STORYTIME: *sigh* I dont even know what to title this 😔 (IM NOT QUITTING DW!!)
Ok so in some posts I made some mention to a huge mental health crisis that I went through from December 2023-April 2024. I never went into much detail but as today is 2 years since I tried to take my life I think it's finally time to share the full thing.
This is a very serious post and if you are triggered by SA, EDs, SH, attempted Su1c1d3, vaping, abus1v3 relationships and severe depression and mental health issues, please do not read past this point! I mean obviously you can butttt im gonna go into detail but just be careful! <3
In December 2023 I met this guy on Roblox who I'll name Chad. I was 12 at the time and I didnt know how old he was but I'll guess abt 17. Yes, 17...
It started off as just playing games together, innocent stuff, but then he asked to be my boyfriend and thats when things started to get really bad.
The first time it happened, all he asked for was a selfie. Of my face, nothing else. Then when I sent that he asked for a bra picture. I said no cuz I wasn't stupid but then he threatened to k1ll me and my family in our sleep if I didnt. Of course I was absolutely terrified that he was so I did. It went from one bra pic, to one full body underwear pic, pictures of my naked b00bs to some utterly disgusting videos of me touching myself that I am not proud of.
Due to the stress from being threatened, I started some very bad habits. I started vaping. Mostly to cope but also to fit in as I had just gone into high school and was a complete outcast. I developed an ED (first it was bul1m1@ but then it turned into an0r3x1a) and I lost 30Lbs. I was already at a healthy weight so this was rly bad. Worst of all I started SHing. I would cut myself, at lot.
Unfortunately Chad thought watching me SH was "sexy" so he would force me to sent videos of me cutting myself completely naked. If I didnt he would threaten to come in to my room in the middle of the night and r4pe me. I also became hypersexual due to being SAed.
This hell lasted from January 2024-April 2024. I was in a cycle of sending nudes, cutting myself, vaping, causing all forms of self destruction and touching myself uncontrollably just to feel something.
By around March/April, i started causing trouble at school. I was getting into fights, causing damage to school property and vaping on school grounds and much more. School was already hell as I was relentlessly bullied everyday and my "best friend" told the entire school that I was sharing nudes so I was labelled the "Schools Slut" and all my "friends" disowned me.
On April 10th I finally had enough of this. I was existing, not living. That night at 7:24pm, I tried to take my life via an OD. I had the bottle of painkillers in my hand and I was about to take them all in one go. Before I did this I decided to listen to one more song before I went. The song that came on my playlist was "Your on your own Kid`" by Taylor Swift. At that moment, seconds before I was about to take my last breath, I put the bottle down and just started hysterically sobbing. I realised that things will get better, there will be brighter days ahead, if I was willing to live through this.
The next morning I voluntarily admitted myself to the psych ward to overcome my problems. I stayed on and off for 2 months.
I was finally released on June 16th and after that I slowly started to get better. Life started to slowly get better from there.
Thankfully since then ive never been back to the psych ward and life has been very good to me recently! I have so many wonderful friends, both online and irl, I am dating the most wonderful person in the world <3, I am no longer insecure, I no longer want to die, I finally quit vaping on 07/06/2025 and I have purpose in my life again!
Every single day I think to myself how grateful I am I didnt take my life. If I could go back in time, id tell Emma...
"Put the pills down because you have so much to live for, just not yet! About this time next year, you'll move back to your hometown and reconnect with the love of your life, get Tumblr, go to London and start learning guitar. This time in 2 years you will have 130+ followers on Tumblr, too many friends to count and an online brother! (ilysm Nick /p ❤️) You will have been dating said love of your life for 11 months. They are incredible and they love you more than anything! Also one of your biggest dreams will have come true, the Michael Jackson biopic is coming very very soon!"
So this is the end of my story. Thankfully it had a very happy ending! 🥹 I just wanted to say, if anyone going through the same thing that I did sees this, youre not alone. Things will get better, I promise! 💜
EMMA IS THE GIRL I WAS: She was scared, miserable, insecure and didnt want to live anymore. She wanted to fit in, she wanted it so much to led to self hatred and depression.
