Viktor's Notes
Entry One
Thoughts After a Party
Had a talk with Heimerdinger last night, about impermanence and death and the things that we can leave behind. Enlightening I'm sure, if only I hadn't been too drunk to remember the majority of the conversation. The suggestion, at least, I remembered. To start…writing it all down. Not just our research notes but…everything. Anything. Whatever thoughts I can share. That maybe someday someone might appreciate having a compass of sorts to what my thoughts were- what was motivating me. I think I told him that the idea was…foolish, last night. A waste of time for something nobody will read. I am no Jayce Talis- I don't need piles of notebooks all signed with my name, I said. I was going to bring it up again, before I left with Jayce, I think. To argue it again, I imagine. Though I suppose I feel…differently, this morning.
I awoke with a coughing fit, and Jayce…saw a bit of blood. I panicked- of course I did, the whole night had been one such event- and told him my throat had simply been sore- that the alcohol was rough on it- that I had already been to see a physician. First, I bring him in drunk, change everything between us and then…lie to him. But it did shift my perspective. Perhaps Heimerdinger is right, perhaps someone will want something with my voice written down when…if…the inevitable happens.
But I am being equivocal, aren't I? "Someone." It is not someone. Jayce, I mean. Perhaps Jayce would want it. Perhaps he's the only reason I am writing at all, really. So that one person will remember that I existed. So that he will have at least writing if I cannot give him forever. At least…paper. Handwriting.
I have been doing equations only because my hands have been shaking too much to maneuver the gears I needed to install today. I've been hoping they won't notice, Sky and Jayce. I don't need Jayce to try and send me home. Rest isn't going to make it better. It will only waste my time. As precious and fleeting as it may be.
He said we made good connections yesterday. Not that I actually helped, beyond I suppose moral support of…standing in a corner. I can tell it wore him out enough, so I haven't yet brought up that I don't want to attend the next one of those outings.
Haven't brought up that I'm hungover, either. It's not helping the situation, certainly. The coffee is fueling me through the headache, at least. And the…thoughts. About last night. It is a bit of a blur…but I can still taste the champagne on his lips and…I don't know where we stand, really. He said he did not regret it and we joked about how Piltover Enquirer will be all over it, but I don't know what it is, really…
He looks so burnt out, today. He is good at talking to them, but I can see how much it wears him out, on top of how late it was when we started.
He has dark circles under his eyes, today, and there's a spot of stubble down by his jaw that he missed while shaving- he was probably too tired to notice. I think he is on his second cup of coffee. And the tension he's holding in his shoulders…
Přál bych si, abych mohl odstranit napětí konečky svých prstů… Kéž bych mohl pomoci…
Nemůžu uvěřit, kolik jsem toho řekl…jak jsem nemohl držet jazyk za zuby…
I need to stop staring and get back to work. I don't know what to do to help, but I can't…watch him like that. He distracts me and I only have so much time to make this dream of ours come true. That is what matters. Making sure his dream comes true And if I keep staring, I am only going to think more about that question hanging in the air of what this has become. Yes, he said he loved me but…others have said such in the heat of the moment, and we haven't… addressed it fully. And there's his offer last week to think of- when he had noticed the bruising on my throat- am I sure it goes farther than that?
I need to work. I need to stop…thinking about this. There are tests to run on the Hexclaw, and Jayce has been asking for weeks to see my notes on our studies on the HexCore- I need to take time to make a copy without all the notes in the margins.
V.
