it’s the big, scary word people want to avoid and pretend it doesn’t exist because it’s not happening to them.
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I am an addict, and I am over four years clean & sober. More than that, I am a human. The amount of judgment towards an addict constantly breaks my heart. And I can’t be mad about it. You are blessed that you don’t know what a sick disease this really is and that you’ve never had to grieve someone who is still alive. I pray you never do. But if you think for one second, that they chose this life and they must want it because they wont stop you are sadly, sadly mistaken. Nobody wanted this. Nobody wanted to be prostituting to get their next fix, nobody wanted to end up hospitalized for malnutrion, nobody wanted to wear long sleeve shirts to hide their scars in the middle of summer. Please, be mindful that as a child I never grew up wanting to be a drug addict. It never started like that. And for people who at this point usually say “Well you should have never started, drugs are bad, it was your choice to pick that drink up” I was 12. Came from a broken, abusive family and had no idea what path drugs and alcohol would take me on. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be a hurt, little girl anymore. So I take a drink and fuck it made me feel good, I’m not feeling any pain. Thats where it began and where it begins for many, and being an addict does not mean it is an excuse I take full responsibility. I don’t expect you to think because I had a shitty childhood that justified the next 6 years of drug and alcohol use. What I want you to know is that it didn’t begin as a choice. Something in my brain changed the night I drank and I realized this was a way to escape the reality that was my life. I never thought I’d lose control. I thought I could handle it and I wouldn’t take it that far. But, unfortunately addiction does not discriminate. Addiction affects everyone. You think its not going to happen to you, until it does. Or your kid, or your parent, or your neighbour. Addiction doesn’t care if you grew up surrounded by love, addiction doesn’t care if you are fifty years old. It has one goal & that is to kill you. But it was never supposed to be this way. So when you think to what an addict is; just know that it isnt a choice, its not as simple as saying no. Its powerlessness. Over and over again. The addict is even more confused than you as to why they cant stop. They hate themselves more than you hate them. They promise each morning after they will stop, and are just as confused as to how they got drunk again within hours. Please take the time to learn about addiction. These people are us. These people are you. Before they are addicts, before they are prostitutes, before they are homeless, they are PEOPLE. Why is that we are so quick to sign a cast for a arm that has been hurt but everyone turns in shame from a brain that is hurt? It is a mental illness. It is not a choice. But let me be clear, it is not my excuse. It is my responsibility. I’m not looking for pity, I am in search of compassion and the human decency to recognize that addicts are people who are no longer in control. If you havent had your life touched by addiction, I truly hope you never do but this does not excuse your responsibility to break the stigma. If you have had your life touched by addiction I am sorry, addiction does not justify someones actions and you too have a right to feel broken. I am sorry if you are the sibling who doesnt get attention because your parents are fighting about what to do with your brother, I am sorry if you are the mother who is replaying her daughters funeral over again in your head, I am sorry if you are the son who comes home everyday to his dad passed out drunk. The addict hurts and everyone in the addicts life hurts too. I see you too. This fight is for you too. If you are the addict, I will keep carrying this message that there is RECOVERY from addiction. Any form of addiction. And you are not your disease. I was broken, hopeless and wanted to die at the age of 17. Today I have a job, a condo, a long term relationship, friends, pets & family. If you are anything like me you are probably saying in your head “Thats really fucking nice, but its never going to happen for me.” and thats okay. I would have never believed it either. But I hope that you know I do truly mean you are worth so much more than the isolating existence your addiction wants for you. I see you. The real you. Beneath all the demons.
So for all of you addicts out there, remember that rock bottom is where you stop digging. Dont be ashamed to ask for help. I used to believe that admitting I had no control was pathetic. It truly was the bravest thing I have ever done, and through surrendering have I found a life that I dont need to escape from.
Lets break the stigma that addicts are weak for this is the biggest lie. Addicts are the strongest people I know. They live in a world where not only is their head fighting them everyday, but this stigma is too. Addicts are not weak. I am not weak. My journey is one of strength and courage.
I sincerely ask from the bottom of my heart that you fight this battle of addiction with us, not against us. This is for the addicts and this is for the broken families/friends of the addicts. I hope we can one day live in a world where there is no shame in asking for help.
If anyone ever needs anything, don’t hesitate to send me a message. I promise you to meet you with love ❤️