KEIRA/ASH/VEGA IS THE GIRL I AM NOW: She is finally happy. she has an amazing life. She is still a tiny bit insecure but shes ok, shes finally ok! 💕
I wouldn’t wish my worst enemy the same pain I went through when I had to go to the podiatrist to remove an ingrown toenail and the doctor grabbed a scalpel and removed HALF OF MY TOENAIL FROM THE TIP ALL THE WAY TO THE ROOT. I was bedridden for two weeks and the pain was so bad I started hitting my toe hard on the bed frame so it would hurt less.
Henchmen led Whumper down into the basement where they held the Hero team. Whumper followed, hands in the pockets of their black combats, eyes skimming the cold stone walls as they waited for Henchmen to open the door.
“Supervillain said they refuse to talk,” said Henchmen to Whumper, looking back over their shoulder at them and frowning. “Said you’re the best interrogator in the city.”
“Yeah?” Whumper asked, tilting their head, tone bored. “High praise from Supervillain.”
“You don’t look like a good interrogator.”
Whumper let out a small hmph of a laugh which Henchmen went pale at. “I— I mean, it’s just— you’re young. You look younger than me.”
“Looks can be deceiving,” said Whumper with a shrug, half lidded eyes on Henchmen and the door. “I get paid hourly, so if you want Supervillain to pay me more, which I would appreciate—”
Henchmen shook their head and turned their attention back to the lock. “Right sorry.”
Whumper leaned their back against the wall and repressed a sigh. They weren’t a very patient person, which probably came with the job description but how many times had they had this same conversation with other employers.
The lock finally clicked and Whumper pushed off the wall, grabbing the door as they passed Henchmen. They met Henchmen’s eyes, looking up at them with the same blank expression they usually wore.
“Listen, henchmen, it gets pretty bleak when I’m interrogating. You sure you can stomach it?”
Henchmen nodded, though their face expressed their hesitance. “Supervillain said I had to accompany you.”
Whumper blinked, then glanced back at the stairs up to Supervillain’s house before sighing.
“Fine. If you want to impress him so damn much.”
Henchmen blushed, flustered. “I— I—”
Whumper was already walking down the stairs to the Hero team, ignored Henchmen’s embarrassment.
“You coming or what, sycophant?”
“Uh, yes!” Henchmen said and closed the door after them.
Whumper stood at the gate of the powered cell, frowning at the Hero team inside. Their eyes passed over each of them, Whumper knew some of them from the news. Especially the tallest one, Leader. One look at them and Whumper knew they wouldn’t talk if Whumper broke every bone in their body. The rest of them… well, Whumper had more faith in their own talents than the other member’s resilience.
Whumper’s eyes landed on a familiar face sitting furthest from the door, their lips twitching as they met Rogue’s eyes from across the room. Henchmen was getting to work opening the gate when Rogue spoke.
“Whumper?” Rogue asked, their voice a mix of confusion and fear. The rattle of chains as Rogue shifted forwards in the dimly lit cell, squinting.
“Hey, Rogue. Funny meeting like this, huh? How have you been?”
“Good,” said Rogue in that same guarded tone.
“Rogue?” Leader asked. “Who is this?”
“An old friend,” said Rogue, swallowing, their eyes going back to Whumper as Henchmen opened the gate and Whumper stepped through. “We grew up in the same neighbourhood.”
“Mmm,” Whumper hummed fondly. “In the Grouts of the city, eh, Rogue? How’s your mum?”
“She’s good.”
Whumper smiled. “Good, good. Tell her I say hi. She’s a lovely woman.”
“I will.”
“Good to see you, I hope you know this is all just business,” Whumper said gesturing to the cell and themselves with their hand.
“You don’t have to hurt us.”
Whumper’s smile melted from their face, eyebrows raising. “Oh? Your team are all loose lips, huh? You’ll just tell me about Superhero and his secret weapon?”
Rogue went quiet, so did the rest of the cell. A humourless smile crept onto Whumper’s face. “Yeah… I didn’t think this job would be that easy.”
“What do you want?” Leader asked. Whumper flicked their gaze to Leader who was on his knees, hands cuffed to a ring in the wall behind him like the rest of the Hero team. Yikes, what kind of sicko was Supervillain to have metal rings embedded in stone? Whumper supposed it didn’t matter.
