#taking back power

[charmac]

i just read your post about charlie and dennis being csa victims and how that affects their characters-- i thought you did fantastic job with your analyses. i feel like i learned a lot and i better understand these characters now. dennis being hypersexual as a result of his assault and charlie being fearful and avoidant of sex were really insightful points that I never realized, especially the point about charlie regressing as a result of his trauma.

the point you made about dennis pursing sex as something only for HIM to enjoy was another great point, I always felt like he went for younger women and enjoyed coercing them into sex because it is the only way he could feel in control and safe while having sex, as control was so completely taken from him when he was 14 by mrs klinsky, whether he realizes it or not.

the comparison of these characters as well as their wounds is so important imo and really highlights how much this show gets right in terms of trauma. even though on it's surface iasip is just a haha funny poop joke show, i feel it is truly one of the better depictions of trauma on tv in recent times

I love hearing that something I've laid out has helped someone understand/reckon with the characters better, that's very much why I think it's worth dissecting (other than to like, just to get it out of my head lol).

Trauma response, especially related to CSA, is a really hard thing to wrap your head around outside of experience, and it's almost a little surreal to me how Sunny manages to tackle it almost absolutely to a tee (though I do think a lot of it is established in retrospect, it's still impressive they got there).

And of course, as you say, it's important to highlight these aspects of the show, not to excuse the actions of the characters (though I do think pointing these things out helps people put words/evidence as to why they feel for them when they hit low points, and why they're watchable and likeable as characters, in almost all instances), but to provide evidence of its complexity and the deep, emotional attachment people have to Sunny that they often can't explain. The "rawness" of the show is evident in so many aspects, but genuine complexity of that rawness is sometimes hard to articulate when it's baked beneath dark comedy and satire.

[divine-nonchalance]

Visualize golden white light growing like roots from your root chakra to the core of the Earth. And a stream of white light shooting from the top of your head, from your crown shakra, all the way up, flowing through the moon and sun, through the center of our galaxy and all the way back to you again.

Now imagine those two streams of light coming together in your heart.

What does that feel like?

[saltykelpie]

I propose the reverse tramp stamp- a tattoo on the small of the back that reminds the viewer they are the “tramp.”

[staringintothedeep]

I think sometimes especially nowadays one can take “selfies “ or self portraits to feel closer to oneself. Once you have a digital camera, you are never alone. You get that instant gratification of seeing the image you just took and judge yourself from every angle. Nowadays, I wouldn’t blame anyone for having body dysmorphia... with the filters added to squeeze, smooth, and stretch you to be the ideal beauty standard carbon copy. You are beautiful for you and deserve to love yourself. Demand to love yourself. 

[krishatesspacecamp]

Spite.

I will take those words and store them in a corner of my mind to remind myself that what you say holds no power over me.

I will find my strength internally and rob you of any weapon I may have allowed you in the past.

I will build myself out of spite for your misconduct and my revenge will be success on my end.

You have made me invincible, but I won’t forget the damage you have done.

I have filled the cracks in the foundation of my being with gold that will never tarnish with your cold presence.

Your actions will only hurt yourself at this point, so chose wisely as my presence might not be permanent.

Take this as a warning, I will shut your words down mid sentence.

[julescoffee]

You were not the man who abused me. But when I helped my mother kick you out of the house; you might as well have been. I finally understand what I am made of. I've never felt so empowered.

Jules Coffee, "Five Years in the Making"

[italkjustbecause-blog]

Why I love my Mom

I called my mom to wish her a happy mothers day.  After listening to her tell me creative ideas for how I can make money doing what I love, I pointed out to her that I never asked her to do that, she apologized and genuinely meant it.  Then something amazing happened, something that has never happened before.  She asked me about my love life, knowing I was dating a girl.  She asked me in a very real matter of fact way, and I didn't even detect any wincing on the other end of the phone.  I ended up having a real, normal, conversation with her about it, the type I used to have about the male type people I used to date.  She gave me valuable feedback, and completely shifted my thinking, she pointed out how much I have grown and how much I have learned from the relationship, which was monumental to me considering I went into the conversation questioning why the universe had me be in this relationship.  But I realize now, it has made me so much stronger then I could have ever imagined.

I will never give my power away so easily again.  I will never ignore my gut again.  I will never react to fear again.  I will never EVER believe I am anywhere except exactly where I am supposed to be. I will never take on fear that is not mine.  I will never make excuses for behavior that I am not okay with.  I will never try to reopen a door that it was not my choice to close.  I will never try to understand something that I know is impossible to understand.  I will never try to control something that I am powerless over.  I will never put someone else's needs before my own.  

Okay Let's be real, "never's" don't really exist, but I would like to at least try.  I feel solid and strong right now.  Still a bit sad, and in the grief process but more hopeful and excited and confident.  I'm excited to get back out there and see how I am with this new found power and faith and clarity.  Until then I am also excited to keep doing the work and spending time getting to know myself, because I am finding that myself is pretty damn rad AND, when I listen right, people are telling me that all the time.  Anyway it was nice to talk to my mom today, in many ways she is still my hero.

Oh yeah and I'll be writing more.  That's why I started this blog thing in the first place.  I think about stuff that I want to share and write about but just don't, I want to be better about that, so we'll see...