* the angst thing for @thcrnedroses.
at the dinner table getting hounded with his father’s screaming about how everyone in town has been telling him all about his reckless driving and then starting in next on who this girl is that keeps calling, hounding him if it’s a serious girl, i don’t have any stupid girl is what he gritted through his teeth for a response after he listened to this lecture of how girls are a waste of time and distracting him from what’s really important for the last five minutes: school school school. but it was the no i fucking didn’t! when he started back in on the speeding and threatening to take the car away is what it took to get a punishment of his life time-- snapping back at his father or not-- it’s what neil did next is what was coming anyway. this just gave him the final 'reasoning’ to beat billy into next year. he didn’t even ask him what he just smart mouthed back, he just went straight into going ballistic. billy FLINCHES-- neil smacking the plate of untouched dinner off the table, the food going flying and landing in all different spots while the plate breaks with a loud crash. gravy smeared across the cabinets and green beans on every end of the kitchen floor, before getting jerked up out of the chair by his arm and slung into the floor with the green beans. his other other arm trying to cover his head in self defense, it’s the only thing he can think of to do... his mind always goes weak when he’s the one being abused. it’s strange he never thinks to fight back only when it comes to this man, his mind just shuts off and he turns into this helpless five year old again despite having so much strength now to overpower the devil. no, don’t cover your face! take your punishment like a man! that’s what this awful father screams before jerking his son’s arm away from his face. his last defense gone, now freely being punched in the face. over and over and over again until he feels like he might really die by the hand of his own father finally. spitting up the blood into his face gets neil close to murder, but gives him a last kick in the gut and spews murder from his lips instead, you’re not worth the jail time. you’ve never been worth anything. not. a. single. damn. thing! not in my life, not in no one’s life! while he wipes the blood off his hands with a wash cloth from the sink before throwing it at him. and that’s what has tears stinging at his eyes as he looks up at the white ceiling once neil storms off. not his body in pain from his father’s fresh beating, but his mind in even worse pain being called worthless for the thousandth and final time. eventually he picks himself up off the floor, leaning against the living room wall once he comes stumbling in, hissing through the pain, since i’m so worthless, you won’t see me again! i’ll get rid of ALL of your problems, DAD! and for a second he pathetically thought his father might be worried that he’s planning to kill himself. but instead, he sees him coming for him in another fit of rage. turning immediately, he’s never ran so scared before. not since he’s been far younger and used to run like this before he started just becoming numb to being beaten and ‘taking it like a man’. this time he’s running because he doesn’t want to die by his fist, he wants to die, but not by him. with his body in so much pain, he’s not even sure how he makes it on the porch and down the snow covered street WITHOUT him catching him. at first the cold air was inviting to his hot inflamed cheeks and the angry swell of a C shape forming under his left eye, until he’s walking and slipping, out of this neighborhood to the very end of it where railroad tracks are. then that’s when his feet quickly turn off cold, his converses soaked through from the snow, freezing him to the bone. all he has on to shield himself against the snowstorm that has to come on all nights of wanting to escape is jeans and the leather jacket he quickly grabbed out of the back of the camaro he had to leave behind in the driveway, along with the blue scarf he’s wrapped around his tender neck after almost getting choked to death. the gloves, he couldn’t grab so his hands are just bare. finally, he’s defeated and sits on the train tracks covered in a few inches of snow already, the snow immediately soaking into his jeans. nose and fingers turning red with frost bite, shivering until it’s painful. guessing this is one or three ways to die. there’s no way he’ll escape death from either hypothermia, being ran over by a train or being ran over a car since he’s sitting in the middle of a road. he’s thought about dying so many times, thought it out a million ways how he could end his life and yet...it never looked like this. shivering in the middle of a road with snow continuing to pour down and beginning to freeze him until the point he thinks he’s finally feeling his heart go into shock. he hears WORTHLESS playing over inside his head a million times and decides to just welcome it as he falls back into the snow, head taking a hit to the ground, writhing and shivering as he briefly stares up at the sky. watching a thousand snowflakes flutter down on top of him so peacefully, but violently take a toll on his body. closing his eyes, the white flakes piling on to dark eyelashes, it’s nice it’ll be the last thing he sees before he dies tonight. it’ll be a peaceful image, even if it’s going to be a long painful way out. can’t be anymore painful than what he’s endured his entire life....his life has prepared him for this moment. it finally gets to the point, mother nature is doing him a favor by freezing him out of his thoughts, he can’t even think about his father, the brutal marks his face, arms and neck is covered with. he can’t think of anything except how cold it is, how very cold....it is. how it hurts to breathe, every small breath he takes is a sharp feeling, like a knife slicing his lungs each time he inhales and exhales.
