#whispers within

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🎀- favorite story

😳 Oh my, I am unsure if I can pick. I think Whispers Within still remains up the top for being the first thing I ever truly finished. It represents a number of milestones, both personal and creative. Though I will admit it is not typically representative of most things I have or will ever write, it is still PAINFULLY and UNDENIABLY me, flower puns and all.

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1, 22, 25? for writer asks

1. Favourite place to write

On top of my bed with the laptop on my lap, and several enormous pillows for back support. I can’t concentrate with the television playing and people moving around and doing things, so my bedroom is the only place I can comfortably write with minimal distractions.

22.  How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?

Euuuuugh, I feel like I’ve given a long winded answer about this before but the tdlr; is around 4 - 8+. I’m really picky about turns of phrases and typos and stuff other people probably don’t even care about, and sometimes if a scene isn’t working you just gotta rewrite the whole arse thing. It takes me a long time but I find something that bugs me and it doesn’t get fixed it will haunt me until I do something about it. Tbh this is probably why I prefer writing fics and publishing on AO3 because I can easily go back and fix it, whereas hard print press if it’s done it’s done, no takebacksies.

25. Linear or non-linear, and why?

This is complicated because I struggle so much with consuming non-linear storytelling because my understanding and perception of time is shaky at best. For example, I figured out that the reason I dislike/struggle with present tense in prose is because that genuinely isn’t how I experience time. My processing speed is such that something has either happened a while ago, a couple seconds ago, or will happen in the future. Likewise with non-linear storytelling I miss so many cues that I just end up getting confused and have no idea what’s happening or what the plot even is. 

However, whenever I’m writing I tend to write all over the timeline because I’ve already worked out most of the broad strokes of what’s happened, what’s going to happen, and have spreadsheets, timelines and scene summaries to refer back to. Which in practice means I tend to write when inspiration for certain scenes strike = all over the timeline. I try to keep things slightly contained, for example with changeling fic;

I have the first arc already completed, about half of the second arc, and absolutely nothing of the third and final arc of the first story, which is subtitled as ‘The White Rabbit.’ So far it’s shaping up to be the biggest story because it’s setting up an event horizon that will only work if I’ve successfully earned emotional investment from the audience in the MC, my interpretation of changeling culture, and at least this one changeling OC.

The second story, called ‘The Daughters of Magic’ has around 3 major scenes already written, not consecutively, and is approximately only 1/8th done. Pretty much all of this writing was done because my muse made me inspired, no, compelled to write these specific scenes immediately. 

The third story, called ‘The Pursuit of Stone’ has around the same amount of words as the Daughters of Magic, but the scenes are actually completed, not left trailing mid-sentence. I wrote these not so much in an inspired flurry as a palate cleanser after working on The White Rabbit for weeks in a row. (The exception to this is the very first scene I wrote in December 2018 which was actually an expansion from a specific moment from chapter 23 of Whispers Within, the memory that opens with “It had been a novel sight.”)

The final? story is tentatively called ‘The Bridge to Yesterday’ and is intended to be a canon re-write/switched perspective fic, and as of the moment is completely unwritten. My plan is to leave this until last because it’s going to be the least bullshittingly of the stories and I’m going to need the Pursuit of Stone finished before I have anchor points to build the setting from.

So while I am writing non-linearly, the actual progress is still building up in a near-linear fashion? So while my planning process is rigid and linear, and my progress tracking is rigid and linear, I essential design a garden where it’s ‘safe’ for me to chase (scene) butterflies without risking confusing myself and not knowing where I’m going with everything.

[change-linguistics]

Special Announcement - November 29 2019

Those who have been following me for a while now may remember that the changeling lang and associated changeling fic went into something of a hiatus in July in order for me to finish writing Uhl fic. At the time I foolishly thought I had 3 chapters left to write, however I ended up needing to write 8 chapters (approx. 56k words) in order to fully wrap up the Whispers Within. But good news, today I just saved the very last chapter into my AO3 drafts!  🎊 🎊 🎊

As Uhl fic is now done, and I’m free to devote more time and energy to this project. I won’t be returning to work immediately as I have some unfortunate RL stuff that needs to be sorted, some medical, some personal, but when I do return I’ll make another announcement.

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Instead of doing nanowrimo proper this month, I set a similar but more specific goal, to finish Whispers Within. At the beginning of this month I had what turned out to be five chapters left to write. And now, just before midnight November 28, I did it. I finished the first draft for the last chapter. I will be editing and proofing it tomorrow, but I have effectively met my goal. It took over 33,000 words, and it’s a little shy of the tradition nanowrimo’s 50,000 words, but I did it. This is of huge importance to me because in my 20+ years of writing fiction, I have never finished a project. Until now. Holy shit! 😱

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🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖🔖 ....wait is it one emoji(🔖✏️ ✅) per person?

