Beomgyu & TXT - Anxiety
A/N - as the title implies, this story contains themes of mental illness and anxiety. Please be kind to yourself and considerate of your own mental health when determining if and when to read this!
“I think that’s good for today, yeah?” Soobin looked around at the others who were all equally as sweaty and tired as he was. Yeonjun, Taehyun and Kai all nodded in agreement, relieved that practice was finally over and that they had the next day off. It was their last full day off before their comeback so Soobin had instructed them to try and rest in order to be ready for the hectic few weeks that were to come.
Soobin couldn’t help but notice that Beomgyu didn’t seem as eager to leave as the rest of the members, intentionally avoiding eye contact with the leader as he paced back and forth in the far corner of the room. Yeonjun noticed as well. He had been keeping an eye on Beomgyu for the last week or so after he noticed how anxious Beomgyu seemed.
At first he was just quiet - his usual enthusiasm about the most minute aspects of their lives very obviously lacking. But as the days continued it seemed that Beomgyu was continuing to withdraw. Yeonjun took stock of how physically tense his dongsaeng seemed as well as how emotionally despondent he had become. He has tried to approach him about it on more than one occasion but each time Beomgyu insisted he was just fine and that Yeonjun’s concerns were unfounded.
Yeonjun knew that they weren’t.
Soobin and Yeonjun locked eyes, sharing a knowing glance before diverting their attention back to Beomgyu, whose brow was furrowed as he wandered back and forth.
“Head down with them, I’ll be there with Gyu soon” Soobin quietly instructed Yeonjun. “Just give us a few minutes, okay?”
Yeonjun nodded before rounding up Taehyun and Kai. All three paused in the doorway and looked back to Beomgyu before Soobin gestured for them to leave him and Beomgyu alone.
The silence loomed overhead for a few moments until Beomgyu stopped in his tracks, seeming to finally notice that the rest of the members had left apart from Soobin who was standing quietly on the other side of the studio.
“Sorry, I guess I got distracted” Beomgyu said, pasting a fake smile across his face. Soobin nodded, giving his next actions some thought before taking a seat against the wall with his water bottle and indicating for Beomgyu to join him.
“What’s on your mind?” Soobin’s tone was light but had an underlying sense of seriousness. Beomgyu sat down next to him but didn’t respond. “Gyu, talk to me, please.”
“I’m fine. Just…” Beomgyu trailed off, seeming to be at a loss for word. “I’m going to stay a little longer. There were a few parts of the choreo that still feel a little awkward. Hopefully I can work them out tonight.”
Soobin wasn’t fond of the idea of leaving Beomgyu alone given how off he had been acting lately. At the very least he seemed exhausted and needed some sleep. But Beomgyu seemed to have read his mind, quickly reassuring him that he wouldn’t be too late. Soobin finally relented and stood up to collect this things. It wasn’t that he was fooled by Beomgyu’s feeble attempt to convince him that he was indeed absolutely fine, but he knew his dongsaeng well enough at this point to understand that he wouldn’t be receptive to a conversation right now.
“We’ll talk later then? Text me when you are on your way back” Soobin replied. Beomgyu nodded in response but he had a distant look in his eyes. They’d talk later, Soobin would make sure of that.
*~*~*~*~*~
You’re worrying them.
Get it together.
Beomgyu’s thoughts were racing as he threw his empty water bottle across the room causing a loud thud to echo in the silence.
He hated lying to his members and it felt way too easy at this point. It was certainly easier for him to tell them that he needed to keep working on the choreography that he had truthfully mastered weeks ago than to confess that he hadn’t been able to sleep and that most of every meal he was given ended up in the waste bin. Nobody else needed to know how overwhelmed he was as the comeback approached or how his anxiety had driven him to the point where be could barely function.
So he did the only thing he could bring himself to do. He curled up in a ball and closed his eyes, desperately hoping that the solitude combined with the level of exhaustion he was experiencing after a long and physically demanding dance practice would be enough to force his body to sleep, if only for a little while.
*~*~*~*~*~
Taehyun glanced down at his watch again. He and Soobin had been waiting up for Beomgyu to come home but it had been over three hours without any indication that he’d be returning soon.
“Still no word from him?” The fatigue in Taehyun’s voice was evident but he was adamant about waiting up for Beomgyu.
Soobin shook his head in response before standing up and grabbing a hoodie that somebody had left on the couch.
“I’m going to go get him. We’ve given him long enough to respond” Soobin said more so to himself than to Taehyun but Taehyun was quickly on his feet as well.
“Hyung…” Taehyun interjected awkwardly in a tone that immediately grabbed Soobin’s attention. “I think that maybe I should go.”
