The 5th of March, precisely 3:47 a.m. I was lying in my bed, looking blankly at the ceiling, wondering why I had awoken at this hour, on this particular morning. I've never been the kind of person that goes to bed early and then gets up early. It's always been me sleeping around 2 a.m. and then getting up at 11 a.m. It's simply something that disturbs me since I don't remember sleeping early that night. A second later, I shed a tear for no apparent reason, I got too emotional, and I was terrified since I had no idea why I had cried? I don't remember being upset or unhappy about anything the day before. Then I returned, looking at the ceiling as if I could see anything, despite the lack of light. The room was pitch black, and I could only hear my own pulse. It was me wandering aimlessly in the desert of my mind. Thoughts that were plainly too chaotic and jumbled to really consider. I even considered that the reason I woke up so early was that the sunrise wasn't worth waking up to. Maybe it was meant for me to wake up with nothing but a blank ceiling in front of my eyes, which is pretty much how my life is. Where there is nothing to look up to and everything is blank and dismal, and you'll always have the feeling that you're going to wake up to the same routine every day, and it's a routine I wish I could simply get out of. Like, who the heck enjoys getting up early and then spending the rest of the day in their room, basically like being in a jail cell where all you can do is eat, sleep, study, and clean your room? Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the circumstances I'm in right now since not everyone has had access to adequate shelter since Typhoon Odette hit our city. It's simply that I've been feeling like I've been missing out on something. It's as though I'm barely living my life, a life I imagined a teenager like I would have. I mean, we all have so much to live for, so much to anticipate.
Although this isn't the first time I've asked myself whether what I'm doing right now is making me happy. Like, Is it anything I want my children or just the people, in general, to know about my life? I just don't know, and my life was essentially non-existent. With no one to guide me and hold me accountable for the things I struggle with. I want to get out there and simply meet people, chat with them, and maybe even form relationships with a couple of them. If I had the courage, I'd probably attempt trekking. But I know it's not going to happen given the present situation we're in. Only the rain is something I look forward to every day since it is the only time I can be so calm and composed. As a matter of fact, I would always bet a clock on a drizzle because rain allows time to slow down. You get to feel anything you want and just let it all out. You begin to consider the possibility of us getting gray hair and being unable to do things that individuals our age have had the opportunity to do. It's as if I'm approaching the conclusion of something, and I just wish it hadn't begun in the first place, so I wouldn't have to feel confused and unhappy, like a ghost orchid. Cause really? I just hate not being a kid anymore.