Warning: miscarriage / pregnancy loss, proceed with caution
Tech held your hand while you got the news that the new life you were expecting was no longer there. Both heartbeats were gone and your own heart sank to the floor. The next several days were filled with pain and hurt and he held your hand through it. You grieved in more ways than one and it felt like your body was being torn apart. Tech held your hand many times, when you were trying to work through the immense discomfort, and when you had a bit of a physical reprieve even if it was short lived.
You looked around your home and saw scattered pieces of what you had hoped for. Tech had worked on trying to make changes to the house for the safety of the children and now those projects were abandoned. He followed your line of sight as you stared wordlessly at his work bench.
"Do not worry about that now," he said, kissing your temple and wrapping his arms around you, rocking you in place to offer comfort. "What matters most now is you. How is your pain?"
You grimaced and he insisted you sit down for now. He brought you something to drink, hoping the warmth of the beverage would help a little.
"Sit with me," you said hopefully.
"Of course," he replied softly. He sat next to you and allowed you to indicate where you'd like him, knowing you enjoyed cuddling. He laid back a bit and you rested against him. He rubbed your back, tears forming in his eyes. He reached for your hand and held it so gently, kissing the back of it with a firm kiss that said I love you. Tech had always been able to accept change and move on, but this hit different. He was with you here and now, helping you in any way he could, but he was also immensely heartbroken. You looked up at him with tears in your own eyes. He whispered "My darling," while kissing the top of your head and holding you a little closer. He wasn't sure what to say. He held you while you cried. He would hold your hand through it, each step day-by-day, never faltering and taking care of you in every way that he could.
summary: maybe in another life sakusa could treat you better
pairing: sakusa x reader
genre: angst
word count: 3008
warnings: mentions of miscarraige
masterlist
it’s been months since sakusa broke it off with you, but why does his bed suddenly feel bigger, his sheets colder, his closet bigger and his house empty?
you were on your shared bed, scrolling through instagram when you saw kiyoomi get out of the bathroom, you instantly rolled over to your side of the bed waiting for sakusa to get in with you and cuddle. all he was wearing was the towel that was wrapped around his waist and you couldn’t help but admire his body. it was like sakusa kiyoomi’s body was sculpted by God Himself. you let yourself admire him a little more even if you had the liberty of seeing this sight everyday, you still can’t get enough of it.
“why are you staring at me like that” sakusa said while turning to his part of the closet to get something comfortable to wear.
“nothing i’m just enjoying the view” you replied while biting your lower lip. sakusa turned to look at you with one of his eyebrows raised and hummed. he dropped his towel to the ground and pulled his sweatpants to his hips and put on a shirt. you quirked your eyebrow at this action.
“sakusa kiyoomi, are you trying to seduce me?” you faked gasped.
“i would never” getting into bed with you. he could feel the warmth that you left on his side of the bed knowing he hated getting into bed with the sheets feeling cold. he never told you this but you knew. you always noticed how he would get into bed trying to get comfortable, twisting and turning a few times to warm up the sheets.
all he feels now is the emptiness of the other side of the bed that he was in. he couldn’t remember how it felt to sleep beside someone who kept him warm and safe. he couldn’t remember how his closet looked with your clothes in it. you always asked him if you could put some of your sweaters in his part of the closet because it didn’t fit on your side anymore and since sakusa didn’t care he said yes.
he missed the lingering scent of vanilla on the sheets whenever you would sleep on his side of the bed when he was at an away game. this always made him feel more relaxed knowing that you were here safe from the outside world.
he remembers the day the day when a reporter asked him “sakusa do you have someone close to your heart that you play for?” he replied with a simple “no”
what he didn’t know was that you saw that interview that was held right after one of his matches. this didn’t bother you too much since you never talked about going public with your relationship with him. but you couldn’t help but think “what if he’s ashamed of me” or “what if he thinks i’m not good enough”
you brought it up when he got home from his game and he reassured you that he was just protecting you from the media. both of you knew how cruel the media could be and twist up any story, both of you didn’t want to go through that.
he also remembers the day he broke it off with you. it was right after he got picked to be a part of the national team.
“i don’t think this is going to work out between us anymore”
you looked at him with a frown “what do you mean?”
