summary: the early days of a new team being assembled: the settling, the fighting, the dysfunctional dynamics that lead into a family, and maybe even something more. bob is desperate and pining, too awkward to say anything, or getting interrupted every time he tries or finally talks himself into it. you are angry at the world, now once again fighting for people that turned on you after you lost control. stuck living with people you barely tolerate, eventually like, and could maybe even love. training and fighting, being pushed to get your powers back, after swearing to never use them again; all while fighting off sneaking feelings that feel a lot like love.
content: angst, jealousy, void (almost) and sentry appearances! pining, anger issues, mention of self harm, self hatred, bpd, traumatic pasts, fluff, kinda family dynamic, kissing, slow burn, sexual themes but not explicit, desperation, a little makeout
[ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ ʰᵃˢ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳˢ ˢᶦᵐᶦˡᵃʳ ᵗᵒ ˢʰᵃⁿᵍ ᶜʰᶦ: ˢᵏᶦˡˡᵉᵈ ᵃᵗ ᵐᵘˡᵗᶦᵖˡᵉ ᵐᵃʳᵗᶦᵃˡ ᵃʳᵗˢ, ˢʷᵒʳᵈ, ᵇᵒʷˢᵗᵃᶠᶠ, ᵉᶜᵗ; ʰᵃⁿᵈ ᵗᵒ ʰᵃⁿᵈ, ᵃˡᵒⁿᵍ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵃᶦʳ ᵐᵃⁿᶦᵖᵘˡᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ
yelena flipped you over on the mat; leg wrapped over your hip, laughing as she pinned your face to the ground. you groaned, slapping the mat in defeat, “this is pointless! i’m not getting any better.” you hated how hard you were breathing; you hated how easily you had been beaten again. “don’t be so hard on yourself… most people can’t beat me. especially when you’re out of practice.” you glared at her at her subtle brag, “i’m just saying, you have only been training again for two weeks.” “and i don’t think i’m getting any better, yelena! i just- i don’t.. succeed at anything anymore. i can’t do anything…” yelena sighed, watching you sadly, “i know we haven’t known each other long… but from what i have seen, no one else here can handle a sword? and that’s pretty damn cool. you are our best brains, you keep us all on schedule and map out our missions and make the plans-“ “i don’t know what you saw on my file, yelena, but… i don’t even think i could lift a sword anymore. i haven’t… i’m retired.” you exhaled, laying flat out on the mat, “i got someone hurt, i lost control… ever since, it’s like everything is just… gone.” yelena watched you sadly, “that was ten years ago! you were a child...” you just shook your head, “i think i’m done for the day. i- i don’t think i’m ready. i may not ever be.” you crossed the gym floor, feeling much angrier and more frustrated than you had before you started. you ignored the grunts and swears coming from the mat, now that two competent people were fighting. you glanced over your shoulder as bucky sent walker flipping to the ground. john groaned, holding his ribs as he sat up, “damn,” “sorry.” bucky shrugged, “you’re lighter than you look.”
you turned your attention to the punching bag in front of you, taking all of your anger and frustration out in a punch. it felt good to hit something that didn’t fight back or send you straight onto your back. you felt a low growl come from your throat and suddenly all the frustration and anger became the bag’s issue. you relentlessly punched out, fists stinging as you made contact over and over. you ended up screaming at it, beating at it until you saw blood on the bag. you looked down at your knuckles; skin peeled back, blood dripping between your fingers. “damn it.” you should have wrapped your knuckles, you should have warmed up more. there was a cramp in your side, tears blurring your vision- from the pain in your knuckles or frustration, you weren’t sure but you just felt embarrassed now. the others were looking at you from across the room, concerned, worried, maybe judging slightly.
you felt anger surge in you again as you turned away, storming back to your bag. your knuckles throbbed, stinging as the open air tickled against the open skin. you swore quietly, hating how useless you felt, hating how pathetic you looked against the rest of the team, hating yourself for how you had let yourself get this way. “hey,” you jumped, pulled from your thoughts by the shy voice, “are you okay?” you held your breath, pushing away the pain and anger as glanced to bob over your shoulder, “fine,” you always made sure you kept your tone from reflecting your emotions, “i’m okay. just frustrated… and angry and…” you zipped your gym back up a little too roughly, cursing as the zipper tab snapped off. “damn it!” bob tilted his head slightly, eyeing you sadly, “are- are you sure you’re okay?” you sighed, finally looking up to to meet his gaze, “i’m just not having the best day, alright?” your tone sounded impatient, but there was still that hint of softness. “oh…” bob deflated just slightly at your change in tone, “sorry…” you rubbed your face, now angry at yourself for being cold to the one person here that didn’t push you in training, didn’t demand you try harder, didn’t wait for you to be better again. “i’m sorry. i- i don’t mean to be a bitch, i-“ bob looked up at you, eyes widening slightly; he wasn’t used to the others apologizing for raising their voices or snapping when he got in their way. “you aren’t-!” he had said it a little too quickly, “you… i don’t think you’re a-…” bob ducked his head slightly, shyly, as if he didn’t want to say the word. you smiled just slightly to yourself; he was charming, in his shy, awkward ways. “well, thank you. it seems you’re the only one that thinks that…” you hauled your bag over your shoulder. bob was muttering something to himself, before his voice finally came out loud enough to hear, shaking slightly, “hey, would you ever want to go—“
“nice job on the bag, time bomb!”
you tensed at the nickname, snapping your head to look at walker; he meant it playfully, but god, the anger that spiked through you made your hands shake. bucky looked at you darkly, sending a warning glare over to john, shaking his head just barely. “thanks walker, i was picturing your face!” bob snorted, face turning red as he tried covering it with a cough. you glanced at him just barely, eyes twinkling with something playful and kind. bob somehow reddened even more, hand coming to rest on his neck to scratch an imaginary itch. “i’m going on a grocery run. have a list ready when i’m out of the shower.” there were nods of acknowledgment around the room, though bob, thankfully unnoticed, was now struggling at the mention of you in the shower.
