Rereading the storm light series now that I have the physical books and just got to Jasnah's "philosophy lesson" in the streets of Karbranth. That moment when her tone grows extra harsh towards the would be robbers and Shallan wonders "what was done to you?"
From what I recall we ended in Wind and Truth still not having a full idea of Jasnah's backstory and I felt like Sanderson was setting up for revealing more of it in the next half of the series.
From this little bit, I wonder if Jasnah is a SA survivor. Obviously it doesn't take having experienced it to hate it, and the line before Shallan's question doesn't even directly mention rape (tho she did earlier). But still it feels like an important moment that I don't recall having been elaborated on later. The only time I remembered this moment being brought back up again was in Wind and Truth during her debate with Taravangian.
Regardless I really hope the flashback chapters in book 6 are Jasnah's, she was my favorite character when I read Way of Kings for the first time and is still one of my all time favorites.
Hey there! I really appreciate your E33 takes, particularly your posts about Verso. It's great to see someone debunking bad takes after r/expedition33 gave me actual psychic damage. Their reading of him and almost every other character is catastrophically bad, always aiming for the most bad faith or edgy interpretations possible.
I was curious if you have an opinion on this one common Reddit take: "Verso intentionally seduced Sciel or Lune knowing that his plans would kill them and therefore he is SCUM." I've played the game twice, did both romance routes and did not get that impression at all. Sciel approaches him first and stresses that it's a casual, no-strings FWB arrangement, which she ends after discovering Pierre can be brought back. Lune does not sleep with him until the conclusion of her personal quest in Act 3, which is after Verso abandons his original plans but before he changes his mind after seeing Aline return for the final Renoir boss fight.
Neither of them are a deep, intimate romance with feelings attached. Both Sciel and Lune initiate the s*xual encounters and Verso is free to reject them via player choice. To accuse him of seducing them (or even r*p*ng them, I wish I was exaggerating this particular Redditor claim jfc) feels like a denial of both women's sexual agency. It also feels OOC for Verso, who doesn't want to get too attached to the party members in spite of his own desire for emotional connection. I'm not downplaying Lune and Sciel's deaths in his ending either, but they seemed more like collateral casualties that Verso is visibly upset about rather than coldblooded murder targeting them specifically.
Sorry for writing an essay in your askbox, I just hope I'm understanding this bit of Verso discourse right. Please feel free to add your thoughts and any further debunking or clarification.
oh ANON you have no idea how many thoughts i have about this. like, so many. And i’ve had some really great conversations with other fans too about it. the topic feels deeply complex and I think in the full hindsight of the game it will land differently for some people depending on the personal context they bring to it. (thanks, btw, for reading my posts!) Let’s get into it, starting with easy and getting to the harder ones further down:
1. The romantic encounters are entirely skippable.
You may get offered one or both, but they only proceed if you--the player--elects to do so. Therefor, there is no “canon” scenario around how they happen, or don’t happen. It’s 100% canon that Verso can hook up with either Sciel or Lune, and it’s 100% canon that he turns them both down. To that end, using it as ammunition in trying to make a list of sins for blaming the character is, I think, on shaky ground from the start. Harping on it just calls attention to the game mechanics clashing with the story. Does the game need romance/hookups? No. Maybe they did it to match genre conventions for RPGs. Maybe they did it because the devs really like that aspect of games. Maybe they thought it was realistic and appropriate for adults in their 30s to consider having casual, Friends-with-benefits intimacy in their last year of life while out in the wilderness knowing they could die tomorrow. All of those are valid reasons, but at the end of the day the player has to elect to participate.
2. These are not romantic relationships.
This is worth mentioning because we talk about “romancing” an NPC in the sense that “romance” has a verb context particular to video games. But these are not actual romantic relationships. Neither party makes a commitment, and the language used to describe the encounters themselves is euphemistic and somewhat distancing: “adventure”, “helping with my song” etc. These are hookup scenes, fade-to-black sexual encounters, not people falling in love and getting betrayed by someone they thought they adored.
This is a choice I actually really *like* about the game. While I think either pairing could be the basis of a potential relationship in another life, in an AU fanfic or something, in this world that seems both out of reach and risky. These aren’t high school protagonists falling for their teammates or even people in their 20s having their first adult love story. These are 32-year old warriors, explorers, and expeditioners ready to die for the mission. If they want to have sex, then go fucking forward. Seduce whoever you want. Get that booty; I’m not gonna judge you for slamming the sexy hobo.
3. Both women initiate the encounters. Verso doesn’t pursue or seduce them. Neither does he manipulate or arrange a scenario to foster such.
With Sciel, Verso either doesn’t understand her offer at first, or he makes the safe comment just in case. I just watched this scene recently with the Dr.Mick playthrough on Twitch (I am loving his stream it’s great. no spoilers!), and he makes a good point, which I’ll paraphrase here: Sciel is being vague with her initial question. In a survival situation like this, if Verso thought she was propositioning and she wasn’t, that can backfire badly and potentially cause group disruption. So Verso asking about Nevrons is the safer way to react until he can get clarification. This whole part of the stream is worth watching because he makes some great observations about both characters. And I am very interested to see how he returns to this relationship after he gets to Act 3.
^ all this might seem off topic a bit, but I wanted to just highlight a stream I’m enjoying and the fact that Verso is actually doing the opposite of seducing, here. It takes multiple comments for him and Sciel to be on the same page about her offer, and he doesn’t goad or flirt to push it. I won’t go into the Lune scene much, except to say that when I played, I didn’t even realize I was triggering it, it was that vague. I actually wanted to romance Lune so I was happy, but I didn’t know that would be the outcome for the dialog choices. This is how oblique the game is about this stuff.
4. Should there even be a romance mechanic in this game?
I can see an argument that they only did it to fit the genre tropes and not because the story needs it. But I also think it’s okay to depict adults having sex in a story and it’s okay to do that in a relationship mechanic since we’ve all played games that present it that way. It’s fine. I romanced Lune. I felt like a heel at the end of the game, but the run is the run. I played the game I played.
5. Hard topic now: Neither encounter is rape, sexual assault, or coercion.
The parties are willing participants both times.. I think even framing the act 3 Lune scene in that way is beyond ridiculous, since Verso was Lune’s ally with no conspiracy when they hooked up. Therefore I’ll be primarily talking about the Sciel Act 2 scene for the next points.
I’ll get into the complexity of foreknowledge later, but for now I’ll say this: in the space of what the characters are experiencing in act 2 and what expectations they have for the sexual encounter itself, Sciel and Verso are both consenting adults. Nothing happens in that encounter that harms either party, and they got what they wanted from it. The future gommage is not a result of their having sex, and it happens even if the player declines the seduction. I’ve thought about this a lot, and I just *can’t* interpret this scene as SA or worse. Doing so denies Sciel the agency she has over her own choices (@doubtmask I’m sure you can elaborate on that), and it feels like this framing is often used as a bad-faith argument to vilify Verso by players who are probably mad at him for other reasons.