“I want to get paid,” said Whumper, stretching their arms above their head. “Ugh, then I want to go home and watch TV. That sound good to you, heroes?”
“I think he meant… like what do you want with them,” said Henchmen quietly to Whumper. Whumper frowned and made a verbal “huh!” in exclamation.
“I just told them,” said Whumper. “Supervillain wants information on Superhero’s secret weapon, I’m here to get that information and get paid.”
Leader curled his lip back into a snarl. “Good luck with that.”
Whumper shrugged. “Thank you, Leader. However I am a professional, I don’t need luck. I’m trained to get stoic people chatty.”
“You really think Supervillain hasn’t tried? Torturing us, depriving us of food and water? Leaving us down here to starve and then when that didn’t work going back to torturing us? We’re built to endure,” said Leader with a mirthless smirk. “We don’t break.”
Whumper nodded. “Okay. We can do this the hard way then.”
Whumper turned to henchmen and asked them to grab a cloth and a hose to attach to the tap. “Oh, and a chair, please, henchmen.”
Henchmen left the room, their footsteps ascending was the only sound permeating the cell. Whumper walked over to the girl sitting directly opposite Leader. The only person on the Hero team that Whumper didn’t recognise. Maybe a new recruit? Leader lurched forward, but Whumper just cocked an eyebrow at Leader.
“What’s your name?” Whumper asked her. “This isn’t the interrogation yet, don’t worry. You don’t have to tell me. Just trying to diffuse the tension.”
Whumper looked at Rogue who kept their eyes trained on Whumper. “How long have ye been down here?”
“A while,” Rogue told them with a huff.
Whumper nodded. “Supervillain really starve all of you?”
“Yeah,” said Rogue, a little sheepishly.
“Nothing you’re not used to,” said Whumper with a little laugh. Rogue joined in, although a bit awkwardly. Whumper’s eyes scanned the other people in the room who looked a bit dazed at the flyaway comment. Then they reclined their head against the wall. “Oh. Sorry. You never told them.”
“It’s okay,” said Rogue with a shrug. “They were bound to find out eventually.”
Whumper nodded again. Then let out a sigh. “You don’t want to tell me Superhero’s plan, do you? Save you all some suffering.”
Rogue laughed. “Not a chance.”
“Well, god loves a trier.”
The door to the basement creaked open and Henchmen came down the stairs and left all the things Whumper asked for at the front of the cell, near the gate. “Ah. Wonderful. Thank you henchmen.”
Whumper stood in front of the team of heroes and cleared their throat while Henchmen attached the hose to the leaky tap.
“Okay. For my first trick, I need a volunteer. Leader?” Whumper asked with a smile. Leader scoffed but nodded. “Sure.”
“Excellent.”
Henchmen freed Leader from the wall, the cuffs staying on and led Leader over to chair that Whumper stood at.
“Sit down,” said Whumper. Leader obliged them, and Whumper grabbed Leader’s arms and brought them up over the back of the chair. It was all very gentle, very professional, as if Whumper wasn’t trying to hurt Leader. It sent warning bells off in Leader’s head, but all he could do was follow along with what Whumper was doing.
Henchmen handed Whumper another pair of handcuffs and Whumper thanked them. Whumper attached one of the cuffs to Leader’s cuff chain, and the other to the chair so Leader couldn’t move his hands away.
“Henchmen will you get the legs?”
“Of course.”
Before long Leader’s ankles were cuffed to the chair as well and Leader couldn’t get up from the seat.
“Alright, people. Last chance.”
“Do you worst.”
Whumper smiled. Then they tipped Leader’s chair back. Leader let out a soft oomph as the chair fell back the rest of the way until Leader was facing the ceiling, Whumper and Henchmen standing above him.
The last thing Leader saw was a towel coming down over his head. Leader would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared of what happened next. None of Supervillain’s men had taken his sight, or tied him to a chair just to force him awkwardly onto the ground. The top of his head was the only thing on the ground, that and his arms that were pinned beneath Leader’s weight on the chair, his legs in the air.