you dried your hair just enough that it wouldn’t soak through your shirt once you put it on. you stared at yourself in the mirror, towel still tucked securely around you. how did you get here? with these people, once again fighting everyone’s wars, once again fighting for people that had nearly called for your incarceration after saving them the last time. you grabbed the black t-shirt tossed beside you and pulled it over your fresh sports bra. it was hot out, but you hated shorts, so you decided on your favorite pair of jeans. they had holes in them, the denim was worn thin, but you couldn’t bare to throw them away. you were just going to the grocery store, and could have just thrown sweatpants on, but you felt that you needed the comfort of something familiar and sentimental- for emotional support- today. you tossed your towel in your laundry basket and grabbed your phone and keys. your boots were nearly as worn through as your jeans, and you swore within a month the soles would have holes in them. bob was sitting on the couch, nose buried in a book as you crossed through the living room area. you spared him a glance, small smile creeping on your lips. you heard what the others said about him, how he was unstable and dangerous. but you just saw you. broken, misunderstood, completely forgotten and abandoned by the world.
bob looked up, eyes widening as he caught you staring. “hi-“ his voice failed him, coming out as a squeak, then a cough to cover it up. “hey,” you held back your amusement at his shyness he still had towards you, even after living in the same house. bob kept his eyes on you, soft, expectant. waiting for you to say something else, because god knew he wouldn’t. “i’m just.. going to get groceries for everyone…” bob closed his book, stumbling to his feet before his mind could stop him, “do you need help? it’s..late.. and…the city can be weird at night.” you couldn’t hear how fast his heart was beating, or see how much his cheeks had reddened, or feel the fact that he was about to throw up or pass out. “oh, no, i-“ you were planning to sulk all night, brooding with a murderous expression on your face— scaring off anyone who would approach you in public with your rbf alone. it could be nice to have someone for once, a distraction from your own friend, a break from hating the world, something like a friend… “sure. if you want to.”
bob’s knees almost buckled but he forced himself to play it cool. he wasn’t about to throw up. he wasn’t going to throw up on her boots… he wasn’t going about to pass out. he would not pass out every time she looked at him and collapse, tripping her in the street… “okay-“ his voice squeaked again and he felt his cheeks heat up. you just smiled at him softly, not laughing at his blushing, not making a joke about his damn voice crack.
bob didn’t stand a chance.
bob pulled on his shoes at a walk, nearly crashing into the table as he scrambled to pull on his sweatshirt and walk. you held back a laugh, propping the elevator door open with your hip as he caught up with you. “hi,” he was smiling again with those shy, anxious eyes widened just slightly, as they met your gaze. “ready to go?” he nodded, far too eagerly, trailing behind you as you stepped in the elevator and the doors closed. bob felt like the walls were closing in, the elevator heating up to a dangerous level. you glanced over to him again, your usual glare not present, “you okay, bob?” your voice was so soft and full of concern- towards him- bob almost melted. he swallowed quickly, forcing himself to nod once, “yes! yes. yes, i’m… i’m fine. i just..run hot.” the blush on his cheeks would be a nice cover for that lie. he did run hot, but he didn’t always feel like he was about pass out, throw up, and have his heart burst through his chest all at once.
bob’s eyes widened slightly as you clicked your car keys and a 1980’s mustang beeped in response. “you- you drive that?” he hadn’t meant to sound so surprised, he was just in awe of every aspect of you. “were you expecting something boring?” you met him with a playful smirk. “n–no! never! never from you.” he reddened even further, and almost matched the shade of your car. you kept a sparkling eye fixed on him until you climbed into the driver’s seat. bob climbed in beside you, slowly, head like a swivel as he took in the interior. you watched him and tried to fight the smile creeping up your lips. “do the others know this is what you drive?” you smirked devilishly, “nope. because i don’t want their food wrappers and crumbs in it.” bob’s eyes widened slightly, frantically patting his pockets incase he he had forgotten he had snacks with him. “bob, chill.” you laughed lightly, eyeing him in amusement. bob reddened again, sitting up stick-straight, “sorry, i- sorry-“ you laughed again, “relax...” you put your hand on bob’s shoulder and the heat on his cheeks now spread throughout all of him, rapidly. his eyes widened, snapping up to your soft smile and sparkling eyes. “it’s just us. you don’t have to be tense and…” you gestured to his fidgeting. bob breathed in deeply, “right. sorry.” being just us, as you had said, was actually even more nerve wracking and terrifying and dizzying. and relaxing around you was actually impossible because he was the only other side of conversation and felt like he couldn’t talk to you without sounding stupid or squeaking like a prepubescent child.
you passed your phone to bob as you backed out of the parking spot. he eyed you with wide eyes, feeling like he had been handed something sacred and very forbidden. “pick something,” he eyed you, glancing at the aux cord dangling between your fingers. the radio had been upgraded to connect to an aux, while everything else was authentic and classic. you caught him admiring and smirked, “i like older things, but i still need my music.” “i don’t- um- know…” bob scrolled through your spotify, feeling lost. “just pick something, robert! i’ll listen to anything.” “okay, uh-“ bob picked a random album, looking pale as he set the phone down cautiously. the first few notes started and you hummed, eyeing him quickly, “what-“ she say up straighter, “what did i do- did i not pick a good-“ you held your hand up, shaking your head, “it was a good choice. interesting…” bob felt like he was being tested and was terrified of failing it, “interesting good..?” “interesting, interesting. you didn’t pick anything modern, but you also didn’t just pick the first thing on my spotify. so you saw my music taste and picked accordingly. you didn’t choose journey, which is a classic choice, if not slightly basic. ac/dc was a good pick.” bob nodded, exhaled, breath shaking just slightly. you made his head spin. he loved it… “i don’t think i have the best music taste. i usually just..listen to whatever is on the radio. my dad would listen to older rock, but…” your eyes snapped to him and he nearly flinched, “does this remind you of him?” the way you looked at him, bob would never get used to. so intensely, so softly, so full of concern, like you really cared. like you saw him and not his mistakes. it was a softness, but it wasn’t pity; you looked at him like he wasn’t something fragile that needed to be tiptoed around. “i—“ god he had been lost in those eyes and his inner monologue about you. you had asked about his dad- had your music reminded him of his dad? no.. god, no. nothing about you could ever remind him of that monster… you were good and soft and light…the complete opposite of everything he grew up with and ever knew… “no, it’s- nice- i like it.” you eyed him again, looking for any tell in his eyes, “okay… good.” you smiled to yourself, silently making a note of how he looked at you. and at how much different you felt away from everyone else… with just him.
