A short long list of Things I Will Never Be Over That Live Rent-Free in My Head.
*It's Tiva making out, so, how could it be bad, but it also has so much of them in it; it is so about who they are as people and their relationship:
*I know nobody will read this but I don't care.
-The cut from them smiling flirtatiously at each other over a table to mid-desperate-kiss. They've shared so many looks that could've cut to a desperate kiss but finally, finally it's actually happening.
-Tony catching them with a few fingers against the wall at the opening 'cause they're kissing so frantically they almost stumbled over.
-The sound of them breathing through their noses as they kiss. Her soft moan. The lack of soundtrack for the first little while. This is, like, feral kissing. How did they ever sit in the same room and keep their hands off each other?
-Her arms hanging around his neck. That is such a vulnerable position physically. Letting someone completely into her space. Removing the easiest method of pushing them away without even thinking about it. Has she kissed other men like this, or is this a Tony thing, a trust thing?
-Her wrapping her hand around his neck to pull him closer. But, like, softly. Guiding, not grabbing; she knows he's not going anywhere.
-That little look and breath they share at the end of the first kiss. The last time they did this they weren't an actual couple, and they both didn't know that they'd made a whole human, and they both maybe thought they wouldn't see each other again, but also had no idea they'd be separated for so long in all the tragic ways they were, and after six and a half years it's like they're both going, holy shit, do we actually get to do this for real? It's desire and passion and eagerness but it's also so soft and full of their history, that shared look, and smile. Finally, it says.
-He can't decide where to put his hands first, bless him. Around her waist, up her back and shoulders, around her neck, in her hair. Every time they kiss, his hands are everywhere. There's such desperation in that.
-Their audible exhales every time they stop kissing to talk.
-The way he melts forward while he's saying Tali will be asleep. An important character moment, actually, 'cause he's not answering her actual concern about the complexities with Tali, which is the whole plot of the flashbacks. He's trying to skip past all of that to the fairy tale part.
-But also the way she gives in anyway, easily, to kiss him a little longer. She doesn't want to have to worry about that either; she just wants him. Her hand splayed across his face. The love in that gesture.
-Her hands on his chest while she's talking. Talking with her hands by touching him. There's something so intimate about that. Such physical trust. She's put a pause to the kissing but has no desire to be less close to him.
-He's trying so hard to listen; he really is. But his mind is clearly preoccupied by being so close to her and the date and the kissing and the idea of making love to her. I've been waiting for this moment from the minute I found out you were still alive. From the minute I got on the airplane and flew away from you.
-"This part has always been very easy for us." Uhm. Ma'am.
"No mixed messages". The way she searches his face after that, like she still can't believe that he actually wants to be with her. And that reality, the complete lack of pretense, the idea that Tali seeing them together won't be confusing because he's offering that this is it, now, forever, is so tempting it's impossible for her to stay away.
-He bends forward but lets her be the one to kiss him first. Her tentative little testing kiss, and then how she just has to keep going, and the way that her hand that was lower on his chest, keeping him a few inches away, moves to curl in his shirt and run down his collar.
-The nose/forehead touching. Ahhh.
-"Maybe us being together is the stability Tali needs" her smile; her SMILE. Her little breathy laugh. They've never been together properly and she's gone to hell and back since the last time they had sex and the idea that he wants to be with her, wants to be a family, is the happiest thing, other than having her little girl back, that has happened to her since she cried while handing Tali over to someone else to keep safe. All of the years they spent being afraid of wanting each other, the years she spent too afraid to tell him about Tali, all of which she must have regretted on many lonely nights on the run. All of the moments she's spent these past years wondering if he'd speak to her again, let her into his and Tali's life. If what she'd done was unforgivable. All of that hurts, but suddenly not as much - because of what he said at dinner, and how they're finally here.
-Their half not-really-kisses as he talks into her mouth, and the way she moves her lips to kiss him back for all of them even though they're not quite making proper contact.
-Tony breaking off sentences to kiss her. The way he's whispering/speaking lowly like it's a precious secret between them.
-The movie references. She loves it so much, despite herself, when he's all cheesy and flirting with her.
-And the way she smiles through all of his earnest flirting about family movies and fairy tales and tilts her head to give him room to kiss her neck. "Happily ever after is a fairy tale notion" she says, as if an objection, but she's staring into his eyes all love-drunk and smiling, perhaps the most carefree we've ever seen her smile.