Another towel added to the initial one on top of Leader’s head, then another and Leader could feel his heart in his throat when he heard tape being ripped. The towels were wrapped in a single layer of duct tape over Leader’s eyes and another layer below his chin.
Leader swallowed, his hands balling into fists behind him that was already causing pins and needles in his arms.
There was a moment of silence: the atmosphere balanced on a precarious edge of fear and tension. Whumper nodded at henchmen to turn on the tap and picked up the hose.
“Any takers?” Whumper asked again. They weren’t usually this nice to the people they were torturing, but Rogue was an old friend. “No? Okay. Sorry Leader.”
That was all the warning Leader got before he was inhaling water. It was slow, trickling into his nose and Leader realised with a sickening beat that Whumper was water boarding him.
Leader held his breath on instinct, shaking his head, his arms trapped uselessly behind him. His legs were kicking at the cuffs that kept them locked to the chair.
“Leader?!” One of their team asked, voice shrill. Leader couldn’t tell who, and his lungs were aching with how much he was struggling to get the towels off his face, turning away from the hose that was relentless.
“Leader!”
“Wait! Stop! Stop!”
Whumper stared impassively at all the team members, eyes half-lidded, one hand in their pocket as they regarded them all as if they were all just waiting in line for a coffee.
“You can stop this,” said Whumper matter-of-factly.
One of the members beside Rogue spoke up: “Leader wouldn’t want us to.”
Whumper dropped their head, a sardonic expression crossing their features. “Are you serious? Do you really think Leader is thinking about his ideals right now?”
Leader gasped, unable to hold his breath anymore and he started gagging on the air, gurgling water and retching, his body spasming and limbs pulling at the restraints. Whumper didn’t even blink at the change.
“The instinct when being water boarded,” Whumper began, “is to hold your breath. Which Leader here just learned is a bad idea because eventually your lungs want air.”
“Whumper,” Rogue said in warning, yanking at the chains holding them back.
Whumper’s impassive eyes met Rogue’s. “Leader’s body needs air, except he was inhaling water which triggers his gag reflex and is effectively scorching his throat as we speak.”
“Stop it!” One of the members cried. “Stop narrating your torture!”
Whumper shrugged. “Fine. We can sit in silence if you prefer.”
Whumper did just that. They fell silent and so did everyone else. Leader was choking, convulsing, fighting, gasping, all very wetly, the water pooling around Leader’s head as his body tensed. Leader pushed against the chair, his body going stiff as he tried to tilt the chair back up to stop the easy onslaught of pain.
His brain was screaming at him, his body fighting and not understanding that he should stop trying to breathe but his mind wouldn’t let him stop panicking enough to let him hold his breath.
Leader threw his body weight into his legs forward and to his shock the chair went upright. Then Whumper caught the chair and Leader gasped in sweet sweet air, gasping, gasping, not getting enough air and started choking and spluttering on it.
“You had enough Leader?” Whumper asked, their voice matching their face that was a cold, emotionless thing.
Leader was still breathing in air, trying to get his heartbeat under control, drunk on oxygen.
“Leader?” One of the team asked.
“No… don’t—” Leader rasped, then descended into a coughing fit. “Don’t tell them anything.”
“Oh,” said Whumper, letting the chair fall backwards again. “Sounds like you got a bad cough there Leader. You need some water?”
“No! Wait!” Leader protested.
Whumper let the hose fall over Leader’s face again, and Leader held his breath again like an idiot. Whumper stared down at Leader’s chest, wired so tight, trying not to let drowning bother him.
Whumper looked back at the other members of the team. “This is the easiest way to get answers from people, in my professional opinion. Plus it’s not disgusting, no lasting damage on Leader or you guys, except you know, trauma and psychological damage, but you know what I mean.”
Four horrified expressions looked at Whumper. Whumper glanced back to Henchmen who stood at the tap, their jaw tight.
Whumper knew it was a professional, practical reason why they didn’t really react to inflicting pain on people, but at times like this, when even Supervillain’s right hand was uncomfortable with Whumper’s methods… that made them feel inhuman. Wrong.
Whumper’s eyes found Rogue’s that were burning into them from across the cell. Strangely, they were the only eyes that Whumper really cared about. So funny how the past can creep up on you.
