Sadness fills me it’s like a black hole that increases in size. I’ve tried to stop it, I’ve tried to believe but the sadness takes me every time. I cannot see the good in myself, i cannot see why I need to stay. Why I must be here. People have called it the devil, people have called it insanity, but I call it hell.
I wander if I have ever been happy. I try to remember a time in my life when happiness reigned in my heart. Most of my happiness were in small moments. Moments of laughter with a trusting grandmother and a comedic aunt. My favorite moments of childhood laughter with my sister over a language we made up; or a game where we beat our little brother because we were always out to be a team vs the boys. Or meeting my mother for the first time and also a brother I only dreamed I had. Brief moments of happiness very very brief and they all end.
I am here undecided as to why I am here. Why I want to be here and why or who would ever love me. I have people around me who say they do. I think they do but I’m unsure. My counselor says it’s because I was traumatized with negative emotional abuse as a child. Idk if I was or care if I was. I was yelled at and things were said to me that probably should not have been said to a child but I was fed, clothed and sheltered. I’m insecure. The counselor is a liar. I always have been, insecure.
I do remember being very lonely. I didn’t fit in with most children because I was a habitual liar. I lied about everything. I lied about my parents, my siblings, my clothes, my name; fuck name it I lied about it. It was a constant wickedness of need for attention because I yearned for it. I literally yearned for love. I believe this carried on into my adulthood. I have yearned for love so badly that I have accepted it in all shapes, forms and monsters. I do not know why and I will never understand why I feel this way; because I have felt love in forms and in small moments of my life I have felt love from a friend, family member or even stranger; I know it exists...I just can’t feel it.
