I'm going to hell for these, but at least I just found them on Facebook rather than making them myself.
If this is a tough day for you personally, I wish you the best and good luck on your healing journey. I came very close to losing two cousins, they were both late to work. One because he missed a train in and the other because he had a massive hangover. A friend's uncle wasn't so lucky, but died heroically carrying folks in wheelchairs down the stairs of the North Tower. So, anyway, yeah. Some of us process tragedy through humor.
*trigger warning - don't read this if you get sucked up over your religious beliefs. You have been warned."
"I was on Pornhub last night with my girl and we stumbled across a porno with Jesus in it.. it was weird cause his dick couldn't get past her pussy lips and the girl asks, what's the problem? And Jesus simply smiles and says I walk on water and it's a waterfall down there. I guess I'm turned on but I can't turn it off."
Tasteless jokes.. if you can't laugh at shit like that then you are way too uptight. Jesus partied with hookers and thieves and the worst people around.. I'll bet you he would laugh his ass off at that and then give me some parable about how it's good to make people laugh but I should think deeper about the people that I affect with jokes like that, haha.. I'll bet he had a great sense of humor, especially when he was drunk - eUë - Lame joke Dujour
Summary: A fall from Toothless causes Hiccup to get a collapsed lung. Eventually, bellows get used.
Fandom: How To Train Your Dragon
Pairing: None
Word Count: 1046
Rating: Teen
Warnings: Tasteless Jokes About Breasts, Swearing, Injuries, Inaccurate Medical Procedures
Disclaimer: I don’t own the source material in this fanfic. That’s to whatever company or person owns it. I would never claim to own it.
Notes: There are probable influences from fandom and whatnot in this story. Written for Bad Things Happen Bingo @badthingshappenbingo for the space “Hiding An Illness” and Whumptober @whumptober-archive Day 8 for the prompt: “pneumothorax”. This takes place during Race to the Edge. This is also on AO3.
And it is below.
Hiccup had fallen off Toothless. Again. He had done this a lot since the age of fifteen. To him, it was no big deal. It was just an occupational hazard of being a Dragon Rider.
From what he remembered of this fall was that he hit the ground with his chest. Yeah, there was a rather large bruise on one side of his chest, but he assumed his pectoral muscle had softened the injury.
So, he went about his business, doing whatever he usually did on the Edge.
But, while he had been doing his normal activities, stuff like metalwork, stable duties, flying dragons, and cooking and cleaning, he found himself with the occasional chest pain, where it would hurt in his chest region.
At one point, Snotlout caught him touching his chest and said, “What’s a matter, Haddock? Your boob hurt?” And then laughed.
He suspected Snotlout was merely making a tasteless joke, so he simply responded with exclaiming out “Snotlout!” like he was scolding him.
But Hiccup also was not about to admit that Snotlout was very close to the truth. Nor was he about to admit he was actually hurt or anything like that. He just hit the ground a little too hard this time. He was fine.
He had shit to do. Dragons to save. Hunters to fight.
And as he sat at the table in the Clubhouse, maybe a day or so after Snotlout’s tasteless joke, while he was having a meal with the Riders, he found himself having trouble breathing.
Breathing should have been something that didn’t cross his mind, period. But he found himself having to stop eating for a few moments so he could attempt to breathe in more air. Frequently.
But something felt off and he couldn’t quite figure it out.
He really hoped no one was noticing.
But, of course, he was friends with the likes of Astrid Hofferson.
“Hiccup, are you okay?” she asked. “You keep having to breathe deeply?”
He could see Fishlegs and Snotlout watching him, and the twins nodding like they also noticed too.
“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Hiccup said. Probably a lie.
And then he had to do the thing he had been doing all meal.
Damnit.
“Quit lying, asshole,” Snotlout said.
“Snotlout!” Astrid said.
“You saw it!” Snotlout exclaimed.
“I did but—” Astrid began.
“Hiccup, are you having trouble breathing?” Fishlegs said, interrupting Astrid.
“And don’t lie!” Snotlout exclaimed.
“I… uh, feel like I can’t get enough air into my lungs?” Hiccup exclaimed.
“Didn’t I see you grab your chest recently?” Snotlout asked.
