Professional Neurotic

[temptillidecide]

New Year Resolution

I’ve settled on what I feel will be a VERY productive resolution for 2019.  I am going to make this the Year of Decrease.  Here’s the general idea:

1.  Bring nothing into the house unless it a. can be consumed, b. if I must bring in something else, throw something else away upon acquisition.  Example:  If a pair of pants falls apart, its okay to replace them, but the old ones go in the bin.  c.  Every week I will do a donation run getting rid of things I no longer use/ need.  d.  Every month I will do a deep clean of one room of my home and organize whatever is left over. 

I reserve the right to amend the plan at any time but that’s the general idea.  By 2020 I want to feel like I live a much more minimalist life.  I think it will be easier to keep things sanitary that way and I think my anxiety will improve significantly.  I’m not a hoarder or anything but life has a tendency to fill up with stuff. 

Less “things”.  More “living”.

[temptillidecide]

It is pouring rain outside, which suits my mood just fine.  This past weekend the boys cleaned out the garage and its tidy and wonderful in there now.  We dumped a LOT of crap we didn’t want/need.  I’ve been trying to do the same inside the house for years, literally, but today I’m going to try to make a dent.  I’ll start with the boys toys they never play with and my crafting supplies because they were part of the garage project anyway and are waiting on me to finish.  But I plan to go much farther.  Just not all at once.

The bathroom is almost 100% complete.  The only item left on the “to figure out” list is the shower door and we know what we want, we just need a quote from the guy.  I texted him yesterday so its just a waiting game.  That’s fine, it’s functional in the meantime. 

I went back to the gym yesterday and I’m glad.  I’m not setting any particular goal because that seems unrealistic, but I made better food choices yesterday and opted to ride the bike for a while as a stress helper after the boys were in bed instead of going to Starbucks.  Switching to better habits needs to be a priority. 

It will help financially, as well.  This am I got Seth and Ash breakfast here instead of going to fast food.  They had a waffle, half a banana and half a kiwi each.  If I can get into the habit of eating breakfast at home more it will cut back on 8 bucks a day.  That and Starbucks going away should improve things a LOT. 

I also plan to start really working with Ash on his letters with the goal of getting the alphabet down before he turns 3.  I’m going to read to them more and try to take them outside more.  And now that I can leave the house, do a weekly (at least) library outing with Ash while Seth is at school.  If I can get them on the way to reading it will improve our lives a LOT.

Rob is working on turning Seth’s old train table that he only vaguely cared about into a lego table for his room.  We yanked off all the tracks and he’s going to sand it, refinish it and put a lego base on it so Seth can build and build and play.  And when it’s in his room he can play even if his brother is awake.  There are steps I can take to make things better.  I’m going to do it. 

There’s been a strong sense that I’m waiting for life to start lately and it’s upsetting.  My life is mostly over already.  I need to just LIVE, right now.  Not later, now.  So today I will live.  I will tidy, I will move my body, I will teach, I will live.  And I’ll figure out tomorrow, tomorrow.

[ay-parcamm]

[solarpunk-aesthetic]

I don’t even care that this video is an advertisement. The kind of spirit the man in this story portrays is the kind of spirit which we should all strive for. 💚

[renthebarbarian]

Being a good person just for the sake of it. Imagine that.

[bae-in-maine]

This has always been when of my all time favorite commercials. And I never fail to cry.

[van-arts]

I just have to reblog this, this is my most favorite ads for years, I saw this ad first time around 7/8 years ago and not even trying to exaggerating, this ad has been my inspiration ever since then, far before PMA 💚

[quietjosie]

What if we all followed that guy’s example? Imagine how less intimidating this world would be…

[temptillidecide]

Its so difficult that of all the items on my mental to-do list for holiday prep, I cannot stop trying to figure out what to wear that would hide as much as possible the weight I’ve put on these past 3 months while navigating the misery of Seth starting kindergarten and needing to be assessed for special needs services while having my home torn up for the construction project that I thought would never end.

I know that I don’t owe anything to anyone and if I put on some weight during this stressful cycle, that’s my right and anyone who has a problem with it can shove off.  But knowing that in my brain doesn’t make my heart ache any less at the idea of all the words that may be spoken regarding how I look come Thursday.  It doesn’t make me feel any less defensive of the judgement I know will be passed.

The whole situation is nothing but a bother.

[temptillidecide]

I got caught completely off guard on Monday when I was informed that Thanksgiving was the 22nd.  I expected it to be a week later on.  So here I am, trying to figure out how to get organized and ready. 