THAT BEING SAID---
6. In the full context of Act 2, i think Verso sleeping with Sciel is deeply grossly shitty.
If I were in Sciel’s place, and I came back from the dead, and I realized that I had been intimate with someone who was planning events he knew would cause me to die, I would feel gross. I would feel like my trust had been violated. I would lose respect for him and feel betrayed. I don’t expect a character to feel like I do, but I admit I think she should have been more critical about this to him. It feels like the writers just didn’t want to spend time on that angle, so they reinforced her cool nature and her excitement about getting her husband back. Whatever, it’s a writing choice.
On the topic of Verso, though... I think he was wrong to do it. Probably he was lonely--I do think his affection for the team is real--but regardless, I think he was wrong to say yes to her. I take sex pretty seriously as a safety issue, even a one-time type, and so this is a big nope on the ethics for me. If you’re someone who has been lied to by partners before, and you play this game and feel grossed out by the implications of Verso having sex with someone he is manipulating to their ultimate death--that’s 100% valid. I don’t ever want to tell someone they’re wrong for feeling grossed out by that. I could understand if that tarnishes the character for you forever, honestly.
THAT BEING SAID...
7. Not everyone has that same orientation to casual sex.
I fully believe there are people in the world who would see a hookup up like that as a completely separate thing from any future betrayal in another context. I know because I’ve met people who are that casual about it. This is a situation where I think the judgements we make against a character reveal more than you’d think about how we personally feel about sex, safety, bodies, etc. Just like it surprised me as an adult to realize how many people have tried cocaine, I’ve also been surprised by the wide breadth of attitudes people have towards sex.
It’s entirely plausible that for Verso and Sciel, their hook up has nothing do with his actions in leading them to the monolith. And the fact that she offers to sleep with him again in Act 3 indicates to me that Sciel, at least, doesn’t regard their first encounter as a violation of her safety or a sexual exploitation. (I could make a joke here about the French being hedonists, but tbh I don’t know enough about French culture to know how they feel about hookups either.)
So that leaves me at an impasse: Would I be angry? Do I find his participation in their hookup icky in hindsight?
Yeah. But I am not the characters, and the characters are not me.
8. That brings me to another question: what is the line between being a “shitty” character and an “evil” character?
Can a person be shitty and selfish and even take advantage when it comes to sex, without being a predator? I don’t know. I think that line will vary for everyone. I watch the camp scenes and I just don’t think we’re meant to see Verso as a predator. We’re just not. If the game wanted us to read it that way, they would have had him initiating. They would have made it unskippable. They would have brought it up in act 3. They would have done so many different choices.
I also think it’s worthwhile here to note that the lead writer of the game is a woman. While gender doesn’t determine if someone is writing something in a right/wrong/good/bad way, this isn’t a game where the writing and production team are all men and where it feels like the romance scenes are presented for gamer fan service for a male audience. I don’t get any of that vibe.
9. Finally: In the list of Verso’s sins, letting Sciel seduce him is like... #89435 in the rankings
Y’all.
Y’all.
HE ERASES THE ENTIRE CANVAS.
Let’s have some perspective here. I stan a problematic character, that’s for sure. And if you want a reason to convince people he’s bad, you don’t have to fall back on exaggerating or misrepresenting his romance scenes to be felonies. Our boy has done enough. He let a monster free knowing that the monster would obliterate the people he has befriended. He let his allies participate in the very course of action that led to their own demise, while believing they were fighting for their right to live. And if you choose his ending, he facilitates the end of what remains of the world and all the beings within it.
You don’t need to say “But Verso seduced them!!” It’s really not necessary. He’s already not getting any presents from Santa this year, trust me. The ones who dislike him already have reasons enough, and the ones who do like him aren’t going to be swayed by theatrics. You can dislike him, it’s fine. Take the game however you like.
A/N: This fic is sort of a combination of a few of the (comparatively) similar requests I received, along with one particular scene that’s been running wild and ping ponging around in my brain for far too long. I somehow convinced my partner (who could not care less about fanfiction, but adores me) to proofread this for me. So any complaints should definitely be addressed to them—as I was, unfortunately, far too sleep deprived to read over this anymore than I already have. As always, I hope you enjoy—feel free to leave any feedback you have in the comments, and happy reading! :)
Warnings: Angst, intentional allusions to past SA (the circumstances are left purposefully vague), concerning both Astarion and the Reader, writer will often suddenly break off into unexpected poetic tangents, a smidge of fluff—if you squint, & perhaps a bittersweet ending (depending on how you interpret it?)
“Darling”, Astarion carefully poses his words, “Are you certain that you’re quite alright?”
You’re terrified. He can see it. Your pulse is visibly thumping beneath your skin, and there’s a tremor to your hands he’s certain wasn’t there before.
But why now?
You’ve told him you trust him, demanded the others leave if they weren’t willing to accept the gift that is his company, and mere seconds ago offered yourself to him as a meal—to what you, with both intimate knowledge and first hand experience, know is a hungry vampire.
He would be questioning your sense of self preservation, or alternatively, your sanity. If he wasn’t awed by just how quickly you’ve managed to sway your companions' loyalty.
It takes a moment for you to notice he’s asked you a question. But once you have, you nod.
He sighs, clicking his tongue at you. That vacancy behind your eyes, it’s unnerving, too familiar. “Don’t lie, it doesn’t suit you. What is it?”
Your gaze shifts, opting to search for what must be a rather interesting spot somewhere behind him.
Two breaths in.
Two breaths out.
Astarion falters. That may have been harsh—if your continued silence is anything to go by. Perhaps, he should have left the lie to rest.
“Dearest”, he works to intentionally soften his tone, shoving past the honeyed lump that rises in his throat, thickly coated with syrup. This little manipulation won’t be ending in a hand naively held between his as he leads you down unassuming crypt steps.
He knows that.
“If you’ve suddenly changed your mind about”, he gestures vaguely between himself and your neck, “I’m sure I can make do with whatever animals find themselves unluckily situated in this part of the forest.”
Humble or selfless certainly isn’t his favorite role to play, but if he wants you to be his personal guard, it seems he may have to make an exception.
“No!” You blurt out, swallowing thickly at the raised brow he sends in your direction, mouth suddenly very dry, “I—It’s not that. I swear to you.”
He tuts, “Ah, but it is something. Hmm?”
You nod again, frustrated tears building in your eyes as each attempt at an explanation falls flat.
“No, it couldn’t—it”, Astarion makes a rather exaggerated motion with both of his hands, clutching his chest in theatrical shock, “Was it Gale?”
You huff, but it’s more exasperated than annoyed.
The left side of his lips lifts.
You drag your own roughly between your teeth.
“Earlier you made a comment about being quiet, not wanting to disturb my rest”, unsteady hands bury themselves in the fabric of your pants, “Those words, the sudden realization that someone…anyone could have access to my body like that while I slept”, your head slumps forward, “The last time—I can’t.”
Two breaths in.
Two breaths out.
Astarion’s fingers slot into place beneath your chin, tilting it upwards to look at him.
