#trans truths

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #13 toss your trash discreetly

(Did I used to call these tips? I can’t remember my own words. Help me out, would ya?)

This is for folks who are comfortable using the men’s restroom in public, yet experience unfortunate cyclic bleeding in unfortunate private places. I will not say the word. I will also refrain from using anatomical language. HOWEVER I do have to talk supplies, articles of clothing, and bathroom etiquette. We good?

Background: Most stalls in a male-gendered bathroom stalls do not have a little silver trash box hanging on the wall. Times are a changin’ (even if the government’s gone to shit), and more and more locations are upgrading their facilities to support the changing population need. ALSO tampons are really for clogging drains, just like “flushable” wipes, and, of course, pads.

Call this a procedural guide to discretely dispose of used items and packaging in a men’s restroom.

It takes a little forethought and packing (no, the other kind of packing. Like you put stuff in your backpack for school.) :)

You will need:

your pads/tampons of choice

A few small ziplock bags (the 1/2 sandwich size? The really little ones?)

A few alcohol or handwashing wipes

Optional: a pocket pack of tissues (usually the regular toilet paper works just fine)

Wear something with pockets. It is totally fine to pack different items in different pockets. If you’re at school or work, putting on a jacket before you use the bathroom gives extra pockets. You MUST put all your items in your pockets before hitting the bathroom. If you’re out and about, by all means, take your computer bag, waist pack, carry-on suitcase, etc.,or whatever you usually carry into the bathroom.

Procedure:

You’re in the bathroom stall. Do your business first and use toilet paper and toss it in the toilet, but wait to flush.

Clean your hands with a wipe.

Open your little bag, line it with a few layers of toilet paper or tissues.

Flush the toilet immediately before removing your protection. If you use something makes a sound when it peels off your underwear, the flush sound will cover the peeling.

Keep ahold of the bag, and remove your used protection, and drop it in the bag. If the TP in the bag saturates, add some more, but don’t sweat it.

Unwrap and apply fresh protection. If that makes a sound, just flush the toilet again.

Put the refuse/packaging in your zippy bag and zip it tightly. If you can’t hold onto it while you get dressed, put it between your shoes. Trust me, no one cares in the mens’.

Pretend to cough or sneeze. Pull out some more toilet paper and cough again or blown your nose. Wrap that TP around the outside of your bag.

Leave the stall. Throw away your “tissues” in the regular bin.

Wash your hands at the sink with soap and dry them. Look at your hands, not in the mirror. Toss your towel in the regular trash and be on your way.

This is rare, but if someone makes eye contact with you or says “hi” or something, give a tiny smile or shoulder nod and move on past. (As I’ve said before, people are dicks who believe they have the right to know and infer everything about you from a single glance. Sometimes people assume a person using a stall is either quite young—which, well, a lot of transguys look young—or they think you have a disability. They probably think they’re being politely social, but it’s a douchy thing to do.)

[smol-bean-dragon-hoard]

Full offense, but if you purposely use a trans person's dead name to address them, ESPECIALLY with the intention of making them uncomfortable, you're scum.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #11: logos and outward masculinity

The logo of a sportswear or an outdoors lifestyle brand promotes your pass, regardless of the item.

Adidas pants ✅

Nike backpack ✅

Puma shoes ✅

Eddie Baur t-shirt ✅

Other branded clothing is great (I’m over 30 and love me some Hollister), and some particular companies have exceptional pieces to fit changing bodies. There’s one issue, though: the styles and cuts of clothes at the moment are either highly feminized or loose and neutral.

OBVIOUSLY neutral is awesome and a big step forward for our society. However, when people observe others with the relaxed shirt and baggy jeans, they are more likely to check you out for other cues defining your gender.

People (and particularly cis heterosexual people of a certain age, if you get my drift) are nosy little assholes who feel they have the right to categorize and subsequently judge you based on a 1/100th of a second glance.

You don’t deserve this. Our community doesn’t deserve this. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry people are stubborn and closed minded. I’m sorry the political climate is purposefully marginalizing us.

I probably seem like a binary-pushing dickwad for writing up this stuff. I know what it looks like, and I own that language.

