Random ass hopecore vent??
Sometimes I talk to my sister and she acts so… shocked. That these bad things happened in our family. That our family members did these things. She knows obviously that they were assholes, she never liked them, but she truly didn’t know about the worst of what they did until she became an adult and we started talking about it. As the oldest of the two, even though it was by less than two years, I always felt responsible for protecting and parenting her. I mean I was literally instructed to do it, obviously I wasn’t being unreasonable, but I always felt so bad because maybe I wasn’t doing it enough. Maybe she was seeing too much of everything that was happening. Maybe she was going to end up fucked up like her older sibling. And then she looks at me now completely shocked at the depth of what was actually happening while I played games with her, or gave her my phone, or read to her until she fell asleep, or showed her the funny videos I saved to distract her as she came out of anxiety attacks, or gave her my hand to play with when we were tiny kids in the back of the car together. She truly had no idea. I… actually did good. I’m still worried for her, it’s not like she’s unaffected, but it worked. I comforted her enough, I kept her company enough, I distracted our abusers and willingly angered them to take on their abuse myself, terrified the entire time that I was failing her, and it. Worked. She’s safe. I did it. If I die now, I’ll have died having both physically saved her life (literally, she would’ve gotten hit by a car that one time even if our abusers did nothing else) and psychologically saved her from breaking as badly as I did. I should watch that show she likes with her. Can’t remember the name because I’m godawful at names but I should watch it with her.
