i'm too scared to say...
in which kayce dutton loses the girl he should've had…
PAIRING: kayce dutton x fem!reader, young kayce dutton x young fem!reader WARNINGS: young love, realization, ANGST ANGST ANGST, CRAZY amounts of yearning, cussing, arguing, regret, did i mention angst? (dear arthur letter) WORD COUNT: 4.4k
🎶 : when i picture you - chappell roan
when i picture you
AN: 🩵💗♥️ - by young I mean 18, about to go to college young!! there is a second (modern) part of this, so stay tuned!!
The air nipped at Kayce’s cheeks as him, his father, and their search party trotted back to the ranch. It was nearly 10, at the least, he assumed. He could see a figure in the distance, her skirt billowing in the wind as she (he assumed) pulled his Carhartt jacket closer for warmth. He suddenly felt warmer knowing that she was waiting for him. Then worry ran through his veins. How long had she been waiting there for him?
His father groaned. “Christ, Kayce. Just got back and she’s already waitin’ after you.”
He fought the urge to snap at his father. “She’s excited, that’s all.” Kayce stayed diligently beside him, but he itched to race the rest of the distance and pull her into his arms.
“Well go on then.”
Kayce grinned. “Really?”
“I can see your mind moving a hundred miles an hour. Just-” He sighed, laughing as he spoke. “Make sure to bring her up for dinner.”
“Yes, sir.”
He waited for no further instruction, kicking his horse to gallop at full speed. There she stood, as radiant as ever, right at the gate. He jumped off, catching her in his arms. He grinned, kissing her rosy cheeks. “Hi, baby.”
“I was worried about you.” She giggled as he kissed her between every word. “Was your trip- Mmph!”
Good, he thought. All he thought about since he’d left was kissing her, and her adorable speech was getting in the way of that. Her eyes fluttered shut, and he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her even closer.
He tilted his hat up, leaning his forehead against hers. “I’m trying to kiss you, and you keep talking.”
“I’m sorry, I just-” She laughed, pushing him away half heartedly when he inched toward her lips again. “Kayce!”
“Let me look at you.” She rolled her eyes, obliging him by spinning in a circle. “Just as perfect as I left you.”
“It’s been two days, Kayc.” She glared.
“Really?” He smirked, pulling her and JR toward the stables. “With that welcome, you woulda thought I went to war.”
“If you’re going to tease…” She muttered, releasing his hand and leaning against JR’s stable door. She’d always found it sweet, the way Kayce took care of his horse. Still, she couldn’t let him think he’d won. “Maybe next time, I won’t be there to welcome you.”
He laughed, patting JR on the side before shutting her stable doors. He turned around, swinging his arm around Y/N’s shoulders and pulling her up to the lodge. “Empty threats, baby.”
His smile was beautiful, she’d always made a point to tell him so. She enjoyed seeing his cheeks grow red, and words fail to leave his mouth.
When they were younger, they’d get into mud fights, and she swore his smile had never been brighter.
She was wrong, of course. If you’d asked Kayce, he would’ve said his smile was brighter than when she was in his sights.
The lodge was eerily quiet, but then again, it had been that way since Beth and Jamie left. All that was left now was Kayce, Lee, and Mr.Dutton.
And of course, Gator. Sweet Gator.
Kayce took his arm off her, pulling her chair out. Y/N laughed, kissing his cheek. “You’ve raised such a gentleman, Mr.Dutton.”
Lee laughed, taking a sip of his bourbon as he shook his head. Kayce glared at his older brother, sitting beside his girlfriend. “Why are you laughin'?”
“You’re a gentleman.” Lee wiggled his eyebrows. “I never would have guessed.”
“You wouldn’t know one if he stood right in front of you.” Kayce shot back. “I-”
“Kayc?” Y/N interupted. “He’s just teasing.”
Mr. Dutton rarely responded to her comments, let alone spoke at the dinner table. Instead, he opted to sit back and observe his children, and their occasional guests. He used to be rowdy, she reminisced on simpler times when Mrs. Dutton had made everyone giggle with ease.