“Yeah, and you made a boob joke,” Hiccup replied.
“Love a good boob joke,” Tuffnut said.
“Yup!” Ruffnut said.
“Are you having chest pain?” Fishlegs asked.
Hiccup hesitated.
“Just answer him, Hiccup,” Astrid said, impatiently.
“Fine, yes!” Hiccup exclaimed. And then he tried to breathe again. It still felt like not enough.
“Bed, now!” Astrid exclaimed. She said pointing to the door, sharply.
The other Dragon Riders followed Hiccup (who decided to not to walk but rather ride Toothless, who did the walking for him) to his hut, to make sure he did what Astrid yelled at him.
“Make him take his clothes off!” Ruffnut exclaimed.
“You just wanna see Hiccup shirtless,” Tuffnut replied.
“Yeah, and?” Ruffnut retorted.
“You heard her,” Astrid said. “Top clothes go off. We have to get a good look at your chest.”
Once his armor and tunic were off, there was a collective hiss among the Riders at the bruise on his chest.
“May I touch your chest?” Fishlegs asked.
Hiccup nodded, sitting up
Fishlegs carefully started touching Hiccup’s chest, both on areas that were not bruised and areas that were bruised, along the ribs.
Fishlegs placed his hand on Hiccup’s chest and requested that he breathe.
He did so.
Astrid watched this and then saw Fishlegs’ look of alarm. He even looked directly at her with that look of alarm.
“What?” Astrid asked.
“He has a collapsed lung,” Fishlegs said. “Ruff, Tuff, can you take Toothless for a long flight, please?”
“Hey, hey, hey! Why are the twins getting to go on a flight with Toothless?” Hiccup asked.
“Because I don’t want Toothless getting upset for what we’re going to have to do!” Fishlegs whispered back.
“What do we have to do?” Astrid asked, uneasy.
“Toothless, please go with the twins,” Fishlegs requested.
If a dragon could have crossed his arms, Fishlegs believed that Toothless would have done it.
“Hey, Toothless, take us on a flight, huh?” Ruffnut asked.
“Sorry, bud,” Hiccup said.
Toothless hissed at Fishlegs and seconds later, was pressing his face to Hiccup’s affectionately.
Once he was satisfied with this, he left the loft in what could only be described as a huff, the twins hurrying down the steps after him.
“So, what do we have to do?” Snotlout asked.
“We’re gonna have to pierce his chest to get out excess air from his lung cavity,” Fishlegs said.
Snotlout winced.
“Get my bellows,” Hiccup suggested. He struggled with his breath.
“What?” Astrid asked.
“Gobber used bellows to get the Scauldron venom out of Mildew’s butt,” Hiccup reminded them.
Fishlegs nodded, understanding what he meant.
Astrid retrieved Hiccup’s bellows.
“Snotlout, Astrid, hold him down,” Fishlegs said.
Snotlout laid across Hiccup’s legs, Astrid had a firm grip on Hiccup’s shoulders.
Fishlegs took the bellows, found an empty space between some ribs, and then—
Hiccup screamed loudly and repeatedly, hating that there was more pain.
Snotlout whined, hating the sound.
“We’re sorry!” Snotlout exclaimed, unable to take it.
“You’re okay, you’re okay,” Astrid whispered, in an attempt to be comforting to Hiccup.
Hiccup managed to let out a growl at them before sobbing, as Fishlegs gently pulled air from his chest into the bellows.
Occasionally Fishlegs would pull out the bellows, let the air out of it, and then stick it back in the same hole, which by this time would only earn him a soft “ow” from Hiccup, who felt exhausted.
“When we’re done with this, you’re still gonna have to stay in bed,” Fishlegs said. “No flying.”
“Fuck you,” Hiccup said.
“Hiccup,” Astrid chided.
“Sorry,” Hiccup said. He let out a sigh.
His eyes grew wide, and everyone in the room caught it.
I am losing my mind at the sudden influx of Star Wars memes that have been flooding my Facebook feed. And I’m totally cool with it.
For example
In Angels and Demons, Ewan McGregors character sets himself on fire. And the first thing that popped in MY head was Vader pointing and going THAT’S HOW IT FEELS ASSHOLE
