I have not forgotten or abandoned this blog. I swear I am trying. I promise.
I’ve enjoyed working on this blog; while I didn’t have the time allowance to update as i pleased, I still felt good about what I was able to put together.
Life sucks, though. First I started a job at a new school; crazy busy, but I loved it and my kids. Then, when it was time to renew, the supervisor interviewed me, said she had “no reason not to hire me--very hirable” and proceeded to hire someone else. My next school seemed like a warzone--but for all the wrong reasons. The administration was a joke, we literally did not know which classes we would see, and the supervisor was verbally abusive. While working there, I thought about killing myself near daily, and couldn’t even get ready in the morning without breaking down crying. I could hardly eat, exercised a lot, and never felt rested no matter how much I slept. (Mentioning this to my sister only earned me eye rolls and being scolded for complaining) Shortly after leaving that school, my sister decided (three days after Thanksgiving, where I had done something childish but not offensive) that I should move out of our shared apartment. ASAP. I tried to have a relative mediate, but it went to shit: she listed every reason she’s hated me since I was born, and I was so past anything, I gave up.
For the first time in our friendship, I gave up. I sat there and cried while she yelled and accused and berated.
Somehow, after this, I was able to secure a short term job and find an apartment (once again leaning on family for financial assistance, since I have not been consistently employed for more than 9 months at a time since leaving college). To be clear: I’m grateful I have a place to live, and that I am not living with a person who hates me and tears me down. On the other hand, this apartment has: holes in the closet walls, a toilet that either flushes itself or does not flush at all, an all present inescapable cigarette smell in the hallway, a window that must be duct-taped to stay closed, a bathroom door that does not actually shut, a 5-10 degree temperature difference between the two rooms, and outlets that plugs fall out of, for starters (the mice are back also, with the return of the cold).
The internet works half the time, and I can’t afford the “upgrade” (no other company offers service here, and the only other option is using my phone in place of wifi usage). Another friend abandoned me, for reasons I don’t understand and can’t get her to explain. She won’t answer my texts, so if I offended her, I can’t even find out how or apologize. That was the pattern of the summer; shitty part-time job, friends putting everything and everyone else ahead of me.
Oh, yeah: just after moving, my car broke down three times within four weeks. Almost forgot about that.
Now: I have a job until January (I got passed over for a longer term position by a fresh out of college graduate); an opening at this school popped up last month, but supervisor just announced in front of my department that they have two interviews and demo lessons set up for Thursday--so apparently I wasn’t even in consideration (and most coworkers know I applied--encourage me to apply--so no small amount of mortification there). My mother’s death anniversary was last week, and naturally the day before, my dad calls to tell me to hang out at his house less because I stress out my stepmother. The medication I started for my monstrous acne has so many side-effects, and I have to eat as healthy as possible and exercise all the time to manage my health, but what I keep circling back to is this one idea, and thus far I’ve had no evidence to prove me wrong: I am no one’s priority.
Which begs the question, why am I even trying?
I’m working so hard, and over stressed and overtired and I feel like I can’t just breathe but all my hard work is getting nowhere so why am I trying so hard? Even with all this, I’m just not working hard enough. If I was, I wouldn’t be in this craphole apartment with soon to be no job. I wouldn’t be alone like this