What I’m trying to do, at its root, is to proliferate techniques of espionage. You know, Alan Turing and code breaking. The Underground Railroad. One if by land or two if by sea. War is fucking eternal, and you better get it before it gets you.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #8

Five things that help you pass—and yes, these are going to be mega cliche, but I didn’t make the rules. People just auto assign you based on outward appearance.

Square neckline on your haircut— just ask your stylist to square off the back. They’ll know what you mean. That’s really the line that separates a pixie from a men’s style.

A wallet in your pocket—this is especially great if your jeans are just a little distressed around the wallet bulge on your back pocket.

Chunky shoes— and by this, I mean shoes that are larger/more visible than the cuffs of your pants. Don’t size up and stuff your toes; that’s just uncomfortable. Think about it this way: vans are wider/thicker soled than converse. The same can apply to any shoe style.

A computer bag— no purse, no clutch, no wallet wristlet… get a computer bag with a messenger style cross-body strap. Put whatever you want inside, but any bag that hits above your waist automatically looks femme from the view of passers-by.

A men’s watch—Smart watches are great, but a classic-style analog watch with a thick leather strap looks really snappy.

*bonus* for your all-day sipping beverages, carry a travel mug or water bottle, not a plastic cup with a straw. I don’t know why, but those to-go cups with their plastic lids and fun designs… just don’t go with the masc vibe.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #4

On T, some things that didn’t need wiping now do— and yes, you need to follow the rules you learned in kindergarten.

Jsyk, I’m not talking about anything below the belt (unless you inject IM into your thigh).

First thing’s first: testosterone itself. The hormone is generally made with a carrier oil, which renders it shelf-stable and easy for your body to access after you inject. When you are injecting, it’s not just poke-squeeze-done. After removing your needle, gently wipe the injection spot before putting clothing over it—it can and will make oil spots on your clothes. If you have runoff or any other liquid testosterone that ends up on your fingers, the bathroom counter, etc., use toilet paper (or something disposable) to wipe, then wash your hands with soap so as not to keep the trail going (with your fingerprints and stuff—CSI will def track you down).

You will perspire more when you’re on T. When sweat drips from your face, DO NOT under any circumstances use your hand or your shirt to wipe it off. Kleenex, toilet paper, cotton pads, facial wipes, blotting paper from the makeup aisle, or whatever else you can find that is clean and disposable is a much better option. Cotton handkerchiefs are commonly recommended as well, but, due to oil and bacteria transfer, they can only be used ONE time before needing washing.

If an acne spot starts giving up infected fluid or blood, regardless of where it is on your body, use a clean blotter, and rather than pat, hold it down for a few seconds. If you need to do it again, take a new clean thing (say, a cotton ball) or a clean spot on the thing (say, a washcloth) to do the hold down maneuver for a second (third, etc., whatever) time. If you press the open sore with the exact same item/part of item, you’re allowing for bacteria that came out of the spot to get back on your skin, where it can cause more acne.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #9

Why you need these three things NOW:

Antibacterial soap. Exfoliating mitt. Antibacterial lotion.

You’ll probably develop oiler skin and some body acne when you’re on T. (And it might stick around for years and years, unfortunately). But— we can fight it with just 3 things.

When you shower, put the antibacterial soap bar inside the exfoliating mitt. Then scrub your entire body, including your face. Now your pores are cleared, and you’re poised to moisturize without breeding another bacteria factory.

When you finish your shower, dry yourself completely and slather the antibacterial lotion over your entire body, including your face. Now, when you put on clean clothes, your sweat is less likely to make bacteria-and acne-breeding ground.

Also, take the lotion in the shower. Bam. Shave cream (for the legs and whatever else— I have medical patches that have to go on shaved skin.) You can use it as face shave gel, but you’ll have to apply it in a very thin layer.

Take the lotion in the bedroom. It’s water based and antibacterial. Perfect for you, your toys, your friends…whatevs. It does leave a little residue, but it won’t leave infections—of all kinds.

