Tally Has Thoughts

Hello, and welcome to shitposts, poetry, and random advice no one asked for. My name is Tally, and I have thoughts.

[tallyhasthoughts]

I sacrificed myself

To be liked.

It wasn't worth it.

[tallyhasthoughts]

I have a drawer full of art

Supposed to go on my wall

But I've been here 4 months

And have no drive at all

So I put them in frames

And I sit them aside

Until a time when I don't feel

So empty inside

[tallyhasthoughts]

[tallyhasthoughts]

Me and my cat, both well aware of our dietary restrictions, sit in the soft glow of my mini fridge eating shredded cheese straight from the bag. It's 2:30 AM, we've both been trying to sleep for several hours. She's succeeded on and off, I have not. She rubs against my bag of snacks, specifically the pork jerky that I forgot was in there. I give her a sliver while I eat a few pieces. We climb back into bed, me eating cheez-its while she guards me. And then we settle back in to try again.

[tallyhasthoughts]

A queer and a priest walk into a grocery store...

There is no punchline, this is my life

[tallyhasthoughts]

Me: wandering around the house eating bread at midnight

Spirit: briefly appears

Me: stands still and stares, bread in mouth, like a blepping cat

[tallyhasthoughts]

Me: doesn't regularly drink caffeine for over a year

Me this morning: woke up with happy chemicals, decided to keep those going with energy drink

Me, at 12:30 am, after consuming 760 mg of caffeine in 14 hours: experiencing mild hallucinations and bitching loudly at the universe about my existence in my empty bedroom

[tallyhasthoughts]

I’ve been watching a lot of “All Hail King Julien” recently on Netflix (don’t judge me). I’m sure the show has cultural insensitivity to natives of Madagascar but I don’t know enough about that to make a comment on it. I’ve been watching the show for a few months now, meaning I was watching it when the bodies of indigenous Canadian children were discovered. This may not seem at all related, however I did notice a common phrase that I’ve seen in plenty of children’s shows that hit me different. “This ____ was built on an ancient burial ground” or, alternatively, “ancient Indian burial ground”. This was kind of a horrifying realization for me because, despite being aware of the struggle of indigenous people since my childhood, that phrase never phased me. I definitely think it’s time to phase that out and just replace it with “haunted” or “cursed” because in most cases that’s what the characters mean.     

[tallyhasthoughts]

I'm not super fond of being perceived as femme most of the time, but if someone looked at my physical form and called me a goddess I don't think I'd ever forget it (in a good way).

[shy-bi-notatallfly]

While my family is outside watching fireworks from our front lawn (several neighbors are setting them off) I'm in a blanket fort watching Netflix through noise cancelling headphones with my speaker playing white noise. I can't stand the loud sudden noises. Especially with children screaming nearby. With all that's happened in our country, especially recently, and the constant reminders of domestic mass shootings and wars abroad, it's hard to enjoy the sound of explosions. They don't have the same wonder they did when I was a child. Last night was tough so I prepared tonight but it's not a perfect fix. I can't imagine how much all this noise effects people with gunshot/explosion triggers, or those who are extremely sensitive to sound.

[tallyhasthoughts]

I’m still bi

I’m still trans

We’re still gay

We’re still pan

“You’re going to hell!”

I’ll see you there!

Your god doesn’t like me?

I kinda don’t care lol

[tallyhasthoughts]

Nightmares stirring every time my eyes close

Wake up sweating, gotta stay on my toes

Post traumatic stressing is probably a given

Anxiety surrounding every story that I’m living

Won’t go to sleep cuz I’m afraid of tomorrow

Every hour I live is one that I’ve borrowed

Got a debt to settle with the sleep that I’ve lost

But in a thousand years couldn’t cover the cost

[tallyhasthoughts]

Why Pray

I’m not gonna fight you, say your religion is wrong

But I spent 18 years singing those songs

I spent 16 years praying “God, what’s wrong

with me”.

I was taught humility but it became low self-esteem

And I struggled to find where I fit in god’s dreams

Because everybody told me he had a plan for me

Guess he didn’t.

So when I cringe at the word “Church” it’s not an attack on your god

It’s a reminder of that little kid he forgot

You’ve brought up my dad, I’m still kinda soft

since he left.

At this point in my life I say goodbye to religion

And I no longer find praying efficient

Because what’s the point in talking if no one will listen

[2-point-5]

i'm making myself sad by thinking about immortality again.

[2-point-5]

like, i see people talk about the concept of seeing everyone you love die, yada yada yada, but what about the uncertainty of it?

what if, when the world is dead, and humanity is gone, millennia in the future, you're left, walking. you're the only thing alive. you're alone.

but what's worse than that, i think, is the fact that you anticipate it. imagine knowing that. imagine not knowing. imagine wondering if you're ever going to rest. if you're ever going to get off this rock. if your bones will crumble like the rocks around you, because even diamond has an expiration date.

you've been alive for so long the stars have their own names for you.

will you ever get to join them?

[shy-bi-notatallfly]

She held him close, eyes gone blind, as the sky began to burn. "I guess this is the end" he said, but would be for her? There were no screams, only ashes fall, as the people burned alive. The Earth began to break apart, with lava from inside. And when the blindness finally fades, she's left here in the fire. With the realization that, unlike Earth, she never will expire. She lay, sprawled out, floating still on planets' small debris. She stared into the universe and prayed to be set free.

[tallyhasthoughts]

So, if you've ever owned a cat, you'll know they're possessed by the constant urge to ruin expensive and irreplaceable items. It's not their fault, but sometimes it can be dangerous for them. My sister has a lovely little gremlin who likes to eat succulents. Recently we picked up some plants at a yard sale, looked them up when we got home, and found that they are contact-poisonous to cats. The solution? Put the plants in an old hamster cage. Cat can't get her little paws in it but can still sniff and stare through the bars, and the plants get sunlight. Definitely recommend caging items that you don't want your cat to have.

[tallyhasthoughts]

I sing with the whales I sing with the stars Sometimes so close Yet somehow so far I sink further in Consumed by the void It accepts my form And muffles the noise And when I return New songs I have found For so many years They won't hear a sound

[tallyhasthoughts]

I just wanna know that she's okay

I met her at a refugee camp in Greece I was there for a week, helping educate on human trafficking I didn't know Arabic but she knew English We were told not to give out our information Not to give the kids false hope that we would stay in contact It was best to just leave, let the next group take our place But now I, selfishly, wish I had broken that rule I want to know that she and her family escaped to Germany That she was able to get counseling and the safe place she deserved That she was able to be a normal kid She would be 15 now I just wanna know she's okay