Even her now stoic husband.
“How was the trip, Mr. Dutton?” Y/N asked as she cut her steak into pieces. “Did you find the lost cattle?”
Lee winced, and she looked over to her boyfriend, his eyes wide. Shit.
Mr. Dutton leaned back in his chair. “Found half dead.”
“Oh.” The air felt thick, and she suddenly felt the urge to race out of the room. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“Not your fault.” He forced a smile. “Suppose Kayce forgot to tell you then.”
“Yes, sir.”
“How has school been treating you?” He pretended to be interested in her from time to time. This had been the fifteenth time that he’d asked her about school - this month. “Kayce tells me you're one of the smart ones.”
She smiled shyly. “Well, I wouldn’t say that…”
“Tell him how you can speak Latin, baby.” Kayce looked at his dad, proud as ever. “She can speak Latin.”
“I can read Latin, Kayc, not speak it.” Y/N placed her hand over his. “I’ve applied to five schools so far. Should be hearing back any day now.”
“What schools?”
“I’ve applied to Yale, Stanford, NYU, Vanderbilt, and Montana State. Hopefully for Political Science, and then Law during grad school.”
Mr. Dutton raised an eyebrow. “Montana State for law?”
“Yes, sir.”
“For the last time, Y/N, it’s John.”
She smiled. “Montana State is the best college in the state.”
“It’s one of the only colleges in the state.” He laughed. “That can’t be your top choice.”
“It’s not, but still...” She hoped he didn’t dive further into the subject, she could feel where this was going. She’d only told her father this, but she only applied to MU to be closer to Kayce. “Just an option.”
“Your father wants you closer to home then?”
“My father encouraged out-of-state schools. Wanted me to gain experience in the ‘real world’ or something like that.”
The older man laughed. “I told Beth and Jamie to do the same.”
Kayce squeezed her hand tightly, and she looked over, whispering. “You alright?” He nodded quickly, not even bothering to meet her eyes. She frowned. “Kayce-”
“It’s alright, baby.” He let go of her hand so quickly you would have guessed it had been on fire. “Eat up, your steak’s gettin’ cold.”
Kayce hadn’t looked up from his plate for the rest of the night.
Unfortunately, that meant for Y/N (besides her boyfriend ignoring her) that she had had to make conversation with Lee and Mr. Dutton by herself. He just stared at his plate, picking at his food like he wasn’t hungry. After the hundredth time of trying to get his attention, she realized that she should probably just leave. She sat her napkin down, smoothing out her dress. “I should be getting home.”
Mr. Dutton nodded. “Tell your father I said hello.”
“Will do.” She stood up and waved goodbye. “Lee.”
“See you, Y/N.”
She pushed her chair in, staring at Kayce. “Kayce?” He refused to look up, and she scoffed, storming out of the house.
“You best go after her.”
Kayce glared at his older brother. “Why?”
“Cause you’ve been ignoring her all night, that’s why.” Lee leaned forward in his seat. “She is the best chance you got, and you just let her leave.”
“We’ll talk in the morning.”
Lee held his hands up in surrender. “Fine. It’s your funeral.”
Kayce almost immediately stood up, following after her. Lee smirked. “Stupid kid.”
“Y/N!” She rolled her eyes, stalking toward her car. “Baby, come on!”
“Don’t baby me!” She yelled over her shoulder. “You just ignored me for two hours, Kayce John Dutton!”
“Baby-”
“I said don’t baby me.” She whipped around, eyes wild with anger or embarrassment, he couldn’t tell. “Or do your ears need cleaning out?”
“My ears are just fine.” He sighed. “I’m sorry, okay?”
“What exactly are you sorry for?” She raised an eyebrow. “Because you don’t seem sorry to me.”
“I-” He groaned. “What do you want me to say, Y/N?”