bob pushed the cart, trailing beside you, very aware of your hand resting on the handle of the cart, inches from his own. he had to remind himself to breathe, focusing so much on not moving his hand or twitching a finger that he didn’t hear you say his name. “sorry- i- what?” he looked to you with an embarrassed expression, cheeks flushing again. god, you probably thought he ran so hot that he was always inches away from overheating. “snack requests? niche brands you prefer?” “i-“ he couldn’t just request his very child like taste in food around you, even if he did really want the usual, comforting, favorites. “i don’t really…do snacks. i like…fruit and stuff…” you narrowed your eyes at him slightly, “boring. you sound like bucky and john.” he watched you grab a box of cereal— from the kids section, not the grown up protein cereal. you eyed it, picked up another one, compared them, grabbed a third box. “which one?” coco pebbles, captain crunch and apple jacks. “i-“ it was his type of comfort food; you had no idea what you were doing to him. you eyed them all again before dropping them all in the cart, “all of the above it is.”
damn it, you were perfect.
after entirely too long in the junk food isles, and a fit of inappropriately loud laughter over an unfortunately named generic brand of candy, the cart was looking like a preschool teachers’. “two twenty four packs of mac and cheese?” bob looked at you with a playful smirk. “yelena…” you eyed him playfully, “plus, it’s valentina’s bill.” bob laughed at this and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. he had fake laughed in too many scenarios; stiff and uncomfortable.
“in that case, we should get one more…”
you smirked, “i thought about it but i can’t reach it.”
bob cleared his throat, waved his hand dramatically and bowed. he reached over your head and grabbed the last box of yelena’s macaroni and cheese. you forgot he was six foot. he carried himself so small, like he was always scared to take up space. “why thank you, sir.” you smiled genuinely, feeling your face heat up- you had lost track of how many times you had laughed or sincerely smiled this evening… “hey, i think i’ll bring you on all my grocery runs from now on.” bob’s heart skipped at this, hiding his red face behind the box of macaroni and cheese, “please do,” it came out before he could stop it. bob stumbled over his words to try and save it, “i mean- you shouldn’t have to shop for a superhuman team alone. …a-lot of bags to carry..” you met his eyes and there was something in your expression- something behind the slightly narrowed eyes, the quirked up eyebrow, the barely there smirk. finally you spoke and bob could breathe again, “sounds good… it’s a date.”
bob could not breathe again.
most nights you spent alone, in your room reading, while most of the others were out on missions or training exercises. you and bob would occasionally pass each other on the way to or from the kitchen, nodding in acknowledgment with a small smile. you both were happy being alone, content in the silence, lost in a book or movie. lately, however, nights the others were gone, you had wandered out into the living room. bob was already there, half interested in his book. his eyes found yours immediately, a small, hopeful smile on his lips, a far too eager glint in his eyes. you sat beside him silently, shocking yourself that you had someone you didn’t mind keeping you company. bob shifted slightly, giving you more room as he turned back to his book in silence. this had become routine when the others weren’t around and the tower was quiet and void of stupid arguments or mission talk. each night started in silence, as if neither of you wanted to disturb the other, as if there was an invisible thing that kept you from getting too close or starting casual conversation. one night as you grabbed your book to head to the living room, you were stopped by bob, standing right outside your door. “hi-“ you exhaled, failing to hide the surprise in your voice. bob just smiled softly, “i was going to ask if you wanted to watch a movie…” oh? “okay?” you fought away the smile that wanted to spread across your lips and ignored the warmth spreading in your chest. “i um-“ bob looked at you nervously, not quite sure if you were agreeing to it or waiting for him to actually ask you. “so-“ he shifted slightly, already feeling stupid, “do you..want to?” this time you did smile widely, “sure,” you stepped aside and held your door open, to which bob’s eyes widened and he looked like he may faint. “oh- um-“ “you can come in, robert. i don’t bite.” bob looked truly ill, buy he stepped inside your room with his best attempt at a stable smile.
“unless you want me to.” you added with a playful smirk, watching as bob took in your room and then suddenly tensed. “i- oh- well-“ bob cleared his throat, trying to pull himself together and recover from your joke. bless your heart, you always tried lightening the awkward tension with playful jokes or sugestive comments. you couldn’t do things like that around bob; he physically couldn’t handle it and would now spend the next twenty minutes trying to calm himself down and remind himself that it was just a joke, no matter how much he really would have liked it if you- no. bob shook his head which earned a sideways look from you. “fine,” bob mumbled it, placing his pile of movie selections on the bed, hands resting casually against his waist. he had gotten himself all worked up and now was in an even worse situation. you had to force yourself to look at the bed, force yourself to ignore his twitching and obvious situation. you really should stop teasing him, after all it had started innocently and playfully… but now… no. no time for that. you picked the closest movie, not really looking through them, but recognizing the title. “my tv is better than the one in there. for some reason, smartly- valentina assumed we wouldn’t be using the living room tv for group hangouts.” your voice was playful but it was hard to ignore there was a man sitting on your bed, in your room. you sat beside him, and he damn near scooted completely off the bed on the opposite side. “robert.” your voice was soft and scolding, “you don’t have to sit that far away. please get comfortable…” you eyed him, putting your spare pillows in the space beside you against the headboard for him. “are you sure- i can sit on the floor?” “i didn’t offer my room so you could sit on the floor awkwardly and be uncomfortable.” or maybe he would be more comfortable away from you and your stupid jokes… he looked at you quietly, still waiting for you to change your mind. instead, you pulled your covers back for both of you, looking at him softly, “robert.” bob finally climbed in next to you, sitting down so painfully slowly you thought he was terrified to wrinkle your sheets. you looked at him incredulously, simultaneously trying not to laugh. he winced in embarrassment, finally settled beside you, pulling your blankets over his legs. he wasn’t breathing. you could tell he wasn’t breathing because of how tense and awkward he looked. “robert,” you sighed, looking at him softly, wishing he could just fully relax around you, “i won’t bite you.” bob exhaled, finally sinking deeper into the bed and pillows behind him, the smallest playful smile on his lips, “unless i ask you to?” your breath caught in your throat as you turned to look at him. his eyes had darkened, playful expression gone; replaced with something hungry and testing. you were holding your breath now, suddenly very aware of how hot it was and how close he was to you. bob didn’t look away from you, for the first time since you had known him, he was looking at you with such intensity…and desperation that you felt shy. you wanted to look away, make more distance between you and pretend you didn’t notice the heat and electricity in the room. “right,” you finally squeaked out, nodding weakly. bob actually smirked, darkly, in amusement, clearly proud that he had for once gotten a reaction from you. he looked away from you, head falling against the headboard with a smug smirk. his jaw was clenched, clearly struggling with similar feelings as you, clearly trying to force them away. damn him… you cursed yourself for breaking your number one rule. never ever let anyone get close.
