Diagnosed January 2021
Symptoms: 9/9
“Quiet” Borderline
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Ask me anything I’m an open book.
Symptom Update: 5/9 ❤️
Symptom Update: 0/9 ❤️❤️ In Remission

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@aborderlineblog
Diagnosed January 2021
Symptoms: 9/9
“Quiet” Borderline
He/him
Ask me anything I’m an open book.
Symptom Update: 5/9 ❤️
Symptom Update: 0/9 ❤️❤️ In Remission
I had a hard couple of days. I woke up so anxious I was ill, my girlfriend and I argued, and I called into work. I’ve been reminding myself that I’m doing my best, that everyone has hard moments, and I’ve reached out to my supports. While these moments have been challenging, I know I can make it through.
Something that helps
If you blurt out something that you thought would be funny but it comes across as insensitive, just quickly say, “I’m sorry, that was rude, what I meant was…”
If you say something in anger or frustration, take a breath and say, “I’m sorry, that was hurtful, let me rephrase…”
If you say something heartfelt, but it comes across as insincere or ironic, say “That sounds like I’m just saying it, but I’m being truly honest…”
If you accidentally tell the waiter “enjoy your meal” just laugh and say a quick “so sorry, my brain isn’t working today!” and you will most likely get a commiserating chuckle in return.
Most of the time, the other person will accept your apology with no harm done. Sometimes they even insist they understood what you meant the first time and clarification was not needed. At times, maybe they have a right to be upset, but it never hurts to apologize again so they know that you’re taking their feelings into account.
Repeat after me. It’s okay to be bad at conversation. Knowing how to apologize makes it easier.
sometimes we make mistakes and have no explanation as to why. we just mess up. that’s okay!! you don’t need a reason to mess up other than the fact that you are human.
Hey. You know how sometimes you might not feel up to talking? Even to those you love dearly?
It might be you feeling tired, drained or just not social. But it doesn’t mean you’ve stopped caring about your loved ones.
Well, that happens to your loved ones too. Sometimes they aren’t up to talking but still love you.
So, when you’re feeling anxious about someone not responding, try and remind your brain of that. They are allowed to have their downtime to themselves and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you.
I think for a lot of us, recovery isn’t about not having triggers anymore or not having symptoms. I think it’s about how we learn to react to those things. Focus on giving yourself credit for learning to cope with things in a healthier way and stop beating yourself up for experiencing symptoms or emotions in the first place.
I’m about to save you thousands of dollars in therapy by teaching you what I learned paying thousands of dollars for therapy:
It may sound woo woo but it’s an important skill capitalism and hyper individualism have robbed us of as human beings.
Learn to process your emotions. It will improve your mental health and quality of life. Emotions serve a biological purpose, they aren’t just things that happen for no reason.
1. Pause and notice you’re having a big feeling or reaching for a distraction to maybe avoid a feeling. Notice what triggered the feeling or need for a distraction without judgement. Just note that it’s there. Don’t label it as good or bad.
2. Find it in your body. Where do you feel it? Your chest? Your head? Your stomach? Does it feel like a weight everywhere? Does it feel like you’re vibrating? Does it feel like you’re numb all over?
3. Name the feeling. Look up an emotion chart if you need to. Find the feeling that resonates the most with what you’re feeling. Is it disappointment? Heartbreak? Anxiety? Anger? Humiliation?
4. Validate the feeling. Sometimes feelings misfire or are disproportionately big, but they’re still valid. You don’t have to justify what you’re feeling, it’s just valid. Tell yourself “yeah it makes sense that you feel that right now.” Or something as simple as “I hear you.” For example: If I get really big feelings of humiliation when I lose at a game of chess, the feeling may not be necessary, but it is valid and makes sense if I grew up with parents who berated me every time I did something wrong. So I could say “Yeah I understand why we are feeling that way given how we were treated growing up. That’s valid.”