Soobin nodded in agreement as he pulled his shoes on but Taehyun wasn’t finished.
“I mean, I think I should go and you should stay here” he added, bracing himself for Soobin’s response. Soobin stopped what he was doing and looked up at Taehyun, unsure how to respond.
“You know we all love you hyung. But Gyu-hyung hasn’t been himself lately and if he’s overwhelmed about the comeback…” Taehyun chose his words carefully. “You’re the leader. I think what he needs right now is…not the leader.”
Soobin visibly deflated in a way that made Taehyun feel a bit guilty but it didn’t negate the truth. “Hyung it’s not…”
“No, no it’s okay!” Soobin straightened up and feigned a smile. “Don’t apologize. You’re right.”
“I’ll text you once we are on our way back” Taehyun said as he grabbed his jacket.
“Please text me if…I’ll send Yeonjun if he needs…” Soobin was at a loss for words but Taehyun nodded before heading out the door.
*~*~*~*~*~
Beomgyu’s sleep had been restless yet he woke with a start at the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. He took a moment to get his bearings before sitting up with the help of a gentle pair of hands.
“Don’t sit up too fast. You must be a little sore from sleeping on the floor” Taehyun’s voice was soft as he helped Beomgyu up. Despite being thankful for Taehyun’s help he was simultaneously mortified to be found like this.
“Hyunnie” Beomgyu replied, his voice gruff from sleeping for - how long had he been asleep anyway? It suddenly dawned on him that he told Soobin he’d be back soon. Clearly it wasn’t soon enough or Taehyun wouldn’t be there waking him up. He quickly tried to jump to his feet but Taehyun stopped him.
“Soobin’s mad, isn’t he?” Beomgyu was certain that he was in some hot water. “Shit…I just…”
Taehyun cut in quietly, not wanting Beomgyu to spiral any further. “Hyung.”
That was all it took for Beomgyu to break down. The tears started flowing before Taehyun could get another word out. Instead he just moved closer to his hyung who laid his head in his lap and hid his face in Taehyun’s shirt, clearly running on little more than fumes at this point. Taehyun, meanwhile, sat quietly, simply running a hand up and down Beomgyu’s back in an attempt to wordlessly comfort him.
After a few minutes Beomgyu’s tears were reduced to just a few sniffles here and there. He sat up and wiped his face with the back of his hand.
“Sorry, Taehyun-ah” he said sheepishly.
“Are you doing okay, hyung?” Taehyun asked once he was certain that Beomgyu had settled down enough.
“Yeah! Yeah, of course. I’m not sick, I promise. Just a little tired I guess.” Beomgyu did his best to sound convincing but if the look ok Taehyun’s face was anything to go by he knew that he was anything but convincing.
“I know you aren’t sick, Gyu-hyung. That’s not what I was asking” Taehyun replied, pushing Beomgyu’s hair from his face before it could get anymore tear soaked than it already was.
Beomgyu took a deep breath and that’s when the flood gates opened. Taehyun listened and nodded along as Beomgyu explained how he didn’t feel like the style of the comeback suited him. How his voice didn’t sound right and how he had begged the producer to redistribute his lines to the rest of the members. How his outfit suffocated him and made him itchy all over. How his hat gave him a headache. How he felt like the style of dance made him look awkward and gangly. And, ultimately, how embarrassed he was about all of it and how he had kept it all to himself out of fear that he’d let the rest of the team down.
Taehyun waited for Beomgyu to get everything off of his chest before responding.
“I hear what you’re saying. And I could tell you that none of it is true but it doesn’t change the fact that you feel that way about it” he said softly as he reached into his bag and grabbed a bottle of water for Beomgyu. “But I think that there are some things that we can fix before the comeback.”
“No, no it’s okay. I don’t want to be a bother…” Beomgyu started but Taehyun shook his head.
“It’s not being a bother. Your hat gives you a headache? Then fuck the hat. And I’m sure the stylists can make adjustments to your outfit to make it more comfortable.” Taehyun watched as his hyung’s breathing evened out, beginning to return to normal.
Beomgyu smiled sadly at Taehyun. “Thanks for coming, Hyunnie” he said quietly. “And thank you for listening to me, I know it all sounds so silly.”
“No it doesn’t, hyung. And any time” Taehyun responded as he helped Beomgyu off the floor. “Let’s go home. You need some sleep. In your bed, not on the floor.”
Taehyun pulled his phone out of his coat pocket as Beomgyu collected his things and got ready to go, quickly sending a text to Soobin:
“Heading back now. There’s a few changes that we need to discuss once we get Beomgyu to bed. See you soon.”
And with that he turned back to Beomgyu to set off back home.