The construction is ALMOST done.  The only things left to do are the mirror behind the vanity- which SHOULD be installed tomorrow- and the shower doors.  The shower doors are still up in the air.  Rob didn’t like the plan I came up with and says he will decide on something else, but when I asked him WHEN he would do that he had no answer for me and said that he hasn’t had time to give it his attention and will get around to it when he can find the headspace.  So, maybe it will be soon.  But maybe it won’t be until 2019.  I told him I don’t care, I’m not showering in the boys’ bathroom until then.  I’m using it and I’m just going to get water all over the room and he has to deal.  It’s not important to him bc he prefers to take baths.  But I don’t.  I think of a bath as something I’ll TRY to do to relax now and then, but most of the time I need to get in, get clean and get out.  And that means a shower.

Side effects of the construction include needing to re-sod the front lawn.  Needing to repaint the house to cover the color difference around the window.  Needing to completely clean out the garage as it’s COVERED in dust from cutting tile and drywall.  And needing to plain move into the new space and redo the boys’ space as a kid bathroom.  And I have no motivation to do any of it. 

Oh and we have to have our washer repaired as they damaged it when they moved it. 

Today I need to work on that as much as I can AND I need to plan my grocery list for the next week and the Thanksgiving holiday.  I need to vacuum out my car.  I need to yank out the old pumpkin vine that I STILL haven’t dealt with.  And I don’t even know what else, it feels like that’s more than enough to be getting on with.

And I feel like there’s something going on today but can’t remember what it is.  Can’t shake the feeling that I’m forgetting something important.

My whole body aches.  Just typing this post has made my forearm hurt.  I’m tired and want to go to sleep.

[temptillidecide]

I got meal planning, grocery shopping and meal prep done yesterday.  I made maple pork chops, mac and cheese and carrots for dinner.  I did NOT manage any cleaning other than the dishes mess from the meal work.

Today I would like to clean.  I would like to put away all of the laundry and dust and scrub the kitchen and living room walls where the boys have left greasy hand prints and change the sheets on their beds and tackle any little messes that I encounter along the way.

I also need to do some work on the garden out back and do some work on my fish tanks, but I think today I should focus on cleaning inside and try to work on the other things later in the week.  Part of my problem is trying to tackle too much at a time.  I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything.

Seth has requested cheese and crackers, which we don’t have.  The boys are up super early, of course, because of daylight savings.  It would bother me more, but I was up at 4am for the same reason so whatever.  I’ve been reminding myself that I don’t have a job now so its not that big of a deal if our schedule is a little screwed up for a week while we adjust.  As long as Seth can manage school we’re fine. 

And he starts the new school this week so it’s going to be an adjustment no matter what.  I went through the things he brought home when we checked him out and dumped things that didn’t matter, but I still need to go through his files and get rid of work that isn’t needful because it pertained to the old class.  They send home SO MUCH PAPER.  I know its necessary but its hard to decide what to keep and what to throw away.  Most of the time I just place it all in a pile to go through later and then it stacks up.  I have a command center set up but I’m not making very good use of it.  I just don’t know what to do to do better.

I just need to do things one at a time.  Today I need to clean.

[temptillidecide]

I’m not sure if I’ll start updating again or not but I have so many thoughts in my head right now I need to get them out. 

I’ve got too many plates in the air. 

First there is the construction.  We started building a master bath in August.  They told us that it would be complete long before my birthday, which was mid-October.  It’s now Nov 3 and we still are in the midst of it.  Most of it is done, but the painting isn’t complete, the mirror wall and shower doors need to go in, the plumber needs to install the fixtures, and there are little details to be finished up.  It’s not usable and the debris from the project litters my front drive and I need to buy new sod to repair the lawn they destroyed and it’s a mess.  Its close to being done, but not done.

Then there’s the state of the house itself, which is awful because of the construction.  There is dust everywhere.  Every time I try to tidy up, sweep the stairs, whatever - more cutting tile, more dust.  Plus I haven’t been able to leave the house because I have needed to let the workers in so I’m behind on meal planning and grocery shopping, and we’ve been eating out FAR too often.  And Halloween happened right in the middle and the kids don’t want to put away their Mario theme costumes so I’ve got candy and costume bits littering the main areas.  AND, Seth is starting a new school Monday so I need to sort his old schoolwork, dispose of the unnecessary and prep for him starting up elsewhere. 

Which is a great segue for the next thing stressing me out - Seth’s school situation.  Its’ been decided, finally, that he will join the mild level special needs classroom at Atherwood instead of remaining in the mainstream class at Crestview.  We had his full IEP last Wednesday and everyone agrees he’s effing brilliant.  Ruth, the coordinator for the district, told me husband she thinks he has the potential to end up at an Ivy League school if he wants, his intelligence is off the charts.  But his behavior issues are ISSUES.  All caps, bright red ink, super-villain level issues.  So, we’re sending to a smaller class with kids that are in a similar boat, so the teachers can give him the attention and direction he needs to figure this out.  He needs to learn to learn, as they say.  And it’s good, I’m glad.  But massively stressful.  Different people, different place, different school hours, different world.  We just settled into one and now it will be new again.  Good new, but still, new. 