And suddenly all you can see are the differences.
Everything he is appears less forced. No longer are you merely an audience and he an actor, but equals. Those that have found a common ground built upon the cruelty of others.
Far too accustomed to it.
There’s a raw familiarity held within your expression Astarion can’t quite discern.
Perhaps, in another life, someone cared for him. Once. To look at him with such fondness.
He wonders if he deserved it, then.
He allows the hold he has on you to become lighter and lighter, until his arm returns to hang at his side.
You hear a weary sigh, then, gently, “For what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry.”
A small smile flutters across your lips, light and without expectation. It’s a kindness he hasn’t yet learned how to navigate—and certainly has not earned, but he yearns for it all the same.
Some people think because Gwyn was SA, she can't ever have sex again, she can't be partnered with Azriel because Sarah said he was a "freak" in bed, Sarah won't have time to have Gwyn heal and also included "kinky sex scenes", etc.
As a SA survivor myself, I will tell you your takes are wrong as fuck. A lot of SA survivors heal from their trauma and have a lot of kinks themselves when it comes to sex. BDSM in particular can be freeing for some given its all about the WOMAN having control of when to continue or stop whatever is happening.
Just because Gwyn was SA does not mean she has to abstain from sex forever or that she can't be kinky herself with Azriel.
&
Sarah can certainly write a story in which Gwyn heals, explores, and be kinky as heck with sex. Azriel would be the perfect partner for her to given he saved her and wouldn't want to do anything to trigger her. He'd wait for her consent. His scars on his hands would give Gwyn piece of mine that it's HIM and not anyone else. He'd more than likely let her have control and tie him up before doing anything like that with her. He could use his shadows before placing his hands on her to bring her pleasure. Besides, we don't even know what type of "freak" Azriel is in the bedroom.
Also, where is this outrage when it comes to Rhysand or Lucien? Because they were SA too but no one has an issue with them having sex or being with someone else after their ordeals. It seems to only be an issue with Gwyn and that's because of a ship war. Which is honestly sickening in itself that it's only an issue with her.
So who are you to say Gwyn couldn't be comfortable with Azriel and explore sex again? Who are you to say Sarah couldn't write a book with Gwyn and Azriel together because of her SA?
WHO ARE YOU TO SAY IT IS WRONG OR SICK FOR THIS TO HAPPEN? Because I will tell you point blank it's NOT you.
massive trigger warning since its now confirmed..
trigger warning: James, Sexual Assault, and talks of possible attempted sa.
I was rereading the "angry father" post, and realized something off about the suits and how they clash.
so me being curious, I look up the colour meaning.
of course, this didn't seem as plausable since, the colour seems not to mean that. sure they talk, but.. then i found out Teal is also the colour for.
sexual assault survivors.
oh god...
now moving on to bob. I noticed his white coat. he doesn't take it off until after confronting James. White is (as we all know) the symbol for purity, which is.. really interesting.
the way the creator used the white in this might symbolize that Bob didn't know about James's actions yet..
Bobs coat is even slightly off, meaning he's slowly becoming aware, since James tried to drink him unconscious. (which is seen via the multiple drinking glasses before this scene.)
Why do Aegon fans ignore the part he had Aemond raped as a 13-year-old??? We are told about it in episode 9, Aegon took his vulnerable brother to that brothel and paid the madame to rape him.
And then Aegon has the audacity to laugh at Aemond about it years later.
Aemond did nothing wrong when he burnt his rotten brother. Should have done worse.
People have had weird takes about Aegon and sexual assault since the writers tried to make him funny and sympathetic so..I'm sorry lovely anon, but it's not that surprising ?
I mean... yeah good for him within the context of the show, I guess but also I'm having a hard time going "he should have done worse" when it shouldn't have been him at all. If it was any other instance of him taking revenge on his brother, I would have been fine with it but it's Rhaenys's death.
(Trigger warning: me projecting too hard, mention of childhood sexual abuse, feel free to not read this, I just need to vent. I’m warning you, seriously, this is bad. This is really dark)
Do you ever project onto your favorite character so hard that you get mad at people for saying something rude about your character, because your headcanon justifies them?
I started writing a story about Ed to understand his character arc more, and then it turned into processing my sexual trauma, and now I get sort of mad when people get mad at Ed for not not acting on his feelings for Oswald or being in denial over his feelings.
I headcanon that Ed was sexually abused by an adult man when he was a kid and he repressed it (I headcanon he has DID)
And he gets subconsciously triggered when he is pursued romantically (by Oswald, or Myrtle Jenkins). He likes to be the pursuer instead of the pursued, because pursuing makes him feel more in control, whereas being pursued feels scary and makes him feel helpless.
And Oswald having betrayed him and killed Isabella because he wanted to be with him triggered Ed really hard. Having his trust betrayed again, being treated more like some sort of object instead of a real person again, being helpless to the advances of a man again, made him lose it a bit.
It makes a lot of Ed's conflicting feelings about Oswald make a bit more sense.
So I get irritated when people make fun of him for being conflicted, because I want to defend him, even though it’s based on a premise that I completely made up.
I don’t like fanfics that are written as though they are blaming Ed for not dating Oswald, or are punishing him for it in some way.
I know that my headcanon is kind of random, but I guess the point is that people have trauma sometimes, okay? Sometimes they aren’t ready to confront their feelings, and they shouldn’t be punished for that.
I don’t necessarily think it’s right for Ed to consistently torture Oswald about it after already almost killing him, but I do understand his anger and defensiveness, because I know how that feels, and I know how scary it is.
Summary: It’s that time of year again. The time of year when you can’t seem to live in the present because the past was too busy clawing at your back. You ask your Commander and new Dom for help in gaining back a sense of control and choice over your body.
Words: 7, 980
Warnings: Mentions of sexual assault, Reader is a survivor of sexual assault, Very emotional themes, PIV sex, bratting, punishment, dom/sub dynamics, PIV sex, riding crop, spanking/clit spanking, orgasm denial, sub drop.
Author's Note: Hi everyone. I wrote this for anyone who has ever been sexually assaulted and not only needed to take back their power of choice but also needed reminding that their are still good people in this world. There are mentions of the assault and some extreme emotional responses to that but there is no actual description of the assault. Also Kylo is NOT your abuser. I just wanted to make that very clear. I want this to be helpful, not triggering. Writing this really comforted me and I hope it'll do the same for someone else))
It’s that time of year again.
The time of year when you can’t seem to live in the present because the past was too busy clawing at your back and picking at you until you were raw.
Your past had a nasty habit of cutting you open and letting old traumas bleed out.
Every year since it happened was the same for you. Your mind would desperately try and ignore what your body already knew was coming. It didn’t matter what you did to try and distract yourself. There was no escaping the memories from that day.
The day that every minuscule piece of your life changed, the day your freedom to choose was stolen from you, the day your voice was silenced, and the day your trust was broken—the day the rape happened.
The word itself was enough to make you cringe.
You didn’t want to think about it, and some days you didn’t. While others, it consumed your every thought.
