Nov 17, 2023
Dick Gregory reading newspapers
(Robert W. Kelley. 1961)
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Dick Gregory reading newspapers
(Robert W. Kelley. 1961)
Because Have I Got Breaking News Quizzes for You!
This week, I look at five topical news quizzes.
From Scotland, Breaking the News, a mildly Scottish quiz.
From London, The News Quiz, with a shit introduction and the show gets no better.
From Toronto, Because News, where the jokes keep on coming.
From London, Have I Got News for You, a 25 minute show crammed into a 45 minute slot.
From Atlanta, Has CNN Got News for You, a 40 minute show based on the original.
Some of them are funny. Some of them are deeply, deeply boring.
Plus plenty of snark at ITV for their sudden conversion to autocomplete bots, a brief tribute to 12 Yard, and the curious case of Big Brother producers not realising they are the anti-heroes of their own work.
There was also no sign of the rumoured discord between Kate and Meghan, although there have been unconfirmed reports from staff at Sandringham that there was the ‘mother of all festive bitch-fights’ in a drawing room within hours of the service, proving that maybe the Royals are just like the rest of us when it comes to the annual festive punch-up - fuelled by gin and a year of bitterness.
"Although Jeremy Corbyn does think Theresa May is a stupid woman, he would never settle for such a basic insult, when he could also make reference to her inability to negotiate anything beyond a flight of stairs, her refusal to be killed (politically speaking) and her general hateful attitude to anyone who is not a card-carrying Tory."
The RSPCA estimates there are as many as two million snakes kept in Britain's homes and given the right circumstances many will escape.Plummeting temperatures put them at risk. “Reptiles can't generate their own body heat, like a car", a spokesman explains.
“It’s not about me” explained Tony in an interview, as he selflessly offered to heal the wound that is Brexit. “The good people of Ireland and the UK know I can deliver. Look at the Good Friday Agreement, it wasn’t named the Bad Friday Agreement, was it? I can be any kind of border that’s needed: hard, soft, frictionless, transparent, hard again.”
The human organ had been used as a prop in the music video for 'You Said Our Love was First Class, So Why's My Heart Always Riding In Coach'. Darnella Dimple explains: “We borrowed an actual heart to use as a metaphor for a real heart, we just forgot to take it back. Oh, and our drummer forgot his sticks too".
All the government needs to do is privatise the Brexit process, and hand the contract to Southern Rail - who've been expertly cancelling anything and everything in sight for years. The franchise’s commuters, who are increasingly taking both a tent and canned goods on their trips to work, have unanimously backed the suggestion - insisting that Southern Rail really are experts in such matters.