you pummeled the bag again, kick, punch, attempt to jump and kick higher, swear when you failed. the music in your headphones was loud enough to drown out any thoughts and make you deaf. just how you liked it… upper cut, right hook, punch to an imaginary gut. you were still very aware of the eyes that would occasionally look up from behind the pages of a book, watching you sweat and suffer. hitting the bag harder forced your mind away from him, away from the weekly grocery trips— that had also turned into introducing bob to different music, picking new nicknames for the team, a few inside jokes, and most recently, ice cream on the way home– away from the very clear shift that had happened three weeks ago. more often than not, it was the two of you left in the tower alone, while the others were off saving the world- or more minor things. they weren’t liabilities. they were trained. they didn’t have powers that needed to be held back so no one died. your heart was pounding, muscles throbbing, sweat pouring down your forehead and into your eyes. you wiped your eyes, squinting as you opened them once again.
john walker took up your entire field of vision, directly in front or you. you shrieked, throwing out your fist before you could process who it was. “god—!” john stumbled backwards, hand over his nose. “shit-“ you pulled your headphones over one ear, rushing towards john who was stumbling back to his feet. “i’m sorry- i didn’t-“ john pulled his hand away, blood covering his hand and dripping through his fingers. “oh—“bob had looked up, looking pale at the sight of the blood. “bob, get a towel—“ “i’m fine.” walker waved bob off, pushing away from you slightly, “you act like i haven’t been punched before.” you returned with your crumpled shirt from your back, smacking john’s hand away to hold it against his nose. it was better for a shirt to catch his bleeding nose, than his hands that caused blood to drip all over the floor. “thanks.” john reluctantly took the shirt from you, with a slightly apologetic look as he realized it was your shirt. “i can find another plain white shirt, i’m sure.” that one had been your favorite, but you could find another.
“i have been punched before.” he repeated it, the slightest hint of amusement on his face.
“i think you broke it…” john almost sounded impressed. “you broke my focus…” you responded with a playful smirk. “why were you standing there anyway?” “i was trying to talk to you. i had been yelling for a full minute, but you couldn’t hear me over your angry music.” you grimaced apologetically, realizing sleep token was still blasting from the headphones around your neck. “sorry about my angry music.” your tone was sarcastic as you turned to pause the music from your phone. “why didn’t you ask bob to get my attention?” bob glanced up slightly at his name. walker glanced over to him with an eye roll of annoyance, “i tried.” bob smirked just slightly at this.
“he didn’t want to bother you. he said you were focused.”
“he said you might hit me.”
“i did.” you smirked to yourself and heard bob cough behind you. walker laughed this time and you were positive it was the first time he had appeared genuine in front of you; laughing, instead of scowling or complaining. “that was a hell of a punch.” your eyes glanced back to him, playful, amused, almost smug. “i mean it. it feels like you’re getting a lot stronger. it looks like it too.” walker eyed the muscles up your arms and to your shoulder; obviously more defined than they had been weeks ago. you watched his eyes study you, tensing slightly. john wasn’t even saying it in a flirty way- he wasn’t even looking at you like he was thinking anything like that- he didn’t make you feel uncomfortable, but it still felt off, standing this close to him with just your workout bra, soaked in sweat, still breathing hard… “next time you punch…” john gently cupped your elbow, guiding your arm to a different position. he moved your thumb just slightly, “you’ll break it otherwise.” something shattered behind you, causing you both to jump apart, eyes wide. bob was standing, eyes glowing golden, glossy, expression far away. “what are you doing, bobby-“ you shushed walker, taking another step away from walker. bob’s eyes snapped to you, golden rings gone from his irises. he looked confused, glanced at the bench he has been sitting at, trying to remember why he got up. “sorry, i-“ walker had tightened his fists slightly, waiting. “what did i…” bob glanced at to the glass bottle you had been drinking of, now shattered on the floor, “are you okay?” his confused expression immediately turned to concern, “did you drop it? don’t walk by it…” walker’s jaw was clenched, his eyes dark, expression failing to hide the confusion, caution, maybe even fear. “i’ll clean it up…” john sent a final glance to bob; it was cold, warning. you exhaled, not letting your expression falter as you gave bob a small smile, “come on… you can borrow a new book from my room, while i take a shower.”
you rubbed your face with the towel, still feeling the sweat on you. still feeling walker touch your skin. still seeing the burning in bob’s eyes when you looked at him. you wrapped the towel around your middle, groaning to yourself. you had other things to worry about besides whatever the hell that was. you didn’t need to worry about unstable flares of power showing, you didn’t need to worry about your skin tingling when someone touched your bare skin for the first time ever- without it being punishment or violent. you opened your bedroom door and nearly jumped out of your towel. “holy sh— bob!” bob was stretched out on your bed, new book in hand, eyes widening to what should have been an impossible size, “oh-“ it came out as a squeak. bob scrambled off your bed, collapsed to the floor, mumbling something as he tried to stumble back to his feet. “i’m sorry- oh god- i’m so sorry-“ you would have laughed at any other time; the redness on his face made it difficult to even be mad at him. you did say he could get a book from your room… you had never specified for him to take it somewhere else to read. you bit back a smile, trying not to laugh as he just stayed on the floor, on the opposite side of your bed. he was still muttering to himself, damn near hyperventilating. “robert.” no response. he was clearly afraid if he stood up you would shoot him. you shook your head, turning to your closet to find clothes. “robert…” no response. you rolled your eyes with a slight amused smirk, closing your closet door behind you. you pulled on sweatpants and a sweatshirt yelena had cut the neckline out of and then decided she didn’t want. it was not what you would usually wear; exposing your entire shoulders, loose on the arms and slightly baggy everywhere else; but she was right, it was comfortable.