5. Do something with your body that’s not a mental distraction from the feeling. Something where you can still think. Go on a walk. Do something with your hands like art or crochet or baking. Journal. Clean a room. Figure out what works best for you.
6. Repeat, it takes practice but is a skill you can learn :)
Other people needing time to themselves is not a reflection on you. Some people need time alone when they’re overwhelmed or otherwise dealing with stressful things.
Also adding onto this that sometimes people need time to themselves just because.
A lot of people expect prompt responses with technology nowadays and that’s not realistic or fair. People are allowed to take time for themselves and not answer messages right away.
It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving you.
The other day, I made a mistake. I told myself that I needed to accept what I had done and allow myself to move on. I recognized I wasn’t perfect and decided to make a different choice next time. It’s okay to make mistakes, I am human.
Instead of "but that's not real", you should try responding to a psychotic persons distress with:
That sounds really scary. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I can't imagine how scared I'd be if it was me.
Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it can't be easy to open up about it, and I'm glad you felt comfortable telling me
You can tell me more about it if you want to. I promise not to judge you, invalidate you or panic
Is there anything I can do to help you feel safer? Any way I can help support you through this?
By the way, you’re worthy now.
Not when you’ve healed. Not even when you started your healing journey. You don’t need to be in a certain place on your healing journey.
You are worthy now, as you are. You don’t need to “earn it”.
One key part of relationships (platonic, romantic, etc) is communication. We all hear this. It’s said constantly. Communication.
But there’s a difference between proper communication and well… not proper communication.
There’s a difference between saying:
“I’m feeling insecure because my brain is being rude. It’s not your fault, but could you please give me some reassurance?”
And
“I’m so worthless. No one cares about me. Why do I even try?”
If you want someone to be there for you, please ask them. Don’t hint at it. Don’t guilt at it. I know asking directly can be scary but it is usually so much less draining for both of you than having to play a guessing game. The latter example is not proper communication. You may think the message is clear, but other people’s minds don’t work the same as yours. With that said, maybe the message is clear but the person feels really drained by the way you’re going about it and won’t engage because of that. And that’s super valid.
If you have needs in a relationship, please communicate them clearly and don’t expect people to read your mind.
If you struggle with this, it’s okay. I promise you can learn and do better. And you aren’t terrible and irredeemable. This stuff is hard if you weren’t taught proper communication skills.
I used to seek reassurance in unhealthy ways and now I’ve worked on it and I can’t remember the last time I did that!
You will not stay stuck in the same patterns forever. You are capable of change. It might be small and you may not be able to see the change day to day, but over time things will get better.
Examples of Irrational Thoughts/Cognitive Distortions:
These are common errors in thinking. And sometimes these distortions can cause us distress or other strong emotions.
Black and White Thinking: This is all or nothing thinking. For example, if you see yourself as failing at one thing, you think it makes you a failure at everything. "I didn't pass my driver's test. I can't ever do anything right."
Overgeneralization: This is where if one thing happens that is bad, you assume all things will be bad. For example, "I woke up late this morning. This day is doomed to be terrible."
Ignoring the Positive: You disqualify any positive and focus on the negative. Maybe you got an A on a test, but are disregarding that because you messed up somewhere else.
Jumping to Conclusions: You ignore facts in favour of your own interpretations. You may assume your friend hates you despite them inviting you to the movies the day before because they gave you a short response.
Mind Reading: This is making a conclusion about how someone else is feeling. "My friend hates me. I can tell."
Possibilities to Cope with Irrational Thoughts / Cognitive Distortions
Check the Facts: Here’s a post I wrote on this.
Challenging Irrational Thoughts: Here’s a post I wrote about this.
Examine the Evidence: Here’s a post on this.
You’ll likely find that most of these possibilities are very similar. One of the more common ways to deal with thoughts like the above is to use evidence and logic because it gives our brain something solid to use. Just telling ourselves that our thoughts aren’t real isn’t often helpful enough whereas evidence can help make it more convincing.