Well, a job is a job at the end of the day, Whumper might as well do one that they’re good at. The people in this room were Heroes because it was their talent. Whumper’s talent was pressure point and pain, and knowing just how far to go to get someone to snap.
Leader gasped below Whumper, bringing their attention back to the writhing worm on a hook below them. “Ah. There we go. The inhale. Human anatomy fucks you everytime, huh, Leader?”
“You’re a sadistic bastard!” One of the team members screamed.
Whumper frowned. “I don’t enjoy this. It’s just a job. Same as you Heroes, and your Superhero. Ask yourself this, if Leader was in your position and you were in his, would he protect you or would he protect Superhero?”
“You’re a bastard!”
Leader wheezed, trying to push himself up again, but Whumper had placed a foot on the chair by Leader’s head. “Ah, ah, ah. Leader. You’re not breathing again until someone starts talking.”
Leader convulsed erratically under the water, trying to lift his head up to try and get some air in his lungs. He craned his neck up, but the air attacked his senses and Leader gasped and fell back again. The hose mercilessly flowed over his nose again.
Whumper looked up suddenly. “Hey, do any of you know if Leader has asthma? Cause if so you need to decide faster, this is not a good thing to do to people who are asthmatic.”
“And it’s a good thing for normal people?” One of them asked and Whumper scoffed.
“Semantics,” they said.
“We have to tell them,” said Rogue quietly.
“What?!”
“We can’t Rogue.”
“Listen,” Rogue said, their voice edging on desperate. “I know Whumper, okay?! They’re not going to stop until they get what they want. They can sit here all day and torture Leader and not feel a thing.”
“Rogue’s right,” said Whumper with a sigh. “I get paid by the hour, so really this whole debate back and forth is good for me. Financially I mean. Take your time. Leader, do you mind if they take their time?”
Leader gurgled and choked and spluttered.
Whumper smiled at the team. “See? He’s fine. Take your time.”
“Oh shut up, Whumper,” said the quiet girl. Whumper looked at her, the new one that sat opposite Leader and wouldn’t offer her name. When she looked at Whumper now her eyes burned with a sizzling hatred.
Whumper smiled at her, recognising that level of hatred as their own. Whumper remembers being where she was, powerless to stop bad things from happening to the people they loved.
It felt full circle, that moment, and it ignited something within Whumper that was a little feral, and broken, and wrong. Whumper’s eyes flashed at her, whose glare was unbroken and burning a hole through Whumper’s head, or it would if it could.
Below them, Leader was still spluttering and choking and gagging and wrenching and writhing but Whumper’s attention was fixed on the new girl now.
“Huh. You’re chatty now? Wanna share your name?”
“No,” she said. “I want you to die.”
“Thats a little forward, considering we’ve just met,” said Whumper, glancing at Rogue, whose wide eyes were fixed squarely on the girl. “They always like this, Rogue? Little rude for a Hero.”
“I don’t care,” she said. “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me.”
Whumper hummed to themselves. They moved the hose away from Leader’s head and smiled wanly at the sounds of Leader gasping and coughing on air again.
“Still with us, Leader?” Whumper asked, not taking their eyes off of the angry girl.
“Go… go ffu—urself,” Leader wheezed between laboured breaths.
“Waterboarding is special, huh, Leader? You need breaks in between or it’s not as effective.”
“You—”
Whumper pressed the hose back to Leader and Leader immediately started coughing. Whumper smiled at the girl whose jaw tightened at Whumper’s blasé style of interrogation.
Whumper took the hose off of Leader again, to more coughing and spluttering.
“How’s the cough, Leader?”
“Ff—” Leader didn’t even get a syllable out before Whumper pressed the hose down on his nose again.
“Leader!” One of the other teammates exclaimed, but Whumper had their gaze trained on the girl. Watching her muscles tightening.
Whumper smirked.
Oh they just found the weak link. Maybe they had a special relationship with Leader.
Whumper told Henchmen to turn the tap off and dropped the hose to the floor. Things just got interesting.
“You can put Leader upright,” said Whumper to Henchmen as they walked to the angry girl. Whumper crouched down in front of her. She glared up at Whumper.