Take it with you! Put it in your hand sanitizer—now it doesn’t strip your hands while cleaning them. Mix it with sunscreen if chemicals or zinc don’t agree with you.

Keep using your three power tools - products- and you may see a difference in the quality of your skin.

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #6

What’s up with social passing, anyway?

Passing is largely defined as the condition or point has come when a passerby would see you, and, based on features, will assume you are male.

Yes, it’s all social and institutional mysoginy, which is bullshit and needs to be noticed and worked on, whether through bills or laws or pride or protests… But, in the same way,I’ve addressed concepts such as “the silhouette,”most public spaces and those who occupy them. In a single glance, people tend to read one’s gender presentations and and they automatically allocate you to the basic (if outdated) categories of XX or XY. It’s just the sad truth.

Again, this is all highly opinionated, I know, but I’ve lived in 2 different cities over the past 10 years, and I’ve met my fair share of oblivious/unkind/unwanted attention. Let’s just say that a lot of people still living under rocks, and a good handful of professionals (usually nurses) who have received inclusivity training and wear a badge or pin identifying themselves as LGBT friendly have not received updated information or training beyond the basics. Much of the presented literature not current. People may insist on calling you a previous. Often it is unintentional, but it hits the point home: training is basic, doesn’t not ebb and flow with evolving lingo, name or using your preferred pronouns. Many folks (especially medical professionals) is from backlogged DVM, late -90s era pamphlets and news articles (such as those disseminated from PFLAG,) and legal specifications that read “do not do/say xxx, or you will be immediately fired for breaking that the pesky laws drawn up with Title IV”. That pertains to things like providing service (like in restaurants, barber shops, caregivers in the hospital, etc. ) and abolishing police and personal related to whom is allowed to be in public space.(park, theater, median in the freeway…whatevs.) And, jsyk, you can report mistreatment and advocate for yourself—usually by first stating your problem to the lead nurse/boss /manager/etc). Bring up possible Title IV infraction a little longer down the road. Most of the time the business, hospital, etc, will find someone somewhere to translate respectful speech for the …backward, I guess?

When you’re in a situation where you are speaking to someone such as a receptionist in a medical office, be prepared for hiccups. One of the best ways to get started and easily establish the who, how, and when is by using honorifics. Yes, it’s a bit (ok, a lot) scary to initiate conversations with strangers, but here’s the logic: in clinical, business, and academic situations, greeting the person with an honorific (like “Good morning, sir,”), allows them to feel good about themselves and want to be equally kind, which leads to a higher opportunity of the interaction going well. In my experience, the receptionist will usually use a non-gendered name for me, like “Sweetie.” In this case, the other person is perceiving you as young, and their mind has glammed on to that, rather placing you as XX or XY’) I’ve also had several instances where I”ve been called “bud,” which I find entertaining ok, since this indicates the person (usually a male person, for some reason) is reading you as both young and male. Past honorifics and greetings, depending highly on the situation, you’ll become a name and a pronoun (as the receptionist speaks to the MA, etc.). Try not to interrupt, but when it’s your talking term, here are the phrases that can keep you from feeling quashed under a past identity. Saying “My name is (masc name), although in the record it might be under (femme name).” is a great place to start. Usually your conversation partner will get with it. If they either don’t respond or continue to misgender you, jump back into the conversation at any pause point and say something like “My pronouns are he/him/his.” Or “I use they/them pronouns.” or whatever the case may be. Almost 100% of the time, the other speaking partners are misinformed, and they don’t have a problem with switching to correct terms. There’s usually no need to state that you’re trans (that’s really not anyone’s business—you don’t need to be blatant in the waiting room, even if you’re there to see the doctor who prescribes you T.) If you still feel comfortable talking to the receptionist or whoever, consider asking for your preferred name and pronouns to be added to your chart. Most of them have forms with space given for that info. If they don’t seem to be able to do it right away, I can 100% assure you that the program they use to keep personal information and/or the physical printed forms can be edited by an administrator of the system. ( Years of SharePoint training not yet gone to seed.)

[my-wayward-son]

Trans truths #12

You need about 4 times more Rogaine shampoo than you do regular shampoo.