You know when you put a seashell against your ear? And you hear the sound which adults convinced you was the sound of the sea, but as you got older you released was just the sound of the emptiness that filled the shell. Peter was that sound.
He was empty and alone. So so alone.
He blinked slowly, looking mutely at the bed in front of him. Someone was speaking to him, one of the other boys, but Peter wasn't listening. Only one sound was filling his ears, and it was emptiness.
He could still remember when he used to feel. Could still remember what love and happiness and safety and fear and worry and despair and crushing loneliness felt like, bit it was as though Peter only had a monthly allowance of feelings and he had used all of his up within the first few days and now he was left empty and numb until the new month came along.
The room he was standing in was bare. It was filled to the brim with stuff, but was still bare because it was devoid of any joy. They tried to spread joy - Meg and the other carers - but in a place like this, where everyone has to have lost something and most have lost everything, joy is hard to keep alive.
The walls were a pale, creamy, white; the kind of colour which was all the range to promote calmness and space a few decades ago, but now just screams of a mental asylum. Not that Peter was in a mental asylum, but he would guess they weren't too different. There were a few pictures up on the walls, drawings done by some of the other boys and the odd motivational poster, but most of them paid them no mind. They had just always need there so those posters and drawings just faded into the background.
The majority of the room was filled with about twelve, meal framed, beds. They were packed in like sardines, with only enough space for a small cupboard between them. It didn't affect Peter, he didn't need much space for a single photo and a change of clothes. He normally let the boy in the bed next to him - Oscar - use his lower shelf. Peter only needed the top one but Oscar was lucky, he had a couple of his own belongings which he needed to store.
Peter knew he should care about the fact that he had nothing, but he was numb to that fact. He knew that it would hit him one day soon, the fact he had nothing left in the world, but for now he remained blissfully ignorant. He hoped he stayed that way forever.
Nothing was the same anymore.
Different house. Different school. Different teachers. Different work. Different carers. Different routine. Different after school activities. Different everything.
Peter barely even recognised himself anymore.
He lost everything that day.
It had been such a normal day, he was sure it was going to be completely normal. He was at school, May was sleeping at home after a long night shift and everything was amazing. A field trip had just been announced and Peter and Ned were planning a sleepover. In the end Peter didn't make it to either the field trip or the sleepover.
He had smelt it before he had seen it. Obviously he had seen the bright light on the horizon, but he had thought it was the sun set. It wasn't the sun set. The strong stench of smoke had hit his nose and he had sprinted, but he was too late.
He lost everything. His home. His spider suit. Everything he owned. Everything that used to be Ben's. Everything that used to be May's.
The only thing he still had was a picture of the tree of them, taken not long before Ben died. It had been in Peter's school bag so, just like him, it survived.
Now Peter was here, in a halfway home for boys, not even in Queens anymore, feeling empty and alone, with nothing to live for but nothing to die for either. He was just stuck there. Floating.
He hadn't seen anyone he knew for the longest time, but he knew in the back of his head it could only have been a couple of weeks.
How long since his life crumbled into a pile of ash? He hadn't been counting.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Come on Peter." Meg called. They were going on a trip. For some reason the carers had decided that this small collection of children just needed some fresh air and to get out and about for a bit. Peter thought it was stupid, he had lost everything, he didn't care about whether the air smelt of flowers or leaves. He couldn't not go though, they had said it was 'super exciting' and 'once in a lifetime' and 'not to be missed'. Peter assumed they were just trying to get a bit of excitement out of the lot of them, it wasn't working but we'll done to them for trying.
They filed out, a small crowd in a huge city. A small hole of emptiness in the city of everything. Not one of them even blinked at the cold Autumn wind, no one jumped in piles of leaves, not a single person kept about in autumnal jubilation, they were all the inside of a shell, they were all in a separate world.
That wasn't true, and Peter knew it. Every other child there had a future, they had lost but they were ready to go out and fight for their futures. Peter wished them the best, but he knew he was stuck in his little void. It would take more than hope to get him out of it.
Peter didn't even notice when they ended up outside of Stark industries. They were just passing by it, on their way to the ice cream parlour which boasted to serve the 'best ice cream in New York' - Peter had managed to overhear Meg telling Oscar where they were going - and Peter didn't even blink. He just kept walking towards the ice cream.
In fact, he only really registered what he had seen once he was sitting down, staring blankly at a bowl of mint choc chip ice cream. It had been Stak industries. It had been…… it had been home.