“i mean whatever we have going on right now isn’t going to work anymore, i’ll barely have time to spend with you now that i’m going to be training for the olympics. i just think it’s better for you to have someone that’s going to be there for you and not someone who comes home when you’re about to sleep and leaves at the crack of dawn”
“what do you mean? i don’t care if you’re not here all the time, you always make it up to me when we’re together, besides it’s just for a few months i can handle that”
“no y/n, you don’t get it i can’t be there for you anymore. i want to break up”
“so that’s it, after everything we’ve been through you’re just going to throw it all away all because you can’t spend time with me, is that it?” you asked with tears brimming in your eyes “okay” you muttered
he saw you turn back away from him grabbing your bag presumably to pack away your things
“you don’t have to do that right now, i could help you pack your things tomorrow”
“it’s fine, i’ll just do it now i know you’re going to be busy tomorrow, so i’ll just get this out of the way” you told him trying to contain the tears that were falling from your eyes.
sakusa felt bad of course he did, he didn’t want to break your heart, he loved you but he knew you deserve someone better than him. someone who could always be there for you especially when you needed someone to be there for you and right now that wasn’t him.
after the olympics he felt like he was missing a part of himself and he already knew what it was, it was you. you were the piece that completed sakusa kiyoomi. now that his head is empty, not thinking about training and the olympics, he regrets breaking up with you, he couldn’t eat or sleep properly now that you weren’t by his side anymore. you weren’t there to warm up the sheets and gone was the scent that he loved to smell every time he would lay in bed. he now had a half empty closet due to you removing your stuff. his house felt empty without you in it.
he really didn’t mean to break your heart back then but that was the best option that time. he wanted to be with you till the end, he never saw anyone in his future but you. but then he fucked that up, you were nowhere to be found and he couldn’t contact you. he even tried to ask your friends that he had met previously but they all said the same thing “let her go”.
it’s been a year and a half now and he still walks by your favourite cafe in hopes of seeing you and making it up to you. part of him knew you were avoiding him, and he can’t blame you for that one after all he did break your heart. he rehearsed the lines that he would say to you, asking for forgiveness and to take him back. he knew he didn’t deserve it but he was sure as hell going to try.
one day he saw you walking down the road, one block away from the cafe you would always go to, so he decided to follow you but not calling out your name in case you decided to run. he saw how you looked more beautiful than ever, those rosy cheeks that he loved to pinch and kiss. he saw how your hair was longer and how it cascaded down your back. you looked even more beautiful and he can’t even fathom the words to say it.
what he didn’t expect was seeing you with one of his teammates. he couldn’t help the anger that was boiling within him. he never would have thought that his own teammate would keep something from him especially when he knew that he was looking for you everywhere and trying to contact you in any way. but here you were meeting with him.
he saw his teammate stand up and pulled the seat for you to sit down and he immediately entered the cafe upon seeing you with him.
your back was facing the entrance that’s why you didn’t see him come in, but his teammate did. and when it finally did he furrowed his eyebrows. you saw his expression changed and immediately asked “what’s wrong?”
“uh omi just entered, he’s coming this way and he doesn’t look too happy”
before you could turn around to look at sakusa he was already standing beside the table.
“what the hell is this miya?” sakusa said with a menacing voice
“i’m having coffee with y/n here, is there a problem?” atsumu replied with hint of annoyance
“why didn’t you tell me that you knew where she was or at the very least had her number. you knew i was looking for her”
the last part shocked you, sakusa was never the type of guy to ask for help from others, it was always his last resort and even if he did he didn’t like it. he didn’t like relying on people for help, especially when he could get the job done by himself.