when you stepped out of your closet, bob was waiting on the bed again. he was looking at the floor. “hey,” you snapped by his head and his eyes locked up to yours. “you okay?” you pushed the book aside and sat beside him. “i’m sorry.” he was fidgeting with the cuffs of his sleeves, “i’m sorry for- being in here- for- you told me to grab a book, i-“ “bob, it’s fine. honestly. i said you could come in here.” you had to talk him out of it before he started spiraling. “hey,” you placed the gentlest finger on top of his hand. his eyes snapped to your finger tapping the back of his hand. he breathed in shakily, eyes wide, staring at your finger like it had shocked him. his hand felt hot under your touch, his pulse quickening slightly against your wrist. “you can be in here, alright? i said you could. if you want to read… or sit on my bed… or if you ever need to talk.” he looked up at you with glossy eyes. he didn’t say anything, just looking at you, “it’s stupid.” you furrowed your brows, “what’s stupid–“
bob looked to the floor again, clearly embarrassed, secretly trying to fight the urge to just get up and walk out. “being in here. being with you… you.” you exhaled, the words tumbling around in your mind, making your head spin, “you think i- you feel safe in here?” bob started fidgeting again, “i told you it was stupid.” “no- hey-“ someone felt safe with you. someone wanted to be around you, stay close to you, sit in silence with you, hang out in your room reading, reading while you worked out, volunteering to go to the grocery store with you. “it’s not stupid. it’s not. it’s really sweet, actually… it’s nice being looked at as.. someone comforting. instead of…” you shook your head, not wanting to go there, “don’t be embarrassed. it’s an honor. and really. come in here whenever you want. even if i’m not here. just- don’t… don’t be weird.” you nudged him with a playful smile, trying to break the serious tone. “oh- no! no, i would never do anything weird. i- i promise.” “i know, bob.” you gave him that same playful look, trying to assure him it was only a joke, “i let you in my car, remember?” bob laughed just a little, sad eyes looking up at you with the faintest smile.
bob leaned back against your headboard as he read, the fidgeting stopped, he was no longer radiating heat, he was just still, lost in a book, content. you glanced over at him occasionally, trying to focus on your own book, ignoring how close you were to someone else in your bed. “you and walker, then?” the words startled you right into a sitting position, looking over to him, hoping you had heard him wrong. he didn’t look up from his book, though his hands shook slightly, knuckles white as he held the book. you just stared at him, waiting, trying to process why this conversation was happening. “walker?” bob tensed slightly. bob said nothing, glaring into the book, eyes not moving on the page. was he- no. was he jealous? of walker?
he closed the book, sitting up quickly, face close enough to feel his breath, “the glass.” you held your breath, not sure if him remembering was a good thing… yet part of you wanted to hear him say it. to tell you why it happened. “i don’t know what happened. i was just sitting there and then walker—“ his hand shook slightly, eyes flashing, the slightest shadow passing across his face. “stop,” you grabbed both his hands in your own, “it’s fine. it doesn’t matter. no one got hurt…” “but they could have. you could have…” you exhaled slowly, “but i didn’t. glass breaks all the time… it got cleaned up and it won’t get brought up again.” “but if something happened-“ “nothing happened. walker was there, he-“ bob shook his head, twitching slightly, “can we not- don’t say his name…” his voice was still soft, but it had deepened slightly. this was what the others feared. the instability in his movements, the shaking in his voice, the darkness behind his eyes. “okay… okay. we won’t.” bob looked at you softly, shy, haunted by something, “i’m sorry. i don’t- i don’t know-“ you took his hands again, trying to pull him back to you and out of his own head. “i don’t think you would ever hurt me.” you weren’t there- in new york, in the void- you heard the stories. the horrors. but you just couldn’t imagine… even still. “i know you wouldn’t.” bob shook his head, “i wouldn’t. but you weren’t the one i wanted to hurt...”
a chill ran down your spine, breath catching in your throat. you shifted, just slightly- not away from him, not letting go of his hand. bob looked up at you with a sad expression, “i’m scaring you…” he jerked his hand away, expression hurt. he looked angry, disappointed, betrayed…broken. “no.” you ignored your pounding heart and the twisting in your stomach. “i should go… it’s late…” “no.” bob uncrossed his legs and was walking to the door as soon as his feet hit the floor, “stop. robert-“
“i’m sorry.” he shook his head again, posture deflating slightly, “i really am, i—“
you forced yourself to follow him, grabbing his arm, “robert, stop. i’m not afraid of you.”
bob stopped, his tense body relaxing slightly at your touch. he took a deep breath, turning to look at you over his shoulder; his eyes glowed behind his hair- but they weren’t golden.
“maybe you should be…” his voice was too deep, too dark. he tugged his hand away from your grip, stepping through the threshold, door slamming shut behind him; never once touching it with his hand. you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. it came out in a sob. you hadn’t realized you still had the ability to cry, after all the years of playing cold, staying unattached, acting like the bitch and playing the character that no one would miss– until the tears started falling.
you were in the gym before bucky or john, after not having slept a single second. there was an energy drink and a cup of coffee sitting beside your gym back this morning. you would either be buzzing enough to complete a record length workout, or you would get a quick shortcut to cardiac arrest. you didn’t have a routine ever, just moving to whatever you felt would get the most frustration and aggression out. you hadn’t realized it had been two hours; and you hadn’t realized bucky, yelena and walker were all watching you, wide eyed. the bag broke free of it’s hook, slamming into the wall as you swore. you turned slowly, sweat soaked and lost in your own head; nearly falling over when you came face to face with john. you flinched and this time he held his arm up in case you struck with your fist first again. “picturing my face again?” you almost laughed, the smallest smirk twitching to your lips. bucky whistled, eyeing the bag that now lay helplessly on the floor, “that’s definitely more like your track record…” you eyed him, almost appreciatively, but instead of thanking him you tipped your water to your lips and drained it, “i’m going for a run.” yelena didn’t hide her surprise, silently wondering how you suddenly still had the energy. you nodded to her as you brushed past, head still spinning.