“Whumper,” said Rogue in warning. Whumper smiled down at the girl and said: “Rogue, if you try and dissuade me again I will have Henchmen gag you.”
The girl’s eyes flicked briefly to Leader who was pushed to an upright position. Leader spewed some water from his lungs onto the floor in front of him, head lolling forward and groaning.
“What’s your name, little Hero?” Whumper asked.
“Little Hero,” she replied, eyes hard as she stared at Whumper.
Whumper grinned. “Funny.”
Whumper got to their feet and walked over to Leader, purposefully. They ripped the towels from Leader’s head and grabbed one, coiling it meticulously into a shape resembling coiled rope. Then Whumper shoved it between Leader’s teeth, thankful that the towel was long enough to tie it behind Leader’s head and double knot it.
Leader groaned behind the gag.
“Okay,” said Whumper. “Because you all seem like good guys, I’m giving you a bonus last chance to tell me what I want to know before I really traumatise you all.”
Leader wasn’t even really there behind the eyes anymore, just trying to focus on breathing, on surviving. He wasn’t even pulling at the cuffs anymore.
“How can he answer?!” Rogue demanded hotly. “You just gagged Leader!”
Whumper’s smile seemed to suck all the coldness from the room. “I’m not asking him questions, Rogue. I’m asking all of you. Now then. We go again.”
This time, Whumper left the chair upright and just yanked Leader’s head back. Then Whumper grabbed the hose and grinned at everyone.
He stuck it on Leader’s nose. After a few seconds it was as if Leader was being electrocuted, his body convulsing violently against the chair to the cries of his teammates.
“Stop!”
“Stop it!”
“WHUMPER!” Rogue screamed, all of them struggling and pulling on their restraints. Whumper didn’t react. They didn’t even look at any of them.
“Stop please!” One of them cried wetly, oh yeah. Good. Tears meant they were almost there. On the verge of telling Whumper what they wanted to hear.
Leader’s hands and ankles were bleeding from how hard he was pulling and straining at the cuffs. Whumper had to commend the team, they don’t think they could withstand seeing someone they love and trust being tortured like this.
“THE WEAPON IS A PERSON!” Whumper pulled the hose away immediately, head swivelling to the confessor. Whumper grinned when they saw it was the little Hero. Oh, Whumper knew she would snap first.
Whumper smiled sweetly while Leader coughed and vomited water from his lungs pathetically. Whumper pulled the gag from Leader’s mouth and more water pooled out, Leader’s throat expanding and vomiting water onto the ground. Well, Whumper wouldn’t be a good interrogator if they let their leverage die.
“Who?” Whumper asked softly.
The entire team was shivering, chests heaving, emotion running heavy through them, as if they were all getting water boarded. Hero’s wide eyes were on Leader who had appeared to go unconscious. Whumper didn’t care.
“Who?” They asked again, more firm this time.
“Let him go.”
“Tell me who or I’ll slit his throat right now, Hero.”
Hero pursed her lips at Whumper, eyes burning.
“Oh,” Whumper said, glancing between Hero and Leader. “Oh… you’re not in love with him, are you? No. That wasn’t loving forlorn glances that was… that was guilt, wasn’t it?”
“Whumper please—” Rogue begged but Whumper held up a hand that effectively silenced them. Hero sniffed, eyes glued on Leader in the chair.
Whumper smiled. “Oh Supervillain is gonna laugh when he realises he had Superhero’s secret weapon locked in the basement this whole time.”
“Henchmen, will you be a dear and check Leader’s pulse for me?”
There was a few seconds of silence, the team waiting with bated breath that turned into a collective sigh when Henchmen said: “still alive.”
“Wonderful,” said Whumper. “We need to bring him upstairs with us—”
“No!” Hero yelled, struggling against her own restraints. “Leave him alone! It’s me you want, take me,” she pleaded, tears streaming freely down her face.
“To make sure he’s okay,” said Whumper pointedly. “When waterboarding goes wrong sometimes people get hypothermia, so we have to be careful. But don’t worry, Hero. You’re coming too.”
