#trauma rant

[static-soc]

When does it end? Is there ever an end to processing trauma? I've been actively trying to process my own trauma since I was 12. I'm now 23.

3 years ago I would have said I'm almost at the finish line and I know what I went through and that it was bad.

And that's just it. I knew it was bad. That's it. I knew the outline.

Now I feel like I had only really understood a drop of what we felt and survived.

Idk.. it sucks. I hate it. Can I get 🫂 in the comments please 😭

**

Edit because I dont want this to get lost even tho this has no reblogs.

It can get better. It does.

Nothing is ever perfect or cured. We will always still have flashbacks and still be triggered; but the box we live in can get bigger.

When the dragon (triggers) breathe fire I'm allowed to arm myself with coping mechanisms I find comfortable and that work for me (the 5 senses one does not fucking work sorry not sorry). I'm allowed to cry about it I'm allowed and encouraged to feel all the damn things I was told were too much while I had to hold my own Mother's hand through countless tantrums. I was never too much. I was a child.

Anyways, just finished listening to the audiobook "What My Bones Know" by Stephanie Foo

[desiarthoe]

Staying home in these trying times doesn't fare so well. I tend to comb through my mind every bathroom break, every pour of water or every moment I don't take a cigarette break.

There's a kaleidoscope of problems to pick out from but one of my friends survived a house fire the other day, so I think it's safe to say that mine don't warrant an interrogation. I couldn't help but think what if I lost him, the rock song suggestions and sudden requests of 'check my work out', where would I find it? Perhaps within another friend? Would those two like each other? Would introducing them cause me to drift away like the traffic light you can't get out of while going to work?

I guess this is my cue to unpack the sorrow of being always that friend, the one other people use as a 'friend rehabilitation centre' or a designated ' friend pick up point'.

"Oh hello would you like to pick one of my cool friends and then say my service is terrible?"- like some NPC merchant.

I'm sick of being the friend with eye cutouts in a sheet, drifting along like a ghost in the backs of people's heads.

Fuck you guys and your inability to be deep enough to have individuals to gravitate towards you, and your inability to retain them.

[zaintastic]

One look at Nesta and you can tell that she is not OK. You can tell why a proud person would be going to such lows and harming herself, being self destructive.

Distancing herself from all the happiness that she clearly thinks she does'nt deserve. The inner circle should be more understanding as that is there MO. "We dont deserve nice things" blah blah.

But no. What a bitch Nesta! sullying our good name and sullying Feyre's good name in seedy taverns and not fucking Cassian instead.

Solution? Oh yeah we are the brightest people in the world, ofcourse!!!! Because everything wo do is right. 👍

LOCK HER IN A FUCKING HOUSE.

[sweaters-and-vertigo]

traumas don’t add, they subtract. take it from someone who’s had a horrible traumatic experience every few years since i was 8 years old, they don’t make you stronger they just break you down.

my hands shake all the time, i have random panic attacks that i can’t explain. i worry every day “when is the next one coming? will i be able to handle it or will it break me beyond repair?”

the idea that traumas make you into some kind of badass is so insulting and frustrating i just want to scream.

[massacre-girlypop]

The worst feeling in the world is playing games where the character would do anything for their parent(s). They have that healthy of a relationship to the point where they would lay down their life and well-being for them. Being me thinking “why would you do that? Seems like a waste of time and life” and then realizing I can’t emotionally relate to the feeling of really caring about my parents livelihood and future due to them fraying my emotional sensitivity in all of the worst ways while still creating an empath is miserable.

It’s the recognizing that I can feel what they’re feeling while not being able to truly relate is the scariest thing to me.

[jaxistramatized]

I just wanna make a post about people who  hate towards people with personality disorders specifically. We are children who never got enough attention, or to much. We are young children who just want to be loved. Some of us don’t know boundaries. i  don’t think you all realize what's its like at a young age to call you a “stocker” because i wanted to talk to someone because they liked me as a person and said i was a good person. i don’t think you realize how much the negative outweighs the positives. self hatred is strong. i don’t think you realize what its like. How you can’t take any type of feedback without breaking down unless it’s good. BUT then your mask pulls up and you become avoidant and you do what is need to be done rather than how your feeling and the truth. 

My brain is a house on fire and the smoke alarms have no batteries. Yet i don’t wanna come out of my house because I'm scared of what's outside yet I'm on fire. 

please just hold me

NO PLEASE DON’T 

Just tell me I'm worthless

i just wanna take a nap and forgot i enrolled in school

[static-soc]

One time I found an envelope of pictures of me at my Dad's and when I showed them to my Dad, not only did he have minimal interest in looking at them, he told me to take them because, and I quote "(Step Mom) wouldn't be happy seeing those."

Which tracks considering I tried to put one photo of me up on a ledge and she put a bunch of toys in front of it and when I moved them, she took the photo down and hid it in the coffee table.

Wow, typing this out made me realize how fucked that is. Yaaay.

-Timothy

[desiarthoe]

A brown girl's fear of marriage

On a broader spectrum, there are probably thousands of reasons why a brown woman might be afraid of marriage. The societal bonds, patriarchal rules of matrimony, domestic abuse- you name it. All of which are the leading causes of why modern South Asian women are repulsed by the idea of marriage. However, that is not what scares me, not the men. The men do not scare me, the women do.

South Asian women probably carry the highest number of individuals with generational trauma, inherited from the women in their families, their lives. South Asian moms treat their daughters like burdens, often from fear and sometimes mostly because that's the only treatment of daughters they know of. They treat their daughters like the extended version of themselves, dreams bygone of their youth. Which in turn creates such tremendous pressure and expectations,which when not met, ends in emotional, mental and sometimes physical abuse. So tell me why wouldn't I be scared? Why wouldn't I be scared of loving a man and stepping through his door, only to encounter another version of the torture that I have been put through since birth? Why won't I be scared of the cobweb of complexities that I will be subjected by a mother, who didn't birth me? I am however, expected to treat her like she did.

No one thinks about the absolute trench-like depth of the psychology that goes behind the societal norms that are set while facing your in-laws. Especially for a south Asian woman. Who is expected to leave every thing she has ever left behind, and take on a life that is entirely new. That is what scares me, that I have been treated a stranger all my life in the same home I'm birthed in, I will still remain a stranger in the home I marry into.