That is… a lot of sentences… I’mma just share a paragraph instead of counting with my fingers, okay? This is from Chapter 42 of Whispers Within, working title Hope and Family.

Sam and Josef ran out to the front yard, dragging Johannes behind them. Josef rummaged in the back of his hired Prius and hauled out one of the most expensive cameras Johannes had ever seen. They went around the side of the house where the sunlight hit it just so and stood waiting while Josef set up his camera. Sam posed against the wall, testing out some different vibes.“So how much did they set you back?” Sam asked, trying to fix his hair even though it was perfectly fine.“Oh, it is not mine,” Josef shrugged, “This belongs to work. It will only be mine if I drop it.”“And how much would it be if you drop it?” Johannes wondered.Josef whistled, “Far too much, maybe one… maybe too Annikas.”Johannes shook his head, “And that’s you’re going to be careful, right?” he frowned as Josef tried to climb atop the bench housing a small collection of cacti.“Who are you, my boss?” Josef grinned cheekily, teetering dangerously over a particular nasty looking cactus, “I am a professional.”“Uh - huh,” Johannes replied, judging him greatly.“You remembered to take the cap off, right?” Sam asked as Josef began taking photos.Josef paused to check his lens, “I did, yes good, yes,” he muttered before returning to craning over the cactus bench to get better shots of Sam as he posed, “I would like close ups of your eyes,” he asked politely, clearly slipping into professional mode, “Would this be okay?”“Of course!” Sam beamed, “Why?”“Erika will want to know what eye… cosmetics you’re wearing,” Josef explained.“Oh!” Sam grinned, “It’s an indie brand I found online, vegan, ‘Enchanted Forest’ by ‘Fairyworks Kosmetika.’ It has glitter!”

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For the ask game for writers! 12 , 13, 31, 39, and (if you're up for it cause I think I'm already asking too much ^^'' , in fact if there's one you're not in the mood to answer at the moment that is 100% alright! ) 20

12. How do you deal with self-doubts?

Unfortunately I do have a lot of internalised shit regarding putting my stuff out there (which isn’t helped by the fact I’m not writing popular characters and have an OC centric fic which is something a lot of people avoid, and thus… don’t have much in the way of feedback at the moment.) But generally I do these things; 

I try to get out of writer-me-now headspace and go back to lurker-reader-me-then headspace when I was looking for something for me in the fandom and there wasn’t quite anything there. Now, if there is anyone else who was looking for what I was looking for, there is at least one loving created fic that meets those specifications when previously, there was none.

I simply reread my favourite chapters and fall in love with the characters and laugh at the jokes and get lost in the world all over again.

I reread my favourite comments and reviews on AO3 and tumblr, and I look back at the fanart people have drawn about my fics (okay this is exactly two pieces of art but I will treasure them always.)

I talk about with my SO and my friends who are also creators. Sometimes it helps to remember that creatives are generally sensitive and introspective as a default and that everyone has self-doubts regardless of skill levels, and that sometimes that self-doubt is what keeps us pushing ourselves to grow and mature as creators and it shouldn’t be seen as a Sign ™ to quit but rather a sign to hold on tighter to why you create in the first place. 

13. How do you deal with writers block?

To be perfectly honest I don’t struggle that much with writers block in the traditional sense. I’m normally overflowing with ideas to the point where it’s hard to even know where to begin and which projects to funnel most of my attention to. 

However, I have learned that when I sit down to write and I can’t, for some reason make the words go, it is not because I can’t think of what to write, or have forgotten all my years of experience. If I can’t get myself to write it’s because I’m not in the right headspace. 

For me the right headspace is calm, serene, and not fully focused like I’m about to commence a chore. What takes me out of this headspace can be a number of things. The most common is chronic pain, digestion issues, and sleep exhaustion. Another common one is RL stresses such as people being shitty, money and expenses, existential dread about how on earth I’m going to get out of a situation that’s actively hurting me, etc. Some days you just need to allow yourself to be a human person. Eat food that won’t hurt you. Give yourself time to have a decent night’s sleep. Take your meds. Sit down and figure out how to resolve situations. Feel your feelings. Cry into a pillow, watch your favourite movies, read your favourite book. Idk, everyone has different self care routines that work for them, but often times I find myself forgetting these things and then getting angry at myself when it’s not even the writing that’s the problem. It’s something completely unrelated to my project and when I’m genuinely ready to get back to writing I can dive back in like I never even left.