Those were the hardest days, when it was as if the smell of his cologne was still in your nose and his hands on your body were still pinning you down.
These sensory flashbacks only worsened around this time of year.
The closer it came to the day—the worse it was.
Your friend’s would tell you it was a part of your post-traumatic stress disorder. That this time of year was simply too triggering for you. They continually told you that it would get better, that you were doing the right thing by addressing your issues, and not to give up hope.
What choice did you have but to believe those words?
It was that or slip into the bottomless sinkhole that was your depression.
So, when this time of year came, you held onto hope, worked longer shifts, and relied on your loved ones who were able to offer you support.
And, as much as you hoped that another year would make a difference, it never did.
Every year was always the same, with the days blurring together and the nightmares of his body weight keeping you awake at night.
Yes, every year was the same song and dance. Where all the progress you felt you had made since the assault was shattered just because you flipped the page on your fucking calendar.
Until this year.
This year was different because six months ago you had met someone.
And by met, you meant get assigned to oversee Commander Ren’s nutrition and dietary needs.
General Hux had come to you personally to tell you the news. Hux claimed that Supreme Leader Snoke had expressed concerns for his apprentice’s well being. Supposedly, the Commander lived off black caff and protein shakes
Hux had told you he couldn’t give a blurrg’s ass what the man ate but that somehow Ren starving himself had become his problem. He couldn’t deny the Supreme Leader and so Hux had come to you.
“Why it’s my job to babysit a grown fucking man is beyond me, but now it’s your problem to deal with.”
You could recall Hux’ words like it was yesterday.
In fact, you could remember your first night cooking for Commander Ren like it was yesterday. You had mistakenly thought that Hux would have also informed your new boss of this change.
However when the masked man stormed into his quarters to find a full course meal waiting for him, he was less than pleased, demanding to know who had been in his room.
In his anger he had thrown the plate of pasta and red sauce at the exact moment you walked into the room. The plate had shattered at your feet, splattering sauce and ceramic shards along your skirt and bare legs.
Thankfully the sauce had already cooled some, but still you yelped and jumped back at the slight pain.
You could still picture the panicked look in his eyes when he threw his mask off and how delicately he had held your ankle in his obscenely large gloved hand.
But that was how you had met Kylo Ren.
With him kneeling before you, gritting out an apology through his teeth, and wiping away sauce from your legs and checking them for any serious cuts.
After finding out who you were and why you were there, he had firmly requested you sit with him and called for a cleaning droid to tend to the mess. You had tried to politely decline, telling him that your job was to ensure he ate.
However, Kylo Ren wouldn’t take no for an answer.
You gave in, hoping that would be the end of it so you could be on your way. Not because you wanted to be away from him, but because his tender touch had made your knees shake.
Not to mention that he was almost too handsome to look at now that he had removed his mask.
At that point, no man had triggered such a strong sexual response in you in what seemed like forever.
It made you more nervous to be around him.
You tried to keep your composure as you bargained with him, telling him you’d stay only if he ate. His jaw twitched but he nodded as you ran off to fix him another plate. You sat across from him, waiting for him to eat as he watched you intently.
Dark amber eyes scan your features, looking for even the smallest sign of discomfort that would alert him to the fact you might need medical attention.
He toyed with his fork, pushing the pasta along the plate but never once took a bite.
“You know, it won’t hurt you Commander Ren.” You teased but it hadn’t done anything to lighten the mood.
He claimed he didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t injured.
It was as if he was waiting for an injury that didn’t exist to appear on your body.
He was too thorough to let anything slip by unnoticed.
It was one of the qualities that made him such a good warrior, leader, and Dom. Although you learned that last part much later on.
That first night, sitting at his dining room table, his watching eventually turned into tasting and even talking.
Before you both knew it, hours had passed.
By the end of the night you both had eaten two helpings of pasta and had actually spoken to one another like human beings.
You had only just started to get to know one another, but it had left the two of you hungry to know more.
Kylo had admitted that he couldn’t recall ever feeling so at ease around someone so quickly. You told him you felt the same.
A sense of comfort swiftly formed between you, and you found yourself wanting time to stand still so he could keep smirking at you every time he made you smile or blush.
You had forced yourself to be brave and question him on his poor eating habits. In return, Kylo forced himself to be vulnerable and admit that eating alone made him feel lonely. It wasn’t that he couldn’t cook or care for himself, just that the act of sitting down for a meal at an empty table reminded him of the past.
It wasn’t until weeks later that you learned that while growing up he had eaten so many meals alone that now, as an adult it was almost a trigger for him.
And so, when Kylo Ren asked for you to return the next morning to share breakfast with him, you had felt like a supernova exploding.
Over the next few weeks, you and Kylo fell into a routine.
You would cook his meals, sit or eat with him, and talk.
As a result, the two of you became exponentially close.
It hadn’t always been easy. Some days Kylo was so consumed in his emotions that he didn’t even look at you, but those were the days you still made sure to sit beside him so he would at least eat.
He would not starve himself, not on your watch.
Your loyalty and patience through his mood swings ultimately endeared him to you.
After two months, the routine changed and the rest had been like a dream.
He started bringing you gifts, cooking with you, sitting you on his lap and kissing you in between bites.
You didn’t think you could be any happier, and then your relationship turned sexual.
He had only been teasing when he said he’d take you over his knee and spank you if you kept arguing that he needed to eat less red meat. Still, the way your pupils had dilated and your body tensed up had been all Kylo Ren needed to know.
Shortly after, you two had a long conversation about kinks, limits, safewords, aftercare protocols, and past experiences. Causing you both to realize that you desired the same things.
He wanted a woman who was independent, passionate, and driven but wanted to be his good submissive girl when he locked his bedroom door.
And you?
Well you wanted to feel safe enough to submit again.
Sure, you had slept with people since the assault, but you hadn’t submitted to anyone. You had only occasionally engaged in very bland vanilla sex since that seemed safer to you.
But, you didn’t want that with Kylo. You wanted to give yourself to him fully .
To let down your guard and give up control so you could just submit .
You knew this meant you needed to be honest with Kylo about your past. If he was going to be your Dom, then he needed to know about any and all triggers you might have. Not only did he deserve to know how to care for you, but also to understand what he was getting himself into by asking you to be his submissive.
Telling him was one of the most nerve-wracking things you had ever done. You had practically carved a hole in his kitchen floor with how much you had paced back and forth. You felt like a caged animal as you told him of the assault and how badly you wanted him to be the first person you gave your submission to, but also how much that frightened you.
Kylo stood quietly the entire time you told him your story, only speaking after you were finished.
“Tell me what you’re frightened of.”
You told him that you were frightened he would see you as damaged goods, terrified that you would never be able to give yourself over to real pleasure, scared that in the end you would just be getting his hopes up.
The list had gone on, but Kylo had taken your hands and whispered, “You owe me nothing. It is my job to earn your submission, not force you into it. I will not rush you. The first step is trusting each other.”
His words had touched you.