-The forehead touch and her fingers grasping his shirt lapels. Their bright smiles and their brushing noses.
-Then things get serious again, and they're back to the rather desperate kissing, to being seconds away from tearing at each others' clothes.
-Her one kiss that sort of misses his mouth because he's already moving to kiss her neck; like she was so enthralled with the kissing she didn't even notice him beginning to move.
-Tony clearly knows exactly where she likes to be kissed on her neck. He grabs her waist to bring her closer. And even as she stops them, that's the moment you can most see how good it feels for her. She probably hadn't touched hardly anyone for any reason other than fighting in years up until a few months ago; she almost certainly hasn't kissed anyone in years, until they kissed at the airport. It must be absolute sensory overload to be making out with the love of her life.
-Her hands moving along his shoulders and cupping his neck as she stops them. There is such tenderness in that touch. Such familiarity. It's been a long time, but they know each other. Partners. And she has to physically stop him, because she knows she won't make herself stop otherwise, because she wants him so much.
-Her hands on his chest again, and her leaning back against the wall, and wiping her lips. She's so overwhelmed.
-The way her putting a stop to things is so disappointing to him, but he's trying so hard not to show it to her. His sad half-attempt at a smile. This scene has so much of what went wrong in the 2020-2021 timeline. Tony swallowing back his feelings so as not to disappoint her (obviously she's totally entitled to stop them, but it wouldn't hurt anything for him to say how he's feeling; that he really, desperately wants her, and needs some reassurance himself because he's been dreaming of having her back for so long and it's been so hard). And also Tony not really listening to her (apparently correct) concern that they shouldn't really fall back into being together without talking about things, or at least making a plan to talk about things. Ziva not quite letting herself see exactly how deep his disappointment and sadness run. How hurt he still is. How much he needs her reassurance.
-The breathy "alright" and "okay" and the breaths they both let out leaning against the door when they stop. Their overlapping arms as they stare ahead. It's like they're both feeling all the times they've wanted to kiss before and made themselves stop. Both a little skeptical they actually want to stop. Both a little skeptical they've ever actually not wanted to kiss each other.
-"So the tried and true you take the bedroom and I'll cozy up on the couch" and then she smiles/breathes out a little laugh because, Tony and Ziva, my loves, there is a bit of a history of nobody actually taking the couch. I love the history of this statement, too. The admission of for just how long and how many times ("tried and true") they've wanted each other over the years. They could, you know, get into bed together but not have sex, but they both know they're not capable of that.
-His nod and "okay"; he wants so much to do right by her; to do whatever she needs, at the expense of what he needs, the reassurance of her touch that he's craving.
-The look of realization on her face. You can see her thinking, wait, why can't we have this? "Fuck it; let's go." But said low, breathily. Ziva wanting something for her and them and letting herself have it, damn the consequences, because she's allowed to just want things now. She's allowed to want him.
-Her grabbing his head and tilting him down to kiss her, her fingers all spread out and in his hair and moving just because she can.
-His groans against her lips as he kisses her back. He's so overwhelmed. So desperate. So surprised. So in love with her. Again, the last time they did this, he found her, and finally said something about his feelings, and pleaded with her to come home with him. And she didn't, and he thought he was going to have to find a way to let her go. Only to discover that she'd carried their baby and not told him. That while he was in D.C. trying to figure out how to be without her, she'd been in Israel living a life far more entwined with his than he'd ever imagined. He'd been told she was dead. He'd cried over her and smelled her shampoo on her scarf and thought about her holding him in her bed in Israel. He'd thought he was never going to talk to her or be with her or touch her or kiss her again. He'd thought that she wasn't just far away anymore and he couldn't live with the quiet hope he'd secretly harbored of fixing this thing between them someday. All the anguish of missing her and the betrayal of her not telling him about Tali - he'd thought he'd have to find a way to make peace with that without her. Then he'd learned she was still alive, but he hadn't been able to spend time with her to make sense of his relief. Ask all the questions. Talk about their feelings. He's had to go through lots of life without her. Missing her in his life and Tali's. Doing all the hard parenting stuff without her. Waiting for her. Those groans are all of that. The anguish and desperation and disbelief that he has her back; that he and Tali get to have Ziva in their lives for good now. And the disbelief he always feels whenever she touches him desperately like that, because I think some part of him still thinks, I can't believe she actually wants me. I can't believe she's not sending me away, leaving me again.
