Add "pew pew!" to anything and I'm helpless. A mugger could say, "Gimme yer cash! Pew pew!" and I would. Right after clapping and giggling.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 92
Rest easy, America. Congress will get your tax dollars back from AIG and waste them in a far less visible way.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74
My wife is on the phone with a friend and they're talking to each other.
IN REAL LIFE.
Freaks.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65
‘Writing an iphone app’ appears to have become the new ‘working on a screenplay’.
@textism (Dean Cameron Allen) – 61
It turns out they'll print anything you want on a business card. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about this. I'm an astronaut.
@trelvix (Trelvix) – 59
"Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration."
- sweaty dumb guy
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56
Was surprised to see my last missed call was from my brother's pet bunny. Then realized I checked my camera, not my cell.
@crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 53
Marriage is like a friends with benefits relationship without the benefits.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52
Follow Friday makes no sense to me because I really, sincerely, consider us all to be in competition with each other.
@CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51
When I was a lad, I always imagined that conjugal visits would involve more edible lingerie and less shoving a crying baby in my face.
@fireland (Joshua Allen) – 50
Wit, n.: the delicate art of subtly steering a conversation in the direction of the hilarious pun you came up with three weeks ago.
@dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 47
Wild horses couldn't drag me away.
I mean, how would you harness them to me? They're wild.
They could gallop at me menacingly. Then I'd go.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46
A coworker asked me if I've "heard of Twitter". I told her I had, and that it "looks cool". This is how it starts. ...and ends.
@luckyshirt (Luckyshirt) – 44
Ever click on a web ad by mistake, and then worry that the entire Internet economy depends on people doing what you just did?
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 42
Profoundly funny tweet #1357516286 (?)
@luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 41
This bra makes my boobs so pointy, I like to imagine they're laser blasters and hear *pew pew* in my head every time I face someone.
@ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 39
"How many beers have you had?"
Look. For the last time, people. Just because I wear glasses, it doesn't mean I'm good at math.
@yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 39
Microsoft would be a horrible name for a brand of condoms.
@joeschmidt (Joe Schmidt) – 39
Some guy poked my tummy at the bar & I reflexively did the Pillsbury Doughboy giggle. Thinking about quitting cookies.
@crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 36
Today's Mr. Rogers' birthday & I just changed my sweater & shoes in his memory. I changed pants too but that was cause I spilled my nachos.
@gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 36