31. Hardest character to write.

Okay you’re probably going to laugh at this seeing as I’m a dumbarse who based an entire 46 chaptered fic on the dude, but Señor Uhl. It’s not his motivations, or his actions, or personality quirks. It’s his Goddamn Voice. And I don’t mean like… his accent, I mean his way of speaking that makes him feel like him. Vocabulary wise he is pretty much fluent as an English speaker, and the way he turns a phrase is fairly typical with the exception of a couple times where he gets a one or two details mixed up. Yet, somehow, I struggle so much to get it to feel right at all.

39. Do you base your characters of real people or not? If so, tell us about one.

Yes and no. Yes, I take the traits and quirks and aesthetics of people I know, or people I see on the internet, and put them into characters like a build-a-bear. No, I can’t point to any character and they’d have been based entirely around a singular person. For example, in the scene where Sam accidentally stabs himself at the cinema when trying to break into a box of malteasers, that is 100% based on me. I have the misfortune of being dyspraxic and stubborn af so I will often refuse help to try to open something on my own to my own detriment. It was such a me move that SO called me out on this the second I shared that scene. Malinowski, a teacher OC who dresses in bright miss-matched colours, he has a tendency to speak in long, long sentences with more big words than it generally needed. This is actually a family trait and one my brother has even worse than me. Auntie and Dorothy, two older OCs, are essentially an amalgamation of all of the strong, industrious, and nosy (slightly problematic) older women who busy-bodied their way into my life for better or worse. Dorothy is all of the severe, conservative yet respectful elements of their characters, Auntie is all of the pure unadulterated heart and humour of their characters, and their collective insistence that everyone’s business is their business.

20. Post a snippet of a WIP you’re working on.

Okay this is from Chapter 44 - (current working title; Cuddles and Lesbians)

The third period ended and Johannes had the misfortune of wandering the halls of the Science department as it happened. A great flood of students rolled passed him, eager to get to their next destination which from their perspective was anywhere but the classroom they had just been stuck in. He held his coffee in his hand, refusing to let the children win. At the other end of the corridor Malinowski stood on herding duty, looking like a stray clown that had lost his way from pride in his mismatched rainbow suit. Johannes had five minutes free and he decided to head off in Malinowski’s direction. Several steps in he became aware of the sounds of running behind him.“Who do you think you are? Do you even have a visitor’s pass? We don’t just let in any hobo off the streets!” Sarkozi yelled as the possible intruder panted audibly.Johannes spun around and nearly dropped his coffee.“I… do… too!” Sam insisted, holding up his visitor’s pass for everyone to see, “I didn’t… even… need to ask,” he panted, “Margaret already knows me.”Sarkozi looked Sam up and down disapprovingly, his eyes settling on Sam’s black hoodie with the skull wearing a crown of dandelions and ‘FÆTLĀES’ written underneath in a death metal font, “Why are you here?” he asked in thinly veiled disgust.“Sandwich?” Sam replied, waving a plastic container in front of the man as though it were obvious, “I had to run to get here before lunch break,” he chuckled apologetically, “Didn’t even have time to change into proper pants,” a small crowd of students had gathered to watch.Johannes immediately remembered the lunch he must had left in the fridge by accident. “Yes, I can see that, uh…,” Sarkozi waved a hand at his person, “What’s your name again?” “Sam,” Sam replied helpfully, “We met at the party on the weekend, you were very… uh… starey.”“Ah,” Sarkozi grimaced, “The ‘boy toy,’ I should have known,” a few students giggled. “Sam!” Malinowski yelled out, having somehow snuck up next to Johannes when he wasn’t looking, “Is that a Fætlāes sweater? I love that band!”“Adam!” Sam yelled out, “Yeah it is!” he dashed up to them, leaving Sarkozi to disapprove on his own, “I love your suit! You have a little unicorn pin on your tie and everything! How are you the cutest thing?” he gushed.Johannes cleared his throat awkwardly, painfully aware there were students, and worst Sarkozi, watching them.Sam grinned up at him, his nose wrinkling, “Du bist auch süß, Honigbär,” he purred happily, “Du hast dein Mittagessen vergessen.”[Translation from German: You’re cute too, honey bear. You forgot your lunch.]Johannes took the sandwich gratefully, “Dreh dich, por favor,” he made a spinning gesture with the sandwich in its container.[Translation from German: Spin around…]Sam made a face and spun around, “Entschuldigung,” he offered as the slogan ‘cuddle slut’ came into view printed on his sage green booty shorts.[Translation from German: Sorry.]

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23 & 39?

I’m going to answer these out of order as I ended up explaining Uhl fic’s entire backstory and it got it super long and should really go under a cut. I hope you don’t mind, it’s a looong read.

