#thought fodder

[therapatical]

Saw fite-club comment on your post about irl intracommunity stuff and funnily enough I live in the same city as fite-club and as a feminine trans guy who can’t transition due to medical stuff I’ve felt less safe going to queer spaces and events because of how hyper aware I am of people that might try to discount my lived experience in my community if I ever try to talk on it or later call me a “Theyfab” to their online oomphies as a form of back talk. So there is a deep, deep irony.

I'm sorry you're going through that, anon. i have some similar feelings & fears, tbh. I've been on T for several years at this point (started when I started college & I'm close to graduating) but hrt is unpredictable and pretty much the only thing that's changed is my voice. so, I walk through the world looking like a cis woman with a very bass-heavy baritone voice (this is not a humble brag, somehow I still manage to have gay/tboy voice despite the pitch being lower, it's a little odd). this has led to me sometimes being assumed to be a trans woman

I don't think it's great to isolate yourself just because of people like this, but I understand the fears. I think the main thing is just having some hesitancy before you share personal details with other people, not "oversharing" (I hate that term but it's the best thing I can think of rn) etc.

you can find your right people, it just takes time. I've had to learn not to show people everything (even though i hate doing that bc I am the type of person who wants to be an open book and be vulnerable with strangers).

and yknow. if they want to blab online about you, that's not your fault. it's high school bully behavior because something about you made them feel whichever way, and that's not on you. you didn't ask for that. you don't need to carry the burden of their whack ass attitude. it's also not even you who they're truly upset with imho. you're the proxy for whatever they're trying to shadow box in their own head.

like okay with our friend mr. fiteljuice, he's not mad at me. not really. and neither are most of the other people who act like him. you can tell when people are having their own internal struggles and issues, a lot of the time, by the things they interject into conversations as well as just kinda.. looking at where their train of thought went. the kinds of errors made are very telling, because there's a difference between making error from a lack of understanding vs making error because you're cognitively and emotionally distracted and that's impairing your ability to accurately interpret the situation/words in front of you. and that? has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with that other person. I didn't hurt them (plural/abstract) originally, and I can't possibly know what they're emotionally going through and what things are being connected to the current moment, that's causing that person to react in that way. that's on them to learn and figure out; how not to be shitty to other people just because something reminds you of a past pain or wound that you haven't addressed within yourself. the choice not to address it is a choice. the choice to lack introspection is a choice. it is an externalizing avoidance behavior.

when people are very very charged up and misunderstand something you said, they pull out the whole "piss on the poor" song and dance routine, you're allowed to just sit back and think, "well, isn't that a funny bad interpretation of what I just said. I know I didn't say nor mean that. but this person clearly isn't in a spot to respect me as an equal, given the inappropriate degree of hostility and insults they are using towards a complete stranger. it's okay if they don't understand. another person's bad misinterpretation of my words do not actually change the meaning of what I said."

if they want to understand it, they can retry. they can come back at a later time and choose to engage with the same respect I'd gladly give towards another fellow member of the trans community. but if they're not going to do that, then I'm not required to follow the rules of the game they so clearly want to play in order to avoid confronting their own cognitive dissonance. I don't need to be sucked into that, and I certainly didn't consent to it. and I've done this before!! I've had multiple decent conversations with trans radfems in private & while we heavily disagreed in some areas, we were at least able to see some of the disconnects and treat eachother like equal human beings. which isn't to say that decorum is morally good all the time (bc there is ofc a long history of that being used for evil), but that I am not committing a behavior that warrants the type of vitriol and behavior that is thrown my way. it's disproportionate.

I'm not the enemy of other trans people, and anyone who tries to treat me that way is not someone I care to take very seriously at all. I have a very "I will respect your humanity as long as you respect mine" attitude about trans discourse. I'm not out here trying to take away people's SNAP benefits, treating me like I'm on par with a trumper thumper is way out of proportion to reality lol. and anyone with a semi firm grasp on reality can recognize that.