there had been a moment where you knew you should stop– that you were pushing yourself too hard. it was after your stomach muscles felt like they were going to tear, and before your vision had started going funny. your breathing had evened out, body realizing you must have been in a survival situation and convincing your lungs they needed to get over it. your head throbbed, your vision danced slightly, black creeping in around the edges. every time your feet hit the ground, your head felt like it was hit with a baseball bat. you were nauseous, stomach now demanding you to stop or else. you finally did, bracing yourself against a tree, taking in a breath so deep that it hurt. you swore again, letting your head fall against the tree. you closed your eyes, relishing in the overdue rest. footsteps behind you snapped your attention back; you lifted your head so quickly you felt whiplash, “yelena,” you had meant it to be friendlier, “i caught up with you- you’re fast-“ she was out of breath slightly. yelena hated running so the fact that she came after you was a compliment. “you okay? you seem kind of…” she gestured to all of you and then made a grumpy expression. you would have laughed if you didn’t feel sick or in pain everywhere, “fine.” you forced it out, holding your side, “sure, right.” she eyed you with a speculative expression, nodding sarcastically. “i’m fine,” you looked at your watch, only mildly concerned at how many calories you had burned before eating. “bob is looking for you.” your body betrayed you by it’s reaction. you tensed, eyes snapping up to her’s, widening slightly, “is he okay?” yelena’s speculation only grew, crossing her arms, “why wouldn’t he be okay? did something happen?” you hated how she could read people. she was asking, but she knew. “i-“ “walker told me bob looked like he wanted to rip his head off while you two were training. does that sound familiar?” you exhaled, “we almost had a visitor from a certain shadowy friend.” “because john got too close to you and was touching you.” she was amused. “no.” shit. yelena was smiling just slightly, lips tight, eyes scrutinizing you, “because john was touching you-“ “yelena-“ she waved her hand, “whatever. i’m not going to tell you what i see.” are you sure about that? “talk to bob.” she jogged past you without another word, and you swore you could feel the smug expression on her face. you groaned, silently cursing her as you turned, preparing to walk back.
you had not, in fact, talked to bob. but you also were not going to avoid him. he sat next to you on the couch, half reading, half glancing up at you when he thought you couldn’t see him. he was fidgeting- badly- worse than you had seen him in a while. his fingers tapped against the spine of his book, his foot wiggled side to side, and his knee bounced up and down. he was practically vibrating. “bob,” you finally forced yourself to look at him. he froze, eyes widening, cheeks flushing. he had been shaking the entire damn couch. “is something bothering you?” his foot was moving again, “sorry- i’m sorry- i just-“ he closed his book, turning to look at you, “did something happen last night?” oh. “i don’t… i don’t remember… i feel like.. something happened? between us? or…” your heart sank but you felt as if you could breathe easier, “nothing happened.” if he didn’t remember there was no point in reminding him, especially when it was nothing. he looked at you, nodded once, but behind his eyes he didn’t believe you, “okay…” you smiled softly at him, happy there wasn’t this thing between you. “we didn’t um…?” bob’s fingers traced his chin, a phantom brush against his lips. you hated the way your heart leapt at the thought, “oh- no… we didn’t.” shit, it was like you were running again. “you would remember.” you hadn’t meant to say it, but the shy smile and blush on his cheeks was worth it. he nodded, slightly struggling for words, clearly trying to pull himself together. “okay-“ it was quiet, shy. he wasn’t meeting your eyes.
“are you… getting groceries later?”
it was grocery night. john had offered to go with you. you didn’t want john to go with you. you wanted bob to come with you… god, you wanted bob to come. “i am.” please come. “okay. i’ll come.” once again, your damn heart acted like a frantic bird slamming into something, trying to break out.
you had ended up sitting in the park, stars trying to flicker past the light pollution of the city. bob sat next to you, shifting a milkshake between his hands. you held your own ice cream, watching it melt in it’s cup. your body still felt tense, frustration and irritation pulsing through you; now mixed with something else. bob was watching you, silently, foot tapping anxiously, eyes fixed on you with an intensity that made you flinch.
“do you think they’ll ever fully accept us?”
the question hit you like a punch; leaving you feeling like someone had just punched you directly in the gut, taking all the air from your lungs and stolen your words. “i-“ you couldn’t remember if sentry had telekinesis abilities, but his eyes weren’t glowing, so maybe he was just thinking the same thing you had been. “no.” it came out as a sigh. bob’s expression saddened and you wished you hadn’t been so blunt. he nodded once, looking at his feet, “that’s what i thought.” the sadness in his voice made you recoil, cursing yourself for answering honestly. “i think yelena tries. she tries to understand and… include me. but i’m not like them. i can’t control it. i can’t fight… not without.. the other guy…” you felt yourself move closer to him on the bench, “i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have said-“ “no.” bob’s voice was soft, “don’t apologize. you’re honest. you’re one of the only people that have ever been honest with me.” you felt your heart swell at that, not used to someone appreciating your honesty. “i think they’re lucky to have you. even if you can’t control your powers… there might come a day when you need them. when they need you. one day it might not matter if you can control it, they might just need you.” bob looked at you again, eyes tracing your entire face, likely trying to figure out if you were just saying that to make him feel better. you wouldn’t do that. he knew you wouldn’t. you were the most honest person he had ever meant, even when it was harsh. you kept your eyes locked on his own, feeling that damn tug in your stomach again, ignoring the way your heart jumped.