“Well, not that. Because that was the wrong answer, Dutton.” She laughed, although there was no humor present. “Come find me when you do know.” She turned back toward her car, unlocking it and pulling on the handle. She’d almost shut the door when his hand grabbed the top, stopping her from her escape.
“We’re fine, right?”
“Kayce, just let me go.” She let go of the door, staring at the wheel with a newfound interest. “We’ll talk when you know.”
“I- I do know.”
“Please share with the class.”
“I don’t want you to have to settle.”
That had shocked her. She looked up, staring into his eyes. “Settle?”
“You’re so smart, baby.” He crouched down, taking her hand in his. “So smart, much more than me. You applied to Yale and I only applied to Montana. Hell, I might not even get in.”
“Don’t say that.” She frowned, her exterior cracking as she turned in her seat, facing him and pushing a hair out of his face. “You’re every bit as smart as me.”
“Don’t-” He scoffed. “You and I know that's true. It’s not a bad thing. You could probably run the world if you wanted to.”
“Not a real job.” She murmured, laughing as Kayce glared at her playfully. “But I appreciate the sentiment.” She put her hands on his cheeks, caressing his cheeks. “You’re sweet for thinking that though, Kayce.”
“Thank you-”
“Just-” Her eyes looked sad. “Don’t put yourself down for me, okay? You really are just as smart. In different areas, sure. But…” She smiled, leaning down and kissing him gently. “Just as smart.”
“Whatever you say, sweetheart.” He stood up, shutting her door and leaning through her open window. “Tell your father I said hello.”
“I will.” He nodded. “And Kayce?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“I love you.”
"I love you, too."
“I don’t know about this.” Y/N tensed up as Kayce led JR around the pen. “I feel like I’m gonna fall off.”
“If you’re tense, the horse is tense.” He smiled, placing a reassuring hand on her thigh. “Just relax.”
“That’s helpful.” She glared. “Why didn’t I think of that earlier?”
“Sass doesn’t make the horse calmer either.” He laughed. “Put your hand on her side, and pet her gently.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“Good, good. Now just feel her breath with yours.” Y/N visibly calmed down, and he fought the grin that begged to peek out. “See that? You’re one and the same.”
“Yeah.” She smiled, humming and closing her eyes.
“Might not want to do that, baby.”
“Why not?” She hummed. “Because I’m not steering anymore.”
“What?” Her eyes shot up, and discovered he was true to his word. Kayce was no longer leading JR, but standing in the middle of the pen, laughing at her. “That’s not funny Kayce!”
“I don’t know. It was pretty funny to me.” He yelled back. “Go a little faster why don’t you?”
“How?”
“Lightly squeeze your legs!” The horse sped up almost instantly, and he grinned. “Good job, baby!”
“I’m doing it!” She practically squealed. “Kayc, are you watching?”
“Yes, baby.” He laughed. “Yes, I’m watching.”
“This is so fun!” She yelled. “Why didn’t you teach me sooner?”
“Ms. Y/N!” Kayce turned around, Lloyd waving an envelope in the air. “Your father came by, said he had a letter for you.”
Y/N raced over to the other side of the pen, taking the envelope from Lloyd’s hand, and muttering thank you. Kayce sauntered over, looking up at her hands.
“What is it?”
She shrugged. “Dunno. I’ll look at it later.”
He tilted his head. “You sure? If your dad dropped it off it must be-”
“Can we go on a ride?” She interrupted. Kayce didn’t miss the way she was skirting around the letter. But he could never turn down a ride, never. “Please?”
“Sure baby. Scoot back.”
“Why?”
“I don’t think you’re quite ready for a ride all by yourself.”
She scoffed, sticking her tongue out playfully. “You don’t believe in me, you can just say it.”
Their spot was perfect. There was a tree to tie JR to, a log to lay their heads on, and the perfect amount of shade thanks to the trees that loomed over them. The birds flitted from tree to tree, the creek babbling behind them as the sun peeked through the branches.
Kayce hummed. “You look gorgeous.”