Because of all this nonsense, my weight has gone back up, I’ve been dealing with dental issues and have so much tension in my neck and back that headaches and ibuprofen are a daily thing for me.  I can’t make it to the gym as much as I need to and it sucks.  I’ve really been struggling with not beating myself up for how bad my state and self-care has gotten but I can’t see a clear way through right now to correct it without letting another plate drop and the other plates CANNOT drop.  I’m going to try very very very very hard to meal plan, shop, and clean today.  But I have no idea if I’ll get through it all  I wanted to shop yesterday but didn’t because by the time I got the kids to Atherwood to visit the new class, made the decision with Rob, met the workmen back at home, got them familiarized with the project (because the old crew got fired and a new crew started up, because OF COURSE that had to happen) then met with a different guy to discuss the mirror wall and shower doors, then got the boys fed, Asher down for his nap, Seth over to his OLD school to sign the paperwork for the transfer, collect his things an say good-bye and then back home and settled down from the emotional state he was in, and then got Ash up.... I just didn’t have anything left to manage 2 kids at the market.  All I ever want to do is crawl into my bed and rest, but even when I do, I look around the room and see the thick layer of dust that keep showing up from the work being done and do not feel serene.  I wake up in the morning with my jaw so tight from clenching it in my sleep that I already have a headache and need to work it to move. 

So will I do it today?  I don’t know.  I hope so.  I really do.

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I’ve invited the same big family crew I had last year and I very much need my sh*t to be in order before then.  So there it is. 

I know how lucky I am.  I’m not trying to whinge, but I’m just spinning on everything going on and need to put all these things out somewhere and clear my mind. 

And now it’s time to start the day.

[temptillidecide]

It got better...

I had Uber eats deliver Thai for dinner. Got Ash to bed. Did 15 minutes of yoga and a 6 minute meditation and now I'm drinking tea and watching Luna Petunia with Seth before bed.

Is it perfect? Of course not. But I feel much better.

[midsummerswitch]

A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

[skepticalavenger]

Why Did God Create Atheists?

There is a famous story told in Chassidic literature that addresses this very question. The Master teaches the student that God created everything in the world to be appreciated, since everything is here to teach us a lesson. 

One clever student asks “What lesson can we learn from atheists? Why did God create them?”

The Master responds “God created atheists to teach us the most important lesson of them all — the lesson of true compassion. You see, when an atheist performs and act of charity, visits someone who is sick, helps someone in need, and cares for the world, he is not doing so because of some religious teaching. He does not believe that god commanded him to perform this act. In fact, he does not believe in God at all, so his acts are based on an inner sense of morality. And look at the kindness he can bestow upon others simply because he feels it to be right.”

“This means,” the Master continued “that when someone reaches out to you for help, you should never say ‘I pray that God will help you.’ Instead for the moment, you should become an atheist, imagine that there is no God who can help, and say ‘I will help you.’”

ETA source: Tales of Hasidim Vol. 2 by Mar

[scyphozoans]

I started reading this and was worried it would be something attacking atheists, or bashing religion, but this makes me really, really happy.

[naamahdarling]

imagine that there is no God who can help, and say ‘I will help you.’”

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Yes.  YES.

[rehfan]

This is lovely and precisely the thing I’ve been trying to explain to my family for ages.

[maya-tl]

I am so glad this post graced my dashboard.

[feral-flower-child]

I’m a Roman Catholic and can I just say

Yes please thank you this is an amazing post

[temptillidecide]

I want to quit my job and then spend the rest of today throwing things away. Have my roommate get his dad's truck and literally fill the bed with crap that's clogging my life up and take it to the city dump. I want to scrub my house down as well. Like, scrub. Not only wipe down surface dirt but get all the deep dirt that's messing up the aura of the place too. I want to rid myself if everything that makes me unhappy, overwhelmed, put upon, unwanted, unloved and unhappy. Make a fresh start. I want to simply walk away from it all. The use the space to embrace a better life. Plants, games with my kids instead of toys, time outside in the fresh air. Long walks, games of chase, gardening and cooking together, yoga and meditation and trips to the beach and dance parties and cuddles and leave all the bs behind. I want to really LIVE THIS LIFE.

So how? Not, 'but I can't'. Maybe today is not the day. But I can make the day come if I find my motivation. So... How?

[art--woonz]

By: miniature-calendar

[jennysaisquoiff]

The artist is Tatsuya Tanaka and he’s incredible.

