#weght

[frank-biggz]

[foreverfitnessfreak]

PROGRESS PIC: * January 2017 *

Staring off the new year right! Spent the first week of January back home, and kicking my butt at the gym here, and taking pilates classes. Kept up working out to a quick Hawaii trip, and now im getting butt - in -shape in time for my next semester. Working really hard, and finally seeing a difference! A lot of my friends and family have been pointing out my bodies changes- really good feeling !¡

[pastaproblematic]

fears

As I mentioned before I love the Half Size Me podcast and Heather Robertson frequently talks about fears so I feel like I should face a few of my own as I decide to rededicate myself after my brief hiatus from clean eating.

Here we go...

I can’t lose the weight.

I know this is not true because I already have already lost 10 pounds. But can I lose all the weight? We’re talking 27 pounds. I know that people have lost more, but I am worried I’m not strong enough, that psychologically I won’t be able to do it.

Thought I also believe in my inner strength and definitely in my unrelenting (frequently hostile) stubbornness. This will be the force I will have make strong with me to tackle this fear.

I lose the weight and it doesn’t change anything.

What if I lost 27 pounds and I am just the same heavy girl in a lighter body. What if I am still constantly plagued by my weight, consumption, and powerful nagging to binge? Now that I am allowing myself to hope for a healthier me, I can’t imagine living my whole life this way even though I have lived 24 years like this.

Heather (from the podcast) says that you do change, it will probably always be an effort to keep the weight down and we will always be adjusting our intake, workouts, and methods as our body changes, but psychologically we do change. I hope this is true and for the sake of my hope, I believe it.

I lose the weight and then I gain it back (and then some)

This is the big one, probably the mother of all fears when it comes to weight loss.

I struggle constantly with the mental image of myself losing all the weight, looking amazing, and then gaining it all back for the world to see. by that point all of my friends and family would have seen me thin and praised me for how much I had accomplished and to gain it all back would be devastating not just to myself, but also to be seen as such a failure.

Growing up and still to this day I frequently feel people judge me as a failure because I am heavy. They view me as fat, ugly, and without discipline. Most of these people don’t know what it’s like to be fat and everyone doesn’t know what it’s like to be me, but even as I know this intellectually, it still hurts like a knife to my oversized gut.

This fear will take work, but if I can tackle first fear to lose the weight, then I can work on keeping it off so... we’ll cross this bridge when we come to it.

I lose the weight and I am still unlovable.

I almost didn’t write this one because it’s so personal but we’re trying to be honest here.

I know my weight does not affect my value or whether or not I am lovable. I know that, as I am, I am lovable and I am worthy. I know this, but a lifetime of being teased, mocked, judged, and enabled conditions a person to believe things beyond logic. I know this because if and when a friend of mine makes a comment like what I just made I am horrified and floored and will beg them until I am blue in the face to understand their worth and beauty as they are and to not place social standards on their self-worth yet I can’t seem to do the same for myself. In my mind I am the exception to every rule. My friends and family are beautiful as they are, but I am not. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it goes.

Additionally, this lack of self esteem due to my weight has forever affected my relationships with men. Since I was in middle school, when a boy looked at me I never believed they were attracted to me, even when they made their affections clear. I was always suspicious that they were making fun of me or had misunderstood their own emotions. Even now, I can hardly tell if a man is attracted to me and even when he is, I live in perpetual fear that he will eventually discover that I am fat and move on. Obviously this is bananas because they can see me, they know what I look like, and are still into it. But, as we date, these thoughts war inside me as I battle tooth and nail to make sure he never knows my insecurities (I have a belief we should never show our weaknesses to men. At least not for a while.) But as we date, as we become intimate, I can never really let go. This I believe is a significant piece of the emotional unavailability that prevents my dating from ever really going anywhere.

I have also noticed that I have been putting off dating “until I lose the weight.” I should probably not do that.

So there they are, my fears that I think have been getting in the way of my weight loss. 

[rebecca-kwangware-blog]

"Starving is not sexy. It is bleeding gums, acrid breath, brittle bones, osteoporosis, infertility and complication. lt saps and withers"

Sophie Dahl

[integrativelifellc-blog]

Personalized Nutrition

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[fentanylxfantasies]

I need to learn vudo or something. To give all my extra weight to my nemesis.