yes. What were nightmares about, again?
Weaknesses.
His first thought was the wedding. The feelings there, the weight, the doubt, the thought of 'I don't want to be here.' that weightened him.
Roman hated this. He hated the regret that embraced him when thinking about it, but…he was the one who chose that, right? That was…right, even if it hurt… it was the right thing.
Right..?
He… he deserved it, he gave his word, he–
"Roman, it's ok"
Suddenly a voice that he couldn't recognise snapped him out of his thoughts. For a moment, everything was silent, Roman widened his eyes in shock, unable to react until the voice sounded again.
"We l—- y—u..."
...
Wait what was that-?
Who in the–?
The voice was distant, glitched, so blurry that for a second he thought his mind made it up trying to get himself out of the torture this nightmare was making him deal with, but the fact that he kept trying to understand what he heard didn't allow to forget, pushing forward to focus. He could even feel how his body weirdly calmed down at it–
This thought, even if it wasn't on purpose, seemed to also help to distract his mind enough to stop the memories. The fire didn't hurt anymore, the darkness around seemed to stop trying to reach for him, but he felt weak, tired, a deafening sensation embracing his whole body, kind of dizzy and cold now that the fire seemed to have ceased. He posed his hand on his neck and flinched slightly at the faint pain he felt from the attack he received earlier.
Speaking of which.
Further from where he remembered he was, he barely could catch the light that he swore to protect. He felt the adrenaline rush in his chest again, but found out his mind was working faster than his body.
Damnit.
He focused, and feeling a weird numbness in his chest, he slowly stood up. But to his surprise ,the next thing he knew was that he was standing next to the star. Star that, differently from what he remembered, was weak, a barely there light blue light that shily glowed through Roman.
Roman, disoriented at first, gulped, and uncomfortably looked behind him expecting the Dragon to keep looking for him, but found her crumbled on the floor, without making a sound.
Did he…did he do that–? When-
The star slightly glowing harder for a moment called his attention back to it. Like Roman, it also seemed… tired? More seconds passed by, and Roman could swear he saw how it was slowly also getting smaller. Roman rushed,reaching out, and gently put his hands below it, so it could stay there.
The star seemed to oblige, as it stayed there, without moving. Roman took the opportunity to kneel and take a closer look to it when… it also seemed to be losing color.
Roman felt a weird urge of emotions flowing through him again. A small drop coming from his eyes again, this time with no apparent reason.
Why was he crying?
Why did he feel so…sad? Was that it?
He knew better than to question nightmares, especially if prompted by Remus but- what was all of this?? Did it even have a meaning?
Maybe–
As he processed, he noticed the star was losing form. Little particles floating around Roman's arms like glitter and embraced him like they were tiny stars, and Roman was like that one Disney short, a kid in the space trying to reach the stars in the darkness of the night.
'Woah, Yeah uh…Logan would love this' he thought with a tiny smile as he sighed at the sight of it. That stoic perfectionist logic side could have some appreciation for these things, especially when he didn't have other ways to experience it. He…was able to understand that what Roman did, even if it was different…was also important… that it wasn't nonsense. The thought helped to distract Roman a bit from the hopelessness he was starting to feel.
It was not right for him to feel hopeless…it didn't feel right.
He looked down at his hands again, where the tiny last glow stayed.
Roman looked at it, and sniffled against his will. He gently took one hand out and pointed to the star, hesitantly. The light didn't move, and for the last seconds, it was like time stopped.
Darkness embraced him again after the last touch, and this time, he didn't do anything to fight it.
…
The next thing he knew was that he slowly, so slowly, opened his eyes and was found by many tiny familiar figures on the ceiling, and posters on the walls.
He was in his room.
He didn't even feel like moving. He looked up, trying to catch what had just happened.
After a bit, he looked aside, to his bedside table. There was the book he remembered reading last night, and above it, his notebook. He always left it there, always waiting and prepared for him waking up with ideas or for when he came to bed and had the 3 am thoughts, always getting inspired in the least preferable moments-.
This dream seemed like one of those, the ones that he would feel the urge and need to write down for Thomas, especially when it was about the first nightmare he felt he was part of.
A nightmare that … seemed to be about him. About Roman. This was his nightmare, that was…without saying. He just…didn't know what the heck did it mean, it felt more than just- his insecurities.
He focused on the notebook…actually unfocused.
He just felt…so weird.
He kept staring at the pencil next to it too.
He just-
He was…this was not good.
Something was missing.
He looked back to the ceiling, processing the feeling.
The fire on his chest… he didn't feel it. He couldn't feel it. What- why–?
…
Oh.
Wait a second-
This was- the feeling of the lack of a feeling he well knew pushed him forward. That had a name, and it was–
Oh.
Holy. Sh—cheezits and bagels.
Roman Sanders, Sir Sing A Lot, Thomas's creativity, hopes and dreams, his ego…was feeling…
Unmotivated.
The royal pain he couldn't help to feel and killed him from the inside out. He lost his damn sparkle.
He had no motivation.
He couldn't do his job. Couldn't help Thomas-
That was definitely not good.
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-Author's note: HELLO THERE!! phew I hope you enjoyed this! This is a story that has been in my mind for quite a long time now- I'm a really slow cook, bear with me-- XD started around last year and keeps kicking- 🤣 I have a lot of plans for this! I wouldn't want them to simply get lost in my documents haha 😂
The gist of it, to give a better understanding of this part in particular, is a Side being forgotten. Roman doesn't know said Side in this story, it's like he never met him... Why could that be? Any thoughts? :)
Anyway! Thanks for your time and reading! Would love to know what you guys think! :D might see more about this thing around in another time, consuming my mind at the time XD See you!
And special thanks to @fandombead for helping me post this, I'm just a little guy that wants to make stories once in a blue moon and doesn't know how this works BWAHA ty fren
-Pili F.
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