“Thank you.” She blushed, kissing his cheek. “Take that hat off?”
“What for?” He raised an eyebrow.
“I want to wear it.” She scoffed. “The sun’s gettin’ in my eyes.”
“What if the sun’s getting in my eyes too?”
“Hmm.” She tapped her chin, pretending to think. “Come here.” Laying her head against the log, she tapped the crook of her neck. “You can lay your head right here, I can almost guarantee the sun won’t hit your eyes here.”
He nodded quickly. “Yes, ma’am.” His hat had been too big for her since he’d gotten it five years ago, but she still insisted that she wear it from time to time. She looked down, blushing when she saw he was already staring at her. She turned her head away, giggling.
“What’s so funny?”
“You- you just like looking at me, huh?”
He nodded, kissing the crook of her neck lightly. “I do.”
Her heart fluttered at the feeling. “I’m gonna explode if you stare at me too long.”
“Well, we can’t have that.” He hummed. “Can you look at me?” She shook her head, and his eyebrows furrowed. “Why not?”
“I’m embarrassed.”
“Oh?” He smirked. “How come?”
“I think you know why, Kayce. You always do this, you know you do.”
“What is it that I do?”
The smug bastard. She turned back toward him, staring directly into his eyes, and whispered. “You look at me and I turn to mush.”
He laughed, quickly kissing her lips before laying back down. “You do the same thing to me, baby.”
He fell asleep (what seemed like) seconds later. Looking down at her boyfriend, Y/N couldn’t help but smile. He looked so content with his arm slung around her waist, occasionally pulling her closer in his sleep.
Her heart broke the longer she looked at him. She’d felt horrible lying to him earlier, about the letter. When Lloyd had handed her the envelope and the address read Connecticut, she knew that would be the wrong place, the wrong time to tell him.
She told herself that every time she got a letter from Yale. How would she bring it up? It would break his heart, as much as he tried to pretend it hadn’t.
It didn’t help that they hadn’t talked about college since their argument in November.
It was now late April, two weeks before graduation.
She had one week to accept her offer, and ever since she’d been admitted, they’d been bombarding her with letters. Her father had been furious when he’d found out she’d ignored them. He always went on long rants about wanting her to have more, more than he ever had, or ever could.
And Montana, in his opinion, didn’t have that.
But when she looked at Kayce, at their little life on the ranch, she knew he was wrong. Kayce would be happy for her, they could figure it out. She vowed then and there, she would tell him as they rode back.
“Kayce?” Her arms were wrapped tightly around his waist.
He hummed. “Yeah?”
“I need to tell you something.”
“Alright…”
“I-” She laid her face on his back, his jacket muffling the sound of her voice. “Just promise you won’t be mad.”
“Why would I be mad?” He felt like he was going to have a heart attack.
“You remember the letter from earlier?”
He nodded.
“It was important.” Her voice wavered as she spoke. “It was from Yale.”
“Yeah?”
“I got in.”
“What?” Kayce pulled JR to a stop, grinning. “You did?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “I did.”
“Baby!” He got off the horse, pulling her down so he could spin her around. “That’s great, that’s really great!”
She giggled, throwing her head back as he spun her. “You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be mad?” He stopped spinning her, lowering her until their lips were inches apart. “I knew you would.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah!” He nodded, tipping his hat up, kissing her so passionately she thought her knees would go out. “God, I’m so proud of you.”
“Kayce!” She giggled. “I’m not done.”
“What else is there?” He murmured, leaning his forehead against hers.
“I don’t think I’m going to accept the offer.”
His eyes widened. “Why not?”
“I- I don’t want to leave you. Montana State is good, and I can get a great degree here… with you.”
“Well, that’s… wow.” He frowned. “Are you sure about this?”
“I’ve thought about it a lot, Kayc. A lot. I can’t imagine my life without you in it and I don’t think I can take moving across the country.”
“And I can’t imagine my life without you either.” He reassured her. “But this is a big opportunity baby. I don’t want you to give it up.”