I’m going to include a couple other links I think may be helpful:
Emotional Permanence: Here’s a post on it. This one I think is important to understand because if we lack emotional permanence then it makes it that much easier to forget about anything other than the feelings in the current moment which make reinforce any negative thoughts.
Needing Reassurance: Sometimes our distorted thoughts lead us to second guessing our loved ones. Here’s a post about that, how to cope with it, and how to get reassurance in a healthy way if needed.
Some General Tips:
Learn about the different types of irrational thinking and cognitive distortions. (I don’t have them all listed). Being able to recognize them can be helpful itself. I find when I’m able to realize it’s a cognitive distortion, I’m able to move beyond it easier.
Keep a list of our accomplishments that you add to. This can be helpful in times we need reminders if we often have thoughts about us being a failure anytime we make a mistake.
Keep screenshots of loved ones and/or lists of things they’ve done that make you feel cared for. This can be helpful if we often have doubting thoughts about loved ones as a result of our cognitive distortions.
Think about what you’d tell a friend. If a friend failed a test, would I think they were a failure?
Sit with the discomfort. Sometimes, we know a thought is irrational and all we can do is get through it. Telling myself “it’s an irrational thought. I can sit with it. I don’t need to act on it” can be helpful. Acting on my feelings to irrational thoughts often damages my relationships or has other negative effects. But as uncomfortable as the thoughts are, learning to just sit with them instead of acting on them prevents some negative consequences.
Journaling. You can journal about your thoughts and feelings for a set amount of time a day and then mark the irrational thoughts. This can help us learn to recognize them when we’re having them.
Focus on something else. Sometimes the thoughts are too distressing and the best thing we can do is distract ourselves. You could reach out to a friend, watch a favourite show, enjoy an activity, etc.
You deserve to be proud of your progress. Even if no one else knows about it, or can see it. It doesn't change the fact that it's there. And I bet you've made more progress than you even realize.
Today I reminded myself of what I value. In situations where I start to have big emotions it helps me to remember what’s important to me. I remind myself that I value relationships over being right. I remind myself I value stability over impulsive choices. Telling myself what’s most important helps keep things in perspective.
10 Tips to Get Through A Crisis Without Making it Worse
If you can solve the problem, solve it!
Remember that distracting and self-soothing skills aren’t going to make the problem go away; if you’re getting through the crisis without making it worse, you’re acting skillfully!
Be sure to make a list of your distracting and self-soothing skills, and use it. When you’re acting from your emotional self, it’s hard to think about how to get yourself through the situation.
Keep your list of skills handy, because you never know when you’re going to need it; also, make the list as long as you possibly can in order to offer more options.
When thinking of ways to distract yourself, think of activities that will be at least somewhat enjoyable for you. And remember, the point is to distract your attention from the crisis, so if the activity you’re doing isn’t distracting you, try something else.
Remember that the way not to think about something isn’t to try not to think about it. When you notice distressing thoughts creeping into your mind, just acknowledge them and distract yourself with an activity; the thoughts will go away on their own.
Although more difficult to practice when your emotions are intense, mindfulness can be helpful in getting you through a crisis. Don’t throw it out just because it’s hard!
Self-soothing not only helps during a crisis situation but is also good self-care that will help to prevent crises from arising. The better care you take of yourself, the better you’ll be able to manage your emotions, so that even when difficult situations arise, you’ll be more capable of handling them.
Before your next crisis, make a list of the reasons you don’t want to engage in your old problem behaviors; that way, when the crisis hits, you can pull out your list and read it to yourself to help you not to act on your urge.
Remember that the skills for distracting yourself in a crisis are meant for temporary use only; if you’re using them regularly, you’re no longer distracting yourself in a crisis but practicing avoidance!
Taken from Calming the Emotional Storm by Sheri Van Dijk, MSW. pp.123-124