#ttcwithpcos

[thelittleblackbat]

Things are going to get better. They have to, don't they? At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself. I need positive affirmations for everything that I'm dealing with. Please let this be the month. Please let this happen for us. We want this so bad.

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

We officially have a jelly bean!!!! 6 weeks! Blueberry or jelly bean! :)

[queerlybelovedones]

2017...you bitch

Our clinic finally got their numbers for the free cycles in 2018 and there weren't enough to "bump" us without pushing some other couple off. So we're on the cancellation list if someone randomly gets pregnant/doesn't want to do the IVF.

But since there's no guarantees and she will be 43 in October (free cycle only covered til 43) we have to decide what else to do I guess.

Not to mention 2 pregnancy announcements today, and a friend from high school made a post about how ~hard~ it was to get pregnant. It was the hardest 6 months of her life. UGH.

Anyways, I think it's time for a break from this tumblr for a bit. Need to figure out what we're doing, and how we're paying for it.

Fuck.

[kelsiefawn]

I think I'm ovulating

I'm not supposed to try again until I have another cycle. But I have super thick egg white crevical mucus, and my nipples are a little tender like when I'm ovulating. I feel physically fine to try again and I've accepted my miscarriage, obviously I still have sad feelings about it, but I don't know if that will ever go away. I mean some harmeless sex couldn't hurt anything.. right?

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

It just got real!!!

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

Not viable! Not doubling! No sac! So many negatives. So at 6w3d I say goodbye to my little Baby S! I haven’t bled or lost you yet, but apparently it’s inevitable. My heart hurts so terribly!

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

5 weeks 2 days

Had my beta today and my first ultrasound. I’ll start with the ultrasound- it was way too early! It was saddening and stressful bc all we could see was a healthy uterus and lining! I’m a little frustrated that cny wasted my time and money and the time of the satellite clinic to do an ultrasound this early.

Beta... well we results came back less than desirable! Our first beta last Tuesday: 39.1 Thursday 68 and today 233.1 (so we haven’t been doubling and we’re about 100 behind where we should be. Hcg is still rising. I still have symptoms. They just aren’t sure what’s happening and why.

Options are:

1. Chemical pregnancy (again)

2. Ectopic pregnancy

3. Genetic anomaly in the egg- basically due to my age. Only 60% of my eggs at my age are good quality eggs.

4. It’s a normal pregnancy my hcg is just slow to double.

5. Miscarriage could be pending if hcg is slowing...

So with all that in mind- we will do another beta and ultrasound this coming Friday.

If nothing shows up then and hcg isn’t multiplying... we will have to investigate what’s happening!

Hopefully we just start catching up in hcg and the baby can be seen when we look next week!

I was also warned that if I have any bleeding or severe cramping to immediately go to the er and to call the office- as it could be ectopic or a miscarriage that I would need care for both!

Very nervous but I’m just praying and holding onto the positive blood work and pee tests as the days continue...

[happilyeverstuart-blog]

7w4d

After 4 days of bleeding the cramping and passing of tissue started.

I went to the local er. 2 hours later my beta came back 60. No need to sugar coat it, I was actively miscarrying my baby.

Another hour later and a 10 second pelvic exam confirmed I was actively passing my baby.

So much fear. So much sadness. So many regrets.

I’ve know for 5 years I had unexplained infertility. I’ve come to terms with that. But how do I come to terms with losing my baby, with being a mom of miscarriage.

I’m not sure how to proceed.

Haven’t had a good night sleep in the two days dealing with bean being gone!

My heart has left my body with that tiny little heart beat!