I'm reaching out during one of the toughest times in my life. After my mentally unwell roommate moved out unexpectedly, my disabled roommates and I are left in a crisis. She left us with all the bills and only a few days to pay rent. To make matters worse, her boyfriend threatened us with a gun, trying to illegally evict us. She even took our fridge, leaving us without food and a trashed house. As someone living with a disability and without a car, this sudden financial and emotional burden is overwhelming. The funds raised will go directly toward rent, utilities, and groceries—essentials we desperately need. If we can raise enough, I hope to get a car to help us regain some independence. Please share this post to help us keep a roof over our heads and rebuild after this traumatic experience. Your support means the world to us.
My name is Xander, and I’m reaching out for help during one of the most diff… Xander Kelley needs your support for Help Disabled Roommates R
I made some memes about myself I think they're okay but TRIGGER WARNING..... Ehhhh here goes
Me: My fear of insects has got to be irrational
Also Me: (Remembers the time I had a colony of fire ants biting my hand for 3 minutes before realizing) ....or not...
someone: Man I lost someone close to me...
Me:(Lost basically entire family to random Illnesses and accidents, also lost new family after being abandoned, by getting hit by a car and not being able to contact any of them for a prolonged period of time basically making them ALL think I'm dead) Oh man that sucks I'm here for you.
Them: you wouldn't even understand the pain I'm going through!!
Me: You're probably right my apologies.
People around me: You never do anything but stay in your room and sleep
What I actually do in my room: exercise, listen to music perhaps WHILE exercise, reading, studying, looking into various things that are needed for house or to live, playing games that stimulate my mind, and think of types of fashion styles I can make with my wardrobe, coming up with witty jokes, practicing my singing, contemplating philosophy.
The world's a library and everyone's a book, full of their own stories.
Me: Hey remember (random traumatic event) I wanted to say even though you put me through that I forgive you and love you.
Person: What are you talking about I never did/say that to you. I don't even remember that! Why should I be accountable for something I don't remember!!
Me:(yeah all the drugs and all the illegal activities must have definitely helped JOG those memories!!! ....dumbass)
Me: God, I hate the very blood flowing in my veins. I know I'm not a bad person but I'm not entirely good either.
Person: You're totally fine.
Also me: (Super sensitive to light and noise, super taster, apparently aspd, ddd, PTSD, and schizoaffective disorder with a small history of self-harm) .... Yeah I'm good! 👍
All my friends finding love, and happiness and leaving me behind.
Me sitting in the background: yeah this is good, there wasn't anything left here for me anyway, as long as their happy and well off I will try to be too.
Me: Man why do I hate myself!!!
*Remembers time that parental & step figure would beat and abused me, also would use me as main topic during fights despite me trying to be the best kid with getting good grades and trying to help out, as well as told me I was better off dead, that I was a betrayer and that I should have been killed when they have a chance. Also the time in middle school when I was told I should be blamed for everything bad ever done and shoved into a locker, had a rock dropped on my head and almost drowned while parental figure only seemed to care about soaked pants, also remembers time when beginning middle school teachers and students bullied me and have me extra homework for being talkative and annoying only lightened up after grandmother died, both times I found love they cheated on me or didn't inform me of the new partner despite me being open and okay with polyamory, self struggle to realize I'm demi(romantic and sexual), Became homeless,entered foster care, got abandoned by parent in another state for 8 years. tried to Oof twice before getting hit by a car and surviving despite not trying the third time and was walking to get groceries.
Me: ...Damn
Also Me: (Realizes thats just the tip of my proverbial iceberg) ......Daaaaaaaaamn
I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s okay if you’re not over it!! It’s okay to still be grieving, it’s okay to still be angry, it’s okay to still be sad, emotions are important and are meant to be felt! It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, the process of moving on is long and non-linear and different for everyone! I know society tends to push this idea that there’s only acceptable amount of time to be upset about the past before people think it’s weird, but please don’t let that make you feel ashamed! Take your time to feel how you feel. Don’t feel pressured to forgive others who harmed you if you don’t want to either, it’s not necessary for you get over it! But please, do try to forgive yourself. 💕
im cryign i turned on my flashlight and thought i saw someone standing next to me through a reflection in my cabinnets glass door but it was just octopussy sitting on teh tv im shaking