“she asked me not to, i just respected her wishes”
he turned to look at you, his face now softening but still remaining stoic. “why didn’t you answer any of my calls, i tried to look for you everywhere, i even asked your friends where you were but they all said i should just forget about you and let you go. is he the reason why you never replied to me?”
you looked up to him, this was the first time in months that you’ve seen him and you weren’t used to it, even if you used to see his face everyday. but you couldn’t handle it, yes you’ve moved on but that doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten what he put you through. it was like all the emotions you felt after the break up was resurfacing and you didn’t want it to. you got up muttering an “excuse me, but i have to go” and left the table.
when sakusa saw you get up and leave it was like the emptiness that he felt inside of him was getting deeper, and he had to do something about that. he couldn’t let you go another time, not this time.
he saw atsumu get up as well preparing to leave but he pressed a hand to his chest saying “just let me talk to her”
“she doesn’t want that, she needs to be away from you” atsumu said while removing kiyoomi’s hand from his chest. “you didn’t see her when she was broken and had nowhere to stay after you broke her heart, so no i’m not going to let you talk to her. if you’ll excuse me” he muttered the last part and walked away but he felt sakusa’s grip on his wrist.
“just this one time, let me talk to her”
atsumu decided that you were tough enough to handle this so he let sakusa go after you and talk to you. so he nodded at sakusa signalling for him to follow her out.
when sakusa called your name you decided to walk faster. you didn’t want to talk to him, maybe part of you wasn’t ready for the confrontation that was about to happen or you simply just didn’t feel like crying anymore, you’ve done a lot of that in the past months. when he finally caught up to you he grabbed your hand but you just shrugged it off. sakusa was a bit hurt by this but he couldn’t blame you, he deserved your treatment, but that wasn’t going to stop him from making amends with you.
he grabbed your shoulders softly making you face him. he saw the tears that were running down your face. he knew it was his fault, but he wanted to make it up to you. he was willing to do anything to get you back in his life.
you buried your face in your hands not wanting anyone to see you break down. sakusa saw your shoulders shaking from crying so much and he couldn’t help but pull you into a hug. oh how he missed this feeling, the feeling of him wrapping his arms around your frames you burying your head in his chest and the warmth that you gave off.
but that feeling didn’t last long, you were quick to pull away from his touch, the one where you used to feel the safest but now, you couldn't help but get away from it. it was reminding you of the times when he used to say “i love you” but you couldn’t do this. you don’t think you ever can. you quickly turned your back on him, ready to get away from the man that you once called home.
but he wasn’t letting you go again, not this time. he grabbed your hand forcing you to look at him again this time saying “why didn’t you ever return my calls? i tried to look for you everywhere, it was like you disappeared from the face of the earth”
“i did that for a reason sakusa”
the use of his last name didn’t sit well with him, you always called him kiyoomi or babe or baby, anything but sakusa.
“do you not want to see me?” he muttered looking down to you
you answered with a quiet “no”. at this point you were trying so hard not to have another breakdown in front of him.
“why” he pried, he needed to know why. he needed to know if he still had a chance.
“because it hurts whenever i see you or even think of you”
sakusa was confused with your reply, sure he knew he hurt you but, it shouldn’t hurt too much now that it’s been a year and a half. “what do you mean?” he asked with furrowed eyebrows.
“is nothing, just - just forget about it” you shook your head
“no, tell me”
“it’s nothing, now let me go”
“no, tell me, i’ll listen” he said a little harsher than intended. but he was not prepared for the next words that came out of your mouth.
“i was pregnant” there was a pause “it was yours”
when sakusa heard this he got his hopes up. it was always his dream to start a family with you. and now knowing you were pregnant back then is one step to making his dream a reality.
“we have a kid? why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”
“i was going to tell you that one night, but then you broke up with me. i figured you didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby anymore”
“why would you say that, you knew i wanted to start a family with you”
“yeah you also said you wanted to break up with me”
he deserved that one, after all he said it would be better for you to have someone who was beside you and ready to help you. but he pushed that feeling aside wanting to know about his kid “a girl or a boy” he asked hesitantly.
“boy”, you started to play with your fingers, a habit you started to develop months ago.
“can i meet him” he asked with hopefulness in his voice
“no”
“what? what do you mean no, he’s still my kid”
“you can’t meet him sakusa” he was about to counter you about how he deserved to meet his son but the words that fell out from your mouth destroyed the dream that he had of you and your little family, this time it was him breaking.
“you can’t meet him because he’s not here sakusa, i lost him” you forced out the last part, still not over the fact that your son was gone. you didn’t even get to hold him for even a minute.