“they should be happy to have you.” bob broke the stare again, shifting awkwardly, “you do everything for them… forget needing powers.” you scoffed, shaking your head, “anyone can get groceries and write things down, robert.” bob was looking at you again, sadly, “that’s not all you do. that’s- hey-“ he grabbed your hand and you may as well have been electrocuted. “look at me.” you did not want to. you were too scared to see the look he was giving you and what it would do to you. “you’re so much more than just their.. what? house keeper? manager? bullshit.” you looked at him finally, and god, it about did you in. his eyes were burning into yours, intensely, desperately, “you talk them down from fights, you defend me every time they…” his eyes dropped only for a moment, “you make me feel okay. no one has ever done that. yelena tries… she understands to a point… she- but not like you. you don’t treat me differently. you treat me like i’m more normal than they are. like i’m someone worth-“ bob’s jaw clenched and unclenched and you swore if he started crying you would really be out for the count, “i’ve never had that. you make it all okay. for all of us… they all respect you. they don’t say it… they should say it. but you’re so much more than just their housekeeper.” you weren’t completely buying all of it, but you nodded, “i’m glad i mean something to you too.” you hadn’t meant to say that. bob’s eyes snapped up again, listening, clinging to you with his eyes so he didn’t miss a single thing you said. “you-“ you looked away now, not able to handle the intensity and passion behind his eyes, “i’ve never been good for anyone. it’s usually just screw ups and getting people close to me killed.” bob had stood up now, “that was an accident—“ you shook your head, begging the tears to go away, “it wasn’t.” bob had seen it. in the void, in your shame room. he was there, but he still didn’t understand it. “you were a child. trained- manipulated… to be…” he was kneeling in front of you now, eyes locked on you like you were the only thing in the world. “i killed her, robert.” his hands found your knees, resting on them, trying to pull you back to him, despite still being scared to touch you, “stop.” his voice was pleading. “they told me if i went out there and found her and lured her back, i wouldn’t have to kill her. as long as i showed them i was strong enough to act on it-“ you couldn’t feel his fingers grip your knees tighter, “they promised… then they shot her.”
his hands moved to your wrists, holding them, pleading with you to look at him. he knew all about spiraling. about getting lost in your darkest thoughts and getting pulled down. he wouldn’t let that happen to you. he couldn’t watch you relive it again. “look at me.” warmth against your hands pulled you to him, bleary eyed, mind still far away. his eyes glowed a gentle golden, locked on you, not aware of anything else around him. “that wasn’t you.” “i should have just grabbed her and run-“ it came out as a sob and you wished you were just alone, that he wasn’t here to see you like this. “i’m not going anywhere.”
“you both would have died, then and you wouldn’t be here. and god, i don’t want a world where that’s the case.” your eyes snapped to his at that and you became aware of how close he was, then. of how he was looking at you, of his hands in your own, of the fact that he was kneeling between your knees. “i—“ he was slightly out of breath; you didn’t know if he was dizzy from your closeness, if he was using his powers to calm you and if it was draining him. or if it was something else. if it was the same feeling you had, a heat in your stomach, the lightheadedness, the roaring in your ears, the tension in you that begged to just be let out… the absolute desperation and need you felt for him that could no longer be ignored and shoved down.
his lips were on you, then; hungry and messy. you gasped as your hands found his hair, fingers tangling in it, pulling him further into you. his breath shook as he took a deep breath against you. “wait, i’m—“ bob’s hands shook slightly, eyes glowing brighter than the stars above you, “i can’t control-“ he was fighting to pull himself away from you, fists clenched as they shook. “i’m sorry-“ you found his lips again and he didn’t protest. his entire body was warm, radiating like a furnace against you. he melted into you, body trembling slightly, fingers shaking as they traced the outline of your shirt. your breath caught, the feel of his finger tips against the skin on your hips making your head spin. bob’s full weight was against you, practically sitting on your lap, melting into you, losing himself against you. his fingers traced your shirt, tugging up slightly on the fabric. “robert-“ you were breathless, lost in him, but also very aware you were on a public bench. “robert-“ you pushed him gently, almost laughing at his dazed expression and light drool on his lips. his eyes still glowed, but there was a darkness behind them. his nose brushed against yours, breathless, tilting his head just slightly to reach your lips, “robert, we’re still in public-“ you exhaled shakily, tilting just slightly out of ready of him. “right,” he breathed out, face reddening, expression still dazed.
bob shifted off you, groaning slightly, pouting as he did. “‘m sorry,” he smiled stupidly, grinning at you like he had just won the entire world. “don’t be sorry for that.” you smirked at him, letting him help you to your feet. god, he made your head spin. he dropped the groceries in the back of your car, climbing in the passenger seat with a sleepy smile. “so… home then.” he sounded disappointed; you felt it… “everyone might be asleep…” bob met your dangerous expression, “or gone…” bob placed a torturous hand on your knee as you put the car in drive.
you put groceries away with shaking hands, fully aware of how bob was looking at you like you were his next meal. he was reading from the couch, but his eyes were above the book, watching your every move. the others were either asleep or not home- you didn’t know, and you didn’t really care. you placed the final box of cereal in the pantry and turned around just to be nose to nose with bob. you exhaled, cursing your legs for growing weak. “i would like to finish what we started.” your breath caught, not at all used to bob being forward and confident. all you could do was nod, feeling pathetic and dizzy. he followed you to your room, watching with hungry eyes as you locked the door behind you. he sat on your bed, eyes softening as you joined him. “i don’t..” he hesitated as your hands found the bottom of his sweatshirt, “please don’t turn away…” your heart caught in your throat as he pulled his shirt over his head, hands gently placed over your own. your eyes dropped, shamelessly, to his ridiculous and dangerous abs. “turned off?” bob almost laughed, “i didn’t say turned off,” his shirt still lay around his neck, arms still in the sleeves, “that’s not what i was talking about…” you held your breath as he pulled his shirt over his head, pulling his arms out of the sleeves. you were still admiring his abs when his arm came to rest against you. your breath caught, choking on the air in your nose, “bob-“ “no…” his voice was quiet, he was no longer meeting your eyes, “please don’t treat me different now. you always call me robert. call me robert…” your eyes followed the numerous lines on his arms, not hearing him as tears filled your eyes. “bob, i-“ he was looking at you, guilty, broken, embarrassed, “please don’t treat me differently, i- they’re old.. most of them are old, they- i haven’t in a long time-“ you were already crying though, not sure how he could expect you not to react at all. to this. to him doing this. “i’m-“
“i’m sorry. i should have warned you, i-“
“why are you sorry?” your voice was flat, void of the usual softness it held towards him, shaking slightly, “why are you apologizing? i- i’m sorry you ever thought- i’m sorry it was bad enough that you-“ bob was looking at you again, still guilty, still trying to hold up his walls for you. you squeezed both his hands, trying to get the tears to stop, “if i had been there-“ bob actually laughed then, “you would have hated me back then.” he tilted your head up to look at him, “god knows i did…” you wiped at your eyes, hating that he was once again seeing you cry, but happy it was at least over him this time, “you promise you’ve stopped? completely?” bob nodded, looking at you shamefully, “i’m better now….. i- i didn’t want you to find out like this. i’m sorry. i didn’t think you would ever see them…”
you bit your lip, stroking his arms with the softest touch, “i’m sorry you thought you deserved this. you didn’t. no matter what you did.” bob’s eyes were on your face, even as your own traced up and down his arms, as your fingers ran gently along the uneven skin. bob was holding his breath, truly feeling like he could cry; knowing he had never felt such a gentle touch- especially on the darkest, most gruesome scars of his past. “i think i’m in love with you.”
