What's your trauma and how you could heal from the trauma of your past?
for collabs and other important inquiries send a dm. trigger warning is advised.
this took me days to finish 😮💨 a sneak peek while it's work in progress... sorry for the profanity words. i am now open for dollars ($) as payment exchange. for instance, €10 = $10
before i'll start the reading. there's something i want to say, trigger warning is advised and the reading is less with sugary words. your trauma feels like a battle between "i want to be understood vs i need to shallow my own emotions just to survive". like you wanted to live as if you are a happy-go-lucky person that's everyone else adore from being who you are but your reality says otherwise. 😞
life kept handing you into situations where you had to put on a heavy armor even though all you wanted was stability, love, and a sense of home.
you have been the biggest hero in your own life but at what exactly cost? instead of applause, you receive betrayal, shame, insecurity, hard tests and unsatisfied expectations. but all you just want is simple... love! a love that's unconditional and unquestionable. this made you as someone who has a strong one emotional stamina, the caretaker for everyone and the one that everyone else makes buoyant yet all you expect in return is not money, not success, not popularity but a genuine love. it's like in this case, you were acting like an unpaid psychiatrist—bagging all of their emotional mess that makes you exhausted. people come at you because they knew you can be someone who can lean on (especially if needed) and is that kind friend who is needed when it is important or remember.
on the other side of the spread. this group, i think does have a huge problem with their self-image.
it's told here honey, that you did your best but it feels not worth enough especially with this feminine energy in your entire life, regardless of their gender.
it doesn't have to be woman or man since we are all embody that on our own. i think think spread is giving a big energy from a parental control, although it can be anyone like classmate or colleague after all. but yeah, i think this is one of the reason why you are starting to feel a wrecking ball pressure about yourself because they make you feel that way.
like, they make you feel unworthy of attention and love. i also, feel you are a very gross intelligent child which can be this person doesn't approve or likely sabotage about, but i would like to let you know that this is their own trauma that remain unhealed and they projecting that entire feelings towards you.
this trauma from what i sense is not only makes you feel uncomfortable about yourself but as well make you loses your confidence. if you are woman reading this group your coping mechanism to this is to wear a lot of make-ups to feel pretty. slow? your progress of healing may seem slow, almost makes you wanna give up but this is a long-term healing. you know it's like an reminder notification from your phone that keep reminding yourself that it's possible to heal even if it is slow.
and now, you’re crying again into your pillow each night asking why it always had to be you. (my past self, i can relate 🥹)
perhaps, i don't wanna appear as a reader that says "oh no, she's mean on that part. does she even know that honesty ≠ harsh criticism?". (so don't side-eye me😭) no, i'm telling this so you can be aware and help you to acknowledge them and to face your fears. you might have control issues with you knowing or not. like you were also have complicated behaviors we all have that and i still love this group anyway. like for example, life is throwing you in situations you had no control at all—so in the and you are at a loss. it's like people betray you and as if these people are your responsibilities at the first place. people let you down and expect you to be on their side because you are too kind.
your another coping mechanism? one word: validation. you wanna be that gold star of the night, the one that gets applause at the stage, the one that people being told to "you did amazing" energy.
like you badly wanna experience it even once. but reality hit you so hard like an espresso. you wanna know why you are unable to get this? it was because you are chasing the love you didn't get. also, you are hyper-independence. like you would rather be "i’ll do it alone" that's already tattooed in your mind. people perceive you as strong and capable, but inside? you are like, "uhhm hello?? does anyone out there have a spare of hand to at least help me for once". another one is that you are loyal as fuck! it's like loyalty is a curse embedded into your soul. it's like spirit guides screaming at me rn "tell them, how they love people like a dog loves its human. tell them!!" (sorry for the word, that's how the dog card interpreted to me 😭) ride or die, no questions asked, but you attract people who don’t match your energy at all so in the end you are left drained, betrayed, and questioning why you keep giving your whole heart to people who don’t even deserve your loyalty. there's times you are fear of being too much, you think giving you best self to show would end a bad impression to others and they will leave you like what happened with your past; that's why you rather censor and shrink yourself but this is just a whisper from your negative feelings because you are never, as in never... be meant to be small.
i don't feel like this needs to be a healing, it's more likely to fix yourself because you are not totally yet broken or damaged but is going to if wouldn't put an end on it. you are lost and you need to find the love in yourself that you are constantly looking for others. if you know what i mean. it's like, "i have to reclaim the pieces of myself i've abandoned years ago just to survive with this tricky society".