“what” sakusa choked out the words, it was worse than a break up, he couldn’t imagine what you felt when you had to go through that awful experience on top of your break up. he couldn’t help but ask “when, when did you”
“the night you broke up with me, i was so stressed with processing the breakup and trying to find a place to stay and - and my body just couldn’t handle it.” you paused to breathe “i was on the side of the road, bleeding, atsumu saw me and took me to the hospital. we found out that too much stress caused me to lose him.”
sakusa was lost for words, he was the reason why you lost the baby. he was the reason why you were suffering so much, he was the reason why you had to live with the guilt of thinking that you lost your son. but it was him, it was all his fault.
“you know for a while i thought that i would be okay with you gone cause i’d still have a piece of you with me, but then i lost him, i lost the only piece of you that i had left and i didn’t know what to do anymore.” you were now full on sobbing, remembering all the pain that you went through when he broke up with you and you lost your kid.
sakusa realised that, that was the reason why you avoided him and his calls. you were reminded of your son together. he reminded you of the pain he caused you when he wasn’t there for you, especially when you needed him the most.
“i’m sorry” he sobbed while pulling you into a hug he knew you needed, but you didn’t want his touch, not anymore.
you pulled yourself out of his grasp muttering “goodbye sakusa”
he watched you turn your back on him again, but this time with the intention of never coming back. he’s letting you walk away from him, it was the least he could do after the pain he caused you. he now has to live with the thought that he was also the cause of the loss of his son. but now he only wished that one day you would forgive him and try again. because in the end it’s still you, it always has and always will be.
JJ always has a bag of snacks which she brings around during cases because the team usually forgets/doesn't have time to eat and it's easier to get them to have a snack than getting them to eat an actual meal.
Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious
JJ's the instigator of a good portion of the antics in the BAU. Every time Emily or Derek try to tell Hotch it was JJ who started a prank or bet he never believes them and blames the two of them instead. JJ doesn't say anything.
Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends
JJ has a small headstone for her unborn child that not even Will knows. Every year on the day she found out she lost her child, she would visit it and sit next to it, telling her child about anything and everything.
Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.
JJ said 'fuck' once on national television during one of their press conferences. It was after a reporter tried hitting on her and she was famous for a solid week after.
Send me a character and I'll give you four headcanons
For miscarriage Jamie: What if Jamie is the one who, after getting better with everyone's help, is the one to gather his courage and ask Roy out on a date? Roy tries to play it cool while doing backflips on the inside. He's expecting dinner at some swanky expensive restaurant, but is pleasantly surprised when Jamie takes them to this wonderful hole in the wall hidden gem that serves the best kebabs in all of Richmond. Jamie himself looks gorgeous in understated attire, Roy is riveted to him
Roy is riveted and Jamie is quietly nervous, stumbling over his words, flushing and Roy is amused at his adorableness. Jamie even fumbles his way through a cute and genuine thank you, showing his appreciation for all the unconditional support and presence Roy has provided since the miscarriage. By the end of the date Roy is just gone on him and Jamie's confidence is quietly boosted at Roy's obvious enjoyment at Jamie's date choices and his company.
"You did good, Jamie Tartt..." Roy says quietly between them, entwining their hands and squeezing.
Warnings: omegaverse things, pregnancy mentioned, miscarraige/miscarraige mentioned, implications of child abuse (aka neil is in this one)
gif posted by @tomwhiddlestonn
Basketball ended, both Steve and Billy throwing themselves into baseball. Y/n was holding a poster with Billy’s number on it, Max (and the rest of the kids) in the stands with her. “Go Steve!” Dusting screamed, the kids cheering both of them on. Steve bristled as the kids crowded around him, Y/n and Billy with their arms around each other. Y/n kissed his nose, the blond tinging pink. “Steve, are you okay?” Will asked, noticing how upset he looked. Steve looked down at the kid; when the hell did he get that tall? “Yeah, I’m fine.” He smiled, ruffling his hair. “I’m thinking we should go get milkshakes, hm?”
“Yes!” Dustin crowed, the kids celebrating. Y/n came over. “Do you have the hooligans, Steve?”
“Sure. Max need a ride after?”
“Yeah. Do you mind? Billy wasn’t able to do anything for his birthday and I wanted to take him to dinner.”