"I'm going to the toilet." He said to Meg, his voice rough from disuse, before standing up and walking out the door, very clearly not the way to the toilet. Peter didn't care. Why would it matter if they knew he was lying?
He walked with a purpose, more purpose than he'd had in weeks. It felt…. It felt good actually. After so long walking around feeling empty and cold, being filled with purpose was a welcomed change.
He didn't stop until he was standing outside the glass doors of Stark Industries and suddenly his head caught up with him. This may of been the only home he had left, but he had been AWOL for ages, maybe he wasn't welcome here anymore….
"Peter?" A voice asked in shock before he was pulled into a tight hug. Peter would remember this motherly hug anywhere.
"Hey Pepper." He said, his voice hadn't warmed up yet so it was still rough and actually probably made him sound ill. Before he could pull back or, he didn't know, do anything, Pepper bustled him through the doors and towards the lift.
"Hello Peter." FRIDAY said gently as the door closed. Her voice was as robotic as always, but somehow it sounded glad, as though somewhere in her artificial heart she had been worried about him, Peter didn't think for a minute that it wasn't true. FRIDAY felt, he knew that. She was loyal to Tony and was like Pepper's friend, she was another mother figure in Peter's life.
"Hey FRI." He said shakily. The amount of mothering in this single lift was overwhelming, especially now that May was - now that May was gone.
"Do you want me to tell Sir that you are here?" FRIDAY asked and Peter's brain just paused for a second. Tony. He was going to see Tony. He hadn't seen Tony since the incident, in fact he wasn't sure Tony even knew. He had missed Tony recently. Somewhere deep in the numbness had been an emptiness which didn't come from May, but from the loss of everything else which he counted as family.
"Can you just tell him to meet us in the sitting room, please FRIDAY," Pepper asked quickly. Clearly she thought this would be a fun surprise. Just like 'surprise here is your missing spider kid!'
Peter took a deep breath as he felt the lift stopped. It was time. He could already feel tears prickling at his eyes, he was home.
He stepped out slowly. He could see the back of Tony's head sitting on the sofa, and watched as he turned. He felt detached, almost as if he was watching it happen on a TV screen and this wasn't really his life, but then their gazes met and Tony gasped in shock and Peter's tears burst free. It was like his emotions were back, but now they were crashing over him full five, drowning him in their intensity and trying to drag him down.
"Peter." Tony whispered, almost like it was a prayer while Peter stumbled forwards. He didn't feel his legs moving, he was just suddenly there, being crashed against Tony's chest and pulled into a hug. He was truly home.
"Peter what happened? You've been gone for ages. Where did you go? I had FRIDAY doing a search but she didn't see you in Queens, and she said she had found you but couldn't tell me because it was restricted information. I tried to bargain with her but she wouldn't tell me." Tony's voice was wavering and full of emotion. He gently lowered Peter and himself onto the sofa and after a second Pepper came to join them, gently rubbing both of their backs in comfort.
"I've been - been in a halfway home." Peer explained, his voice breaking while he hiccuped, his tears starting to clear but not going yet.
"A halfway home?" Pepper asked gently, clearly confused over what was going on.
Before Peter could explain, FRIDAY spoke up. "Sir, there is a woman at the front desk, asking at access your security cameras to find a missing child."
"Do we have any information about this woman and the missing child?" Tony asked, always careful about security when Peter was around.
"She says her name is Meg and she's looking for a child called Peter Parker. She had given a description but I'm guessing you know what he looks like." Peter smiled at FRIDAY's words, anyone hearing those words would believe she was a real human.
"Peter?" Tony asked confused.
"Yeah, she's my ...carer I guess." He said, feeling tears bubble up once more at the thought of it all. It was odd, it had been a while so now half the time he could smile, he could even laugh once or twice, and then suddenly the emptiness would be back and drowning him once again.
"Ummm. Send her up I guess, Peter what's going on. Where's May?" Pepper asked.
"You didn't hear?" Peter's tone was empty, drone like, "there was a fire. I lost everything."
"Oh Peter." Tony said, pulling him into another tight hug. "It's ok."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It took twenty minutes and a lot of explaining, but it was decided.
Peter was going to be adopted by Tony and Pepper. He may have basically been their kid before, but now he would be.
Things weren't perfect straight away. He was still spending half his time numb, waking up in cold sweats due to nightmares about the fire and still couldn't believe this was real.
But he was back at school. Back with his friends. Back with his family.