“I’m not giving it up. I’m choosing to stay here. No one’s forcing me to do anything.”
She put her hand on his cheek. “Okay?”
“Okay.” He nodded, helping her back onto JR, but it ate at him, the fact that she was staying here for him. It was plain as day, even if she wouldn’t admit it.
Still, if she wanted to stay, he wouldn’t push her away. He loved her too much for that.
“Where have you been?”
Kayce jumped, clutching his heart. “Jesus, Dad.”
“So?” His deep voice echoed through the living room.
“Out with Y/N.”
“Ah.”
He knew he shouldn’t have told his father, but he felt so proud, so immensely proud to even know her, he had to. “She got into Yale.”
“Yale huh?”
He nodded. “Yes, sir.”
“I bet her father’s real proud.”
“I don’t think he knows.” That had been Kayce’s second mistake. “She’s planning on staying here.”
“Really?” John laughed, shaking his head. “Huh.”
“What?” Kayce crossed his arms, staring at his dad. “I can tell you want to say something.”
“She’s a smart girl, that’s all.”
“I know she is, Dad.”
“Really think she belongs here?”
Kayce shrugged. “Dunno. But it’s not really my choice, is it?”
“I suppose not.” He stood up, patting his son on the shoulder. “Sleep tight, son.”
He hadn’t slept a bit. He knew his father was right, in a way. No way was he going to let Y/N stay here for him and him alone.
And while he forced himself to eat breakfast, he came to a gut-wrenching realization.
He had to break up with her.
He jumped in his truck, racing over to her house as he rehearsed what to say. She wouldn’t take it well anyway he said it, but he had to do this. She deserved the world, and staying here would most definitely take her away from it.
God, she was perfect. She was wearing his favorite sundress, sitting on the porch reading. He’d sat in his truck, honestly considering driving away when she looked up. Shit.
She got up, walking over to his truck window, waiting for him to roll it down. “What are you doing here?”
He sighed, rolling down the window. “Came over to talk to you.”
“Oh?” She frowned. “Something wrong?”
He couldn’t- He couldn’t do it. “Do you want to go walk by the creek?”
“Sure…” Her eyes watched him suspiciously. “Did your dad say something again? You know he’s wrong, baby.”
This time, he had been right. It killed him, it broke his heart, but he was right. Walking side by side in silence, they sat down by the creek, throwing rocks in haphazardly. “What happened Kayce?”
He took his hat off, setting it beside him. “We need to break up.” His eyes widened as he said it.
She hadn’t even reacted crazily. “What did your father say, Kayc?”
“He didn’t say anything.” His third mistake of the day. “I think it’s best if we-”
“You do huh?” She laughed. “What happened to yesterday? About being proud of me?”
“I am proud of you. But-”
“But what?”
“You can’t stay here because of me.”
“I’m not-”
“Yes, you are!” He stood up, arms flying through the air. “You’re too smart, baby. You know this is a mistake, and you can’t admit it.”
“It’s not a mistake.” She spoke calmly. He groaned, walking further down the creek. It wasn't until she placed her hand on his shoulder that he turned around. “It’s not just about you, you know. My dad’s getting older, and with Mama gone, I need to take care of him.”
“Baby… Your father is 54. He’s not old.”
“Kayce! Just-” She sounded upset. Now he’d done it. “Do you want me to leave?”
“Yes! Yes, I do!” Her eyes widened, and he stuttered. “Not for the reason you’re thinkin’. Just-” He sighed. “You need to see the world, experience life! You belong out there, not stuck in Montana.”
“I’m not stuck Kayce! I’m happy. Really happy.”
“And there’s nothing I love more than when you’re happy. But you-“
“You don’t get to decide what I do.”
“I know that, but my dad-”
“Oh.” She laughed, crossing her arms. “Oh, so he did say something?”
