One thing that SEVERELY annoys me about sexually progressive feminists is when they will write a myriad quantity of posts and rants yelling and screaming about how unfair and how much of an “injustice” it is to slut-shame women and speak against women who wish to live a casual-sex lifestyle with various partners, yet will choose to hardly utter a word of defiance against equally important issues such a virgin-shaming and protecting the rights of women who wish NOT to lead sexually active lifestyles.
Protecting the rights of a specific marginalized group over another ≠ being a proper feminist
Okay, so I don't really rant on here, I usually save that for close friends on Skype, but something is bothering me and it has for quite some time now.
There's an awful tension built on young women/girls to lose their virginity. We've seen it on Supernatural, Teen Wolf, and a medley of shows. Everyone wants to lose their v-card super quick, like it's an honest shame to be a virgin at such an advanced age of sixteen. And it's an attitude held by a lot of teenage girls. Blame the patriarchy, blame enlightened sexism, I don't know, but it is an awful shame. And it's all inward. Girls assume that something's wrong with them because they haven't had sex yet, haven't been propositioned yet, and then they turn all of that shame of being still a virgin to themselves. (This rant doesn't deal with boys, or with trans* people, so I'm sorry, but I don't know very much from that side of the gender binary/spectrum.)
Now, I can remember in high school, having a friend who once told me that if she was still a virgin when she was twenty she'd have to have a good long look at herself and ask "What the hell is wrong with me?" I dated one guy in high school, and broke up with him three months afterward. I didn't feel ready or even particularly interested in sex, with him or with anybody. (The jury's still out on whether or not I'm asexual.) My third and very last date was a few years ago, and I seriously hated and blamed myself for not being well-versed in dating. More importantly, I can clearly remember myself blaming myself for still being a virgin at the old age of twenty, and googling something to the effect of "am I still desirable?" What I found both comforted the awful side that depends on everyone else's opinions too much, and disgusted me. Somewhere, I found a yahoo question posed by a twenty-two year old virgin. "Am I okay? Would anyone want to have sex with me?" The answers were "YES I WOULD DO YOU!"
Why? Why would I need a man's answer of whether or not I was desirable to prove that just because I hadn't "popped my cherry" I was worthwhile? Who the hell had taught me that by being a twenty-year-old virgin cisfemale, who is often very selective with her friends as well as her romantic interests, who spends a lot of time writing and dreaming instead of doing and speaking, who, okay, still plays Neopets and watches shows meant for much younger audiences, that I was unworthy for the male gaze and thus for existence? Who had taught me that I'm an old woman who should be mocked on every goddamn show because I haven't done the do with anyone?
I'm not in any way saying that slut-shaming isn't bad. It is, but the effects differ. Slut-shaming occurs outside, filled with derision from audiences. Virgin-shaming? That happens inside, and tears you the fuck up when you google "am i still a good person even if I've never had sex" at 2 in the goddamn morning because at that point you're not sure and you can only wonder if you should just get it over with to be part of the rest of the single, 20-something, cisfemales.
Now, as a 21-year-old cisfemale who has not had sex yet (the word virgin has become disgusting to me, and I don't know if I want to claim it again), I can see past it, a little. But it still stings--because there's no positive reinforcement of "it's okay, your worth isn't between your legs" or "you know, eventually you'll find someone, or maybe you won't, but that doesn't mean you need to be fixed in order to have worth" or even "it's alright." That there are other things to me that doesn't revolve around who I do and do not have sex with. YET, I think about my inexperience in sexual activity every time I speak to a man I'd like to consider taking out on a date, or when younger people discuss their sexual partners, or when I consider sexual advances in fanfiction and whatnot. I still feel affected by it, even though technically I shouldn't.
But the fact of the matter is, is that other girls in this position of "well I'm not really ready" are making the same mistakes, are feeling bad about themselves because they're not like their friends who've been having sex, not like the girls on tv who "don't want to be a seventeen year old virgin." (Thank you, Teen Wolf, you continue to make me feel bad about not being gorgeous and a prudish granny to boot.) Say what you want about the sex positive movement, I agree with many of the aspects, but I feel like the movement would also have to consider in people who just don't want to have sex and not shame them for the disinterest. (See: asexuality.)
It sucks. I don't have any answers. Only complaints, and maybe some messages to other virgins/people who have never had partnered sexual intercourse: you're okay. Your body is yours, and you should not be ashamed of it, or your inexperience. You are great, and beautiful, and you don't need to be "fuckable" in order to have worth. You are so much more than the numbers of partners, you are intelligent and kind and creative. You do not need to have anything done to you in order to be considered mature or an adult. You are perfect the way you are.
Everyone always talks about slut-shaming on this website. They talk about how a woman can do whatever they want with their body because it's their body and who are you to judge? And that's great. I'm glad you think that. But those same people turn around and criticize virgins. There's no one saying "oh stop virgin-shaming" because that "isn't a thing".
What happened to "a woman can do whatever they want with their body because it's their body and who are you to judge"?
We know how you feel about slut-shaming, but how do you feel abotu virgin-shaming (society telling a woman after puberty she hasn't had a boyfriend yet or had sex because she is too ugly and nobody wants her)?
I think it's just as bad. First of all, what someone wants or doesn't want to do with their body is no one else's business but their own and secondly, if someone is virgin-shamed into having sex when they don't want to, that is rape. It's equally harmful and equally wrong.
I also hate how it's used as comic-relief in many cases. Look at the movie 40-Year-Old Virgin. The entire movie is a joke on how a man is still a virgin at 40 and he is constantly shamed for it by his so-called friends. Hilarious.
As a matter of fact, there's a great video from ThosePeskyDames that I'll link below and it pretty much sums up how I feel about the subject.
I see a lot of posts about "Slut-shaming". And very little about "Virgin-shaming", even though it's just as big of a problem. Mostly for men. I hear countless times at my school about how "Bro we need to get you laid!", "Bitches don't like virgins!". Why is it so bad for a man to be a virgin, but not a woman? Why is a woman worth more for her virginity, but not a man?
