I know we all need fluff and happiness in this fandom. But also. Give me postcanon bartnat angst. Give me a lot of postcanon bartnat angst.
Give me Nathaniel who thinks that the mere idea of wanting Bartimaeus to be anywhere near him is him becoming his past self. Because the last time he was so eager to have Bartimaeus near him he almost killed him. He hurt him. He enslaved him. And in the end his feeling doesn't matter because if he wants to become better he must stop thinking about what he would want. And it's horrible of him of to have a mare thought to see Bartimaeus smiling at him again or cracking some kind of funny jokes or assisting him with any of his office work and. And he's so afraid that If he lets himself to love Bartimaeus he would inevitably hurt him again because deep down he just thinks that's how he is, irredeemable in the very core? And all he can think about is that there's a reason for him thinking like that, that he can't run from his past until it chokes him. He has to leave himself leaving with what he feels because what he feels is nothing on the greater plane. He is worse that Kitty and he is worse than Ptolemy and he is worse than a decent human being. And Bartimaeus is there, and Kitty summons him on his own terms to hung out sometimes and Nathaniel isn't there. Not because he doesn't want to but because he feels he has no right to want it after all the pain he caused? And Bartimaeus is confused because they were one and he wouldn't mind loving him after Nathaniel gave up his life for him but all Nathaniel can think about is I can't let myself to hurt him ever again.
Yes. Give me all of that.