your own celebration can help you too. like it's not about clapping for yourself when you achieve your goal honey, no. but i'm talking about celebrating the small and useless things you've thought of—like celebrate you made it today, that you cried, that you eat a snack and that you rested well at night. another option for you to fix this trauma is restoring your trust. oof, i know it's scary and risky behaviour but you cannot live your whole life locked in the hermit home. sometimes, solitude heals but you absolutely deserve a community!! take this advise, start with one step and another let them earn your trust and don't give it all immediately. right people will stay no matter how long and complicated you are as individual. i want you to know not everyone will betray you, even if your trauma swears they will. and the people that left you? the problem is them and not you.
last but will never be the least is your own loyalty. your loyalty? oh, honey it's sacred like an altar and not everyone deserves it. let's put some boundaries, okay? it's not being called "narcissist or selfish" but it's a way to form self-love. like do you think they give you as much as they take from you? if your answer is no.. then snip snip, goodbye and cut them off.
so, most importantly what's your trauma? it's the wound of not being chosen, the unseen one, the odd one, the left out, the unvalued child, the not loved enough, the remembered friend when it's needed and the abandoned one—when all this time you are born to be loved and appreciated. it's like the ache of carrying the world's weight when there's literally no one carried yours. your trauma lied on you that says, "i am hard to love". but you are the human version of love for everyone. the light and will be the reason why somewhere's home will feel warmer.
this is my emotion '🥺' the first time i see the 3 of swords as your initial card. the spread seems like a very complicated science formula where you had to search many books, highlighted it and bookmarked it. it's like these cards knows and are ready to spill your secrets to me. this is giving me a messy main character from a kdrama series. it's funny how the first card says, "why i am always the target of the stabbing betrayal i didn't even order?".
like you ask, why the people you trusted the most always end up backstabbing you for no reason. as if you are intoregating yourself in room "what did i do? am i bad? does the effort i put in wasn't enough for them to do this? energy. the scars? oh honey, they are as deep as the ocean.
i suddenly remember the song 'zen' by jennie, where the line goes "thick skin layer like chains on chains on chains" there's a tagging combination here where you are traumatized of waiting and waiting and waiting. should i say an endless waiting, you didn't know if you are a late bloomer or just unlucky human because if i were be honest? you are tired of waiting for your own efforts to be paid off, to people see your worth or if the right love will truly come in your life. it's like the castle you build that you should call your own safe space start to crumbling. you don't know, what is the wrong you truly did? because you know you give all, you show the best as you can and you work hard. you know you try your best as you can yet you still see yourself in the corner. stuck and unmovable. you are trapped.
although you know your magnetic, attractive and charismatic. you know you draw people's attention because of your confidence but they don't know that confidence? honey, it comes from ashes. you have to become your own match to light your candle inside because life keeps trying to dim you. it's like you know how to be strong, to appear as strong but you are lowkey screaming in the void.
it's like you are pretending and family, friends, colleagues, classmates or your other connections and relationships are all assuming you are fine because you look fine outside—but they don't see and know that you have these crying sessions, you feel exhausted and you are doubting yourself that's why in the end you rather carry everything alone without telling anyone.
what worse? you want a little recognition or even a few minutes to be seen for who you are. like yeah, you are multi-talented, powerful and the definition of someone who has the potential. you'd be like "uhm hello?? can someone appreciate my existence?" 🥹💔
what's even more crap is that you end up with people who always underestimate you, doubting you or what's even hard to take is—to use you for their own gain. you are haunted by the memories, by the moments and by the opportunities you let to slip or skips out of your hands.
a little break. i feel like your pile more likely has a trauma with connection. so, i do feel you encounter 1-2 friendships that are completely betrayed you. fake friends? absolutely. if they were true, they should know from the start that something or someone that belongs to you in the first place is always yours and not theirs. i even pick someone who is bubbly that comes right at you but does have hidden motives. even though this is not a specific connection, it can be interpreted in general as something like... where you got yourself in a situation, you trusted the wrong people the most and ended up scarred.
so when you meet someone new, you have this trauma of second guessing something like "is this person genuine or are they just another one for me to get hurt again?" it's not paranoia but it's a trauma. it's like you didn't even choose to have that but life constantly shoves it onto you and forces you to eat it. if you know what i mean.
you also had the trauma of sudden endings—death of a loved one, end of contract at work, end of school year and anything associated with endings. like your body immediately on red alert once you knew it's about the end. like why would you have this sudden world crash you, when you thought you already comfortable of something or someone. that's why experience thought you another thing and that's to embrace temporary.
your wounds is the same as the shape pentagon is has 5 sides or corner. should i drop them all? okay here you go. you have a trust issue, toxic independence, overachieving, emotions bottling, and overacting. i don't feel you trust others as i already mentioned and you mostly considered them as snakes who can attack you anytime. like if someone compliments? you likely side eye them or have negative assumptions on them immediately. you are acting like a human lie detector and you double check their motives but basically it comes with not letting yourself relax and comfortable in such a connection or interactions.