(I'm also not being prescriptive, here. I'm describing how I operate, myself, not telling anybody else that they should/shouldn't do the same)

so like. if somebody sees you IRL and decides to moan about it online, they were probably already looking for excuses to do that anyways. it very rarely has anything to do with you. you're allowed to let that go (obviously, safety concerns are a thing, but otherwise you know what I mean). you're allowed to let it bead off of you like the falling rain on your umbrella. you don't have to let it get you all soggy and cold, too. you can let them stew in their misery all on their own without concerning yourself with what other people are thinking about you. easier said than done, ofc.

we think about how extreme the emotions of babies and toddlers are, how they scream and shout and cry, how they struggle to regulate themselves. but I think we all kinda fail to realize that those same emotions still happen to us, with almost the same magnitude. we just learn how to intellectualize what we're feeling. we learn how to compartmentalize and hide it a little better. but they're still there. we're all still just as emotional as a toddler, but now in an adult's body with an adult's reasoning skills and biases and prejudices. part of why we form prejudice in the first place is because it's a convenient mental storage space for difficult emotions. it gives meaning and alleviates some of the pain or anxiety or uncertainty we feel. that still doesn't make it right, of course. but we're really no better than toddlers. at least not emotionally. we just have learned more tools for rationalizing away our emotions in an attempt to make sense of what's going on around us. in an attempt to control our environment so that the painful emotions don't happen again.

there's a helplessness there that, in my opinion, is a huuuuuuge component of why people get so angry in response to those (illusionary) control mechanisms being threatened. bc you're taking away the only way they know how to stop feeling less afraid, less hurt, less insecure. it makes them feel unsafe. because they don't want to go back to the horrible, out-of-control way things were before those coping mechanisms developed. they developed for a reason! and when you're taking that control away from them, and saying "you can't have this anymore, it's bad for you and it's hurting everyone else", you see the emotions that toddler once felt re-emerge as they are faced with actually learning how to self-regulate without the training wheels they've clung to for the past 10, 20, 30, 40, etc. years.

apologies for side tangent, but I hope this helps at least a little. you're under no obligation to engage with these people, at all. but I do hope you can find some people locally who understand you & won't treat you poorly. much love ⚧️

[medusasdyke]

My first dozen romances weren't interesting because I wasn't learning anything because I was trying so hard not to. I was trying to stop time.

"300 Arguments" by Sarah Manguso

[auk-blogs]

So there’s apparently a cool thing called a SAGE test, (Sex And Gender Explorer), and I just took it. Surprisingly it told me I’m an androgynous crossdresser. Which, ah, kind of makes sense. Wanna read it? Click to keep reading. (Unless you’re not 18 yet, in which case, please don’t.)

S.A.G.E. Test Results

Your Raw Score is: 330, which indicates that overall you are Androgynous

Your appearance is Androgynous

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.

You appear to socialize in a androgynous manner.

You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Female.

ANALYSIS:

Female to Male Crossdresser

NOTES: You are in a statistical minority as a bisexual crossdresser. Most crossdressers are heterosexual. Your motivation for crossdressing may be driven by the binary nature of your sexuality, as a way to more fully explore the Male gender role. Your answers indicate you may be AUTOANDROPHILIC. Your answers indicate you may fit the following type(s): Physiologic: arousal from the idea of having opposite sex physiology. This does not necessarily mean you WANT the physiology of the opposite sex, you just find the IDEA of it exciting.

[stagtite]

I often wonder what people I follow on the Internet sound like

[medusasdyke]

INSPIRED THOUGHTS: everyone has the insight, brains, and talent to succeed at whatever they do because what they do is based on their insight, brains, and talent. So if we each do what we feel called to do, then we realize that everybody is perfect just as they are because we're all doing what we are made to do. Not that we are "made to do" something, but more like we take what we have and we DO STUFF with it. So nobody is not talented enough, not smart enough, not insightful enough. We're just enough. 

[filenesdebasement]

idk i have a special skepticism in my heart for the thing that's like "gay stuff that is palatable to straight people is Bad"

i think its wrong for the same reason as "gay stuff that is unpalatable to straight people is Bad" 

on a broader level theres the thing where like... intentionally sticking it to the man is morally preferable to... living your life authentically? which is just as fucked up as 'assimilate at all costs' esp when we're talking about life and death stuff and it both exacerbates the notion that being pegged as 'deviant' must control every aspect of your life, and encourages this 'martyr yourself for the Movement' shtick which is like... "they want us to die. let's die, that'll show them"

[filenesdebasement]

hhhhhhhh

i've been thinking about some of the ways tumblr talks about mental illness, As A Mentally Ill Individual Myself, and... hmm. stuff.