“Yeah, yeah I got it. Have fun.” Billy always had a way of dissipating Steve’s anger even though he was the source of more than half of it. “Thank you! You were great out there, by the way!” She chirped, kissing his cheek. “T-thanks.” He watched them run off, Y/n tugging him by the hand.
They were in Bennigan's, Billy blushing when the waitress brought him a hot lava cake with a candle in it. “I asked her to spare you the embarrassment of being sung to.” She teased, pulling a small box from her purse. “What’s this?” He asks, smiling. “A present.”
“Is it a car?” He joked, Y/n rolling her eyes. “Blow out your candle! Oh, wait a second!” She pulled a camera out of her bag. Billy rolled his eyes. “Really?” He raised an eyebrow, smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Yes, really.” She smiles, taking a picture of him. He leaned forward and blew it out, Y/n taking another picture. “Open it!” She begged, putting the camera down. He tore open the paper, his face lighting up. “You can’t be serious?!” Y/n nods, smiling widely. “Oh my god! When is it?!” He took the Motley Crüe tickets out of the box. “June.”
Billy was practically vibrating with excitement. “Happy Birthday!” She said softly, Billy leaning over the table and kissing her. “Thank you, fuck, I can’t wait.” She was so happy to see him happy. “I’m glad you like it.” She grabbed his hand, squeezing. He ate the lava cake, Y/n eating the forkful he held out to her. The bill came, Y/n snatching it up before Billy could take it. “No.”
“Y/n, come on. Give it to me.” He reached across the table, Y/n shoving a twenty towards their waitress. “It’s your birthday dinner, let me do it.”
“Y/n-” The waitress took it, Billy huffing. Y/n stuck her tongue out at him, smiling when he did it back. They were sitting in his car, Billy sighing as he looked at his house, all the lights out. Then one turned on. Y/n leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, the scent of fear spiking in her nose. But it was only Max unlocking the door. “It’s okay, baby.”
“Will you spend the night?”
“Yeah.” They slunk into the house, Billy pushing her into his room when the door to the back bedroom creaked open. She hid in his room, Neil coming over to his son. “You see that omega tonight?”
“Yes sir.” The older man scoffed, Billy taking a tentative step toward the door. “Did you win?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good.” Neil left his son their, closing the bedroom door behind him. Y/n was sitting on the bed when Billy came back in holding her stomach. He shut his door. “You okay?”
“Just feel kinda nauseous.” She told him, Billy sitting on his bed and pulling her to him. “Thanks for taking me to dinner. And for coming to my game.”
“Of course. I feel so guilty for not being able to do it sooner.”
“It’s okay. We both weren’t here.” He pulls her down onto the bed with him, Y/n sighing and nuzzling closer. “You sure you feel okay?” She shrugged, asking him to hold her tighter.
A few weeks later was Spring break and things had been quiet. Billy was working on assigned reading when the phone rang.
“Hey Billy?”
“Hey, sweetheart. You need something?”
“Can you come over tonight? I need to see you. We need to talk about something.”
“Are you okay?” He heard a little squeak. “Baby, are you crying? Hey, it’s okay. Please don’t cry. Do you want me to come over now?”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll be fine until then. Love you.” And she hung up, leaning billy with his mouth hanging open. She had never said that to him before. He felt it back, sure, but actually fessing up was terrifying; the thought of telling her had put knots in his stomach, scared she wouldn’t say it back. How upset she sounded though nagged him through the afternoon, Billy feeling like he might get sick when he got to her driveway. He hadn’t even turned his car off when Y/n came out the door, quickly climbing in. The scent of sadness socked him in the nose, Billy feeling green at this point. What if she was- “Can we go to the quarry?”
“Yeah.” She curled up in the seat, not saying anything when Billy started driving fast. Billy smoked as they sat in the dirt looking over the water, Y/n drawing shapes in the dirt. She let out a whimper, Billy huffing, a puff of smoke coming from his nose. “What’s up with you?” She shrugged. He reached over and grabbed her hand, interlocking his fingers without saying anything. She squeezed, Billy taking another long drag from his cigarette. “Y/n, come on. Talk to me.”