Find him on Instagram under tanaka_ tatsuya.

[temptillidecide]

Tuesday

Asher woke up early this am.

It is very warm again and no signs of the return of winter on weather underground.

Dressed for positive vibes and comfort in an orange sari skirt and top. The color of glorious sunsets.

My throat is raw and Seth has been coughing but I'm still unsure if it's due to a cold/flu coming on or simply bc it's been hot, dry and windy.

Appointment today to order new glasses and sunglasses.

[temptillidecide]

Monday

Goals- tidy the living room, try this "walking meditation" on my workout app that looks interesting, listen to some new music at work, try some of the origami patterns I've been saving on Pinterest, soak my feet and apply liberal amounts of Burts Bees before bed.

And drink a lot of water.

[temptillidecide]

Thoughts with tea

Trying to meditate is rubbish when one can't get comfortable.

Dieting is rubbish.

Teething is rubbish.

Cleaning is rubbish when you live with 2 boys under 5.

Chocolate... is NOT rubbish.

Neither are coffee, supportive friends, old loveable dogs, meal planning, reusable jute grocery bags, and self care.

[temptillidecide]

Welp, we made it.  Today is the first day of Seth’s ABA therapy.  

I SHOULD be thrilled.  I SHOULD be relieved.  I SHOULD be happy.

I’m tired and frustrated and overwhelmed.  I took yesterday off work and had this idea about how much I could get done.  Yeah.  I did a load and a half of laundry and sat in bed binge watching Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce.  Oh!  And I cleaned out my mother’s old sewing box and converted it into a jewelry box.  I suppose that was productive as it got all my miscellaneous jewelry off my bookshelves.  

I didn’t exercise, I ate leftovers that had rice so I gained a pound even if I used up food we already had.  I know I really needed the day to do nothing but I NEED a week of nothing plus another week to finish my tasks.  I can’t have either and I feel like a waste of space.

And its SO GODDAMN HOT.  Today is the first day of summer.  I should be all “BBQs! Beach! Gardening! Citywalk! Sprinklers!” etc.  Nope.  I’m like “its hot and I can’t wear clothes that cover how fat I’ve gotten when its hot.  I’m tired, gardening and sprinklers run up our water bill and I’m broke”.  So that’s positive and fun.  And Seth is now well into his 4s and STILL isn’t potty trained. 

Rob recently met a woman with a child very similar to him who is ALSO not potty trained yet and he’s older than Seth is.

I need this ABA therapy to help and I’m terrified that we’ll do it and pay the copays and I’ll miss all the work and a year from now I’ll be facing yet another summer with him still in pull ups.

I’m just so very tired and alone.

Should go.  Think I got it all out.

[temptillidecide]

So a couple weeks ago I got this cough.  It started up as not much at all, thought I was coming down with a cold.  But the cold never kicked in.  The cough just got worse and worse and now it sounds like I have a smokers cough 24/7 but I don’t smoke.  Never got the cold.  I guess this is the new normal.  Allergies or something?

I’m feeling low this morning.  I think I usually update when I’m feeling low these days.  R is in Colorado, I’m home with Asher.  I was hoping to be able to really kick start a new diet this week, but it’s not happening because I decided to do Blue Apron - not thinking at all about the carb content in those meals, like an idiot - and then decided to take my paperwork home to do during Asher’s naps to keep myself from coming back to a royal mess next week - which negates the ability to ride the bike or do some form of exercise during the naps instead. I tried to do some stretching with the boys last night in Seth’s room as we were winding down before bed and I was SO tight.  Everything hurt.  Yes, I can still touch my toes, blah blah blah, but the flexibility I had in prime is ... just gone.  

I keep trying to remind myself that the boys will get older and one day I will be able to work out whenever I want without having to stress that they need to be watched and I will be able to cook properly because I won’t have a baby yelling for food now... and maybe that’s all true, I dunno.  Right now it doesn’t feel like I’ll ever be able to pull it together and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and my wedding ring simply doesn’t fit and I feel beyond sad about the whole damn thing.

Gen is supposed to come over after she gets off work today to work on our succulent garden and I’m crossing all my fingers that nothing changes the plan because I think some time in the earth and the fresh air will do me a load of good.  I’ve been staying inside the past several days because we hit a little bit of a heat spell there and I dislike the way I sweat buckets now that my body chemistry is apparently permanently altered after having 2 children.  We picked today because the heat was supposed to finally break.  I really need it to work out.

And water, I need to drink a whole lot of water today.  I always feel better when I drink more water.  Maybe tomorrow I will feel better if I can manage those 2 things.  Even if I don’t, its a good idea.  The yard needs to be finished and anything that brings more beauty into my life has GOT to be helpful, right?