“I STILL Refuse To Change My Body To Fit Your Expectations” -An 8 month HRT Celebration (and Reflections) from a Masculine Woman With PCOS
TW: Discussion of Forced HRT (and surviving it) and mentions of intersexism
I have such reflective and solemn feelings about this anniversary of my HRT- not because I’m unsatisfied with being on T. (In fact literally the opposite. I love it!) It’s because this month has really shown me that the intersexism I faced in doctor’s offices just won’t end, especially now that I look more masculine.
Recently, I went to an ortho to get some assessments done. I was supposed to be there for a one time thing and simply leave after. This doctor wasn’t my PCP nor a specialist I saw regularly. Keep this in mind.
He had walked in, saw me and looked at my legal documentation. The man looked a bit irritated, giving me a weird once over sort of look.
The appointment went from one I was feeling indifferent about to one of absolute dread.
I had explained I was there for my knee pain (due to arthritis) and spinal pain (due to my spinal chord injury.) Immediately this doctor zeroed in on my HRT, saying my high T was the reason for my bone pain. Saying I needed to stop it if I wanted to feel better. Going on and on how taking estrogen would help!
Even after I had explained I was diagnosed with arthritis.
Even after I had explained I had been diagnosed with a spinal cord injury.
Even after I had explained that me having taken E prior had nearly killed me.
He still kept insisting my high T was an issue. Insisting that he was saying so from a place of “medical concern”. I felt my skin crawl. I felt myself getting angrier and angrier in a way I’ve never truly experienced. I didn’t know why until I felt the feeling of a flashback coming on.
At that moment it hit me: That was similar rhetoric other doctors had given me when demanding I take estrogen all those years ago.
Yes I said doctors as in this has happened to me multiple times!
It didn’t matter if they were even qualified to even treat what I was in for. They(as in each medical professional) ALL pointed to my hyperandrogenism being the cause of all my issues….all while looking down at me as if I were a mistake to be fixed. A puzzle to be solved.
Realizing I was for once angry on my own behalf that this doctor was trying to force me onto HRT just like other specialists had….it both soothed me and pushed me on.
In the past, I couldn’t advocate for myself.
It’s empowering to have that power now but also bittersweet to know I had to fight tooth and nail to grasp it. To truly take back autonomy and fight back against doctors like this now that I felt safe enough to.
In spite of that awful experience, I’m honestly still so overjoyed I’ve gotten to grow into the intersex transfem person I’ve known myself to be for so long.
It’s so healing to take HRT that my body genuinely medically needs versus the HRT society demands take in order to conform to perisex standards.
Being on E wasn’t something I asked for. It’s something I survived.
I didn’t grow into my femininity. I was thrown into unstable waters, left wandering while everyone around me grew and changed without the same issues I did. I didn’t think I’d ever find joy in being intersex. I didn’t think I’d ever be on T because at the time, I just wanted to survive.
I did survive in the end though in spite of everything.
For the first time in my life, I truly believe that all the fighting I’ve done to stay alive through the medical trauma I’ve endured has been worth it. All of it. Because I can stand here and know my body feels like home for the very first time.
With every injection I do, an intersexist doctor (like the one I saw at that appointment) fumes because the last thing medical professionals like is me embracing my hyperandrogenism as a fem person.
That motivates me honestly. My masculinity isn’t to be demonized and the more I embrace it, the more at peace I feel.
It hasn’t been easy to get here or be publicly out as I have been (seriously I still can not believe I was in Teen Vogue this year!) but I can confidently say I’m so much more comfortable in my body than I’ve ever been!
Here’s to one year on T in the future. For now, happy 8 months of HRT to me. 🎉
I’ll keep fighting to keep my intersex joy— even if along the way I have to revisit the past and yell at intersexist doctors for younger!Tendaji who endured so much to get where I am now all these years later.
This intersex phoenix has fallen but shi will rise again regardless of how many feathers you pluck from hir wings. Be warned. Be wary.