39. What is your greatest strength as a writer?

I think ultimately it is that I have around 20 years of writing experience (I legit started when I was around 10) and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I can execute my vision for a scene/character/whatever and be happy with what I’ve written. Obviously I don’t think my writing is perfect and I’m forever going to be chasing that goal, but being able to go back over my writing and not despise it was a surprisingly hard skill to learn and I think it’s my greatest current strength because now I have the confidence and motivation to continue.

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

That has to be Whispers Within, I haven’t actually written a full length anything before and I am getting super close to finishing it now which is amazing to me because in part it feels like healing.

To explain this, I started the fic when my disability took a nose dive and I needed something to help me exercise my brain and make me feel like me again. At the time I couldn’t focus on a lot of “adult media” like Orphan Black, Game of Thrones, Sense8, etc because those shows were very long, very complicated and literally impossible for me to follow the plot of at all. 

HOWEVER Trollhunters shone out to me and I’d just lie in bed watching and rewatching and rewatching. Before this I liked the show, I had been introduced by a little man of around the age of 4 and by episode 20 had falling in love with the trolls and the changelings. I had my own changeling OC, a seer named Tristan, which I didn’t really do anything with beyond arting and assigning a backstory to, and maybe shipping him with the usual suspects. Season 2 came around and I fell in love with the human characters as well. I was doing a Cert IV in graphic design and sometimes I’d have it playing in the background as I was working on my assignments. Not always, but I recently started watching Voyager from the beginning and I’d need the occasional palette cleanser.

At the beginning of 2018 I crashed really hard, and the obsessive rewatching began. Especially the episodes S2:8-10, I literally watched one of those for each meal every day. At this stage I couldn’t write at all but I already had Tristan just sitting there in my head. Up until this point I’ve always been able to be creative, I first became disabled at 14 years old and as a response all of my identity became focused around sedentary things I could do alone, see: arting, writing, conlangs, worldbuilding etc. And almost over night I could no longer do any of those things. But creativity doesn’t go away and I lost myself to daydreaming since that was all I could do. As brainfog is an inherently unfocused plane, character ideas about new creatures merged with fandreams about Tristan and they twisted and curled, slightly different each time, and eventually became Sam.

And then in late May and early June, three things happened to me that gave me the drive to force myself to write even though it was so hard for me. 1. My doctor told me if I didn’t use my skills I’d lose them forever. (this isn’t actually true, dr was just a dick, but it was like that no fear, one fear meme). 2. Season 3 of Trollhunters came out and Bad Coffee did things to me and I dove straight into AO3 hungry for a fic that didn’t exist, although I found others such as Days in the Sun by @seagullandcroissant and was further inspired, and 3. My now SO confessed her feelings for me and we started dating. Suddenly I had the deep need to write, even if it was silly or high concept drabble. The concept of Sam’s visions was a way for me to make sense of that and give me a good contrivance to write little bites of speculative fiction within a universe. And due to my SO not being a man I suddenly had some intense internalised biphobia and felt the need to validate my queerness for my own personal reasons, and due to our relationship being LD, a sudden need for sappy domestic fluff.

At first it was so hard, it’d take me all day to write a short paragraph. But then it hit me that, I couldn’t art but I could paint with words. So the visions got more experimental, and I finally started feeling like myself again. I picked a love interest from ToA because that world was already in my head and I had just started learning German on Duolingo as more brain practice, so Uhl randomly became the guy. You have no idea how close I came to picking Walter but there was already so many fics about him out there and like… none about Uhl and I was salty.

Initially I had zero intention of putting it out there in the world because I was going through some internalised stuff about writing fan fiction over my own worlds, but then I shared some of with my SO (enduring the mortifying ordeal of being known) and she liked it so much that over several months I came to the decision that I actually I did want to want to be active in the fandom and have met some amazing people through it. I definitely have no regrets and for however long that I continue writing, Whispers Within is always going to be dear to me for these and a number of other reasons.

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@bifacialler tagged me to do a picrew of myself and two OCs. After a mornings procrastination I have come up with this. 90% of this time was spent trying to find an even borderline accurate human me. Since I have around a billion OCs I decided to stick with Uhl fic OCs as they’re fresh and modern and easy to do in these types of things. For those who haven’t read about them yet; McKenny is an OC maths teacher at Arcadia Oaks High whose wife is an English teacher. She turns up in like 5ish chapters I think. Sam is a kind of immortal spirit creature thing and the Main Character OC/Love Interest in Whispers Within. He’s a ray of sunshine and chaotic good incarnate. Picrew links: (Bear) (2) (3) (4) I won’t tag anybody because I’m about to go make myself lunch, but if you’re reading this and you wanna do this... @you