#when a.e writes

[myneverendingworries]

What if on that night when I’m about to leave, you hold me tight and tell me that we will get through this. That you know that even in a tiniest chance of possibility, you still believe in them. In us. What if you saw the future and tell me that you only saw me in it.

And we sat down & you tell me that we will beat this odds together.

— Possibilities of me & you //a.e

[myneverendingworries]

‪Why do we say the wrong things to the right people? And why do we do the right things to the wrong people?‬

— Mystery // a.e

[myneverendingworries]

I’m not gonna ask you to love me because if your love for me is real, you will give without expecting anything in return. I know this because that’s what I have been doing. Everything that I do for you, is out of love.

- to love someone // a.e

[myneverendingworries]

A fantasy of you and me, that’s where it will always be.

— a fantasy // a.e

[myneverendingworries]

There are nights where I wish he knew how badly he broke me. How he made me all the stupid, crazy things for him and later then realized it was not even worth it. Even writing now hurts. Reminding myself how he torn me into pieces. How can he be so cruel to me? How can he think that “I’ll just get over it?”

It doesn’t matter anyways, he is with someone he love now I supposed. I assume he loves her more because she knows him better. That’s why he chose her over me.

— Nights of blaming you // a.e

[myneverendingworries]

It’s the way you look at me that I love the most. It’s the look that you give when I talk. Your eyes never wander else where as if like, whatever I’m saying or whatever I’m doing, it’s so important to you and you don’t want to miss a thing. So focused. So attentive.

— The things you do #1 // a.e

[myneverendingworries]

It’s kinda sad to let go of a person that you want the most. Not that it ended or anything. We weren’t even close to beginning. We almost did though. But for some reason, we didn’t. I guess you could say that we were almost lovers.

True, I’m sad but I’m not hurt nor in pain. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I understood everything that had happened, with good reasons. Perhaps it was you, in a state where you’re not ready for a serious relationship. Perhaps it was me, constantly having doubts in you, in us or perhaps it was the timing. Blaming is the only thing I could think of right now, even though, somewhere part of me feel that maybe we aren’t good for each other. And maybe, just maybe, we are just— not meant to be.

We did everything right, despite the confusion and misunderstanding. I know we did everything right for each other. At least, I know I did. When my feelings towards you started to grow, I picked up every details of you and place it in my mind very carefully. Like when you drive, you never look anywhere else but straight-front, so intensely, that sometimes when I stare at you, you wouldn’t even realized it or when we are in the middle of talking, you would casually bite your lower lip & a small side dimple somehow noticeable, and I think that’s my favourite feature of yours. Have you seen the way you eat using spoon and forks? It’s so weeeeirdly cute. I always like making you laugh or smile even, because it’s so hard to see you being care-free, smile or laugh naturally. Maybe you do it with some other people but that’s how I always see you. So I would always try to lighten up your mood; & whenever you smile because of something I said or did, damn that is something I’d be proud of. I never understood why you like to walk so fast. I always have to catch up with your walking pace but after awhile, knowing everything about you, it’s because you’re always chasing time. You don’t like to waste time. Time is too precious to you. So the next time we went out, I was already prepared, I walk faster than usual; somehow I made it sound like a race but I guess in a way it was; me always chasing you. I don’t know if you remember, I used to mentioned a lot about your jawline. Mainly because I find your jawline as one of the amazing (&sharp) jawline I have ever seen! Before I sound more obsessive (which I promise you, I’m not), I would list down all the other things you do that makes you— you. However, I wish not to. Now you must be wondering why, right? It is because I have to remember you &— I don’t want to. Now don’t be mad. Remembering you probably takes half of my energy to do it. But forgetting you would take a whole of me; I find that difficult & heartbreaking if I have to. I mean, to forget how to feel, how do you do that?

You have so many good in you that I find it so very charming & your bad habit that I have seen, tolerated and managed. That’s where I thought .... maybe if I can love him during his worst, it’s possible for him to love me during my worst, right?

But then, does he know me? The real me? That’s where all the doubts, what ifs and what not, strikes in. But in spite of all that, I never really stopped loving you. I know I could love you, the whole you but could you do the same to me?

That’s why I didn’t question you when you said what you wanted to say to me. Because I understood exactly what you meant. I have always thought you were amazing. Your mind is complex & interesting. So when you wanted to talk; I knew you have made a decision. With your answer, no doubt my heart was slowly breaking but I was ready for this. So I replied with respect, because I truly respect your decision. Choosing must be hard for you. But it’s alright. You, letting go of me, is probably for the better.

I hope you know that when I said I loved you, I really did,

in every part of me, in every way that I could, & not regretting. I have loved you silently for 2 years, I loved you then when I confessed to you and up until now. But loving someone does not mean owning. So, maybe this story of you and I, fits with that theory; of loving without making them yours. I thought I could be the best for you but now I see, that maybe, there’s someone else, who is better at treating you right and loving you better.

- An open letter to my Best Friend who happened to be my almost lover //a.e

[myneverendingworries]

The thing is, I know you feel it too. Times to times, when our eyes met and locked, your feelings shows, bare open. I wonder if you saw mine too? We never talk about our deep feelings. As confused as it is, wondering whether I’m just over thinking things or whatnot, I don’t want to take the risk, I don’t want to lose you. I’m guessing that you’re thinking about the same thing too? So we both choose to love each other quietly, as best friends.

- A risk that both of us are afraid to take // a.e