you nearly tumbled right off the bed. you were sure your face reflected your shock, but hopefully not the way you were currently fighting for air. “you don’t have to say it back. i don’t even know what that means, really. i’ve never felt it before. not towards me, or directed at someone else… but i know how i feel when i’m with you. and how you make me feel. safe… happy, normal.. like i’m not a freak, or a screw up, or a total loser, or a burden… just.. that i’m me. something i’ve never really felt in a positive way. not really. but when you look at me… or laugh at something i say… being me isn’t…the worst thing ever.”
shit, now you were crying. how could he say those things to you and mean it? he knew what you had done… he knew what you were. what you had trained to be… “robert.” his soft eyes met yours and the look behind them made you nearly break, “i don’t deserve your love. i don’t care what your past was like. you are good. you are the best person i’ve ever met but, i-“ “bullshit.” bob was in front of you again, “absolute bullshit. i don’t want to hear that again. if you can see the good in me, then why the hell shouldn’t you deserve love and second chance when the two times you weren’t perfect were accidents?” damn. he had a point. but still- he was bob. you would never hold yourself to the same standard of the man you loved. “that’s the problem,” he was smiling just slightly, a playful smirk on his lips, “is that you will never see yourself as i do. and you will never see myself the way i do.” oh, damn him and that mind reading ability. “look at me.” you did, shamefully, embarrassed, guilty, “everyone i get close to dies. or i push them away before they can get too close…” bob squeezed your hand, “lucky for you, i can’t die. or even be injured. and i have been told that i am extremely annoying and clingy. so good luck with that other part.” you almost laughed, wiping at the tears in your eyes. bob let go of your hand, exhaling, “you don’t have to say anything back. i’m not expecting anything. i don’t need anything to change between us… as long as we can still be friends and-“ he stood up, a soft but sad smile on his lips, “please just don’t push me away. i’m sorry. i’ll give you time. i’ll go… just… please don’t push me away.”
you grabbed onto his wrist, stopping him before he could walk away. your mind had acted before you were caught up with the plan. bob looked at you wide eyed, eyes slowly moving to your interlocked hands. his skin was hot, always much too hot to the touch, always much more hot than the average person. he looked to you again, hopeful, expectant. say something, stupid. say something before he walks out, or before he starts another anxious rambling. what if you said something stupid and hurtful again? you tugged on his arm so quickly and suddenly that bob stumbled against you. his eye’s widened as he landed directly in your lap, stumbling over apologies as he struggled to get off you. your arms wrapped around his waist, tightly, holding him against you. bob’s breath caught, tensing against your touch. you pulled him in by the hair before he could mutter one more apology.
his breath hitched, inhaling shakily against your lips. he closed his eyes as he reciprocated, hotter, heavier, with even more passion. your own heart jumped, skipping entirely too fast to be healthy. bob melted into you, his full weight sending you gently against the mattress. his arms wrapped around you tightly, fingers tracing your skin softly beneath your shirt. your heart leapt, breath shaking, silently wondering who lit off fireworks in your stomach. bob pulled you closer against him, lifting your back off the mattress. you could have passed out right then alone, but then his other hand pulled your shirt over your head, as he continued to hold you against him. your head spun. the pair of you let out a sharp breath at the feeling of warm skin against warm skin. the room was spinning as his lips found yours again, messily, desperately. the room buzzed with electricity- or maybe it was just your head struggling to keep up with the rest of you. bob shifted down your jaw, to your neck, to your collarbone. you shifted, swearing that the room was sitting on top of a frisbee that had been thrown. his fingers against your skin sent electric bolts through your skin, heat spreading through you rapidly. his touch was soft and so full of love. his skin against you, comforting, the heat building all the way into your stomach. it was nothing like you had ever felt. it was gentle, careful, protective. nothing like hands that had been on you in the past; forceful, rough. no. you forced the memories down- refusing to ruin the moment. the perfect way he melted against you, the way he held you gently, but firmly. soft, but protective. bob was nearly gasping for air as he broke away from your skin. you would have smirked if you weren’t so pathetically out of breath and worked up yourself. he shook slightly, his eyes glowing a soft golden when he finally looked at you. “i’m sorry-“ he had a stupid smile on his lips, embarrassed, “too much-“ his hands shook and you were sure he was fighting for restraint, pulling himself together, not wanting to lose control. still, you grinned at him, foolishly and exhausted. “i’m sorry, i just-“ you stroked his hair as he collapsed into your chest, breathless and sweaty.
“too much…” he hummed against your skin, completely wrecked without even going further. completely lost to the world as soon as you started playing with his hair. “there’s no hurry.” you would have hated yourself if he did truly feel bad about needing to stop, “we have time.” there would be several nights of messy passion and tangled sheets. right now, all you wanted was to feel his skin against you, warm and soft- and his arms around you, firmly and protective.
“stay here tonight. with me…” it was not a question, but bob answered by pulling you closer to him, nestling your face into his chest, just under his chin. you breathed deeply, inhaling his scent, breathing him in. bob said nothing, breathing deeply, breath still shaky, holding you against him, “i’m all yours.”
a/n: this took me soooo long oml. im not sure i love all of this, but i wanted to post something and finally finish this since i started it june 7th😵💫