the second one? honey you are doing everything alone or by yourself, as in EVERYTHING. not because you don't want others to help you or afraid to ask but because you learned the hard way that relying much on others mostly leads to disappointment. you are doing solo—cry, heal, work, study, cook, clean or go out alone. basically, you are worn out but you rather be burn out than risk just to be ended in betrayal again. also, you are thriving so much hard for the outside (although, it's not bad). you want that emperor position, the career, looks, stability and vibes. you want to shine so people would clap because deep down? recognition for you somehow feels like safety and happiness. so yeah, it's kinda off to say but validation is a drug. it's not acting like a cure but a little band-aid for you.
while for your romantic life, you strongly hesitated not because you don't want to. you absolutely want it but you were looking for something deep and real. the type of "till death to us part" but your trauma says, "they will cheat. they will use you. they will leave you". so this lead into self-sabotage or in the end you settle for the less than you actually deserve. for the last peak, you are that kind of friend that screams, "i'm fine" with the mascara running down your whole face. it's like you cope in with joking about your own pain in order to avoid breaking down in public. like if someone genuinely ask you, if you were okay? you'll likely cry instantly without holding back. it's like you are a comedian in a friend group but a broken poet.
and how do you heal? by breaking the chains of self-doubt, by setting boundaries sharper than swords, by reclaiming your voice, and learning that you are the bouquet and you’ve always been the gift, the prize, and the miracle. i think i already explain everything i can, so this is the end now thank you, see you on my next reading!! 🥮
but first the spread itself is not calling you out but seems about to drag your soul until the edges of your hairline. it's unhinged and it's a time where your mind is stuck with whether you wanna be a villain that takes revenge or simply, a hero for all. i'll have to start first with 6 of cups rx. it's strongly giving childhood trauma or inner child wounds. this makes me angry 😡💢 of how people told a child who is young innocent, curious and excited to uncover the rest of themselves of, "do not dream big", "you are not enough" or "stay quiet". like bitches, you should be the ones to stay quiet. let this child live their childhood peacefully but sadly, it's not. i'm so sorry it has to be happen for you 🥹.
ohh, my dear group 3. it's like we've started off your reading yet you already made my heartaches. these people? i'm not sure who they are but they told you to act mature. it ended your childhood into a horrible experience of your life.
perhaps, there's a time in your childhood you wouldn't forget. where there is a scenario; you were asking something to someone out of your bubbly and curious personality but this person crushed it with a harsh judgement. like you just want to play, explore and feel the freedom of youth but in return you've got lectures you didn't even need, the limit you didn't asks and the silence you don't want to experience. because that little version of you? perhaps being inside all along is always and lowkey crying because they feel like they never really got to fully experience themselves to enjoy as a kid because of the burden and responsibility that the adult people surround them with.
growing up until your early adulthood? you feel like nothing ever felt crystal clear. the secrets, confusion and deception are teaming up together to gaslight and ruin you plus the mixed signals. like for example, people say this and they do other things. like it's confuse you whether you are becoming crazy or if they are lying to you. these people are the reasons why you doubt your own intuition.
i also sense the toxic cycles like there's something or something chokehold on you whether it's family patterns, toxic relationships or societal expectation.
you were shaped to think of suffering is a normal thing and that you are responsible for everybody's joy but totally forgot your own. it's like the shame and guilt becomes your second skin with or without you knowing. what else? you also grew up in a survival mode like defending yourself, your worth and your choices. life taught you nothing is easy to claim and lead you with many confusing questions in mind.
that's why you need to fight for every little thing that matters for you? it's exhausting, it pressures you and it makes you live in the constant fear of under attack although no is coming next for you.
you were taught to be strong but you wanted to be safe in someone's arms. people may perceive you as someone who is cold, strict, rules freak and someone valued logic more than feelings. and because of this harsh or false impression? it puts more weight inside as if you are not allowed to feel free able about your own identity. i also feel you do have a good self-control like you prefer to clenches your teeth, holding all together, and staying composed but inside? you wanted to explode like a volcano.
you have wounds with distance, abandonment, ghosting and unanswered messages. this is like an energy of "i am shallowing the heartbreak in silence". like why they ghosted you? no explanation? even a closure? nothing. it runs a deep unsolved case inside your mind and heart. perhaps not all of them need answers.
and how can you solve your issue with yourself? by acting playful again, by claiming your inner voice, by trusting your intuition often, by releasing the guilt and by letting yourself be loved without second guessing. you need to understand that your past maybe filled with many sorrows and shadows but your future needs your light. your trauma lied to you, you were never meant to let others wear what you need to wear, for the way you speak and act. it's all lie because you are not meant to be caged for rest of your life but you are meant to become powerful!
dededos
jacobvanloon
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yousharknotpass
gummygunk
titsay
izzy806
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turnnoffyourmind
