I’ve been doing a lot of reading on gender roles in (straight) relationships, and the infamous Mental Load, especially in terms of childcare and housework.
I’ve thought about all the marriages I know of… family members, families I nanny for… as well as read anecdotes from people on Medium and Reddit. And while most of the people who came to mind would describe themselves as happily married, all of their marriages would be hell on earth for me.
And as much as I’d love to be a stay at home wife and mother (at least for some time) I’m beginning to doubt that I can find a man who will truly respect me and not fall back into stereotypical gender roles/patriarchy/male privilege.
I don’t want to marry a guy, and, once I’m tied down to him with kids, realize that he isn’t the kind of guy to take as much initiative as a parent as I do. I don’t want to be one of those moms who brags to her friends that “he babysits the kids sometimes so I can go grocery shopping!” I don’t want to be responsible for booking all the doctors appointments or the one who is expected to go the parent teacher conferences and has to delegate household and childcare tasks to my husband. Of course I’m happy to do those things (minus the delegating) but I want to do them as much as he does, not MORE. And I sure don’t want him to EXPECT it - “oh I would have gotten the kids their flu shot, you just didn’t tell me I needed to” type shit.
I don’t want a guy who needs a fucking man-cave, I don’t want a guy who expects me to take his last name, I don’t want a guy who expects me to get up with the kids every single morning while he sleeps in until 11am, which is exactly what my dad did. I don’t want a guy who argues that a “mother’s bond” is stronger than a father’s and that as a woman I am just inherently more nurturing, motherly, and better with the kids. I don’t want a guy who jokes that at 35 I’m “too old for him” when he’s fucking 15 years older than me.
I don’t want a guy who exhibits “learned helplessness” (look in my tags, i reblogged a thread on it a while back) to the point where I just get so frustrated about him intentionally being an incompetent piece of shit that I just do his chores for him. I don’t want a fucking man child.
These are all things I’ve witnessed or heard of in one way or another. And it scares me so fucking much.
I would honestly just want to divorce him at that point, and shame on me for even marrying a man like that. Which is why I’m thinking I don’t even want to get ~legally~ married, and I just don’t know about having kids… because I desperately want them, but not if my SO is gonna drop the ball and leave me with 80% of the labor, only to expect a gold medal every time he changes a goddamn diaper.
I get that there are men out there that would surely listen and learn if I explained all this to them, and maybe they could be suitable partners. But I don’t want to have to educate them. If my partner can’t be truly feminist from the start then I’d rather not even bother with him. It’s too much work to have to teach a man the ins and outs of feminist theory just so that you can live a half decent life.
I want a man who is every bit as capable and responsible as I am. I don’t expect a flawless man in all areas - everyone has areas they need to work on, but I do expect a 100% flawless man in terms of taking responsibility for his shit and not leaving me with the mental load for both of us. Basically, I’m not going to excuse everyday misogyny and microagressions because “he’s still learning” or “he at least helps out somewhat”. I’m sorry, but fucking learn your shit before you date me. Its not my job to teach you how to treat me like a human being. It’s so much work to educate people and I don’t want to have to educate my HUSBAND.
Ugh. It really sucks because I’d love to settle down and have a family some day but I feel like I’m never going to find a man who fits my standards.
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