-His arms at his side and against the door. In part to keep his hands to himself because she asked to stop, but I think also because he's so overwhelmed he can't even remember how to move his limbs. The little step he takes. Struggling to remember how to move.
-Soft moans from both of them as they kiss.
-Him looking up at the ceiling for a moment and breathing out, and Ziva having to drag his head back down again. Holy fuck I've been waiting for this day for four years; seven years; fifteen years. I get to have her again. Really didn't think I would.
-I love that he's so overwhelmed that she has to grab his arm to drag him with her.
-The song. French. Tonally perfect for the scene. It's not just joyous reunion. There's a weight to this moment. And the lyrics, about being afraid of loving someone so much, but coming back to them again and again anyway. About not trusting yourself because loving someone that much is terrifying. About distance and not being sure if that's safer because does being apart or being together and vulnerable hurt more? And it uses boats as a metaphor (NCIS, geddit?).
-She's so giddy leading him into the bedroom. Who are you and what have you done with Ziva David?
-The door slamming and their laughs and shushing. His is well-practiced; you can see he's more used to being a parent. The affection in his smile and laugh as he bends to kiss her again. He's totally soaking up every second of seeing her that giddy.
-And there's something else too about the fact that the last time they did this, they were grasping to hold onto something. It was loving but tinged with sadness and loss. But now here they are, years later, in an apartment with their child who they're trying not to wake, with all the time in the world to be together. It's so domestic; so different. It's like you can see him realizing that. All the couple-y parenting things he's been missing, like having to be quiet while having sex 'cause your kid is sleeping across the hall. The Tony-and-Ziva-who-have-a-kid-together have never done this before. They're intertwined for life now, no matter what they do. What a reversal from when he kissed her in her bed the last time they made love in Israel, trying to kid himself into thinking that if he could just show her enough how much he loved her, she'd let him stay or come home with him and he wouldn't lose her forever.
-The way she absolutely melts into the next kiss.
-Them working together to undress her, and his genuine confusion when she's not naked, and her giddy little laugh and brush of her nose against his and tilted head, and his answering smile. It's like they found a little piece of the old them. Surprising each other. Teasing. It's not all so serious anymore, and not so unfamiliar.
-Pushing against each other as they kiss. The give and take.
-Ziva moving her shoulder to help him undress her but never stopping their kiss.
-And then it does get serious for him. His brow furrows and she moves her hair and he carefully lowers the second strap of her dress, and she shifts just a little bit closer, and as he moves their faces brush together, and he slowly bends down and kisses her shoulder so carefully, with such tenderness, that it is almost an I love you.
-There's something about his big hand and the tiny little strap of her dress and his softness with her.
-The throwback to the iconic freeze-frame from Act 1 of Under Covers, of her dress pooling around her heels.
-Walking together to bed, with her leading, a couple of feet apart. It's so intentional. Not like stumbling and falling into bed in the throes of a heated kiss.
-Her hand in his hair, and then her elbow beside his head. The handssss everywhere. The absence of being in a rush. They both get to lead and follow. Be on top and then feel the other's weight on top of them.
-His cheeky smile as he runs a finger down her back and kisses her there.
-The last few seconds when they're finally together and they just stare at each other for a moment and her fingers brush along his neck and chest. They're each letting the other read all of the feelings in their eyes.
-Then they both move just a little closer, nudging their faces together for a second before they actually kiss.
-Them flipping over is also a reference to Under Covers, I think, except then, Ziva surprised him and was taking charge. It was almost like wrestling, but naked. Her whole "I prefer it on top" thing was how she did sex to not get involved, to stay in control, to feel safe. But this is different. For one thing, it's mutual. It's impossible to tell whose idea it was; but if anyone's, it seems more likely to be his. He's the one who has his arm all tangled in her hair and his hand on her back and keeps them together as they move. Her touch on his neck is not about that - it's just because she wants to touch him.
-It's all a give and take. With feelings. They've always been bad at telling each other how they feel, but they're pretty good at doing it with their bodies.
-I will never be over this scene.
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