Discover Top Posts Tagged with #trust is gone

Trusting people is getting harder and harder.

I can make jokes like “really really thought this person would not be a lesson but I guess I just like learning #nerd #emotionaldamage” and I can write poetry in 한글 (Korean) but the truth is, I was not expecting this and it hurts a lot more than I would like to admit.

Every time this happens, I think a big part of what fucks me - other than losing hope and believing a little less and a little less and a little less - is that I get so mad at my judgement of people. I get disappointed, shocked, but really just angry that here goes another person that I totally read wrong or thought I had figured out or knew the basics of - their disposition and their emotions towards me - but no I got it horribly wrong.

I think it does trace back to the first and the biggest betrayal I experienced in my life. The betrayal that taught me that when your heart shatters, it makes no sound. It is silent. It numbs you. It adds traces of doubt, fear, guilt, and shame to your blood stream that you can never get rid of. That just keeps circulating through your heart and reaches every part of your being.

So now every time I meet anyone, but especially a guy in a romantic sense, I really cannot take it if I get them wrong. Every such experience keeps increasing the concentration of that distrust in my blood - distrust towards others, yes, but distrust towards myself and my ability, sensibility, and will to protect myself. And it’s a very scary way to live ; a life where you don’t trust your own self.