isn’t it odd how some memories find themselves at the forefront of our minds? the moments i considered to be minute someway have been stored in the folder of importance in my filing cabinet head and occasionally make an accidental mess on the floor of my brain. i remembered today a moment that reminded me that before i had ever fallen in love i had already become someone who desperately sought out the approval of other people - before i left middle school, i was already more comfortable allowing myself to be tiny.. even forcing myself into tight spaces in order to be ..anyone’s.
today, i always find myself wondering when the light in my eyes went out that i would clothe myself in acceptable looks and behaviors - acceptable in terms of “not too much” - and therefore forfeit the opportunity to decide for myself who it was that i wanted to be or even to see myself for who i had always been and truthfully, still am today.
as a woman, i see how tricky that path is - the journey to self, i mean. i see how it winds and twists around concepts that have barely been visited like MY preference.. like MY aspirations.. like MY desires, and mine alone, without the influence of anyone else. and maybe it’s harder because i’m getting back to some things, discovering new things, and also releasing what i can’t be anymore - nonetheless, i see how difficult it is now to start to answer hard questions and still not feel brave enough to stand on those truths as pillars of my identity.
i always assumed i lost myself being abused in love.. but i fell in love at a vulnerable age before i even accepted “myself” - i never had a chance to survive the abuse because i never allowed myself to be wonderful. or worthy. so when i hid myself further in the shadow of someone who i would give my heart to, i lost what i never did hold and was even more lost when the relationship ended.
the smallest things - like asking my 7th grade best friend if she approved of an outfit my mama made me wear because mama was tired of me looking thrown away at school - have made me question whether or not before this time i was ever brave enough to just be me.. or to at least figure out who *i wanted to be. or to embrace for a second without feeling that i intimidated anyone - that i come with a whole lot of spice, a whole lot of attitude, and a heart that has room for the entire world. had i not done so much to be so small, maybe i would have seen that having the spirit that draws people, heals people and loves people is not my sin, but my gift - since really opening my eyes and collecting myself, i’ve been fighting from this place trying to prove that i’m worthy despite everything i’ve done and allowed to suggest i wasn’t.. but maybe all i need to do with my rediscovered worth is be grateful that it never truly went anywhere and just be -