“Can you put it out?” He tossed it in the dirt, watching it fizzle out. She got up and straddled him, Billy’s hands finding her hips. She grabbed his hand, playing with his fingers. “I-um-remember when we first hooked up?” He nodded, heart pounding in his chest. Tears filled her eyes, her letting out a soft whine. “It’s okay.” Billy cooes, rubbing her hip. “I-I was pregnant.” Tears rolled down her cheek, Billy’s stomach dropping. “You’re pregnant?!” He was panicking. His dad was gonna kill him. He was gonna be kicked out. Her dad was gonna kill. Then he looked back at Y/n, who was shaking her head. He pulled her to his chest, her sobbing into his shirt. “Baby, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” She shook her head harder. “Billy, I lost it.”
“What?”
“I didn’t know. Then my stomach was really hurting and-and I was getting sick and then there was blo-”
“Not pregnant?” He asked, her shaking. “No. I lost it.” Billy’s heart ached. “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” He whispered, a wet circle developing on his sweatshirt from her tears. “It’s-it’s okay, okay?” His voice broke, feeling his own tears burning his eyes. She gripped at his sweatshirt, sobbing. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s-you didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” He was crying now, tears wetting her hair. She sniffled, wiping her eyes. He rested his forehead on hers, purring softly. She purred weakly back but they were broken up by sniffles. She tried to calm down, feeling Billy pull her back into his arms. Billy squeezed Y/n, her finally pulling away and wiping her eyes. He wiped at his face, Y/n feeling him cup the back of her head. She looked up, Billy giving her a watery smile. “I love you.” He whispered. Her face scrunches, her trying not to cry again. “I love you too.” Billy helps her get up, the two getting in the car. Billy starts driving, Y/n sniffling and holding his hand as he drives. And drives and drives. They find a diner, Billy asking her if she wants to find someplace nearby to stay the night. She nods, not wanting to go home. They both order burgers, Billy getting Y/n a milkshake. “You’ve got burger on your face.” He said, smiling and reaching over to brush it off. “We should rent a movie.” She says, grabbing his hand that wiped her face and kissed his palm. “Which one?”
“The Lost Boys.” Billy nodded. “Sure thing.”
After spring break, things go somewhat back to normal. Billy and Y/n go on dates, Billy doting on her more, wanting to make her feel better. He especially wanted her to feel safe during her first heat since the miscarraige. Steve and Billy kept their distance, but were friendly. Steve and Y/n kept babysitting and going on friend dates. Things are normal. Then Summer hits.
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The first time Ash told Eiji about the child he never got the chance to know, he was laying in a hospital bed from a gunshot wound to the shoulder.
"I would have named him after Griffin.. He would have lived a better life than his prostitute of a father."
He'd watched as Eiji's eyes filled with tears and he laid his head down on Ash's lap, sobbing softly.
He didn't understand why Eiji was crying until he'd told him a few days later that when Ash talked about his child, his eyes would go blank and he looked like he was reliving it all over again.
He knew it was because he was living it all over again, every single time.
-
The emptiness never left, it just continued to grow. Ash found himself hugging Michael to his chest to attempt to comfort him and felt his heart tighten with pain because he could have held his own child like this too.
The blond supposed that he should have actually tried to move on instead of pretending it didn't happen until night fell and he's curled up in that dingy apartment with the pregnancy test hidden carefully away with old letters from Griffin.
-
"A baby?"
Over the years, Ash and Eiji's relationship grew and flourished. They were so deeply in love, they didn't even need to say it. They just had to look at each other and promise with their eyes that the other would be there forever.
Just being there is what helped.
"Yeah, Eiji.. I.. If you want." Ash was blushing, cheeks red and his eyes low. He was 22 now, and Eiji was 24, not exactly the prime time to have kids but Ash was quite literally a millionaire and Eiji was already out of college and working as a fairly successful photographer. They lived in a better part of town and while Ash hadn't completely left the streets behind, he didn't live on them anymore.
It was a peacefulness, but they didn't want adventure anymore.
They'd had their fair share in their late teens.
"Oh god, Ash, yes."
-
Seeing those blue lines and knowing that his baby was safe did something to Ash, he didn't know what but it did something to him.
It made the emptiness lessen, made his heart beat faster and it made him jump into Eiji's arms and kiss him.
"A baby! You're pregnant, Ash!"
