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Last night, my anxiety kept me awake longer than I would have liked. I reminded myself that it’s normal to have feelings, even feelings of anxiety. I did not shame myself for being up late or for having to breathe deeply to calm my body. Today I am tired but I am not upset with myself. I am grateful for the moments I took to tell myself that it’s okay to feel the emotions I feel.
Eight Bells by Winslow Homer, 1886
Taking the Time, a 4x18 expanded scene
Supergirl doesn't realize something is wrong until she notices the cell has gone unnaturally silent.
And then she hears the stutter in Lena's heartbeat.
When she turns, she finds Lena where she'd left her, standing tall next to the open chessboard with a journal in her hand. Except she isn't flipping through the pages looking for clues-- she's reading, and the sudden quiet is the sound of Lena not breathing.
"Lena? What did you find?"
Lena doesn't respond, but neither does she make any move to keep Supergirl from coming to read over her shoulder. Kara sees Lex's precise handwriting, arranged in bullet points as impersonal as the transaction reports found in the other books.
It takes her a moment to focus, and register the words carved into the pages.
Astounding hand-eye coordination...
Not inclined to be strategic...
Propensity for sports...
It takes another moment more to realize that that the words are describing Lena.
Kara looks at Lena, and feels her own nose burn with reflexive tears at the dampness gathering in her friend's eyes, and the tremble in her lips.
She reaches out, touching Lena's wrist with gentle fingers.
"Lena..."
Lena blinks, head lifting suddenly as though only just remembering her company. Green eyes dart up to meet Kara's, then skitter away. She doesn't close the journal.
"A list of my shortcomings... weaknesses." Lena swallows, eyes traveling the room for something-- anything-- that isn't her brother. But there is no reprieve, and there's no recourse except to return her gaze to the book in her hands.
She stares at it, and her breath returns in a shuddering inhalation.
"I meant nothing to him," Lena whispers. "Ever."
Supergirl itches to reach for her again, but fidgets awkwardly instead. She wishes she could be Kara Danvers, just for a moment, if only to offer comfort Lena might accept.
"Lena, I'm so sor--"
"I suppose I should have known," Lena cuts her off, clearing her throat and snapping the book shut. She shoves it against Supergirl's chest. Kara clutches at it in reflex. "But I'm sure somewhere in there Lex has logged 'prone to trust', which I'm sure you'll be glad for..."
"No, hey-- Lena..." This time Kara does reach for her, but Lena pulls away, bristling at her touch as her features twist with reproach-- not for Supergirl, but herself. "Hey, stop--stop!"
Lena pauses, chin ducking to hide her gaze. Kara grips her hands, willing Lena to look up. She doesn't.
"Your brother is cruel," Kara insists gently. "He is the only person who would take the best parts of you and call them weaknesses."
Kara squeezes her hands, and this time, Lena looks up, eyes glittering with tears.
"You are kind, and the ability to trust is a strength, Lena. It's easy to cut yourself off from the rest of the world-- it takes so much more to open yourself up to it. And because you have, you've done so much more than Lex ever did."
"What, like start an alien invasion?" Lena sneers. "Play into the hands of the world's most heinous villain?"
"You cured cancer. You thwarted an invasion. You saved the aliens of National City twice. In one year."
Lena scoffs.
"You are not just good, Lena. You're great." Kara lets her words sit, and after a moment, Lena's shoulders softened. "Lex saw it. It's why he worked so hard to keep you with him. But he failed, Lena. You are the way you are in spite of him. You won, long before he ever went to prison."
The anger quickly bleeds from Lena, and for a moment she looks smaller than Kara's ever seen her before.
"You know... when he was sick I knew it was all lip service-- that he'd say anything to say his own skin, but--" Lena's voice roughened, as her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. "Part of me still..."
She trails off, and after a moment, she blinks and the tears disappear and Lena pulls her hands free with a clear of her throat.
"It doesn't matter," Lena says curtly. She wipes her nose, and turns back to the cell, laid in shambles around them. "Let's just get this over with."
Kara lets her go, and swallows the protests and affirmations bubbling in her throat. She takes a deep breath, and gets back to work.
Imagine Loki taking the time to help you revise for your driving test