You hadn’t known those were the words you needed to hear, but they were, and the rest was history.
You were his, and he was yours.
Six months blissfully flew by, and you were happy, but then this time of year crept up on you.
Threatening to drag you back down.
However, you felt a little stronger this year. You felt like you wanted to take back your body, take back your right to decide, or say no. More so than you already had.
You wanted to push the envelope and have it be your decision to be punished—to be a bad girl.
The feeling made you twitch.
It wasn’t like you to want to act out purposely, but something in your bones told you that you needed it. That it would be empowering to choose to be punished while knowing the moment you said ‘stop,’ Kylo would.
On the other side of this was worry that Kylo would find your needs odd. What if the truth of why you needed this made him uncomfortable? What if he couldn’t understand it?
The uncertainty makes you doubt yourself.
You try to push the thoughts from your mind, but they keep gnawing at you until you can’t ignore them.
For once, you had someone you trusted enough to do this with.
That was a good thing!
An amazing thing after all you had endured.
Your request might be a little out of character, but your coping mechanisms were your own. There was no shame in that.
Surely if you felt like this would help you, Kylo would understand.
You also knew for a fact he would have no problem reminding you who was in charge. You didn’t want to actually make him angry; you just wanted to push his buttons enough that he’d teach you a lesson.
Finally working up the nerve, you climb up onto the dining room table and sit atop it on your knees. If there was one thing you knew about Kylo it was that he liked order. You sitting on top of his table would definitely get you in trouble.
Now all you had to do was wait.
You hear him enter about twenty minutes later. The sound of his heavy boots was unmistakable as he makes his way through his living room. You hear him stop, almost abruptly. Usually, you’d be greeting him with kisses by now.
Kylo calls out for you, your name sounded robotic since he had yet to take his mask off. Followed by the sound of his cloak being thrown onto his couch.
He calls your name again, rounding the corner to find you sitting there in your tight black pencil skirt, tucked-in silk button-up blouse, and black high-heeled shoes that were currently resting on the table.
Even through the mask you can feel his eyes roaming over you, shocked that he’d found you where he did.
“Pet?” He questions.
“Hello Commander.” You purr, smirking playfully.
His still gloved hands reach up to the sides of his helmet. You watch as the front mouth piece moves forward, clicking and hissing before he pulls the mask up and off his face. He looks at you, cocking his head and raising one of his eyebrows.
“Is there a reason why your shoes are where my food usually is?”
Just like you thought, he was annoyed.
You give him a confused look, “What do you mean Commander?”
Kylo’s right eye twitches, “Don’t play dumb pet, because you aren’t.”
You tilt your head to the side, bite your bottom lip and stay silent.
It unnerves him, he stalks closer to you and slams his helmet down beside you on the table. “Get down.” He orders, leaning in closer to your face.
Your heart pounds in your chest, already wanting to submit but you stick to your guns.
“No.” You say, puffing your chest out proudly.
“What the fuck has gotten into you?” He snarls, hand seizing your jaw and squeezing. “I deal with incompetent idiots all day long and now I come home to find you playing brat?”
His statement makes it hard for you to not feel guilty but you needed this.
Kylo must hear your thoughts because he releases you and sits down. With agonizingly slow movements, Kylo pulls his fingers free from his leather gloves, seemingly ignoring you now.
His jaw clenches but he doesn't look in your direction, acting like you aren’t even there.
“Commander?” You huff irritably from being ignored, watching as he sits back in his chair.
Clearly Kylo Ren wasn’t in the habit of rewarding bad behavior with acknowledgement.
“Kylo!” You shout, slamming your hands down on the table, “Answer me! Why are you ignoring me?”
In your frustration you reach out to snatch the gloves from his hands, but his reflexes are much faster than yours. Kylo grabs your wrist–squeezing it hard within his grasp.
“Are you quite done, Little One?” His tone is even but threatening.
It was almost eerie how calm he was even as his dark eyes stared you down. You gape at him, the stern look on his beautiful face makes your brain short circuit.
He releases you roughly, glaring at you, “If you want something from me then you can ask me correctly.”
You inwardly curse. This wasn’t going how you had hoped. You had thought you’d act a little bratty to get his attention and he’d bend you over and spank you until your ass was bruised.
Asking for what you needed right now was hard because you were fearful of ridicule.
You sit up straight and tug at the hem of your skirt, willing yourself to speak.
“I…. I need your help Commander. I’m not any good at this, but I need…” You trail off, cheeks flushing slightly, “I need to be put in my place. Need you to punish me, please?”
Kylo raises a brow at your request. You had always enjoyed being spanked but you had never actively acted out for the purpose of seeking punishment. Much like when you cooked, you thrived on every tiny detail being perfect.
It confused him as to why you would suddenly want the opposite, but something about your demeanor told him this was about more than being a brat. He sighs and leans back, stretching his legs out under the table. His muscles ached from the day but he wouldn’t turn down the chance to play.
“It certainly seems like you deserve to be punished.” He meets your gaze, eyes dark–nearly feral. “So my pet needs a reminder that her Commander is in charge?”
Your blush deepens and he smirks, knowing you love it when he calls himself by his title.
Something about you needing him to punish you excites him. His arousal soars, eager to see just how far you would push this tough girl act.
His mind races with all the different ways he could punish you, but keeps in the back of his mind that he will need to question you to learn why it is you need this from him in the first place.
Kylo stands, hands going to your waist to pull you closer. He easily slides you forward, whispering hotly.
“My bedroom. Naked, kneeling on the floor beside my bed.” He waits until he feels you shiver under his hands before growling out his last order, “ Now .”
You go to move off the table, one of Kylo’s arms coming around your waist to help you down until your feet are safely on the ground. For a moment he keeps you trapped against him, letting you feel all the hardness of his body.
Just when you start to lean into him, he releases you, “Go. If you continue to disobey, you’ll just make it that much harder on yourself, understood?”
“Y-Yes Commander. Thank you Commander.” Is all you say before you scurry off to his room.
You don’t hesitate in stripping bare and folding your clothes neatly on top of one of his dressers so that they aren’t thrown around in a mess.
You kneel on the floor beside his bed, hands facing palms up while resting on your knees, and legs parted with your feet tucked under you. You’ve done everything he’s asked except , not taking off the lace thong you wear.
You tremble knowing you are still actively disobeying him.
Kylo takes his time getting to you, knowing the anticipation would put you on pins and needles. He strips out of his cowl, belt, tunic and boots. Leaving him in only his low rise black leather pants and his ribbed armbands that were held in place by a strap across his upper back but left his chest and abdomen bare.
He folds clothes and leaves them on the table, imagining all the ways he could help his pretty little submissive be a good girl again.
Kylo leaves you waiting five whole minutes before he walks into his bedroom. He is pleased to see you right where he wanted you, but his face quickly falls. The way you tremble ever so slightly tells him that you know exactly what you’re doing.
He clicks his tongue against the roof of mouth in disappointment, “Oh Little One, I warned you, didn’t I?”