-
Ash often talked to his child, hand on his lower stomach with his eyes closed as he told it stories. "Oh gosh, you should've seen Griffin when he found me crying about the evil pumpkin creature in the woods. Laughed so hard he snorted.."
Eiji was watching him from the doorway to the living room, observing how at ease Ash was. He loved their child, loved their child more than anything.
Eiji would do anything to keep him that happy.
-
Eiji was brushing his teeth when Ash threw the door open. He choked on the toothpaste for a moment and watched him sit down on the toilet, relief washing over his face.
"I have to pee all the time now and I don't know how to feel about it."
He was a month pregnant and his stomach had just started to bulge out. He admittedly did pee a lot, and he often found himself wondering how his bladder was holding that much.
"Can you hand me the tissue?"
Eiji passed it over and went back to brushing his teeth when a startled gasp made him look over at Ash. He was staring between his legs and Eiji didn't understand for a moment until he saw it.
All the blood.
He dropped his toothbrush into the sink and went to his knees in front of Ash, looking up at him.
"Ash, wha-"
"I think.." He stared down into the toilet bowl, seeing something that Eiji clearly couldn't.
"I think I lost the baby."
-
There is no way to prepare for such a loss.
For the grief that comes, the way that hospital walls look duller than usual, the way an ultrasound is suddenly empty.
Empty.
Ash was once again consumed by emptiness and this time, he didn't know if he could bounce back.
-
A depressive cloud settled over the couple. Eiji took a break from work and Ash could barely leave the bed. The depression hit hard, worse than anything he'd ever experienced before.
He still hadn't cried yet.
That's what Eiji was waiting for, for the tears to come because until Ash could cry, he could not heal.
-
Ash avoided the bathroom in their bedroom like the plague, pretended it didn't exist. Preferred the one in the hallway to the one where Eiji couldn't scrub all the memories from the bowl.
-
"Ash-" It was Jessica, hands on her hips and her eyes soft. Sad, but not pitying. She didn't know what to say to what she saw. Ash looked the same, mostly, but the glow he had when he was pregnant was replaced by sickness and an obtuse sorrow.
His heart was aching, he didn't know what to do or how to feel, for once, Ash Lynx's IQ of 200 could not help him.
He was stranded.
Nothing could reach him.
-
"Go back to the place that hurt you.. and make it hurt less."
That was Jessica's advice but as he lingered closer to the bathroom in he and Eiji's bedroom, he didn't know if he was strong enough.
He walked away and didn't come back.
-
It took about a week and a half before he was able to do it, to walk into the bathroom and look around, the room nearly unfamiliar. He sat down on the cool, tiled floor and pulled his knees up to his chest, hands on his lower abdomen.
"I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.." He whispered, eyes closed. "I wanted you- I was going to keep you and give you everything I never had. I was going to spoil you rotten, I was going to keep you out of the streets, I was going to do everything.. I was.. I was going to do everything for you." He burst into tears at last word, pained sobs racking his chest and tearing at his throat.
He didn't know how long he'd spent crying but when he'd washed his face and opened the door, Eiji was waiting with his arms open and Ash melted into them.
It still hurt, hurt just as bad as when Eiji had carried him from the bathroom bleeding, but it was a start.
The emptiness was still there but maybe one day, the emptiness would become smaller and less of void.
sorry but avery's reaction is so real, it's weird grieving for someone you never met - like i never wanted my kid, but when i actually miscarried i was relieved at first and then i just couldn't handle it, it was funny because lol the stress amounted to nothing, but then yk
For that paper lantern idea I would add Roy looking up at the lantern saying right after Ted’s sweet words “ And don’t worry little love, we’ll take all care of your dad for you, I promise.” Before he pulls Jamie too him and presses his forehead to Jamie’s temple, practically holding Jamie upright while the rest of the family all gather around, Keeley tucking herself into Jamie’s other side. Jan Maas starts singing a hauntingly beautiful Dutch lullaby, the others joining in with their own songs
This is all so lovely, but you got me getting all tearful and poignant with Jann Mass 'singing a hauntingly beautiful Dutch lullaby', I can imagine it and how beautiful it will sound, and Jan will surprise everyone with how beautiful his voice is.