“He did. But he wasn’t wrong. You-” He reached out for her hand, surprised when she still let him hold it. “Baby, listen to me. You are beautiful, and kind, and smart, and witty, and you don’t belong here as a rancher’s wife. You belong out there, showing everyone what you can do. I couldn’t bear it if you-”
“A rancher’s wife?” Her voice was small, so small he hardly caught it.
“Really? That’s what you got from this?” He groaned. “Y/N, are you listening-”
“I am.” Her voice was hard. “I’m hearing that you think I’m not thinking this through and that your father doesn’t approve. Well, guess what, Dutton? I don’t give two shits what your father thinks. This is my life, and you can’t tell me how to live it.”
He could only think of one thing, one thing that would get her to leave. His heart fully died as he said it, but it had to be done. “I never loved you.”
Her whole face had recoiled in shock, and she ripped her hand out of his hold. “What?”
“You heard me.” He walked around her, grabbing his hat off the ground. “I’ll mail your thing-”
She grabbed his wrist, pulling him around and looking him square in the eyes. “What is this? Is this some tactic to get me to leave?” She had this horrible ability to see through him.
He shook his head. “No, I just realized that I shouldn’t be wasting your time. Wasn’t trying to hurt you but-”
Her hand had collided with his cheek before he could think.
“Fuck you Kayce.”
He watched as she walked back toward the house, tears in his eyes. In part because of that firm slap, but mostly because he’d just torn his own heart in two. He put his hat back on, walking miserably back to his truck. Just as he’d grabbed the door handle, she shoved him, hard.
“You’re dead to me.” Sobs wrecked through her as she screamed. “I can’t look at you.”
He’d just let her push him. For a bit, it made him feel better, but when she tried to slap him again, he grabbed her wrists, pulling her close. “Stop, just stop.”
She wrestled under his hold. “Let go of me!”
“Baby-”
“Don’t call me that!” Her voice rang through the ranch as she ripped her wrists out of his hold. “Get out of here. I don’t want to see your face again!”
He nodded, opening the door and starting the truck. Tears streamed down her face as she clung to the door. “We-re not- we’re not really done are we?”
He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying. “Let go of the truck, Y/N.”
“Baby- wait-”
He pressed the gas, roaring out of the driveway, leaving her covered in dust. “Shit!” He screamed, his sobs overtaking him. “Fuck!”
My dear Kayce,
You never showed up. And now, after looking at the news, I understand why. I hope you don’t lose the ranch, after everything that’s happened there. All the memories we share, all the memories your family built there.
I don’t believe you will read this letter. I nonetheless, must send you this.
Kayce, my dear Kayce.
It was foolish of me to dream that dream. Rancher’s wife? How could I when the rancher doesn’t love me?
I miss you, and I will always miss you. But you’re right. I cannot live like this. And it seems you cannot live any other way. When I’m with you the world makes sense, but when we are apart I see clearly that your world is not a world from which one can escape.
I’m so sorry, for everything. For everything I said, and did, and for putting you in that position. There’s a good man within you, Kayce.
A bad man would have let me stay.
I enclose in this letter, a ring that you gave me. Remember, the ring that you gave me at the rodeo some years ago? I remember.
It’s not because I don’t like it, but because it reminds me too much of you. I hope, by returning it to you, I can be free of you, just like you are of me.
Goodbye,
Y/N
His shoulders shook as he read the letter. God, she had no idea how wrong she was. He wasn’t free of her, he never would be. But now, things were different. Now, after mere weeks apart, he’d made a mistake, one that was irreversible.
“Baby? You comin’ back to bed?”
He turned around, smiling. “I’ll be there in a second Monica.”
She nodded. “Okay.” She sauntered over, and he quickly wiped the tears from his face. “Don’t be too long.”
“I won’t.” He waited until she left the room to look back at the letter. He walked over to his desk, placing the folded paper carefully in his bottom drawer. He couldn’t bring himself to throw it away, but he couldn’t look at it. Not when he had a family on the way.
taglist: @jsprien213
LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT TO JOIN!