Kylo moves closer, towering over you from your position on the floor. “What part of ‘naked’ was unclear to you?”
You shiver, the tension between the two of you is so thick you feel lightheaded.
Dare you push your luck?
You shrug and give him and innocently stupid look. “I just got confused, Sir.”
His face reveals how unamused he is by your act. But all the same he keeps his tone unaffected as he directs you.
“On your back in the middle of the bed. Legs spread–wide.”
You do as you're told, following his commands exactly.
Once you’re in place Kylo crawls between your legs, “I said wide. ” He bares his teeth with a growl and uses his hands to roughly shove your legs apart even wider.
Your lace clothed cunt is fully displayed to him now. His dark eyes stare intensely at the wet spot that’s starting to form at the front of your panties.
“You should have listened, pet. You’ve only made it worse for yourself.”
You feel your mouth run dry, your hands gripping his bed sheets on either side of your body.
Kylo holds your thong taunt, causing it to ride up between the lips of your cunt and stimulate your clit. Your head pushes back into the mattress with your eyes closed.
You know what’s about to happen long before you hear the first rip of lace. Once your thong is completely ripped, he throws it off the side of the bed, and finally brings his eyes to yours.
“Tell me how you think I should punish you.” He speaks slowly, his deep baritone voice makes you melt.
“I-.... I want….” You stare back at him, stumbling over your words. “I want my Commander to do whatever he has to to make me a good girl again.”
Kylo raises a brow at you and hums, “Whatever I have to.”
He repeats as if in deep thought before getting off the bed and going to his toy draw.
You were very familiar with it. It housed the toys Kylo enjoyed using for foreplay, but when he pulled out a leather riding you know it isn’t going to be used for pleasure.
“I suppose this will do.” He says to himself and walks back over to the bed.
You begin to turn over onto your stomach but Kylo’s voice halts your movements.
“Ah-ah, did I tell you to roll over?”
You give him a confused look but return to your position on your back.
He trails the edge of the crop over your skin, running it up your legs, over your exposed cunt and stomach.
Anticipation leaves you breathless, chest rising and falling from the labored breathing. Your nipples harden even though he’s yet to touch them.
The crop travels higher, lightly running over your nipples. Without warning Kylo brings it down sharply over each.
You yelp, arching into the sting. Your hips flex, wanting to roll over and push your ass out for him to spank, but he’s already grabbing you under your armpits and tugging you forward so your head hangs over the side of the bed.
“If you think it’s your ass getting spanked right now, then you are sorely mistaken, pet.”
Your eyes widen, your brain slowly piecing together what he has in mind.
“Place your feet flat on the bed and let your thighs fall apart.”
You obey, your cunt now on full display. It’s then you notice the bulge that’s forming in the front of his pants. Your hands flex into the sheets, a dampness starting to form between your thighs. Seeing the evidence of his arousal for you has the blood in your veins singing.
Kylo brings the riding crop to your cunt, and uses the edge of it to rub small circles on your clit–flicking it back and forth before dipping it to your slit.
“Already wet I see,” He smirks to himself and collects some of your wetness on the crop. He brings it to his mouth, licking it clean before continuing. “Are you that desperate for your punishment?”
You nod because that’s exactly what you are, desperate. You need to be punished, knowing all the while that you trust the man before you.
Knowing that you are safe with him.
“Then I think for your punishment we’ll see how many smacks your cunt can take while I use your mouth.”
Your eyes dilate, numbly nodding your head. “Yes please. Do it. Please Sir, spank my cunt..”
He undoes the front of his pants but doesn’t push them down his legs. Instead he frees his cock and guides it to your mouth by the base.
“Open.”
You do as you're told, mouth already watering for a taste of him.
“Don’t you dare half-ass it. You know what to do.”
You manage a nod just as he starts feeding you his cock inch by inch. He takes things slow. Although you aren’t sure if that’s for your benefit or for his own pleasure. Either way your heartbeat pounds between your ears at the warm heaviness that fills your mouth.
The muscles in your legs are taunt, waiting for the first crack of the leather crop. He hadn’t told you how many he expects you to take. You can only imagine it’s as many as he can give until he cums down your throat.
You gently suckle, knowing that’s how he liked it to start off. Slow and passionate and then sloppy until he had enough. You’re more than happy to give.
However, this position partially obscures your view. You barely notice him raising his arm until he’s bringing the crop down onto your cunt. The sting is instant, blooming through your entire lower body. Your cry is muffled by his cock but all the same your hips arch up.
You’re ashamed to admit that you’re already eager for the next strike.
Luckily Kylo doesn’t leave you waiting long. The second blow is harder. It makes you shudder and clamp your mouth around his length.
He swears and lets the edge of the crop stroke your clit again. The mix of pain and pleasure is enough to have you tingling. You try to bob your head on him to suck him deeper but he places a hand on the column of your throat.
“Mmh, be still. I want to fuck your throat into submission.”
He does just that.
His hips buck forward gagging you each time.
You relax your shoulders as best as you can to make it easier on yourself.
But when Kylo brings the crop down against you again you jump.
How he’s managing to fuck your throat and whip your cunt simultaneously is beyond you. You whimper around him at each blow. He repeats his actions, switching off between teasing your clit and hitting your cunt.
The pain and pleasure muddles together for you. Your cunt clenches around nothing, causing an aching to burn deep inside you–needing to be filled.
Your slick drips down your thighs. The blurring of the lines seems to be bringing you closer and closer to cumming. Your body grows stiff, feeling that build up of tension as drool pools in the corners of your mouth.
Without saying a word, Kylo pulls his cock from your mouth and stops stimulating your clit.
“Not a chance, Little One.”
You whine, hating that he knows you well enough to sense your impending orgasm.
“You’ve made a mess of my bed.” He cocks his head, motioning to the wet spot you’ve left behind on his sheets.
You expect another spank but he drops the crop to the floor.
“I know your cunt is usually a sloppy mess for me, but really? During your punishment?”
Your face flushes with shame.
Kylo tucks his cock back into his pants but doesn’t bother to re-button them, “Knees.”
Shakily you move as directed.
“Lick it clean.”
His words seem to echo throughout the room. Your body trembles wanting to obey, but a darker part of you still needs his firm hand.
Still needs to be reminded that you can stop this at any time.
“Make me. Please make me Kylo.”
He blows a deep breath out through his nose, glaring at you when you still do not move to follow orders, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Your eyes widen. You’ve never seen him like this during play. Something about it excites you.
He bites down on his teeth, rolling the pressure through his jaw and steps closer. His hand seizes you by the hair, yanking you down to the wet spot, while his other hand squeezes your jaw until it opens.
You moan, following his physical commands as he shoves your face into the mattress, holding you down by the hair until he’s satisfied you’ve cleaned it all.
He pulls back up to eye level, holding your jaw closed instead of opened, “Was that so hard?” He pauses, letting you shake your head ‘no’.
“Good, now swallow.”
You do and Kylo releases you.
“I see my good girl still hasn’t returned….. A pity. Turn over!”