i speak to this as (deep breath) a person with... autism (which is not a mental illness but always seems to come up in these discussions), major depression, severe chronic ocd, c-ptsd, a thought disorder and delusions (i.e. psychotic symptoms). lol. but i have evaded a lot of common ill treatment from the psychiatric and medical establishment, just by incidental features of how i present and "come off". i would not be comfortable declaring myself more in danger than someone who has "merely" anxiety/depression but is perceived as mentally ill in an obvious and 'dangerous' way.

race, gender and class factor in here, of course. i'm a white girl from a middle-class background, which means i have relatively little to fear from law enforcement. however, one's phenotype -- for lack of a better word -- is also relevant. how you come across. how compliant you are.

i have, since i was very young, been almost pathologically obedient, rule-bound, concerned with authority and regulations. i also have an affect that makes people think i am honest. (it's partly the autism: i sound simultaneously robotic and earnest.) in addition, the particular vagaries of my affect (which are largely outside my control) have allowed me to sidestep a lot of misogyny that would normally affect a mentally ill woman. people de-gender and de-sexualize me, which puts me closer to their idea of male-as-default. my father takes my pain more seriously than the pain of other women in my family. medical professionals are more inclined to believe me. i don't get labeled as hysterical or histrionic or exaggerating.

my sister, on the other hand, has only ptsd and undiagnosed anxiety/depression problems. she is not autistic. but she breaks rules; she disobeys. she takes a lot of risks. she is sexually active and does drugs. i cannot evaluate which of us is more internally affected by our mental illnesses, but i believe she is overall less profoundly disabled by hers. yet i know -- i know, for a fact -- that the way people treat her, in ways directly related to her mental illness, is worse in tangible ways than the way they treat me. she's had run-ins with law enforcement and has been forcibly institutionalized. her pain and her descriptions of her internal states are not taken seriously. she is perceived as a hysterical girl who is probably just lying and looking for trouble.

it's not cut and dry, of course: my compliance has taken a toll on me in many ways, and comes with burdens of its own. i am extremely vulnerable to certain kinds of abuse. but i can't say that i'm 'worse off' than my sister in a way that maps directly to our diagnoses. there are too many variables at play.

this is all to say: shit is very, very complicated.

i also think that the term 'mental illness' is a valid term even when it doesn't necessarily correlate to one's social treatment. while precise diagnoses are not empirical facts, 'my brain is making me miserable' is a statement that reflects the person's reality. i have been miserable, in one way or another, for the better part of my life; some of that is exogenous, but to declare it all the result of society is a specious claim. there's no way to know.

i also don't think that every "identity" -- or self-applied label -- that people use has to map directly onto an axis of privilege and oppression. certainly, a mentally ill person who is largely perceived as 'normal', and who does not experience significant social/material disadvantages due to their illness, has to be cognizant of their privilege. but that is not a reason to revoke their 'my brain is trying to kill me' card. internal experience matters. level of pain matters.

as a community -- if we indeed comprise one -- we need to support our members who experience the most savage stigma for their conditions; those who are most endangered by society; those who are most profoundly disabled by their conditions, whatever the diagnosis; and those who are suffering most. these categories don't always overlap. 'mental illness' is a complex enough concept that it encompasses both a category of material disadvantage and one of, well, simply internal turmoil and misery. most of us occupy both categories, but neither definition of what 'mentally ill' means is irrelevant, imo.

we need to be cognizant of differences in experience and treatment that are not directly aligned with axes of privilege. we need to take each individual, nuanced experience at face value.

[filenesdebasement]

the overlap btwn 'delusions' and 'internalized social prejudices, taken literally and to their logical extremes by a rigid mind' is... an interesting one, though.

e.g. 'i am implicated in killing human beings thousands of miles away; i could accidentally kill them if i move wrong' = something that antisemites actually think abt jews

a lot of my Gender Bullshit has taken this form too

and of course if the (social) world posits that you, as a person, Don't/Can't Exist, you will go crazy and implode from trying to resolve your existence with your purported nonexistence. you will conceptualize yourself as dividing-by-zero, morally bound to suicide. (by 'you', i mean 'i'. i understand this doesn't happen to everyone, though sometimes i can't fathom how.)

like -- the mental position 'i am inherently self-opposing' is reasonable, given the world's judgment of you, but it is also fundamentally untenable. you have to find other positions to live on.

(blasphemy: sometimes i do think that many mentally ill people have more accurate views of the world. but that doesn't mean we should have to retain them, or that mental illness is a gift, or w/e. it is not enough to be right, we must also be effective.)

u kno

i'm at that combination holodeck and taco bell