The bite of his tone has you rushing onto your stomach.
“Ass up.” He commands so you continue to position yourself to his liking. “Twenty. You’ll count each one, and then we'll see if you want to behave.”
“Yes Commander.” You whisper as nervous coils curl within your belly. It wouldn’t be easy to take twenty cracks of the flogger but for him you’d do it.
The first blow has you moaning out the first number.
“T-Two.” Your mouth hangs open, face pressed against the mattress. “Three!”
You buck your hips to meet the fourth blow. The sting is glorious but you’re also aware that he’s taking it easy on you.
The crack of the crop beats down onto the swell of your ass.
You continue to count each one, the flesh of your backside is surely red by the sixth smack.
By the tenth you have tears streaming down your face. You push your face into Kylo’s bed sheets trying to hold out.
It was just ten more.
Just ten.
But you have to force yourself to not move away from the eleventh blow.
“Eleven!” You sob, twisting the sheets within your fist. “Twelve, Commander! Thirteen!” You yelp quickly, trying to keep up with him.
The pain radiates through you and there is no more pleasure.
You know you deserve to be punished after disobeying but it’s suddenly too much.
Kylo’s heaves as he brings the crop down for the fourteenth time. His cock strains against the leather of his pants at the sight and sounds of you. You’re sinfully beautiful even yelping in pain.
He doesn’t know what’s brought this on in you but he’s more than willing to provide if it’s what you need. He intends for the last few blows to be the hardest, but when he goes to raise his arm again you flinch and shout the one word freezes him in place.
“F-Falcon!” You choke out, body shaking with sobs–real sobs. “Pl-Please, Commander. Falcon.”
He takes a singular moment to steady his breathing and pushes aside any guilt that might come from pushing you too far.
You needed his focus and devotion. Nothing would stop him from giving you both.
The crop drops from his hand and is kicked under his bed. You wouldn’t be seeing it for the rest of the night.
You haven’t moved out of position–your ass is still pushed out while you hide your face and cry.
Kylo moves slowly so as not to startle you. You had only used your safeword with him once before and that was after he had made you cum five times in a row and didn’t know if you could handle a sixth.
Now you were using your safeword under entirely different circumstances. It leaves him a little lost at what to do but he’s determined to figure it out.
He reaches out and tenderly touches the back of your head.
“Tell me what you need from me right now. Do you need me to give you space? Or can I touch you?”
It takes you a moment to settle your breathing and respond. “N-No more pain. Please no more pain.”
“Shhh, the riding crop is gone.” He lets his fingers massage your scalp but he doesn’t touch you anywhere else, “You did so well for me. It’s over now. Alright? The punishment is over.”
It’s only then that you turn your head to peek up from the covers. “Thank you for stopping.”
Your words have every muscle in his body tense up. “Sweetheart…. You used our safeword. Of course I stopped. Did you think I wouldn’t?”
He tries to keep the alarm out of his voice but you hear it regardless. You make sure to hold eye contact this time.
“No… I know you would but still…thank you.”
Kylo nods but still feels weary. He doesn’t understand why you’re thanking him for that. “Tell me what my Little One needs.”
He repeats, searching your eyes and already finding the answer there.
“My… my cunt aches.”
His hand moves down to cradle your cheek, thumb brushing away a stray tear. “Does my girl need to cum?”
You lean into his hand with a nod.
He’s gentle with you now.
So
Very
Gentle
With his other hand he guides you by the hip to turn over and lay on your back. The same hand that held your face moves to the apex of your thighs. He presses his middle and index fingers against the hood of your clit.
You shudder at the small touch and a slight smile tugs at his mouth.
“That’s it, just relax. I’ll take care of you.”
You sigh, letting your muscles melt back into the bed. He touches you exactly the way you need, rubbing firm but slow circles on your clit.
The arousal from earlier quickly returns under his ministrations. Your chest rising and falling with labored breathing.
You coo, grinding into his hand.
It feels so good, but you want more.
Want all of him.
“Please, your cock Commander. I need it.”
The words tumble out of your mouth before you have the chance to stop them.
“Are you sure? This is for you, pet. Whatever you need.”
“I need it to be your cock.” You whine with a hard buck of your hips.
You reach out for him, tugging on his forearms to try and pull him in.
“Alright, shhhh. Lay back for me.”
He does this so he can step back from the bed and strip himself of the rest of his clothing. His cock isn’t as hard as before. Your use of the safeword had sobered him—all other needs forgotten in your moment of need.
But it isn’t something that a few hard strokes and roaming looks of your body couldn’t fix.
He crawls between your legs and reaches between them again. His fingers run along your folds, gathering up your slick before using that same hand to fist his cock.
You watch, mouth falling open in a moan.
He’s flawless.
The way the muscles of his toned stomach tense as he touches himself.
His large hand wrapped so tightly around his cock.
The pulling together of his strong brows.
The way his jaw clenches the harder his cock becomes.
“Kylo, please.”
He shushes you once more and grabs your hip with his free hand. “I’m right here, pet.”
Using his knees he nudges your legs apart even further, running his cock along you, from clit to slit. He grunts at the soft, pretty moans that fall from your lips.
Once he’s slicked up enough, he lines the head of his cock up with your entrance and thrusts inside.
Your head falls back as he instantly bottoms out inside of you. Your body quakes as it attempts to adjust as quickly as possible. Luckily Kylo gives you a moment before setting a rough pace.
He slams into you, fully leaning over you with his hands on either side of your head.
You cry out, already clawing at his back at the intense pleasure.
“Take it, pet. Take your Commander’s cock.”
“Yes, yes, yes!” You sob, taking it all and reveling in the way he groans whenever you clench.
You push your back up into his chest, loving the feeling of his broad chest stimulating your nipples.
He catches onto what you’re doing and leans in even closer, invading your senses. You smell his shampoo, the soap he uses, the leather of his clothing.
They are all smells that are uniquely him. It comforts you and heightens your bliss all at the same time
“Yes Commander! I’ll take it. Pound my cunt! I’ll take it all!”
You clench around him harder, your inner walls clinging to him as fresh juices spill out and coat his length.
The head of his cock reaches your g-spot, and you swear. You stumble over his name, hands groping at various parts of him—arms, shoulders, back. Anything you could reach.
It didn’t matter as long as it anchored you to him.
A tingling and familiar feeling plays at your nipples and clit. You know it’s Kylo using the Force to help him multi-task, making sure every bit of you feels good.
Your nipples are so hard that every time the Force twists them it sends shocks straight to your core. You tremble, feeling the heat of your bodies smashing against one another.
“More, give me more.” You urge him.
A primal, sweaty need coming over you both.
You—craving that feeling of subspace and Kylo wanting to give you everything.
His balls smack against you from the power of his thrusts. A wet slapping sound filling the space from how soaked you are.
You’re so close now.
Moments away from breaking.
You want it so badly. To be out of your body for even just a few moments.
The whines that bleed from your throat become higher pitched—alerting Kylo of your impending orgasm.
He leans in to growl in your face, “Cum for me. You said you were aching for it so let go.”
The demand in his voice does not go unnoticed. It’s obvious he’s attempting to hold back his own release until you’ve found yours.
The realization is enough to push you that much closer to the edge.
You lose total control of your body, the only thing keeping you in place is his body.
He’s on you, in you, all over you.
It’s almost too much, too overwhelming but it’s also perfection.
In this moment, your universe starts and ends with Kylo Ren.
There’s no denying that it is him on top of you and not anyone else.
The weight of his body, the scent of him, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his cock. They’re all familiar and wanted.
Yes, you wanted this and if you didn’t you trust that he’d stop.
Kylo might not know or understand what that means to you, but that’s alright because the feeling of trust is there.
And that’s enough.
You chant his name, sobbing and begging until finally you cum around his cock.
He lets out a feral groan, but not once does he stop fucking you through your orgasm. It’s only when you go slack beneath him that he allows himself his own release. He slams into you twice more before filling you up with his load.
“That’s my good fucking girl.” He rasps out just before sinking down on top of you to catch his breath.
He calls you his ‘good girl’ and you disappear—floating out of your body and wrapped in a blanket of contentment. Your body melts into the mattress, your bones feel as if they’ve been replaced with jelly.
You easily slip into the deep warmth of subspace.
Here you are safe, protected, loved, beautiful, talented, strong, and free from the outside pain of the world. You want to stay in this feeling forever--lost in the comfort of the orgasm that Kylo has given you.
But all too soon the warmth hardens and cracks—splintering like ice.
No, no, no! Please! I want to stay here!
The cracks grow larger until it all breaks away—shattering under you.
You try to hold on, to cling to the feeling of flying but your wings are cut, and you come crashing down onto the cold concrete that is the confines of your body. Where once you felt nothing but bliss, you now feel every pore on the surface of your skin.
It's painful, so fucking painful.
Your body shudders under his, making you hyper aware that he’s resting on top of you. You feel guilty for disturbing him. What right did you have to ask for more of him?
However, it feels as if your lungs are filling with water instead of air.
You want to go back!
Want to float back into subspace!
It's not fair!
You deserve to go back!
The lights of his bedroom are suddenly too bright. You burrow your face into his bed sheets to try and shut the lights out.
You pray it’ll do the trick to help settle your anxieties.
But it doesn’t—you’re left feeling empty. As if there’s some big hole in the pit of your stomach that can never be filled. Your shudders turn to sobs.
You’re lost in a sea of conflicting emotions.
Drowning.
Your energy leaves you, paralyzing you as the sobs worsen.
You can only manage to push out a single word—
“K-Kylo.”
The sound of his name coming from you as no more than a broken raw sob puts him on edge. He lifts himself off you, pulling out of you carefully and lays down beside you. With an arm wrapped around your waist he turns you on your side while the Force wraps you both in a clean blanket that’s floated in out of his closet.
His hands move to your face, holding it and keeping himself eye level with you. “Look at me. You’re alright. Let it all out. I’ve got you.”
The sound of his voice is soothing, but you can barely make out the words. You feel him holding you close, but you can’t seem to stop crying.
You cry for the loss of subspace that has slammed you back to reality. You cry for the loss of your old self—the more carefree, trusting, and unbroken version of yourself who died the night your attacker assaulted you.
You cry for the struggles you went through after—when you didn’t think life was worth living.
You cry for the trouble you caused your loved ones because you’re different now. Some learned to love the new you, but others had left you behind.
You cry for the fiery pain that still lives inside you. Some days that pain is a dying spark, but others, like today is a wildfire.
But mostly you cry for the woman you are now—the one who is stronger because of what she’s had to overcome, and yet you still mourn all you’ve lost.
You cry for all those things and much more.
The entire time, Kylo holds you and whispers softly.
He repeats a phrase that helps your sobs to dissipate.
“I’ve got you my good girl. I’ve always got you.”
You let out a long breath at those words, your arms come to wrap around him so you can push your ear to his chest to listen to his heartbeat. You let the sound help you to focus on breathing without crying.
Kylo simply holds you tighter and presses a kiss to the top of your head. “Tell me what’s going on, sweetheart. Please?”
Once you’ve calmed yourself a bit more you look at him. His face is etched with concern and affection.
His brow is furrowed, and his brown eyes stare sadly into yours—as if your pain is also his burden to carry. A few more tears escape but Kylo wipes them away.
He is a reminder that not all men are abusers. That there is still hope in finding everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner.
You take a moment to collect your thoughts, knowing you needed to explain what happened tonight.
“I’m sorry….. I didn’t mean to. I just…. Just….”
“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” Kylo reassures you while tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.
You try again.
You want to be brave.
You could be brave.
“I’ve told you about the assault. How….. how it affected me.”
Kylo nods but says nothing, letting you continue.
“Around this time of year is when it happened. Every year is a struggle. I thought that maybe…. It would help if it was my choice to be punished. I thought it would make me feel stronger to take back my power of choice…. Because he didn’t stop no matter how much I begged him.”
You allow yourself a moment to push the memory away so you can stay present.
“But I know you’re different. I knew you’d stop… that’s why I did what I did. I’m sorry, I should have told you before. But that’s why I needed to be punished, as a reminder that it’s my choice to submit or to misbehave and that all the while I can say ‘no’ and you’ll listen.”
You look away, too afraid to see his reaction.
“I’m sorry if that sounds…. odd or crazy.”
His fingers grasp your chin, guiding it to meet his gaze. He had let you say your piece and now it’s his turn.
“First, my dear, you have nothing to apologize for. You never need to apologize for needing to cry or for needing to be punished. Second, you are correct. This is all your choice. The moment you use your safeword or want out all you have to do is tell me, alright?”
You nod, staring up at him with big doe eyes.
“Lastly, I know that it is no small feat that you thrust me with your submission after what you’ve endured. I am honored to have your trust and to be your dom. Do you remember what I told you my job was when you first told me about the assault?”
You nod again.
“Say it for me Little One.”
“T-that… it’s your job to earn my submission.”
Kylo leans in and nuzzles his nose with yours, “That’s right. I plan on earning your submission every day for as long as you’ll have me.”
“Forever!” You rush out which causes him to chuckle.
“Forever is fine with me, pet.”
You curl yourself into him, loving the feeling of his laughter rumbling through his body and into yours.
He pets your hair lovingly, letting you take solace in the wide span of his arms.
“Needing to take ownership of your body and choice is more than alright, but perhaps we can come up with a word or phrase for when you need to act out and be punished? I just want to ensure I’m always giving you what you need.”
You pull back some to stare deeply into his dark eyes.
He's made you feel validated and protected. The way a real dom should.
“T-Thank you for being understanding. For listening and not making me feel crazy. But most importantly, thank you for being a good dom and showing me that not all men are like him. ”
He pulls you in even closer and lets his lips brush against yours, “Never will I tarnish you, Little one. Only treasure you.”
Kylo closes the last bit of remaining distance and seals his promise with a kiss.
